


Something Wicked

by MalevolentReverie



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Captivity, Doctor/Patient, Dominant Kylo Ren, Emotional Manipulation, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fridge Horror, Heavy Angst, Kidnapping, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Non-Consensual Drug Use, POV First Person, POV Rey (Star Wars), Possessive Behavior, Psychological Horror, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Psychopath Kylo Ren, Psychopaths In Love, Rape/Non-con Elements, Serial Killers, Slow Burn, Thriller, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-06-21
Packaged: 2019-03-27 08:24:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 49
Words: 129,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13876998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MalevolentReverie/pseuds/MalevolentReverie
Summary: Rey Kenobi is a twenty-five year old veterinary student who suffers a mental breakdown and is forced to return home. It is there that she comes under the care of a renowned psychiatrist who is hiding a gruesome secret.This story is the base of the "Something Wicked" multiverse w/Erik Kasparian & Hannah Everson.





	1. Nature's first green is gold,

**Author's Note:**

> This is another story I had that makes sense for Reylo. 
> 
> -deep breath-
> 
> THIS HAS NON-CON AND VIOLENCE AND NON-CONSENSUAL DRUG USE. REY IS INJECTED WITH MEDICATIONS. DO. NOT. READ. THIS. IF ANY OF THAT BOTHERS YOU. I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT. READ THE TAGS.
> 
> Non-con occurs late in the story.

 “Miss Kenobi, you’ve had a psychotic episode.”

They hadn’t committed me to the hospital—that shocked me more than the therapist’s blunt words. I was hunched over on her well-worn brown couch, head in my hands, ruminating over how fucked I was. Cornell would boot me. All my hard work… it was all gone.

Mom was sitting beside me because she insisted on being present during my appointments. She smelled like my childhood; like cucumbers and lemon. I squeezed my eyes shut tight and wondered if I was having another episode. Break. I was weak like glass. I’d shattered like a fucking vase.

She touched my knee, trying to be comforting. “We would like Rey to come home with us for a few months. Just to rest, and hopefully avoid medication.”

 “That would be best. I can recommend some therapists in the area, of course.” Paper crinkled. “This is a very common event, Rey. It’s nothing to worry about.”

It hadn’t felt like a ‘common event’. It felt like reality itself turned upside down. I could sense it coming on for days beforehand but I assumed it was another spell of depression. Then I heard muttering in my bedroom at night. Then I saw a man standing in the doorway, smiling at me. Then I tried to kill him.

 “This is ridiculous!” I snapped, getting to my feet. I crossed my arms and paced the small office. “I have finals; I have rent to pay! I don’t have time for some silly vacation!”

Mom was still in her scrubs. She’d come straight from Kennebunkport to pick me up in Ithaca when they called and told her the news. Her short hair was still pulled in a ponytail and her clogs gave her a little height boost. She was watching me over the edge of the couch, not fearful like I’d guessed, but sort of sad and lost. She stood up, too, and came over to touch my arm.

 “Rey,” she said, “you’ve been nothing but go-go-go since the minute you learned how to walk. Wouldn’t you like to come home and be with us for a while? Cornell will hold your spot. Grandma Piers already talked to the dean.”

 “I don’t care, I need to finish school!”

Dr. Henry raised an eyebrow. “Well, Miss Kenobi, I can tell you that I won’t allow you to return to school for at least six months. You need intensive therapy.”

I couldn’t stand being told what to do but I knew arguing would just dig me into a deeper hole.

Mom and the shrink chatted for a bit longer about my ‘plan’ and we finally left. She’d already swung by my apartment to pick up some of my things and packed them in the back of the Jeep. I angrily slammed my door shut and started texting my friends to let them know I was leaving for a while. First I had the cops tackle me to the ground kicking and screaming, now _this_?

 “I’m so happy you’re coming home, sweetie,” mom said, beaming at me as we pulled onto the interstate. “Your dad is getting your old room ready and we thought we could have a beach trip this weekend. I just have to switch a few shifts and—“

 “I don’t give a shit,” I hissed.

 “Rey, I know you’re embarrassed right now but you don’t have to be. Your dad and I love you very much and it’ll be good for you to slow down.”

I didn’t even have time to put in my contacts so I was stuck in my pajamas and old glasses. I rubbed my head and glared out the window at the passing traffic. Back to bumfuck Maine.

A few people texted me back: my best friend Rose, my ex Poe, and my other friend Finn. Reactions were mixed, from disbelief to encouragement to irritation that I wouldn’t be around anymore for yoga. Professor Warwick emailed me a nice message and said she couldn’t wait until I came back to finish up school. Grandma Piers texted me to say she called in a favor with the dean.

Having high society English grandparents had its perks. I thanked everyone and promised to keep in touch, assuming I’d be back around January. Six months. That was all I was taking.

Mom waited a while before talking again. She kept glancing at me out of the corner of her eye, desperate to chat but afraid to irritate me more. I was already a pretty pissy woman. Being forced to derail my carefully laid plans definitely wasn’t helping.

 “Your friends are more than welcome to visit,” she ventured after a while. “Since we bought the new house we have plenty of space!”

 “I’m sure they don’t want to be around someone who apparently had a psychotic break.” I ran a hand through my dirty blonde hair and wondered if I should dye it again.

Mom gasped. “Oh, Rey, I forgot to tell you that Armie moved back to Wells! He’s almost done with his degree, too. Maybe you two could go out for lunch?”

Armie was a kid I grew up with who I dated on and off throughout high school. He was sweet and smart but also a spoiled rich kid. I didn’t have any interest in rekindling a friendship with some fraternity sellout. And again—probably wouldn’t want to be around a crazy person.

 “I don’t know, mom. I’m probably just going to find a part time job and keep to myself. Word travels fast.”

My mother snorted and turned into a McDonald’s. “Let them talk. My Rey is better and brighter than any of them, and she deserves a break. How about a burger?”

It violated my whole ‘healthy eating’ code, but with a little cajoling I went in with mom to eat. I hadn’t consumed fast food in years and wolfed down my grease-soaked burger before mom had taken two bites. She laughed and patted my hand as I started gnawing on my fries.

I’d decided in undergrad that I wanted to be the best. Actually, I’d decided it long before—but college let me have true control over my life. I stopped eating shit and focused on vegetables and other simple, healthy foods. Rose and I worked out three times a week and I’d drag Finn or Poe along when she was too busy studying. Maybe that was why I was so worked up.

I cleaned my hands on a napkin and watched mom as she scrolled through her Facebook. She probably left right after her shift to drive four hours to get me. If she hadn’t, they would’ve put me in the hospital. I looked down at my lap and clasped my hands together.

 “Hey, mom.”

She paused in nibbling her fries and I peeked up at her. She was so selfless and patient—ten times the woman I would ever be. I swallowed hard and smiled.

 “Thank you,” I said. “I don’t tell you that enough.”

Her soft brown eyes lit up. “Don’t worry, baby. You don’t have to.”

We finished up our dinner and got back on the road. I went through my emails, bored, until I saw one that Dr. Henry had recently sent with a list of therapists. Great. The nightmare was beginning.


	2. Her hardest hue to hold.

_He was gonna kill me. He was gonna fucking kill me._

_The man was standing in my bedroom doorframe with a wide, gruesome smile on his face. His head was tilted; eyes black and unreadable. I couldn’t feel anything except fear like I’d never experienced. I knew he wanted to hurt me—didn’t everyone? It’d been creeping up for months: Rose wanted me to die, Finn wanted me to die, Poe wanted me to die._

_They sent him. He was a murderer. He was going to make sure I died._

_I’d been floating in another reality for the past few days, unable to make sense of people’s faces or words. I was passing into the truth. I was going to kiss the face of God and they were jealous._

_I scrambled to grab the knife behind my pillow and leapt out of bed, screaming and charging towards the man. I wasn’t going to die without a fucking fight._

 “Rey?! REY!”

The paranoia was still gripping me like a vice when I was abruptly dragged out of my dream. I flew up in bed, screaming like hell, while mom and dad talked loudly to try to get me to calm down. They looked like shadow monsters; like the ones I used to see and never told anyone about.

Dad grabbed me by the shoulders to hold me down in bed while I shrieked like a banshee and mom ran out of the room. He yelled at her not to call 911 and to wait it out. I could only see a vague, evil outline hovering over me. My heart was pounding a mile a minute like it had when I first had an episode. I was pouring sweat. They wanted to kill me.

Mom came back in the bedroom shouting back at dad, holding the phone to her ear. I kept screaming and screaming and screaming and…

All of a sudden, I became nothing.

The tension in my muscles stuck as dad shook me a bit. Mom hung up the phone and dad let me go, stepping back to see I had locked in position. I stared at the ceiling, dazed. I couldn’t feel anything. I didn’t even want to move.

 “Dr. Henry said it’s catatonia,” mom whispered before she started crying. “What do we do, Jack? Should we bring her somewhere? Oh god… my poor sweet baby.” She sat down next to me and hugged my knees, still bent upwards. “Rey, baby. I’m so sorry.”

Dad touched my hair, blue eyes distant and sad. “Ken at work has a connection with a doctor in Portland. He said he’s pretty good. Might be able to take Rey by Saturday.”

 “What if that’s too long to wait?” mom said.

 “We’ll play it by ear, but all these psych offices are backed up. We’re gonna have to wait either way, Helen.” He leaned over and kissed my forehead and warmth radiated up my scalp. “I’ll stay home with her if I have to.”

They left me a little while after and gradually, my body began to defrost and the fear ebbed away. I gingerly sat up in bed and rubbed my free hand over my eyes. What the hell was wrong with me? I’d never had such realistic nightmares before. Nothing had happened recently to make me more stressed than normal. So what the hell was going on?

I looked around my dark bedroom and my heart beat gradually slowed. I was home and I was safe. Both of my parents would take a bullet for me and they were just down the hall, probably awake and listening to every sound I made. No one could possibly hurt me.

My old stuffed animal collection was suspended from the ceiling in a net, dozens of beady black eyes watching me. It was one of the only things I recognized. My bed was new, sheets were new, and the television wasn’t something I grew up with. It was foreign but still comforting to have at least a small piece of my childhood hanging around.

Maybe that was what I needed. Comfort, relaxation.

 “Relaxing is for the weak,” I muttered, slipping out of bed.

I decided to check the list of therapists Dr. Henry had emailed me instead of tiptoeing down the hall to let mom and dad know I was okay. They had enough to worry about. It was better to let them sleep.

My laptop was set up on a small desk similar to the one from my freshman dorm room. I collapsed heavily in the chair, exhausted but way too wired to sleep. It was a familiar paradox, especially when I chugged coffee every morning. But Rose convinced me to stop so I learned to rely on my neuroses to function.

A few of my classmates had sent me notes on Facebook offering to help me out when I came back halfway through senior year. There were only ten of us—veterinary school was grueling and notoriously graduated small classes. I’d thankfully finished up the last of my junior finals before my episode and only had one more year before I was officially Rey Kenobi, DVM.

I sent back the polite ‘thank you’ and said I’d be happy for their help before moving on to the email. My other two professors had also emailed me to offer their help and sympathy. Dr. Langley told me she had a similar thing happen to her, which actually made me feel a little better.

Dr. Henry had sent ten therapists who were all willing to take me on by the end of the week. Glum, I Googled each of them, reviewing their credentials and specialties. Some were too crunchy for my liking. Reiki? No thanks. I just wanted old fashioned cognitive behavioral therapy.

After I read about them over and over, I realized I wasn’t going to fall back asleep around four in the morning. I shut my laptop down and quietly went downstairs to make myself tea and toast.

Mom and dad had moved when I graduated high school into a bigger house closer to the ocean. They finally got the chef’s kitchen mom always wanted and the inground pool dad and I both always wanted. It was a restored farmhouse at the end of a long dirt road, but they had a few neighbors within half a mile. Mom was always working on something—the bathroom, the barn. She enjoyed the busywork, which was probably where I inherited my love for working.

I sat in the breakfast nook with my snack and watched a couple YouTube videos. Dad usually woke up around 5:30 to get ready and mom wasn’t far behind. Both worked in healthcare—dad was a respiratory tech and mom was an RN. They’d originally planned to travel and work until I came along.

 “Hey, Rey.”

Dad was in his green robe, blonde hair a wreck. He had circles under his eyes and I wondered if he’d managed to fall back asleep after my nightmare. I smiled faintly at him as he walked over to pour a cup of coffee he’d been brewing overnight.

 “I’m sorry about last night,” I said.

He leaned against the counter and blinked at me over the rim of his steaming mug. “Why? I’m your dad. You used to wake me up with screaming _and_ a poop-filled diaper, so this is an improvement.”

 “Fair enough.” I laughed and shook my head. Dad’s humor was always welcome.

Mom came downstairs a while after dad and immediately came over to hug me. She had a cup of coffee herself and got a bowl of cereal before taking a spot next to me. Her hair was thick and wiry like grandpa’s and it took her almost an hour to contain it every morning.

 “So your father’s friend knows someone you can go see,” she said. “I already called him—of course—and he said the doctor is very interested in meeting you. He’s in town for the time being so we were thinking of dropping you off tomorrow on our way to work.”

 “Or I can drop one of you guys off and drive myself.”

Dad sat down on the other side of me and patted my arm. “We just want you to have some company, that’s all.” He grabbed the bite of toast I hadn’t finished and popped it in his mouth. “Maybe go see the ocean, or stop in some of the shops? It’s better than sitting around here being pissed off.”

His words were half true. They really wanted me to have a babysitter. But I agreed anyway, since there was no point in arguing. Lucky for me, Armie wasn’t busy for a handful of days so he had graciously offered to watch the patient while my parents were at work.

I slumped down in the bench and glared at my parents as they bustled around getting ready for work. I didn’t need eyes on me. I was perfectly fine.


	3. Her early leaf's a flower

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i guess hux is nice in this lmfao don't worry he gets it eventually....................

 “Ok, sweetie, don’t hesitate to call if you need anything.”

It was middle school all over again. I was at the door saying goodbye to my parents and they were both hesitating like I might burn the place down. I rolled my eyes and gave mom the tenth hug of the morning and let dad kiss my forehead for the thousandth time. They even hesitated on their way down the steps to their cars, glancing back at me every chance they got.

 “I promise I’ll be alive when you get back!” I yelled, waving sarcastically. “You two kids have a good day at work!”

Dad laughed and mom rolled her eyes but they finally left. I watched their cars head down the street and shut the door. Time to get myself ready for the day.

Armie was back from Albany Med for the summer because for whatever reason, he liked visiting home. He’d already texted me to let me know he’d pick me up by ten so I had a couple of hours to waste. It left enough time for a morning jog, shower, and maybe a little yoga.

It was hard to be pissed off when I started my jog. Kennebunkport was a small, sunny coastal community and in the summer the temperature was nearly perfect. There were plenty of small locally-owned shops and restaurants, many of which my friends and I had worked at as kids. The only downside was the packed tourist season that didn’t end until mid-September.

I listened to my music as I jogged through the dappled sunlight past rows of old houses. The ocean smell drifting across the streets was more salty and fresh, like you were standing right on the beach, instead of sour wharf smell. I drew deep breaths and imagined the scent cleansing the crazy right out of me. Maybe I needed an ocean baptism.

A shower sufficed for the time being, though. Back home I washed off the sweat and brushed my teeth again, then threw my dirty clothes in my hamper. The jog gave me plenty of energy for the bit of yoga. I popped in one of my favorite DVDs and got to work on the new mat mom bought me for Christmas.

The doorbell rang when I was upstairs brushing my hair. I tried my best not to rip the teeth through but I had to same pain in the ass thick hair mom had. Annoyed, I bundled it in a half ponytail and spritzed on some perfume before going to answer the door.

And there was Armie—still the gangly blond rich kid who grew up a few blocks away. He had a bit of a baby face and the personality matched. Now he was obviously a lot taller and he had some stubble. He looked more tired and his brown eyes weren’t as bright as they used to be.

 “Armie!” I squealed, leaping into his arms. “You look so great!”

 “Rey!” He squeezed me tight and swung me around, laughing. “It’s so good to see you. You’ve gotta tell me about how fake med school is going.”

I lightly slapped his arm. “Hey! Vet school is more competitive than med school!”

As always, Armie was dressed to the nines in a fancy sweater and khakis. I glanced at his hands when he let me go and realized he wasn’t wearing a wedding ring. Huh. It was pretty surprising when you compounded all the things he had going for him: descended from wealth, future doctor, classy guy. An all-American who would undoubtedly marry another all-American.

He grinned, flashing the smile his parents paid an arm and a leg for. “Whatever makes you feel better. Come on, let’s go get something to eat.”

 “Oh, I’m not hungry,” I said.

 “Yeah, right. We’re going to Bayley’s and you’re going to eat.”

We always got along well. Both of us were no-nonsense, though Armie was more laid back than I’d ever be. He’d been a nerdy, snobby kid when we were little, but after we became friends I taught him how to fit in better with everyone else. Now he was better than me.

Bayley’s wasn’t officially open to the public until eleven, but Armie was a former cook and the owner let us in early. He shook both of our hands and clapped Armie on the back and asked us about how school was going. I decided I’d keep the whole mental breakdown thing on the down low. He left us after a bit to let us pick what we wanted and grab our drinks.

 “Ugh, it’s all fried food,” I muttered as I flipped through the menu.

Armie raised an eyebrow. “What, are you too good for fried food now?”

 “No. I just like clean, healthy food.”

 “Oh, puke. Just get a burger, you lunatic.”

First I had to come home, now I had to sacrifice my healthy diet. I gave in and ordered the fish and chips (you couldn’t live in Maine without eating haddock) and Armie had a lobster roll. People began to filter in while we waited; mostly locals who were friends with the owner or an employee.

Armie took a sip of his root beer and rubbed his hands together. “So your parents wanted me to be your escort for the rest of the week. I’d be more than happy to, but I don’t want to smother you.”

 “It’s fine with me. I don’t have anything else to do, anyway, just going to the shrink tomorrow for whoever it is to tell me things I already know.”

 “Well don’t be embarrassed about it. I used to go all the time in undergrad because I was so fucking lonely.” He shrugged. “We’re both in stressful degree programs; it’s just the way it is. Do you know who you’re going to see? Your mother said it was somewhere in Portland.”

 “Don’t know, don’t care. I’ll probably go twice and never again.”

Our early lunch was delicious. I savored every buttery bite of my deep-fried fish and a few bites of fresh lobster from Armie. He insisted on paying and we left just as the lunch crowd started pouring in.

We headed down to Old Orchard Beach. It was only May so the crowds hadn’t quite arrived yet. Armie chatted with the officer patrolling the parking and he let us park on the street. We walked down the cool sand that hadn’t been turned into grainy lava yet and the path yawned open before us. The Atlantic was beautiful deep blue, white caps crashing on shore and drawing out high tide.

I took a deep, steadying breath and closed my eyes. Armie stood next to me, less impressed by the sights, and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

 “Kind of puts things in perspective, doesn’t it?” I said.

 “The ocean?” He scratched the back of his head. “Uh… I guess.”

 “Just how enormous it is. How deep, how long. We’re all little ants crawling around.”

Kids ran along the shoreline with their buckets and shovels while parents lounged further up the beach under the parasols. We were so very small, like the sandpipers who darted about hunting food when the sun started the set. It was a pretty image, no matter how insignificant.

We walked along the shore for a few hours, picking up shells and other sea treasures. Armie had fairer skin than me and was more prone to burning so when I finally checked his neck, it was cherry red. He groaned when I broke the bad news and we went back to the car. For being a kid who grew up right on the beach, he should’ve known better.

Back at the house, we saw the severity of the sunburn. It crept all along his upper arms and the backs of his legs, and of course, the back of his neck. He sat at the vanity in the bathroom and pouted while I smeared aloe vera across all of it and tried not to laugh.

 “Goddamn sun,” he grumbled. “We weren’t out long enough for this to happen! Why didn’t you burn?”

I raised an eyebrow, moving on to his legs. “Well, my grandfather is black so it’s probably just inheirited. Try livening up your gene pool a little.”

He folded his arms, then thought better of it. “Yeah, rub it in, Rey.”

 “Don’t say that while I’m smearing this shit on you. Weirdo.”

Mom and dad came home just as I was washing the extra aloe off my hands. Dad was stoked to see Armie but I had to intervene when he tried clapping him on the back. He and mom both squeezed me until I couldn’t breathe and he went to start dinner. All of us sat down and chatted about the day, and being there with the three of them was the happiest moments in recent years.


	4. But only so an hour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah, rey has parents in this. sue me. also she's mixed-race becauseeeee hannah was so there. these chapters are real short lmfao

Dooms Day had arrived.

A bit dramatic—but I’d been up the entire night dreading meeting my therapist. Sleep deprivation wouldn’t help me keep it together enough to convince them that I was totally unhinged. I was mostly afraid of medication, but I knew mom would fight that tooth and nail. They wouldn’t make me do anything as long as mom and dad were around.

I sighed as I went through my morning routine. Breakfast, chat with my parents, jog, shower, yoga, real clothes. Dad was excited for me to meet the doctor, who was apparently Kylo Ren. I made a face when he told me and mom insisted that I at least meet him before rendering judgment.

 “He’s a renowned psychiatrist, Rey,” mom said on her way out the door. “He’s even interviewed Charlie Manson! Can you believe it?!”

 “I hope you guys aren’t paying a lot for this,” I said, narrowing my eyes.

Dad shook his head, beaming. “Nope, he’s pals with my friend Ken! Kylo was interested in meeting you, since he’ll he stationary here for a year or so, and he owes Ken a favor. We don’t have to pay a dime! That’s better than using the insurance.”

It seemed suspicious. A renowned psychiatrist was interested in talking to a 25 year old woman having a mental breakdown? I was so cliché it was nauseating. Manson was interesting. He had motives and twisted thoughts. I was just type-A and had stressed myself to snapping.

Armie swung by around ten to pick me up again. We had breakfast in Wells and I once again ate fried food. It wasn’t as lighthearted and fun as the day before. The fact that I was having mental problems was more apparent now, and we couldn’t avoid it.

 “I’m proud of you, Rey,” he said as we were on our way to the office.

I looked away from staring glumly out the window. “Er… thanks.”

He smiled. “I’m serious. I know this kind of thing is hard for you, and I’m glad you’re going through with it. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.”

 “I hope so.” I twiddled my thumbs, averting my eyes to my lap. “But… thanks, Armie.”

The building wasn’t what I had expected. Most psych offices were disguised as office buildings and had dark, intimidating windows. This was more similar to a house and a few cars were parked outside. It was nestled right next to the docks, unassuming amongst all the other similar buildings.

Armie frowned when we got out of his Kia. “Huh. Not what I thought it’d be.”

 “Me neither.”

We exchanged a glance but went inside.

The foyer was quiet and we were alone. A bell chimed lightly overhead as we stepped inside onto a plush, tan carpet amongst rows of magazines and self-help guides. Armie touched the small of my back and led me up to the low granite counter where a pretty brunette was working at the computer. She jumped to her feet when she saw us and flashed a megawatt smile.

 “You must be Miss Kenobi!” she said. “Welcome! My name is Abby.”

 “Hi.” I looked around at the oddly comforting furnishings. “Um… am I in the right place?”

She laughed. “Of course! This is one of Dr. Ren’s satellite offices.” Her long fingers clacked on the  computer. “I can bring you back right now. Will your friend be coming as well?”

 “No, I don’t think so.” I turned and smiled at Armie. “Thanks for bringing me. I’ll probably be an hour if you want to leave and come back.”

 “I’ll go grab a few things for lunch and be right back. Call if you need me.”

Armie gave me a hug and kissed the side of my head and was out the door. Abby beamed at me again and opened a door next to the counter, gesturing for me to walk through. I couldn’t bring myself to smile back as we walked down a short hallway, passing a few more doors on the way. At the end there was a differently colored door with a nameplate on the front that read ‘KYLO REN, MD’.

Abby left me standing in front of the door and went back to her desk. I stood there for a minute, trying to get the courage to walk in, and put my hand on the handle.

The door abruptly opened and pulled me with it—and I would’ve smashed my face off the floor if it wasn’t for Dr. Ren standing in the way. He gripped my upper arms a bit too hard as I scrambled to stand up straight, secretly admiring the vague smell of his cologne.

 “Oh dear god,” I said frantically, “oh my god, I’m so sorry!”

 “The fault was entirely mine, Miss Kenobi,” he said in a deep voice.

Dr. Ren didn’t look how I imagined. For one, he wasn’t an old guy: he was probably in his early to mid-30s and had pale skin and dark, intimidating eyes. His hair was as dark as his eyes and seemed a little unruly; medium-length and parted towards the side. His beard was neatly trimmed, accentuating the sharp angles of his jaw and chin.

My heart gave an extra feeble few beats as he smiled at me and squeezed my arms before letting go. He was way too attractive to be a shrink. Weren’t they all old and fat? Maybe my prescription on my glasses needed an update. Maybe I was hallucinating again.

He offered me his hand for a shake, smiling. “Since we’ve avoided a hospital visit—my name is Kylo Ren. It’s nice to meet you, Rey.”

I shook his hand, trying my best not to be spastic, and was surprised to find his palms felt kind of rough. He was clean, though: blue dress shirt tucked in to his pants, rolled up at the sleeves. Belt, black dress shoes. Sort of formal for a therapist.

 “You too,” I said. “Thank you for seeing me.”

The office overlooked the pier and was small and scarcely decorated. Aside from a book shelf, a plant, and a lamp, it was nearly empty. There wasn’t even a couch for me to lay down and cry on but there was a big black chair in front of Dr. Ren’s desk. I sat down and he circled around to the front of the desk, taking a seat in a high-backed office chair. A few baubles were on his desk but it was fastidiously clean and neat.

He clasped his hands on the enormous desk and glanced at his computer screen. “So Dr. Henry told me you had some kind of psychotic episode earlier this week. Do you want to explain to me exactly what happened?”

 “I’m not really sure, to be honest. I just woke up and thought this guy was trying to kill me and uh...” I felt my face redden and I looked away. “Y’know, the cops picked me up.”

 “You’ll have to forgive them—they don’t understand what a psychotic episode entails and tend to react a bit too violently. Before this episode, did you have any other strange things happen?”

 “Strange?”

Dr. Ren leaned back in his chair, clasping his long fingers. “Ah… hallucinating, delusional beliefs. Thoughts that people wanted to harm you. Thoughts of suicide.”

It was getting too personal. My chest felt tighter and I shrugged and shook my head. I wasn’t gonna talk about any of that. Everyone was sad sometimes. Or confused. It wasn’t worth telling him and risking being thrown in a mental hospital.

 “No,” I lied.

He stared at me, smiling faintly. “Okay, Rey. Why don’t we talk about something else?”

And we did—he asked me about mom and dad, my childhood, my friends, school. I told him that everything was fine and I was just stressed out about finishing college and going to work. I admitted that administering anesthesia made me nervous and he said we would work on it in later sessions. Otherwise, it was mostly questions about my past.

The time went by faster than I thought. Dr. Ren was easy to talk to, despite outward appearances, and I reconsidered lying about the whole ‘suicidal thoughts’ thing.

He leaned forward on his desk and gestured toward the pier outside. “I’m sure you’d like to escape this tiny office, so the last thing I would like to know is if you have any questions for me. Where I went to school, why I chose psychiatry. Feel free to ask.”

I didn’t want to look like an uninformed patient, so I grasped at straws.

 “Why did you choose psychiatry?” I asked.

He cocked his head, tapping his fingers on the desk, and opened his mouth to speak. Then he seemed to change his mind and pressed his lips together, thinking.

 “I had similar problems to what you’re experiencing, Rey,” he said after a while. “And I wanted to help people suffering the way we do.”

 _We._ It was hard to believe that I was comparable to the man sitting across from me who had his life completely together. But it filled me with hope. Maybe I could get over whatever was wrong with me, go back to school, and graduate with my DVM. I could save lives myself.

 “Thanks,” I said. “I already feel better, Dr. Ren.”

He rose from the desk and circled to the front to lean against it, smiling again. I suddenly felt very small underneath his intense eyes—which I suddenly noticed were actually green. He offered me a business card that I accepted after a minute.

“Please, call me Kylo,” he murmured.

Armie was in the lobby when I came out with… Kylo. He looked happy as a clam to see me and enveloped me in a smothering embrace. It looked like Abby had already left for the day as the lobby was almost completely empty.

Kylo disappeared before I could say anything else. I frowned when Armie and I left and checked out the business card when we were in his car.

The front had his name and office number. I flipped it over, not really listening to Armie, and blinked in surprised when I found a cell phone number scrawled on the back. Probably for emergencies.


	5. Then leaf subsides to leaf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updated to this point to tell you guys that if you can't handle this, you can't handle the rest of the story.

Mom tried to give me space, but she was too worried about me to quit hovering. I could feel her watching me from the corner of the living room—and for once, I wasn’t just paranoid. She bustled around the kitchen as an excuse to stay near me and I ended up eating my weight in pizza rolls. Fuck diets. I was hungry after all that emotional bullshit, even if it had already been a few days.

She settled on the couch and watched me shovel them in my mouth. Some sitcom was on, and the sound of recorded laughter drifted across the quiet house.

I guzzled some soda and shot her a dirty look. “What are you staring at?”

Her face fell a little. “Oh… I’m just so happy to have you home.”

 “You’re just waiting for me to go crazy again!” I snapped.

 “Rey, that’s not true!”

There was no reason to be pissed off, but I couldn’t control myself. I threw the plate of pizza rolls and it shattered against the opposite wall. Mom jumped in surprise as I stormed out of the house, sort of realizing that my overreaction was proving my delusional point.

It was dark out but that didn’t stop me. I had my phone and a key to the house so I could call for help or get back in whenever I wanted. But mom would panic and probably call the police, which would make for a really awkward pick up. The thought of them shoving my face into the dirt to handcuff me again made me feel queasy.

Dr. Ren said the police didn’t understand what to do with people who had psychotic episodes. The fear of them finding me grew stronger the further I walked. What if they killed me this time? I wasn’t psychotic at the moment—I mean, as far as I could tell—but… what if?

I came across the same park where Armie I had lunch the day before and morosely sat in a swing. It was well lit so I wasn’t worried for my safety; more worried about the cops showing up. I scratched my head, slipping my fingers through the braids Armie had twisted, and wondered if I really was crazy.

 “All that garbage food,” I muttered. “That’s how they poison you.”

Headlights lit up the street and I tightened my grasp on the metal links until my palms stung. Ok, Rey. Don’t freak out this time. Go with them quietly and you’ll go straight home instead of being shipped back to the institution, and having people control when you eat, sleep, shit, and piss.

But it wasn’t a police car that pulled up. It was a jet black… something—maybe a Tesla? The door opposite me opened and a tall person emerged and straightened their shirt before shutting it. The car beeped quietly when they circled the front of it and walked towards me.

I stared in blank shock as Dr. Ren—er, Kylo—approached me with his hands in his pockets. He was still wearing blank pants and a white shirt with a black tie, so maybe he recently left work. Still tall. Shiny black shoes. Still oddly attractive. Still not crazy and therefore, way out of my league. Maybe if I’d actually graduated vet school like I was supposed to.

He straightened his tie and smiled at me, sitting on the edge of a nearby picnic table. I continued gawking at him, wondering how the hell he found me so fast. I’d been gone maybe 20 minutes and mom had no clue where I was going. He bugged my phone. That was the only way he could’ve possibly known.

That was the first time I had a strange urge to run away from him. Being in his presence felt dangerous. I figured it was just the paranoia.

 “You know, I do usually charge by the hour,” he said after another minute passed with my mouth agape. He laughed a bit at his own joke. “But this visit is pro bono—so the police don’t come and mishandle things again.”

 “All I did was go for a walk.” I thawed out and picked at my shirt. “They can’t arrest me for that.”

Kylo shifted and leaned forward, clasping his hands in front of him. He was trying to look me in the eye but I neatly avoided him and examined my clothes.

 “Rey,” he said in a firm voice, “I want you to fully comprehend the situation you’re in. Your parents have custody of you. If you disappear, the police are unfortunately allowed to pick you up; even if you don’t want to go. You’re in a fragile mental state.”

 “I’m not _fragile_ ,” I hissed, tears welling up in my eyes. “I’m a goddamn medical professional! I almost got my doctorate! I am not some crazy person. I don’t need to be babysat and I don’t need the cops picking me up because I wanted to go for a fucking walk.”

It was quiet for a while. I sniffled like a petulant child and wiped tears away before they could drizzle down my cheeks. Crickets chirped in the distance and a cold breeze rustled the trees.

Suddenly, the world twisted. Kylo was kneeling in front of me, and he cupped my face in his hands. He drew his thumbs under my eyes to wipe away the tears and I stared at him in shock. His palms were smooth and huge. His long fingers knitted together at the back of my head. All I could see were his black eyes swallowing me like an abyss.

 “You’re too beautiful to cry,” he murmured, but his voice was far away—

The world twisted back again and Kylo was still sitting at the picnic table. His eyebrows were knitted together in concern as I took a few deep, steadying breaths. My face must have betrayed my fear. Holy shit. Was I hallucinating?

 “Come with me, Rey,” he said. It wasn’t a request.

 “It’s happening again,” I groaned, hiding my face in my hands. “Why is it happening again?”

A low hum began buzzing in my ears and I swayed to my feet, clutching the sides of my head. Kylo didn’t move from his spot but leaned back to watch me as I started pacing. I was getting more and more agitated by the minute. I wanted all of them to leave me alone. They just wanted to put me back in the institution because I was such an embarrassment.

I had to get away, but I could barely see. It looked like the ground was breathing. I staggered backwards away from Kylo and squeezed my eyes more tightly shut.

 “I have something that will help you, Rey,” he said.

I shook my head, yanking my hair. “No pills! I’m fine. I can get over this.”

Kylo stood up, and suddenly I felt very small. He kept his eyes on me as he reached into his front breast pocket and withdrew a small, capped needle. I stared at him.

 “It’s haloperidol,” he said, “and it’s not a pill. It will work within half an hour and you’ll feel better, Rey. There’s nothing wrong with—“

My heart leaped into my throat and I turned and ran away from him. It grew darker and darker the further I moved from the road but I wasn’t going to risk him sticking me with a needle. I knew what haloperidol was like. They forced it on me during the first episode, and I couldn’t move or speak. I wasn’t going to let anyone drug me again. Drugs were poison.

Branches whipped my face and legs and arms when I ran into the woods. My phone vibrated in my pocket but I knew they’d find me if I answered. I had no idea where I was running but I had to get away. My sneakers splashed through puddles and water seeped through my socks. My humming in my ears progressed to loud buzzing; the world twisted again.

Suddenly, I knew someone was behind me. I turned around just in time to see Kylo and fell on my butt in my haste to escape. He was murmuring to me, not angry, but I screamed and thrashed when I saw the needle in his fingers. He grabbed my arm when I tried to escape and knelt down between my legs, wrestling with my arms to keep me from clawing at his face.

The world rapidly became more distorted. Kylo’s hands were big enough that he restrained my wrists with one and used the other to uncap the needle. His eyes were dark and bright. Excited.

 “You’re a runner, hm?” Fluid squirted out of the needle and when he smiled, his teeth looked like fangs. “You’ll never get away from me.”

The needle bit into my upper arm and I was reduced to a sobbing, dirt-covered mess. I could barely see through the tears or think through the hysteria but I thought I could feel his hands all over my body and hear him whispering for me to be quiet. I was so confused—he pulled my wrist towards him, down to the part of him I really didn’t want to touch…

Twisting. I came back to reality with a wild gasp and I wasn’t in the mud in the woods. I was sitting at the kitchen table, and I was in clean, fresh pajamas.

 “She’ll be fine. Keep an eye on her, of course; watch for excessive sedation or muscle twitches. The medication usually takes a little under a day to wear off, so I’ll schedule a visit for Friday.”

Mom was crying softly. “Thank you, Kylo. I was so terrified. Thank you for taking time out to help us.”

 “Of course. Rey has a very bright future ahead of her. I’m happy to help her.” Paper tore. “I wrote down the name of the medication—that’s haloperidol—in case something happens. I’d like to avoid the hospital, so call me first if you have any questions.”

 “Thanks, Kylo,” said dad in a wavering voice.

Footsteps came towards me. Just one person. I peered through my fingers to see Kylo in the kitchen, dressed in clean black pants and a blue shirt. No tie. Boat shoes, not dress shoes. Memories floated around my head like wisps but the medication was definitely working, and I didn’t feel… anything.

He pulled out the chair next to me and sat. His black hair was awry. Stubble, too—I didn’t remember stubble from the woods. I frowned in confusion. Nothing was making sense.

 “How do you feel?” Kylo asked.

I leaned back in the chair. “I don’t understand. Weren’t you wearing something else?” I checked my upper arm and found a band aid covering the injection site.

 “Psychosis can lead you to see and believe things that aren’t real or true.” He touched my chin with his fingertips and his dark eyes examined mine. He puckered his lips. My heart fluttered.

 “I’m fine,” I said.

 “You certainly look much better.” His hand fell away and he smiled. “You tripped over your own two feet and I was worried you’d hit your head. But it did give me a chance to give you the medication. I apologize for doing so without your consent, but you were deteriorating fast. It was for your own protection.”

Everything was fuzzy. A strong hand squeezed my wrists until I squealed in pain like a pig. Warm, calloused hands roamed across my stomach. But here I was; clean and untouched. I turned my hands over to examine my wrists and didn’t find any signs of trauma.

 “Why am I remembering horrible things?” I asked, struggling to hold back tears. I looked at him, more emotional than usual. “Why is this happening to me?”

Kylo’s smile faded. “You’re very sick, Rey. Even with medication, your mind will play tricks on you. I can help you distinguish reality from fantasy, and eventually, I think you’ll be able to graduate school. But you need to trust me and learn how to relax. This happens to a lot of people like you.”

I nodded and wiped the tears from my eyes. He reminded me again to call him if I needed something, then got up and left. Mom and dad both gave me a hug and went out to the living room to watch TV together, holding hands. I was sick. Luckily, Kylo found me fast and I was back home where I needed to be. I’d get better sooner or later.

 “Mom, where’s my phone?” I called.

She looked at me over the back of the couch and sighed. “I guess you must’ve dropped it in mud—it was totally soaked and the screen cracked. We can go out and get a new one tomorrow. Armie wants to come, I think. He was worried sick tonight.”

Then I noticed the phone on the kitchen counter, totally shot to shit. A little voice in the back of my head was concerned, but I ignored it for the first time in forever. I had to learn how to trust people. Suspicion had never done me any good.


	6. So Eden sank to grief,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wheeeeeee

 “So… what does it feel like?”

It was a beautiful afternoon at the beach. Armie and I were having a picnic again, and I wondered how he found so much time to waste with my crazy ass. I’d been on the haloperidol for almost 48 hours, now trying pills, and I felt… ok. I didn’t really feel much of anything. Weird muscle spasms; a dry mouth. Transient nausea after eating.

I shrugged, eyes closed under my sunglasses. “I dunno. I feel calmer, though.”

 “Huh. Guess that’s a good thing. Haloperidol is strong stuff.”

Kids ran by us, laughing and screaming, and gulls squawked to each other overhead. The sand pipers weren’t out yet. They preferred dusk and dawn, when the beach was sparsely populated. Armie’s sunburn from our last beach trip was still peeling.

I took a sip of my soda, basking under the sun while my fair-skinned Armie was under the umbrella. We’d already gone out swimming and he threw me around like a ragdoll, tossing me into waves like when we were kids. But I was worried about him getting another sunburn. And I wasn’t entirely comfortable with how I felt when he touched my waist.

 “Everyone’s coming up to see me,” I said after a pause. “Finn, Poe, Rose. Maybe Poe thinks I’m insane enough to get back together with him.”

Armie laughed. “Didn’t he cheat on you with a professor?”

 “Yup.” I held up a hand and started counting on my fingers. “And my roommate, my roommate’s friend, my neighbor down the hall, a girl in my class… The better question is, who _didn’t_ he cheat on me with?” I looked at Armie over my shoulder and narrowed my eyes. “Maybe he even sank his claws into you!”

He snatched me off my towel and carried me into the ocean again. I shrieked with laughter and pretended to fight back as he waded out up to his waist and tossed me into a wave. Salt water slithered into my mouth on my way back up to the surface, where Armie grabbed me again and pulled me into a bone-crushing embrace.

I pushed on his bony hips, giggling. “If you throw me into the fucking ocean again, I swear, I’ll find some horse-grade anesthesia and no one will find your body.”

The waves lapped around us. I shivered a bit, chilled by the breeze drifting across my wet skin, and Armie squeezed me a little tighter.

 “I’m glad you’re ok, Rey,” he said, pressing his fingers into my back. “Anything you need—just ask.”

The water suddenly felt cold. I wriggled out of his arms, up to my stomach in ocean, and cleared my throat before walking past him. My ears burned. What the hell was he doing?

We went back to my house and I got ready to go to therapy. I washed as much of the salt water out of my hair as I could, brushed my teeth, and put on a pretty blouse and jeans. It was weird, but I didn’t feel as on edge as I usually did. Maybe that was why I finally asked my friends if they wanted to come visit. I was in a pleasant haze.

Mom was out of work early, so she dropped me off. She gave me a long kiss on the forehead and I hoped she hadn’t been wearing lipstick. I promised to send her a text with my new phone as soon as I was done. She was going to pick out some new clothes for me in the meantime.

The door was open, but the secretary was nowhere to be seen. I frowned as I walked through the building to Kylo’s office. The door was shut, just like the last time I’d come.

I straightened my shirt outside and quelled the little somersaults my heart was pulling. I’d have to find a new therapist if I couldn’t get a hold of myself. That would mean even more time out of school. One knock drew out a ‘come in’, and I let myself inside the office.

Kylo was on his laptop and glanced up at me when I stood awkwardly in the doorframe. He raised an eyebrow and nodded towards the couch on the opposite wall, where I collapsed and promptly spilled the contents of my purse. The laptop clicked shut as I hurriedly shoveled everything back inside.

He leaned back in his chair, steepling his fingers. He was wearing a white shirt and black tie. “Something wrong, Rey?”

 “Uh, no. Just a klutz.” I situated my purse on the couch and it tipped precariously again. “I guess I carry too much shit around.”

A smile touched the corners of his lips. He rose from his chair and sat in a cushy one closer to me, holding a tablet instead of a notepad. He smelled like pine needles and… cinnamon?

 “Well, I can’t help you with that,” Kylo said. “Did you try the haloperidol pills?”

 “I took one today, around 8 this morning. It’s ok. I feel like a robot.”

 “It’s a very strong antipsychotic; I usually use it to abort episodes.” He glanced up at me, smiling. “But I don’t make a habit of jabbing my patients with needles. Let’s try something else. Abilify is a good basic antipsychotic. If that doesn’t work, we can try risperdone.”

I didn’t know jack shit about psychiatric meds. We didn’t exactly have dogs with schizophrenia in veterinary medicine. And I felt weird questioning him.

 “Sure,” I said. “Whatever works.”

Kylo clicked around on his tablet. “There are some other options, but I’d like to try the cheapest and easiest first. If you don’t like them, we can try another. But these medications all come with fairly uncomfortable side effects.”

 “Can’t I just talk to you once a week?” I ventured.

His movements stopped. Kylo paused mid-tap on the tablet and his dark eyes flickered up to mine. I shrank back into the couch, glad I had worn my glasses to hide my reddening cheeks. He tilted his head. How was he so intimidating? No wonder he fixed so many people—they were scared to fail.

He didn’t even blink. “Of course, Rey. I won’t force you to take medication. However, I was under the impression that you were going to trust me from now on.”

I wrung my hands. Fuck, I hadn’t been so nervous since my assessments in school. “I do, but I don’t like a pill controlling my personality.”

 “Psychosis is not a part of your personality,” Kylo said coldly. “The medication lowers the excess levels of dopamine in your brain, allowing you to function and allowing us to have meaningful discussion about how you will reshape the maladaptive personality that has culminated in psychotic episodes.” His jaw shifted, irritated. “The medication is a means to an end, not the solution.”

This time, I just nodded in agreement and decided to drop it. I’d try it, then. If I didn’t like it, mom and dad wouldn’t force it down my throat, and neither would Kylo.

We talked most of the session. I understood that my type A personality was an issue, and that I couldn’t be so hard on myself. That was difficult to commit to in the middle of vet school. If anyone could graduate, it wouldn’t have such huge drop out rates.

 “My friends are coming to visit,” I said towards the end of the session.

Kylo nodded, not really paying attention. “That’s good. What do you plan on doing?”

 “Maybe going camping, or just hanging out at the beach.” I mulled over my day with Armie, and hesitated before speaking again. “My friend, Armitage, has a crush on me, I think. He’s in med school and still finds all this time to wait on me hand and foot.”

 “I see.”

 “But he’s not really my type,” I continued, ignoring Dr. Ren’s general lack of interest.

He looked like he wanted to say something but thought better of it. Kylo folded up his tablet and rose from his chair, extending a hand.

 “I sent the prescription to your pharmacy,” he said, shaking my hand. “I’ll see you next week, Rey.” He squeezed my hand. “Unless you try to run off again.”

I laughed but left my second session with Dr. Ren feeling even odder than the first time.


	7. So dawn goes down today

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry han is like wildly ooc but he's barely in this anyway  
> also yah kylo has siblings lol

The next couple of weeks were quiet. I kept up on studying but stopped worrying about when I would get back to school. Yoga and meditation helped, along with the Abilify, and I kept exercising to make sure I didn’t gain weight on it. Some days I had odd muscle twitches but I otherwise felt ok—not angry and on edge. I was gradually getting better.

Therapy went well, too. Kylo suggested ways I could let out tension and stop letting school control my life. I started taking a few seconds to respond when someone annoyed me, and it worked wonders. I’d sit on the beach by myself for hours. Sometimes Armie would come with me.

I tried to ignore my weird feelings for both Kylo and Armie. Girly crushes weren’t really my thing so I chalked it up to the medication and my new-found vulnerability.

On a Sunday afternoon in July, my friends from vet school finally arrived in Wells for our reunion and their vacation. I was staying with them for the week in a house in the woods, which my parents thought was a safe enough idea. I promised to call if anything happened.

 “My friends are finally here.”

It was my last day of therapy for about two weeks. We were just finishing up and Dr. Ren was writing me a new script for Abilify. He didn’t look at me. Lately he’d seemed more tired. He wore polos and jeans now instead of dress shirts. Abby, the receptionist, was never around anymore.

 “Oh? What are you all doing?” he asked.

 “Camping. Kind of. We’re just staying in a cabin in Moose Point.”

Kylo glanced up at me. “It’s very pretty there, and not too far from home. Make sure you don’t drink any alcohol. It can worsen the sedation, or even draw out psychosis.”

There was a knock on the door and I nearly jumped through the ceiling in surprise. Kylo rolled his eyes, like he was dreading seeing the guest, and called ‘come in’ in an annoyed tone. I sent a text to Armie to pick me up as the door opened.

A man with gray hair peered inside. He saw me and hesitated, but Kylo said something in a foreign language and the man politely waved to me as he stepped in. He had darker skin than Kylo but the same dark hair and eyes. He looked middle-aged but was in good shape and had rough, calloused hands. His son would tower over him.

Kylo went behind his desk and gestured to the man. “Miss Kenobi, this is my father, Han.”

They looked a lot alike. Han waved to me again, breaking out in a big smile, and I immediately had the impression that he and his son were polar opposites.

 “Nice to meet you!” Han said. “I’m sorry if I interrupted. Kylo and I are going to get lunch—would you like to join us?"

 “That’s not appropriate,” Kylo interjected before I could consider the offer. He shot his father a dirty look. “At all.”

I hitched my purse over my shoulder and smiled back at Han. “Thank you, but my friend Armie is taking me out to Bayley’s.”

Han threw his hands up. “That’s where we’re going!” He looked back at Kylo and shrugged. “That doesn’t sound inappropriate to me. Come, come; everyone needs a full stomach and a few good laughs after therapy.”

There wasn’t much chance to refuse. Kylo ground his jaw and packed his tablet and some other things into a briefcase while Han started regaling me with the ins and outs of his life. He was an immigrant from Armenia and owned a rather large construction company based out of Portland. His wife and Kylo’s mother, Leia, met at college and had three other kids and two grandkids. I told him my parents were immigrants from England and he asked me tons of questions about that.

The entire discussion happened before we even walked out of the building. Han was boisterous and friendly and talked a lot with his hands. Clearly Kylo didn’t take after him.

 “Where’s Abby?” Han asked, frowning and finally taking a breath. “I miss our lunches.”

Kylo locked the door, keys jangling. “She quit.”

 “Oh… that’s too bad. Do you have her number? She was supposed to show your mother how to fix a tear in one of her favorite dresses. And I’d like to—“

 “I don’t have it,” Kylo said coldly.

Armie pulled up in his Mercedes a second later and got out to meet Han and Kylo. He shook both of their hands and gave me an uncomfortably long hug. When we separated, I noticed Kylo was grinding his jaw again and looking off into the distance.

 “Are you two…?” Han began, raising his eyebrows.

 “Oh, no,” I laughed. “I’ve known Armie since we were kids. He’s going to med school down in Albany, New York. His family has lived here a long time—the Hux’s.”

Han suddenly clapped his hands, again caught by surprise, and put a hand on Armie’s shoulder. “I know your father very well! How big you’ve grown!” He turned Armie, steering him towards the car. “Tell me how your mother is. She has her own genetics company now, correct?”

Kylo and I ended up in the back seat so Han could keep pelting Armie with questions. He took out his phone a few times to double check that he still had Armie’s dad’s number. I liked Han. He was probably the friendliest person I’d ever met and seemed genuinely interested in people.

 “Are your friends here yet?”

I blinked. I’d gotten really wrapped up in listening to Han and hardly heard his son’s quieter, somewhat more ominous voice. I nodded and tried to stay as close to the window as I could. It’d be super weird if I touched him.

 “Yeah,” I said. “They’re already at the cabin. Armie and I are heading up tonight. And I won’t drink, even though that’s basically torture to a 25-year-old.”

Kylo gave me a sideways glance and a smile touched the corners of his mouth. “There are worse things that I could torture you with.” He looked at the floor of the car and then his father. “I hope he doesn’t affect your professional opinion of me.”

That time I knew I wasn’t hallucinating. The world wasn’t twisted; the floor wasn’t breathing. It was meant as a joke. Right?

 “Uh… no, not at all,” I said. “He seems like a nice guy.”

 “He is. Thankfully my mother has a little more common sense.”

Lunch was surprisingly fun. Han told us some stories from Armenia and his childhood, and how he always dreamed of immigrating to America. He had nothing but nice things to say about Leia and their kids, Jacen, Jaina, and Breha. They were scattered across the country but he called all of them every day after work and traveled often to see them.

Han barely touched his fish and chips in his haste to tell us every detail about his kids. “Breha is the oldest—she’s a lot like Kylo. Lives in California with her wife, and she has written a few best-sellers. Kylo was born second, then we had the twins, Jacen and Jaina. Jacen has my two grandbabies, Anabel and Luke, down in New York City. Jaina travels a lot but she’s in Connecticut right now.”

 “What do they do?” I asked.

 “Jaina is a travel photographer.” Han beamed. “She was always a free spirit. Jacen is a realtor and he does very well. His wife, Carrie, and him met in high school and Anabel was born the day after they graduated. She’s a blessing—an absolute blessing. I offered to take her while they were off in college, but they both worked hard and didn’t need Leia and I much. Carrie took her bar exam a week after Luke was born. I’m very fond of her.”

Kylo had his head in his hands. “Miss Kenobi doesn’t need to hear your life story.”

 “What does your mother do?” Han asked, totally ignoring Kylo and digging into his food.

 “My mom is an RN—“

Han suddenly slammed his hands down on the table and clasped them together, shaking them excitedly. “Leia is a nurse as well! They probably work together and don’t even know it!” He took out his phone and started texting. "Of course, Kylo's real name is Ben Solo, but he uses an adopted name for professional purposes."

Kylo snatched the phone away from his father and shot him an acidic glare. “Are you insane?! Do you know what HIPAA is?”

Armie snickered under his breath, eating the half of my lunch that I didn’t have. I elbowed him in the ribs and gave him a cold glare, too. Han looked crestfallen and put the phone away when his son tossed it back to him. Jesus. Yeah, contacting my family like that was illegal, but he was just being nice.

 “I really don’t mind,” I said, tentatively.

 “We need to leave.” Kylo rose and jerked his head towards the door. “Let’s go, dad. We can walk back to the office from here.”

 “I’ll drop you off,” Armie said, standing, too. “Let me just pay the bill—“

Kylo dropped a $100 bill on the table and left without another word. Han apologized quietly and followed his son, not standing quite as tall. Armie and I didn’t move for a minute, then exchanged a confused look.

Armie sat back down and kept eating. “Jesus, he seems uptight. Therapy must be a blast.”

I shrugged. “He’s a renowned psychiatrist. Wrote lots of papers, visits notorious serial killers in jail. You can’t be that smart and still be a people-person. Hurry up and finish; I’m ready to see my friends.”

It wasn’t a very long drive up to the cabin. I was happy to see how huge it was and our proximity to the lake. They’d all taken Rose’s Civic and she came running out the door the second Armie shut off the Mercedes. I leapt out and we shrieked like banshees as we hugged each other and spun around. I missed her so much.

 “REY!” she squealed. “Oh my god, you look so great!”

Rose was short and small and had black hair. She was smart as a whip, though, and routinely achieved better grades than I did. She always wore pretty, flowing shirts and skinny jeans and looked like a supermodel. She was my best friend and kept me sane up until I couldn’t take it anymore.

Poe and Finn came out as Rose hugged Armie. Finn was openly gay and had a steady boyfriend, Charlie, for the past four or so years. He was from Haiti and French was his first language. Poe was my ex, a traditionally attractive guy from Florida. He was also an asshole.

 “Hey guys,” I said, hugging Finn. I didn’t touch Poe; just waved. “How was the drive?"

 “Not bad at all,” Finn said. “Charlie’s inside taking a nap. Poor kid got car sick.”

Poe wrapped an arm around my shoulders and steered me towards the house, grinning. “What kind of pills did you get, Rey? Any good shit?”

I scowled. “Nothing I’m giving _you_.”

Finn helped Armie get our stuff out of the car and Rose tore me away from Poe, winding one of her long arms through mine. She started chattering about how she couldn’t wait for me to come back to school, and I leaned my head on her shoulder. Things almost felt normal.

 


	8. Nothing gold can stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohhhhh lawd

 “How’s everything going, Rey?”

It was day three of my vacation and I was having a great time. Rose and I were floating around in the lake in a gpoet float with drink holders, and the guys were fishing on Armie’s dad’s boat. It was quiet. There weren’t any other houses around for about a mile and only one other boat was out on the water. We both had wine, but I was drinking mine really slow. No alcohol—that was impossible.

I sort of hated talking about ‘how I was’. I was heavily medicated and tired a lot. I had to drop out of school and had no idea when I’d go back. My therapist was ridiculously hot and I also had weird feelings for my best friend from childhood. I couldn’t work and felt isolated.

 “It’s ok,” I said. “I’m into meditation now.”

Rose laughed and poured herself more wine. “Don’t turn into a hippie.” She corked the bottle again and smiled, kind of sad. “I miss you a lot, Rey. I hope you come back for our last year.”

 “Me too. So how’s your summer been?”

The guys came back and we headed to the cabin to find Charlie outside firing up the grill. He was a quiet, short guy and we got along pretty well. Everyone went inside to change and Armie trailed after me with his bag of trout.

I made a disgusted face. “Ewww, get that shit away from me!”

 “Dinner, Rey!”

He shook the bag in my face, chasing me when I shrieked and ran into the cabin. Rose slapped my butt on the way and laughed with Finn. Poe shouted at us to get a room as I hurried up the stairs to my room, demanding Armie quit torturing me with dead fish.

The cabin was huge. It had six rooms and three bathrooms and was decorated with all kinds of random Maine antiques. My room was right next to Rose’s and I used her doorframe to swing myself around the corner and into my own room. Armie was a lot taller than me and fast, so I couldn’t shut the door before he got inside with the smelly trout.

Armie dropped the bag and tackled me onto the bed, laughing and wrestling my thrashing arms like when we were kids. He’d always been smaller than me so I always won, but times had changed. I was crying laughing and the faint smell of charcoal and pine trees drifted in my window.

 “You’re such a dick!” I squealed.

He finally pried my arms apart and pinned them next to my head. He still had his swim trunks on and was tanned now from all the sun. I had my cover-up on for my bathing suit. I struggled to catch my breath and suppress my giggles and noticed his smile slowly fade away.

It was quiet. Everyone was still outside. His blue eyes flickered down to my lips and in the next instant, he kissed me.

Pleasant warmth flooded me and I found myself kissing him back. He relaxed his body on mine and I wrapped my arms around his back, eager like I hadn’t expected myself to be. His tongue slipped in my mouth; fingers knotted through my hair. I could already feel hot, hard pressure between my legs.

We didn’t say anything. We didn’t even get up to close the door. It was desperate and fast—either because we were afraid of getting caught, or afraid of actually thinking about what we were doing. I managed to stay quiet until he pushed inside me and a small gasp hissed through my teeth. No condom, but I was on birth control and I’d known Armie for so long that I assumed he was clean.

His trunks were only half off and my bathing suit bottom had made it to my ankles. I hitched my calves on his hips and sank my nails into his back, and he left a trail of kisses across my neck. It was the craziest thing I’d ever done, which was a lot coming from a woman who hallucinated a man trying to kill her. But I needed to be more spontaneous. This was a _good_ thing.

It was over before I had enough time to worry. We lay there for a few minutes, both panting and turning things over in our heads, when I heard Rose call our names from downstairs.

Armie leaned back to pull up his shorts and ran a hand through his red hair. He smiled and laughed a little. “...Wow.”

The sweat beading on my body made me chilly. I just smiled back at him, not sure of what to say, and went to the bathroom in my bedroom to change. Ok. No big deal.

I took a shower to wash off the lake water and remorse slowly ebbed in. Maybe it was a big deal. I’d obviously had sex before, but Armie was my friend and I may have given him false hope. I scrubbed my hair and my stomach tightened uncomfortably. That was why I didn’t like being spontaneous. It always made you do stupid shit.

Everyone was eating when I went downstairs. Armie looked completely at ease and was laughing at a joke Finn was telling him. Poe was smirking at his phone, probably texting some girl, and Rose was shoveling pasta salad in her face. I pulled out the chair between her and Charlie and he heaped food on a plate for me. I was starting to feel sick.

Rose piled stuff on her burger, eyeing me. “Since when do you not have an appetite? Still only eating ‘clean’ or whatever?” She drowned the burger in ketchup and looked at me imploringly.

 “No, I gave up on that,” I said. I picked at my pasta salad and tried to avoid Armie’s gaze. “I think the meds make me nauseous sometimes.”

 “That’s why I’m gonna be a vet,” Poe said, finally tearing his eyes away from his phone. He gave me a pointed smirk and started chewing with his mouth open. “Animals don’t go crazy.”

 “You literally gave Prozac to a cat the other day,” Finn said, rolling his eyes.

 “You’re being a real douchebag, Poe.” Rose rubbed my back and nudged my plate, trying to tempt me to eat, and nodded at Armie. “Rey’s boyfriend is gonna punch you.”

My cheeks flooded with heat. “We aren’t dating.”

 “Rey needs to focus on getting better.” Armie didn’t sound mad but I didn’t have to look at him to know he wasn’t smiling anymore. “But I’ll still punch you, Poe.”

Everyone laughed except for me. I felt increasingly terrible about what I had done with Armie but I was afraid to talk to Rose or Finn. It would just make things more confusing and weird.

I excused myself and no one questioned me. Armie stayed at the table but I could feel his gaze follow me down the hallway. It would be ok—I just needed to talk to Kylo, if he had some time for me. He could convince me that everything would be fine and I could enjoy my vacation.

The sheets were still messy in my bedroom and the faint smell of sex hung in the air. My skin prickled as I dialed Kylo’s number and rummaged through my bag for my meds. Maybe one extra pill would help me relax? Anything was better than having another psychotic episode.

It took one ring for him to answer.

 “Hello, Rey.” There was a shuffling sound in the background.

I swallowed hard. His voice made me feel guilty. “Uh… hi.” The heat in my cheeks spread and I started regretting calling him. “I think I made a bad decision and it’s making me really anxious.”

 “And what was that?” he asked, sounding not at all interested.

 “Well… I was messing around with Armie, and…” I sat down on the edge of my bed and nudged the door shut with my foot before speaking the dreaded words. “We… y’know.”

 “I don’t know. Elaborate.”

I picked at my shirt. “We… slept together.”

I’d expected him to laugh at me for calling him about something so trivial or hang up right then in there. Instead, Kylo was quiet for a full minute and I heard him shuffling papers. I was totally humiliated and I sat there with my head in my hand. So it had been a stupid choice. Good to know.

 “I understand how that could cause some anxiety,” he said tersely. “Have you been drinking?”

 “No. That’s about the only good decision I’ve made.”

He laughed a little. “Well if you’re concerned about your anxiety developing into psychosis, that’s unlikely to happen. You should be fine if you took your medication today.”

I sighed in relief. “Thank you so much for—“

 “Of course, I would be happy to come get you if you’re uncomfortable.”

 _What?!_ My jaw popped open and I was the one left speechless. Why?

 “Uh…” I frowned and stood up to pace. “I mean, I’m not like afraid of Armie or anything.”

 “I don’t think you need to be. However, I’m concerned that he may be taking advantage of the situation, and I don’t want your most important friendship to be permanently damaged by some poor decision making.” He paused. “But that’s up to you, Rey.”

I bristled at the insinuation that Armie was some kind of predator and I was dumb enough to be prey. But the emotion passed quickly and I tried to be rational. Kylo had a good point. I was in a tough spot and I didn’t want my volatile emotions ruining my friendship with Armie. He was an amazing friend and I loved him. Figuring out how to heal myself had to come before figuring out what kind of love I had for Armie.

I sat down again and glanced at my closed door. “You… you think it would be smart to leave?”

 “Not ‘smart’—in the best interest of your health? Yes. Your personal problems need to be resolved before you can begin a healthy relationship.” Kylo laughed again to himself, like he was trying to hide it. “And I know exactly what 20-something year old men are thinking about.”

 “Armie isn’t like that,” I muttered.

A door shut in the background and keys jangled. Kylo was on his way? “He does seem reasonable, but I can only speak from personal experience as a man who was in his 20s once upon a time. Send me the address and I’ll be there shortly.”

There was a soft knock on my door and I thanked Kylo before hanging up. I said ‘come in’ while I typed out the address to the house and my heart pattered. First he gave me free therapy, then he offered to rescue from my bad choices. What a guy.

Armie peered inside, frowning. “Everything ok, Rey?”

 “Yeah.” I avoided his eyes and started packing some things. “I’m gonna head home, I think. I need to do some soul-searching.”

 “Soul-searching?” Armie echoed. “Is that code for regretting having sex with me?”

I ignored him and kept packing. He grabbed my arm and I spun around to get out of his grasp but he held me fast. We glared at each other and tears welled up in my eyes.

 “Let go of me!” I snapped.

 “Let me guess—Kylo is coming to get you.” Armie pulled me a little closer and I could see real pain in his blue eyes. “Rey, I love you. I would never hurt you. Don’t let him convince you that I’m like every other guy. He doesn’t know everything.”

I wiped the back of my hand across my eyes and Armie didn’t stop me when I pulled away. “But he does know that I need to fix myself before I can be with anyone.”

 “How is that fair to me, Rey?!” Armie demanded. “I know you’re sick but you can’t use it as an excuse to avoid me.” He grabbed my face in his hands, forcing me to look at him. “Let me help you get better. Let me help you!”

 “Guys, what’s going on?”

Rose was in the doorframe, eyebrows knitted in concern. Her appearance seemed to knock some sense into Armie and he left without another word, stalking downstairs and slamming the front door. My best friend looked back at me and tentatively stepped inside the room.

I just wanted to get the fuck out of there. Armie was in love with me and I didn’t know how I felt about him. We had sex and I was oddly anxious about it. I needed space to think.

Rose was an angel like always. She didn’t ask questions, just helped me pack. She hugged me when we were done and said she was always there if I needed to talk. Finn and Charlie were sad to see me go and we hugged and promised to keep in touch. Poe was on the phone with some girl.

Around 5 o’clock, a sleek black Audi pulled up in the gravel driveway. Rose was standing next to me at the door with her arms folded and blinked in surprise.

 “Nice ride,” she said.

Kylo emerged from the car in a pair of jeans and a black dress shirt. He walked away and the car twittered and my pulse quickened. I’d almost forgotten how attractive he was—tall and dark and handsome. Damn.

Rose whistled. “Jesus Christ, Rey. Where’d you find this guy?”

The doorbell rang and we both hurried to open it. Kylo stepped inside and clipped sunglasses to the front of his shirt, smiling genially at Rose and shaking her hand.

 “You must be Rose,” he said. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

 “And you’re clearly the shrink.” Rose smirked at me and gestured to the house. “We’ll be here the rest of the week if Rey forgot anything. Thanks for picking her up.”

 “I don’t mind. Rey is a brilliant woman and I’d like her to return to school with all of you very soon.” His dark eyes roamed to me and he smiled. “Shall we?”


	9. Exordium

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT BEGINS

Leaving my friends behind wasn’t exactly what I wanted to do, but after my altercation with Armie, I was ready to leave. Kylo and Rose helped me load my things in the car and we were off just as the sun started to set. I took a deep breath when I slid into the Audi and marveled at the leather interior.

 “Nice car,” I said, repeating Rose’s words.

Kylo glanced at me and smirked. “Thank you. It gets me from point A to point B.” He shifted into first gear and started backing out. “So, how were your few days off?”

 “Really relaxing, actually.” I sank down in my seat, curling my hair around my finger, and felt my cheeks flush. “Until I made a dumb mistake earlier.”

 “I wouldn’t worry too much. Plenty of people your age make that mistake on a weekly basis.”

 “But they aren’t crazy.”

 “Neither are you.” His dark eyes moved to me as he shifted gears switching onto the highway. “But you’re also not like other people your age.”

I shrugged and looked at my hands. Maybe I was and I tried to hide it.

We were both quiet for a long time. It was at least an hour back to Scarborough but I had run out of things to talk about. It felt awkward being in his car and not the office talking to one another. He was busy, so why did he waste his time coming to pick me up?

I twiddled my thumbs. “I hope you weren’t busy. Sorry if I bothered you.”

 “Not at all. To be honest, I was waiting for you to call me. Your medication is still new and what’s happened to you is still fresh. You need rest—and sometimes, that means isolation.”

 “…You’re right.”

 “Try not to feel guilty, Rey. Your friend understands the implications of your illness. You’ll be back to normal functioning soon.”

Kylo was being far kinder than I deserved. I smiled at him but the guilt still weighed me down. Poor Armie. I was being so selfish and unfair. Part of my flimsy support system was already gone thanks to me not considering the consequences of my actions.

I sighed and gazed out the window. “I wish I didn’t have to take these pills. I mean, I get that they help, but they make me feel so… different.”

 “Altering dopamine levels does tend to have that effect. We could always supplement them with something else to help. Tell me how you feel ‘different.’”

Therapy on the move? I shifted in my seat and tried to verbalize how weird I felt. I was bland, boring, tired. I let other people make choices for me. None of it was right.

 “I still feel… anxious,” I said. “But I also feel totally drained. I don’t know.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “I feel like I don’t have control over anything anymore.”

 “Well the prior is from the Abilify, but the latter is likely a normal part of going through therapy. We can do whatever you’d like, Rey.”

I shrugged, curling my hair behind my ear. “I… guess I could try something else.”

 “Okay.” Kylo glanced at me and nodded towards the road. “I don’t keep any medications in the office so we can stop at my home before I bring you back to yours.”

 “Are you sure? I don’t want to impose…”

He waved me off. “You’re anxious now so I’d like to see if this can help you tonight.”

Ok, no big deal. It was just his house. He probably saw patients there sometimes—I knew tons of therapists did that to save on rental costs for an office. I smiled and thanked him again and sent off a text to Rose to let her know where I was going. She sent me back a bunch of goofy smiley emojis.

About fifteen minutes later we pulled down a long gravel driveway to a small cabin. The lights were on outside and upstairs. I unhooked my seatbelt and followed Kylo out of the car up the stairs to the front door. I noticed bars on the windows and laughed as he unlocked the house.

 “Keeping someone out?” I teased.

Kylo smirked at me over his shoulder. “I do live in the middle of nowhere.”

It was warm inside. An electric fireplace was running in the living room where there was a big couch and a few chairs. I stood awkwardly at the door until Kylo gestured for me to follow him. I slipped off my shoes and walked across a carpet, past stairs, and into the kitchen. It smelled so good inside, like vanilla and cinnamon. I thought of Christmas and being a carefree kid again.

It was definitely rustic but that was common in Maine. Lots of wooden accents and fishing or hunting decorations. The counters looked like black granite and the applPoeces were all stainless steel. Pots and pans hung from a rack over the island. A sliding glass door led to the backyard that was shrouded in darkness, but I could make out an inground pool.

Kylo dropped his keys on the counter and to my surprise, went to the fridge. He offered me a bottle of water and I noticed a multi-colored bracelet on his wrist that I hadn’t seen before. It was brown and black and reddish. Kind of looked like hair. Maybe he had horses or something?

 “I’m gonna be honest; you struck me as a more modern person,” I said after taking a sip of water.

 “White walls and furniture and glass décor?” Kylo laughed to himself and nodded towards the living room. “Sometimes I see patients here so I like it to feel like a home. I’m usually not here—I travel too much so I bounce between my properties.”

Made sense. Kylo led me back out of the kitchen on a mini tour of the house. He had a formal dining room parallel to the living room and the stairs to the second floor were sandwiched between them. My pulse quickened as we ascended the stairs and I tried to keep my mind from wandering. He was a doctor. He had standards and morals and…

 “There’s two bedrooms,” Kylo said, interrupting my daydreaming. He paused in the middle of the hallway and turned to face me, dark eyes studying me, and another odd smile touched the corners of his lips. “You’re welcome to one if you’d like to stay here for the night, Rey.”

Oh Jesus. My cheeks were on fire all over again and I was again grateful for the darkness. Could I get a pill that would make my mind stop wandering?

 “Um—” I struggled to form a sentence. “Uh—I mean, um…”

He took a sip of his water and raised an eyebrow. He totally knew what he was doing to me, I was sure of it. “Before you ask, it’s not an imposition. You’re an interesting case, and I sometimes allow patients to stay here who are in that category.”

His words crushed me a little. _Interesting case,_ like I was a lab rat. I was pretty positive that he was sick of me questioning his kindness so I just nodded in agreement. Kylo smiled at turned back around to show me the bathrooms and his own bedroom and I texted Rose in all caps that I was staying in his house.

Kylo went into his bedroom and I waited at the threshold, afraid to even look inside. Therapists were different than regular doctors, since mental health was so complicated. It wasn’t totally inappropriate for me to stay over, right? We weren’t gonna watch movies and get hammered together or anything. I’d go to sleep and therapy would start in the morning. No big deal.

He came back with a green pill and shut the bedroom door behind him. I held it up in the dark hallway and squinted at it, trying to read the label. Hmm.

 “It’s BuSpar,” Kylo murmured. “Perfectly safe. Not a benzodiazepine or barbiturate.”

Fair enough. I popped it in my mouth and finished my bottle of water to swallow it. Kylo stood in front of me with his hands in his pockets and just smiled.

 “It shouldn’t take long to start working,” he said. “Are you hungry?”

 “I’m ok.” I tore at the label on the water bottle and teetered back, uncomfortable standing so close to him. “Uh, I think I’ll go to bed, if that’s ok.”

 “Why don’t we talk for a bit?”

The world suddenly shifted right. I staggered to keep upright but Kylo didn’t reach out to help me. Colorful spots bloomed across my vision and tears gathered in my eyes as I realized what was happening. Not again. Why did it always happen with him?!

I rubbed my eyes. “It’s—it’s starting again.” My hands slid up the sides of my head and tangled in my hair and I squeezed my eyes shut. “What do I do?”

 “Relax. The medication will help.”

My ears started ringing and the colors burst into flowers around Kylo’s head. He kept smiling at me and we were moving backwards down the hallway. The anxiety was sucked away like a vacuum even as the world tilted and twisted inward. I stared into his black eyes, becoming lost in them, absorbed by darkness. I smiled as my limbs turned to jelly.

 “I’m sleepy,” I mumbled.

 “I know you are, sweet girl. Why don’t we talk about Armitage?”

I was slumped over in a chair but I was so relaxed that I didn’t care. I blinked slowly and a smile spread across my face. Kylo was sitting across from me in a chair, too, and he had the tablet in his hand. He looked so good—all long features and dark hair and pale skin. He smiled back at me and raised his eyebrows, urging me to speak.

 “Wow,” I said, forming an ‘o’ with my mouth. “This stuff is nice.” I ignored his question to look around the room, surprised that it was the living room I’d passed through earlier. Everything was so bright and pretty, and the armrest felt so silky and soft.

Kylo laughed and clicked around on the tablet. “It is, isn’t it? You can use it to abort panic attacks, and perhaps during our sessions.” His dark eyes flickered up to me, suddenly cold. “Then I can root around deeper in that pretty little head of yours. Do you feel sick?”

I shook my head and reached up at the overhead recessed lighting, struck by a need to feel the bulbs in my hands. “No, definitely not. I’m so…” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. The world had stopped twisting and folding and confusing me. I was relieved.

 “Good. So why don’t you tell me about your friend?”

 “It happened so fast,” I slurred, no longer inhibited by fear of being judged. “We were just messing around and then we were in my bed and I thought it would be a good idea to stop trying to control everything.” I blinked again and stars flickered in front of Kylo’s face.

 “Mhm. And how did he respond?”

 “He was mad when I left and said I wasn’t being fair.” I rolled my eyes and my entire head lolled back in the chair. “It’s whatever, y’know?”

Kylo shrugged. “His emotions are valid, but so are yours. In your state, you should be trying to avoid having sex with anyone. You can return to the pleasures of the flesh when you’ve been episode-free for at least a few weeks.”

I burst out laughing and hurried to cover my mouth. _Pleasures of the flesh._ Jesus Christ.

 “I guess I’ll avoid banging anyone else ‘til you give me the thumbs-up, doc.” I gave him two sarcastic thumbs-up and promptly devolved into a fit of giggles.

 “It wasn’t satisfying, was it?”

This question drew a confused and amused reaction from me. I shook my head and leaned over in the chair, trying to curl up like a cat. Kylo was staring at me.

 “No,” I yawned, “but I figured it wouldn’t be.”

 “That’s unfortunate. A healthy sex life is one of the keys to a healthy mind.”

 “But you just told me I’m not allowed to have sex.” I shot him a smug smirk and tugged a cover on the back of the chair over myself. “Checkmate, shrink-a-dink.”

Kylo raised an eyebrow and tilted his head, smile growing wider. “Only until I can teach you what you deserve, Rey. Are you falling asleep on me?”

His words didn’t bother me in the least. I yawned again and nodded sleepily, ready for a nap right there in the chair. Arms scooped me up, blanket and all, and I dozed off a few times on our way up the stairs. God, he really did smell good. I tugged on his shirt to get closer to his chest and inhaled. Pine needles. Lemon. Cucumber. Cinnamon. Mmm.

 “Are you smelling me?” he murmured, nudging open a door with his foot.

 “Smelling wasn’t on my list of banned activities.” I blearily looked around—we were in the second bedroom and it disappointed me. “I have to sleep here all alone?”

Kylo whistled as he lay me down in the bed. “And now you’re propositioning me? It seems like I overshot your dosage a little bit.”

I crawled under the covers, still in my clothes from the cabin, and snuggled into the sheets. “Don’t flatter yourself. I’m just looking for a something to cuddle.”

Nothing seemed inappropriate thanks to whatever medication I’d taken. My eyes were closed so I just heard him laugh under his breath. He didn’t seem like he was much of a cuddler.

 “I’ll be down the hall if you need me, okay?” he said. “Help yourself to whatever’s in the kitchen, though it might not be much.” Fingers tentatively touched my head and stroked my hair. “Goodnight, Rey. I have high hopes for you.”

I passed out before the bedroom door shut.


	10. Idle hands are the devil's workshop

 “She called me last night. She wasn’t feeling well—I wasn’t sure if she’d have another psychotic break.” Laughter. “I’m happy to help, Jack.”

It was warm and soft—like the chinchillas I used to treat in school. I moaned quietly as the tethers of sleep slipped away and my mind began the arduous task of figuring out where the fuck I was. Broken sunlight dappled across me as I propped myself up in bed and squinted blearily at my surroundings. I turned to look up at the window and saw black iron bars.

The voice talking on the phone stopped and I heard feet on stairs a few moments later. Everything was coming back to me: Kylo’s house, me leaving the cabin, me taking a medication that made me feel almost human. A lot of it was still fuzzy, though.

There was a gentle knock on the door and I rubbed my eyes as I mumbled for Kylo to come in. I wasn’t awake enough to be anxious about seeing him, but that would come soon enough.

He peered inside and entered with the phone still on his ear. Now he was in a black t-shirt and grey sweatpants, and somehow he still looked good. The shirt was almost skin-tight and heat flooding my cheeks woke me up before a cup of coffee could. He smiled and offered me the phone.

 “Hello?” I croaked. I looked so gross. My brown hair looked like hay in the mornings.

 “Hey, Rey.” It was dad and he sounded tired, too. “How’re you feeling?”

I glanced at Kylo, who had his hands in his pockets and was politely turned away from me, touring the room. My feeble heart pattered faster and I shrugged.

 “Um, I’m ok,” I said. “Dr. Ren was nice enough to let me stay here last night. Sorry if you and mom were worried.”

 “Rose called and let us know. Always liked that kid.” There was a pouring sound in the background. “So Kylo and your mom and I were talking and… we think maybe it would be a good idea for you to stay out there for a few days. You know, just to get some perspective.”

I frowned. “A few _days_? Why?”

Dad tried to salvage the situation. “Well, you know, you’re really sick, Rey. And Rose told us about what happened with Armie, and—”

 “ _WHAT?!”_ I shrieked.

 “Rey, please, I just don’t you to be anymore stressed out and Armie is a good kid but—”

It took all my willpower not to throw the phone. Furious, I dropped it on the bed like it was on fire and leapt out from my warm cocoon to find my own phone and tear Rose a new asshole. She was supposed to be my friend and she going around telling my parents about when I was having sex?!

 “Where did I leave it?” I hissed to myself, tearing through the living room. I’d kill her. I’d call her fucking parents and tell them about all the stupid shit she did on their dime in college.

Kylo was lurking behind me but I didn’t really care. All I remembered was that we’d talked to each other and it was fun and relaxing. Most of the finer details were lost to me.

 “Rey,” he said in a gentle voice, in the same voice they always used on us crazy people. “She’s just trying to help you. Why don’t you come eat breakfast?”

Tears pricked the corners of my eyes and I kept looking for my phone. “Don’t talk to me like that. I’m a goddamn adult.” I stuck my hands in the recliner and bit back sobs. “I deserve privacy and I deserve to make mistakes and I don’t need to be protected from myself.”

 “You do deserve those things, which is why I want to keep you out of an institution. Your parents want you to be able to have a few nights to digest the situation instead of being thrust back into it. I’d like to have you leave here with skills that will help you manage your anxiety and lead to a healthy relationship with your friend.”

 “I’m being held captive!” I sobbed, sinking down to the floor. “I’m trying so hard and… and…”

Kylo crouched down in front of me, murmuring and speaking softly but not touching me. Maybe it was rebound from the pill he gave me the night before, but I couldn’t stop crying. He moved an inch, hesitated, then sat on the floor and tugged me into his lap.

His chest was hard and unyielding but comforting nonetheless. I clutched at his shirt and cried into it and he made a quiet, pained sound. His jaw was set tight.

 “I want everything to go back to normal,” I choked out. “I want this bullshit to be over. I don’t want my parents to avoid me and my friends to be afraid of me.”

 “They’re afraid because they don’t understand—no one is afraid of you.” He shifted me between his long legs and a hand tentatively curled around my head. “I know this is hard for you, Rey, and things may permanently change, but change is a part of growth and a part of life.”

 “I hate change.”

 “Don’t we all.”

We sat there for a few more minutes, Kylo quiet and me sniffling pitifully to myself. The faint scent of breakfast food finally reached me and my stomach growled in response. I moved to lean away from Kylo and his hold on me tightened for a minute. My heart skipped a beat.

 “You’re making progress,” he murmured. His breath was on my scalp. “Trust me, and it will all be over soon.”

I nodded and a few more seconds passed before he released me. I leaned away from him and wiped my eyes as he got to his feet. He offered me his hand.

 “You’re sure it’s ok if I stay here?” I asked for the millionth time as he pulled me to my feet. “Aren’t you busy with psychiatrist stuff? Traveling and whatever else?”

Kylo sighed, exasperated, and turned to lead me into the kitchen. “Who made you feel that you were a constant imposition? A boyfriend? Jack or Helen?” He ran a hand through his black hair and muttered, “another problem I need to fix.”

I shrugged and awkwardly sat in a stool at the island. “Probably just another one of my deep-seated psychological issues. Do you charge extra for the continental breakfast?”

It smelled better and better each passing second. Kylo smirked at me and turned to scoop food on a plate with birds drawn on it. I already had a setting with a napkin and fork. I was in a hotel.

 “I should charge,” he said, “but you’ll make a good case study someday.”

Bacon and eggs and sausage and an English muffin with butter. Now my stomach was really snarling and I tried my best to eat like a human instead of a crazed animal. Kylo leaned on the counter and idly nibbled on a piece of bacon, scrolling through something on his phone. The food was pretty good but my dad was a better cook. I smiled to myself—Kylo had at least one flaw.

 “So it’s not malpractice for me to be here?” I asked, desperate to beat a dead horse. “I mean, animals don’t have the same strict requirements humans do, but…”

 “No.” He took a sip out of his steaming mug and raised an eyebrow. “Unless you truly believe I’m holding you captive.”

 “You _do_ have iron bars on your windows.”

He smiled. “This house is in the middle of nowhere. Easy target.”

I pointed to the basement beneath us and smiled back, trying to tease him. “Or you’re a serial killer and you stash all your victims here.”

 “You think I’m Hannibal Lecter?”

 “Hm… maybe.” I leaned back and sipped my orange juice, puckering my lips. “He was from Lithuania, right? You’re from Armenia. Those are totally similar.”

 “Yes, just like Spain and Italy.”

Before I could say anything else, the doorbell rang.

Kylo paused with his mug tilted toward his mouth and took a slow drink before setting it down on the counter. I turned in my chair to watch him walk through the living room to the front door, which I could still see from my spot. Should I hide or something?

 “Still in your pajamas, son?!”

There was boisterous laughter as Han stepped inside, just as tall and happy as the first time I’d met him. He clapped Kylo on the back and started eagerly talking to him about a construction job and I noticed Kylo try to position himself to obscure the kitchen. I took this as a hint that I needed to may like a tree and leave, so I hopped out of my chair onto the cool tile floor.

Han’s dark eyes flickered across the room over his son’s head to me. An odd emotion passed over his face, like misplaced fear and disappointment. I hesitated in my spot and waved when I decided I was caught. Oh well.

Kylo gestured to me but didn’t look away from his father. “Rey is staying here for a few days to get some space from her issues.” Then his eyes, suddenly cold, settled on me. “I apologize for the intrusion of your privacy, Rey.”

 “Oh, I don’t mind!” I said quickly, shaking my head.

But something was off. Han wasn’t as friendly as he had been when we met. He gave me a tight smile and turned back to talk to Kylo in a low, stern voice. They both went outside into the cool, dewy morning before I could say anything more.

I took a deep breath and went to clean up my breakfast. Kylo had a dishwasher so I rinsed everything as thoroughly as I could and loaded it up. I rummaged around and found some Tupperware to store the leftovers for later. The sound of their voices didn’t really increase while they talked but I could tell they were arguing out on the porch. I pressed my lips together. I told him I didn’t want to impose.

 “You can’t do this again, Kylo!” Han’s voice abruptly rose above his son’s and carried through the house. He huffed, angry, and I heard his shoes scuff on the porch. “Not again.”

Kylo said something in the lowest tone he could manage but I was nosy. I crept towards the door, sticking by the wall to keep from being seen through the windows.

 “…purely professional. She’s not here for that.”

 “You said that the last time,” Han insisted. “I’ve tried to help you, but I can’t stand by—”

 “And you won’t,” Kylo interrupted. “I’ve learned, thanks to you.”

I frowned, confused. Last time? Not again? What were they talking about?

Han let out another flustered sigh and muttered that he needed to leave. I scurried back to the kitchen as the front door opened and he peered inside, this time smiling brightly at me.

 “Good luck to you, Rey!” he called. “My wife, Leia, and I are happy to help if you need anything.” His smile faltered. “Keep Kylo in line for us.”

I called back a ‘thank you’ but he was gone fast. Kylo came back inside when the car was crunching back down the gravel driveway and he deadbolted the front door. I sat in my chair twiddling my thumbs as he stalked back in the kitchen with a cold, angry expression.

 “I can leave,” I offered.

It was like a switch flipped after talking to his father. Kylo ran a hand through his hair and shook his head rapidly, back turned to me. His movements were stiff.

 “No!” he snapped. He shot me an icy glare over his shoulder. “You’re staying here.”

Whatever Han had said really set his son off. I’d never seen Kylo genuinely angry. I was taken aback by the sight of it and the cloud of rage passed over him just as fast as it had come on. He rubbed his forehead and turned to face me, laughing. I hesitated before laughing, too. A joke, right?

 “I’m sorry, Rey,” he said. “Even my parents annoy me sometimes.”

I was happy to see another snippet of a fault in him. “It’s ok, I understand. Is it ok if I take a shower?”

 “Of course. Your bedroom has its own bathroom.” Again he turned away from me, looking out of the window over the sink. “I’ll be with you in a little while.”

I smiled at Kylo’s back and slipped out of my stool to go take a shower. He had flaws, too. That was nice to see.


	11. Idle lips are his mouthpiece.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT CONTINUES
> 
> also rey is mixed race
> 
> also had some blonde in her hair

It was almost unsettling being in such a quiet place. I sat on the edge of the bed in my room after my shower, hair bundled up over my head, staring out the window at the endless line of trees on the horizon. I still wasn’t used to being idle. Part of me missed running to class and staying up late studying and practicing on the animals. I didn’t feel as mentally sharp and I didn’t like it.

I rubbed my face in my hands and got up to finish drying off my hair. All of my stuff was still in Kylo’s car so I didn’t have anything clean to wear. It was weird staying in his house, but I was kind of afraid to say anything. The more I fought back and complained, the longer I’d be stuck home wasting time.

My phone was still nowhere to be found. I was itching to send Rose an angry text and I felt bad leaving Armie high and dry. Maybe it was for the best, but I was having a hard time trying to not be controlling. And when I tried to let loose I just made terrible mistakes. It seemed like I was meant to be type A and uptight, even if it was bad for my mental health.

A knock on the door startled me from my melancholy and I turned to see Kylo standing in the bedroom door. He was dressed in jeans and a v-neck; probably one of the few men who could pull the shirt off. He smiled and rolled my suitcase into the room without stepping inside.

 “Did you remember your Abilify?” he asked.

 “Oh!” I scurried across the room to unzip the front pocket and took out the bottle of pills. “Thanks for reminding me.”

He leaned on the doorframe. “What kind of psychiatrist would I be if I didn’t?”

 “Unemployed, probably?”

This drew another smirk out of him. Kylo smiled a lot but it always seemed… guarded. It was hard to explain. Maybe I was just being paranoid.

I swallowed the Abilify dry—that was getting easier by the day—and picked up my suitcase. “Have you seen my phone anywhere? I could’ve sworn I left it on the nightstand.” I flipped it on the bed and unzipped it, scowling. “I still need to text Rose.”

 “What help will that be, Rey?”

 “I’ll feel better if I call her a bitch.”

Kylo sighed behind me. “Resentment is the junk food of emotions. I don’t think I need to tell you that junk food is bad for your health.”

I took out jeans and a t-shirt and turned to give him an incredulous look.

 “I’m not here to become the next Mother Teresa. Maybe after I stop having psychotic breaks I’ll give up on being petty and start down the Eightfold Path.” I rummaged around for a clean bra and underwear, trying to shroud them from Kylo.

 “Fair enough.” His shoes clicked on the floor. “I’ll be right back.”

Still no idea where my phone was. I changed into my clothes at breakneck speed and went to the vanity in the bedroom to brush my hair and put on some eyeliner. It didn’t really matter but it made me feel better: cleaner, kind of? I fanned my damp brown hair over my shoulders and saw Kylo in the doorway again through the reflection in the mirror, hands in his pockets.

I frowned. “Do you always creep around doors like that?”

 “Don’t you want your privacy respected?”

 “You weren’t sassy like this in your office.” I leaned over to check my eyeliner, happy that I’d done so well in such bad lighting. “Are you sure you’re not a serial killer?”

 “Neither were you. I’m thinking we’ll make more progress in the next three days than we have in the past few weeks.”

Huh. I did feel different. Relaxed; not worried about going home and putting on a mask in front of mom and dad and Armie. Actually, I felt more myself than I had in a long time.

I capped my eyeliner and left it out on the vanity. “Okay, let’s get this therapy shit over with.”

Kylo raised his eyebrows and whistled, standing back to let me through the doorway. “And you call _me_ sassy?”

 “Okay, that wasn’t very polite of me. Let’s get this therapy _crap_ over with.”

He laughed and shook his head and my heart pattered. He wasn’t so bad. He seemed like me: he needed some time to get comfortable with people.

We went back downstairs to the living room. The TV was on, which surprised me, and his tablet was lying on his chair. I sat in the recliner across from his and drew my legs up underneath me. He took an orange bottle out of his pocket and I immediately recognized the pill he shook into his palm. It was that stuff from last night—BuSpar, or something?

 “This is a lower dose,” Kylo said, handing it to me. “Hopefully you’ll have a less dramatic reaction this time.”

I popped it in my mouth and spit it right back out, gagging. “Oh my god, it tastes so salty!”

 “Mhm.” He sat down in his chair and crossed his legs, glancing at me. “Do you need water?”

Gross, it tasted like I was swallowing a spoonful of salt. I got up and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water and the pill went down much more easily. Kylo was clicking away on his tablet when I came back to the living room and took my seat again.

My heart started beating faster and my ears started ringing. It didn’t feel like the episodes but it didn’t feel right. I became keenly aware of all of my muscles relaxing across my body and the room looked brighter. Smells were stronger—the scent of the bacon from breakfast hung heavy in the air. I clung to the arms of the recliner, eyes widening, but Kylo didn’t look at me.

I swallowed hard. “Uh… I feel weird.”

He still didn’t look. What was so interesting on his tablet?

 “That’s normal. You’re not used to it yet.” He took out the bottle of pills again and shook them, squinting at all the little pills. “Three grams, hm? You’ll be ready soon.”

It kind of felt like I was quickly getting drunk. My eyelids were heavy and I broke into a wide, stupid smile, head bobbing to stay upright. “Wow, this stuff is wild.” I fanned my hands in front of me, turning them back and forth to look at my palms. “Why are my fingers so little?”

 “That’s a good question, Rey. Why don’t we talk about your childhood?”

 “Okie dokie,” I slurred, slumping over in the chair. At least the world wasn’t twisting around.

 “Your mother is African American and your father is white. Did you suffer for that?”

My head lolled back. “My dad’s parents didn’t like it. Why do you want to—”

 “You feel isolated, yes?” Kylo lay the tablet in his lap and touched the tips of his fingers together in a steeple. He puckered his lips. “The only child of two immigrants who sacrificed their dreams of traveling the world just to provide for you. Do you feel guilty?”

 “How do you know—”

 “And your father misses his family terribly, but I suppose his love for you has been enough. Until you finally snapped under the pressure and he watched all of his love and dedication go up in flames.”

I stared at Kylo with wide, unseeing eyes, anxiety dampened by the medication. How did he know all of that? I never said anything about mom and dad. Was he reading my mind?

Kylo cocked his head and cast me a smug sideways look. “What? Surprised? I’m the child of an immigrant, too, Rey. I also disappointed my parents.”

It was like a knife being twisted in my stomach. Yeah, I felt guilty for letting my parents down, but they said they just wanted me to be happy. What if they were lying? What if they wanted me to stay in Kylo’s house so they could finally be free of me? I worked so hard… all the time… I had such heavy expectations weighing down on me…

Tears welled up in my eyes. “Do they hate me?”

 “Hate? No. They resent you, even if they try not to. People have flaws and emotions; love is never unconditional.” His black eyes shifted away from me for a second, then came right back. “Armitage doesn’t love you, either. He loves the idea of you—two children, a 2,000 square foot house, married professionals. You’re a safe option, and with the mental illness, you’re controllable.”

I was too wacked out on the meds to be offended by Kylo’s words. I wiped tears away as they ran down my face but they actually made me feel better. The room was swimming a little.

 “Why are you saying all this?” I managed, sniffling.

 “You won’t remember it. No consciously, anyway.” He smiled. “But it will leech into your subconscious and you will _feel_ it. It will guide you to make the decisions I want you to make.”

 “I’m not controllable!” I snapped. His thinly veiled threat didn’t bother me, but calling me ‘controllable’ did for some reason. “I’m independent and I always have been!”

Kylo didn’t miss a beat. “No, you’re not. You want to be coddled. You crave control because you feel like you have none.” His black eyes were like portals to some other frightening dimension. “I will give you that freedom, my little bird. I will consume you.”

My body slid out of the chair like the tears sliding down my cheeks. I became a puddle on the hardwood, a limp mirror reflecting Kylo’s cold, malevolent gaze. He didn’t move to help me up while I sobbed quietly to myself. I was not controllable. I was independent.

It was like freshman year all over again: drunk and crying on the floor while some guy watched me from afar. Usually I had Rose or Finn to protect me but they weren’t around.

Kylo’s voice was distant. “You’ve always been made of glass, Rey. You erected a shell of steel to protect yourself, but glass can’t survive a fall. I will cut through you and empty you of your weakness.”

 “I’m not weak,” I slurred.

 “You are.” He was standing up. “But that will change soon.”

I groggily watched him leave the living room and he was suddenly back with a glass of… wine? He just stood there and stared down on me, sipping the red wine like he was watching a movie or something. High as I was, it made me nervous.

 “I’m tired of working so hard,” I mumbled, hardly able to hold onto my changing emotions.

 “I know you are.” He finished the wine and set the glass down on an end table and stood over me. “How are you feeling?”

How _was_ I feeling? Drunk. Kind of. Things were happening but slipping away from me before they could become memories. I sat up on the floor, slowly, and rubbed my eyes.

 “No one loves me,” I said. I’d managed to get my crying under control but it started again with a pitiful sniffle. “I’m a burden to everyone.”

 “To them, you are. But not to me. Why don’t you take a rest? It seems the medication is still a bit too much for you.”

It was better than the night before but he was right. I nodded and he helped me to my feet, where I swayed and almost fell over. Kylo caught me in time and I leaned into his chest. He was so tall. I didn’t come close to his chin. I blinked torpidly and looked up at him. His hands were resting on my upper arms, tentative, light as a feather.

Dark eyes flickered down to my mouth and it didn’t go unnoticed by me. The medication emboldened me and I leaned up on my tiptoes, heart racing, head spinning…

Kylo clicked his tongue a few times in disapproval and smiled. “What are you doing?”

 “I’m just… standing up.”

 “Oh. Then don’t let me stop you.”

We stared at each other for a handful of tense seconds. Kylo stared at me impassively, eyes moving between my eyes and mouth, trying to read me. Every moment was swallowed up by the one happening before it and I didn’t think I’d even remember..

Kylo ground his jaw. “Time for a nap, Rey. You’re not thinking clearly.”

I wanted to scream—I am thinking clearly! I want to kiss you, dammit! But Kylo was a professional and a doctor and he wasn’t going to put that in jeopardy. He led me upstairs to my bedroom and helped me into bed, and not surprisingly, I passed out.


	12. An evil man sows strife

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTHING COULD GO WRONG AHAHAHA
> 
> oh yes i took some artistic liberties and rey is also a lil shapely  
> sorry  
> forgive me

Ringing woke me up—painfully.

It took me a few seconds to get my bearings as what sounded like a phone continued to ring a few feet away from me. I groaned and covered my ears, rolling over in bed and trying to bury myself in the thick comforter, but couldn’t escape the persistent phone. I reached out of my cocoon and groped blindly on the bedside table until my fingers scraped across the screen.

I drew it into my hiding spot and opened my dry lips to speak. “Hello?”

 “Jesus, Rey, why haven’t you called me back?!”

My temper flared at the sound of Rose’s voice. I scowled and considered hanging up. She ratted me out to my parents and got me put under house arrest! “What do _you_ want?”

 “I’m so sorry I told your parents,” she said, voice wavering. “But I was scared. You’re not acting like yourself. I don’t want anyone taking advantage of you. I trust Armie, but he doesn’t get the severity of everything and he thinks you two can just ride off into the sunset.”

 “I’m not a child!” I snapped. “I don’t need you or anyone else to protect me. And now I’m stuck here in my shrink’s house—” I peered out of my blankets and looked around the room to check for Kylo “—and everything is gonna be even harder now. So, thanks. I hope you have a nice life.”

She spoke again but I hung up on her, holding back tears. She betrayed me; big time, and I couldn’t just ignore it. I had a few other texts from Finn and Poe but Armie was oddly silent. I wiped my eyes and put the phone back on the nightstand. Kylo must’ve found it for me.

There were a lot of gaps in my memory from the night before. I felt ok; definitely better than the previous morning. I sat up in bed and rubbed my face and wondered why I kept forgetting stuff. Was it the psychosis again? Would my memories always be cloudy and confusing?

My bottle of Abilify was next to the alarm clock. I popped one and slipped out of bed to get clothes for the day and take a shower. The house was dead silent. Maybe Kylo went out.

Rose had texted me a long apology when I was done showering. I wanted to stay mad at her to prove a point, but my conversation with Kylo about anger and forgiveness came back to my head. I sat on the edge of the bed and took a deep breath. I could forgive her, since she was just trying to help. But I also had the right to be upset that she betrayed my trust.

 “Not worth it,” I muttered, tossing the phone away and standing up to wring my hair with the towel.

I got dressed and put on a little makeup before venturing downstairs. It was empty and quiet but Kylo’s car was still in the driveway. There were poppyseed muffins in the kitchen and I hesitantly took one when my stomach growled. They were my favorite. I wondered if Kylo knew that somehow, since he seemed to know everything about me.

The door opened just as I finished eating and I turned in my chair to see the man himself stepping out of running shoes. My chewing slowed and I stared a bit at him, covered in sweat, wearing athletic shorts and a shirt that showed off his defined arms twisted with veins. He tugged earbuds out as his dark eyes caught me half-drooling over him and I turned around to shove another muffin in my mouth.

He set an empty water bottle on the table and went to the fridge, grinning at me. “It’s past noon, Ms. Kenobi. I had to check on you and make sure you were still breathing.”

I glanced at him, reddened, and chose to examine my muffin instead. “Heavy sleeper, I guess.”

 “You were practically hibernating.” He took out a Brita jug of water with cucumbers floating around in it and stood across from me at the island to fill the water bottle back up. He took a long drink and I could feel his eyes as me the whole time. He filled it again. Jesus, was he a fish?

 “Thanks for finding my phone,” I said. “I talked to Rose.”

 “And?”

It was like admitting my mom was right. I hated it, but she was always on point. I rolled my eyes and picked my muffin into bite-sized chunks, wilting under Kylo’s expectant look.

 “I forgave her,” I muttered.

He took another small sip of water and nodded. “That’s good to hear. I’m sure she didn’t mean any harm.” He turned to fill the Brita up again and returned it to the fridge. “You need protein.”

 “I’m perfectly happy with my muffins, thanks.”

 “Antipsychotics are notorious for causing incredible weight gain.” Kylo clicked his tongue thoughtfully and took out a package of sausage. “It’s best to avoid carbs and keep yourself active. You work hard to stay in shape, yes?”

 “Yeah, because I got my mom’s ‘curves’,” I said, using air quotes on the last word. “Which is a nice way of saying that I’ll always be chubby.”

Kylo took a pan down from the ceiling hang and laughed. “Who cares? If you’re healthy and happy, that doesn’t matter.” He turned away from me again to turn on the stove and open the sausages. “Women aren’t all six feet tall and 100 pounds. Most men, myself included, prefer women with your body type.”

I almost choked on my muffin but managed to get it down with quiet choking sounds. Kylo sprayed the pan while I pounded my chest and stared at him in shock. He kept saying weird shit like that and acting like it never happened. I wasn’t going crazy again, was I? Was it all in my head?

 “I’ll be sure to tell your wife,” I coughed, trying to shift the conversation.

 “I’m not married, Rey.” Kylo turned a little to smile coyly at me. “I don’t have time for a wife and children. I’m flying to London tomorrow, actually.”

I’d almost forgotten that Kylo wasn’t just a local psychiatrist. He was pretty renowned around the world and spoke at conferences and wrote books and research papers. He’d happened to be in town when I was sick and knew a friend of my dad’s. I was getting world-class care for free.

 “What for?” I asked.

He shrugged. “One of my colleagues asked me to hold a lecture. I always take the opportunity to further education for the next generation of mental health professionals. Plus, I need a vacation.”

 “From me?” I asked in a sour tone.

 “Of course not.” Kylo flipped a few of the sausages that were now sizzling on the frying pan and smiled at me again. “Like I said before, you’re my favorite patient. And it seems you could use a vacation, too. Would you like to come with me?”

Thank god I was done eating because I definitely would’ve choked to death on that question. I stared at him like a deer in headlights and my head started spinning.

 “T-to like, England?” I squeaked.

 “Sure. My colleague, Edward, studies psychotic disorders and he’s interested in speaking with you. I need some input from other psychiatrists when you become my next case study.” He was smiling, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

I blinked stupidly. “Well, that’s really nice of you, but I don’t think mom and dad can really afford to ship me off overseas, and—”

 “Don’t insult me. I’ll pay for everything.”

 “I’m not insulting you. I don’t like taking charity from people.”

He rolled his eyes and scooped the sausages on a plate. “Charity would be buying you a house. Bringing you along to a conference for research purposes is not.”

Well… when he put it _that_ way… It’d be nice to go on a vacation. I didn’t work very often and mom and dad poured a lot of their money into sending me to vet school. But it made me feel guilty that I was going on vacation and they weren’t. I didn’t do anything to deserve it, beyond having a psychotic break.

 “I can’t,” I said. “I’d feel too guilty. Mom and dad wasted all that money sending me to Cornell, and it’s not fair for me to just up and go on them.”

 “I think they’ll appreciate some distance.” Kylo slid the plate in front of me and popped one of the sausages in his mouth, shrugging. “Edward’s wife runs a scholarship for college students with mental illness, and I have a feeling she can help your parents after he meets you.”

 “…Excuse me?”

His intimidating gaze stayed on me, unrelenting, and he leaned against the counter behind him. “People often help you when you help them. That would free up your parents’ finances quite a bit, I think.”

 “But… I already get scholarships—”

 “It can go to other expenses. Loans, maybe even a mortgage. Anything that impedes your ability to be in school and learn.” He raised his eyebrows. “It’s about $100,000, I believe. That could be helpful to your parents, don’t you think?”

I could barely breathe. Holy shit. $100 grand just to talk to some guy and go on vacation?! There was a catch. There had to be something else.

I rubbed my forehead and squeezed my eyes shut. “I don’t understand.”

 “I wouldn’t mislead you, Rey. Your parents are good people, like mine, and they’ve sacrificed quite a bit to give you a comfortable and happy life. Edward and Olivia like those kinds of people.”

 “I… I don’t know what to say…”

Kylo’s countenance brightened and he ate another sausage. “Excellent. We’ll leave tomorrow morning around seven, so I’ll bring you home to pack.”

He left the room and I slid out of my chair to follow him, ignoring the plate of sausage. He wasn’t stopping so I grabbed his warm, sweaty arm, no longer worried about the physical contact. Kylo stopped dead and turned to face me. His eyes flickered down to my fingers curled around his forearm.

 “Why are you doing all this?” I asked, truly at a loss. “What have I done to deserve any of it?”

He studied me, and my memory was jogged, but I couldn’t bring back whatever was in my brain.

 “Nothing,” he murmured.

Then he was gone, probably to take a shower, and I was left in the same state of confusion near the doorway. Nothing. Then why?


	13. A wise teacher makes learning a joy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it BEGINS oh wait it already did

 “This is just what you need, Rey! A nice long vacation!”

Mom was bustling around my room with a huge smile on her face, still in her scrubs, but more than happy to help me pack. Dad was still off at work and I wouldn’t be able to say goodbye to him. I smiled faintly back at her as I gathered my bras and panties. It would be good for me to get away from everything—school, Armie, and the small town that reminded me of what life used to be.

I sat back on the edge of the bed while mom took over getting my outfits together. Kylo said it would be about two weeks. His friend, Edward, wanted to observe me for a while. I still didn’t understand why. The college psychologist told me that what happened wasn’t super rare.

 “You’re sure it’s ok if I go?” I pressed.

 “Of course! You’ve never been to Europe before—won’t that be a fun trip?” Her smile faded a little. “Maybe you could visit your grandparents… I wasn’t expecting them to extend the olive branch to us with Cornell.”

 “I’m sure they’ll be happy that I’m a lab rat.”

Mom shot me a stern look as she folded my shirts. “You’re not some experiment, Rey. Doctors research interesting cases all the time!” She took a deep breath, eyes widening. “Besides, it seems like Dr. Ren’s friend is being very fair. We can finish paying off your loans, and—”

 “No,” I interrupted. “You and dad are taking that money. Pay off the house, go on a vacation. I’m an adult now and you don’t have to keep sacrificing your happiness for me.”

It got kind of quiet. Mom kept folding away, holding a tight smile on her face, then tears welled up in her eyes. She sniffled and wiped them away and I pulled her down next to me, struggling to hold back my own tears. I hugged her tightly and never wanted to let go.

She squeezed me back. “You are the greatest thing that ever happened to us, Rey. I don’t regret a second. Your dad and I will always love you and always be proud of you—no matter what.”

 “I know,” I said in a weak, exasperated voice. I buried my head in her neck and wiped tears away on the back of my hand. “Thank you, mom.”

 “Any time, baby.” She patted my back and laughed. “Let’s finish up, hm?”

We carried my big suitcase and carry-on downstairs where Kylo was waiting at the kitchen table. He rose to take them from my mom, even when she insisted he didn’t need to help, and rolled them outside for us. I hovered by the door with mom and watched him load them into the back of his Audi. He looked nice, as always. Jeans and a black dress shirt and black shoes. He’d packed pretty light.

Mom touched my arm. “This will be good for you. No hanging around at home feeling sad about Armie or worrying about going back to school.” She pulled me into a side hug and sighed. “He’s sad. He called your dad and I. But he knows this is for the best—for you, and for your future.”

I was kind of surprised to find that I didn’t feel bad about Armie. I had a weird suspicion that he didn’t really care. He had an ulterior motive and I didn’t have a clear enough head to understand it.

Kylo came back up to the house, hands in his pockets, and smiled. “I’ll keep you updated, Helen. We should be in London by tomorrow night.”

He moved to shake her hand but mom went for a hug instead. He noticeably stiffened and patted her back awkwardly, like he wasn’t used to being touched. I shouldered my purse and double-checked that my phone was in the side pocket.

 “Thank you, Kylo,” mom said as she released him. Her eyes were tearing up again. “Jack and I owe you more than we can express.”

 “I don’t mind at all.” His dark eyes roamed to me and I wilted a bit under his gaze.

We got in the car after my mom and I had another emotional goodbye. She stood at the end of the driveway still waving and wiping her eyes as Kylo and I turned the corner down the street.

I turned in my seat and clasped my hands over my purse. “This still doesn’t make sense to me, but… thanks.”

Kylo opened up the sunroof and raised an eyebrow at me. “Don’t worry, Rey; you’ll earn your keep. Regardless, the mutual friend your father and I have—Patrick—we all went to college together. I owe him for some… help he gave me.” He shrugged. “Besides, I’m getting older, and I can’t bring all this money to my grave with me. Might as well use it to help older friends and sick people.”

 “It’s not like you’re 70.” I squinted at him, tilting my head. “What are you, 35?”

 “Close.”

The flight wasn’t until the following morning, so we went back to his house for the night. I felt increasingly confused by his behavior. Why didn’t he just drop me off at home and pick me up the next morning? Why was he spending all this time and energy on me?

I followed him inside, suspicious, and his phone immediately started ringing when we got inside. He glanced at the screen and rolled his eyes but answered anyhow.

 “Hello, mother,” he said in a tight voice. “…Yes, I’m flying out tomorrow.” He looked at me and away, walking toward the kitchen. “Yes, Miss Kenobi is coming with me. You remember Edward Rory? Yes, he wanted to meet her. And Olivia, for the scholarship.” He paused and sighed. “ _Yes,_ mother. I know.”

It seemed like a conversation I wasn’t meant to be a part of. I politely excused myself to go upstairs and double-check that I had everything from the bedroom. I’d already texted Rose to let her know where I was going and she couldn’t believe it, either. It was exciting sure—but odd.

I sat on my bed and scrolled through Facebook, which I’d finally reactivated. The Abilify really was helping. I wasn’t feeling as paranoid and angry and wasn’t having psychotic episodes much anymore. Lots of people were messaging me and posting on my wall, and it made me feel better. I wasn’t a pariah.

There was a knock on the door and I glanced up to see Kylo standing there. Who else did I expect? He smiled and stepped into the room and I went back to Facebook.

 “Rose wanted to come,” I said, laughing. “Too bad she has to go back to Cornell and learn. Hah!”

Kylo sat on the edge of the bed beside me, offering me a glass of water. “Tell her she’s more than welcome when she has a psychotic episode. Are you hungry?”

Weird. I never said I was thirsty. I drank anyhow and shrugged. “Eh, I don’t know. I should probably eat, right?”

 “Yes. We have a long day tomorrow.”

 “How long is the flight to Europe, anyway?” My cheeks reddened. “I’ve never actually been out of the country before.”

 “About twelve hours. It’s a long haul, but we’ll be in first class. No need to worry.” He took the water from me when I was about finished and to my surprise, drank the rest. “Let’s eat.”

I made a face as we stood up. “Eww! You just drank my germs!”

 “I don’t mind your germs.” He dangled the cup in his fingertips and gestured to the door. “Shall we?”

My stomach flipped as I followed him downstairs. Another weird comment.

On the bottom stair, I started feeling woozy again. I clung to the banister and clutched my head as Kylo stopped a foot or two away. Not again… not again…

I groaned. “I think I need to sit down.”

 “Oh. Why don’t you lie on the couch? I’ll bring dinner in a little bit.”

If I was psychotic, I was sure I couldn’t be on a plane. I nodded, wincing, and lowered myself on the couch as Kylo left to the room to the kitchen. There was no way I was having another episode. I was taking my pills and trying to improve and I even felt better.

The room started to ripple and I pulled a blanket on the back of the couch over myself, moaning quietly. Maybe if I cocooned myself I wouldn’t feel as sick. I twisted the blanket around myself and shoved my face in a pillow, hoping I wasn’t going to go off the rails again.

But I didn’t start to unravel and see things and think people were trying to kill me. My limbs liquified—a sensation I knew I had felt before—and my mind stopped racing. My breaths came out long and slow and I struggled to keep my eyes open. It was like being drunk. I knew I’d felt it before, when I took the BuSpar Kylo offered me before. But there were gaps… big chunks I couldn’t remember…

It was me, though. The same thing had happened to me during the first episode and I suspected it was happening before then. The medication _had_ to be helping

The room was swimming. I could smell something strong and oaky from the kitchen and it made my stomach growl. I peered out of my cocoon and tried to get up, but ended up rolling off the couch onto the floor. My thoughts were slow and gooey like molasses. I managed to push myself up and swayed to my feet, leaning on the couch for support.

I wandered towards the kitchen, following the tasty smells, and saw Kylo standing in front of the stove. He had a towel over his shoulder and was cooking something in an open pan that was sending gray smoke curling to the vent. I was tempted to check it out, but decided to explore the house on my own instead. Why not? If we were going to Europe together, I needed to know more about him.

I staggered back and made my way to the stairs, bumping to everything possible on the way. My phone vibrated in my back pocket and I took it out of my way to the second floor, which just made me trip over every stair. Rose was texting me, asking how long I’d be gone and wishing me luck.

Thankfully it wasn’t a very big house so I couldn’t trip over much else. I wandered down the hall past my bedroom towards Kylo’s, struggling to send a coherent text back to Rose. All I wanted to do was take a nap but I was bound and determined to start trouble.

The bedroom door was open. I slipped inside, lights bursting in my eyes, and looked around for something to investigate. I didn’t know what was coming over me. I wanted to know more about Kylo and since he probably wouldn’t tell me, rifling through his stuff was the best alternative.

It was sparsely decorated. There were some generic pictures of birds and the ocean hanging on the tan walls and a big king bed with nightstands on either side. The door to his bathroom was across the room. I turned and noticed a sliding glass door that led to a balcony overlooking the vast forest outside. I teetered towards it, more interested in seeing the view than anything else.

It stuck, but I managed to get the door open. The floorboards creaked and rippled under me as I took a few hesitant steps towards the railing, cool breeze blowing through my hair. I sagged against it and looked up at the full moon overhead and the black sky littered with sparkling stars. Everything felt so peaceful and beautiful. If I jumped over the rail, maybe I would be at peace, too.

I grabbed the splintery wood and my bare feet grappled on the bottom of the rail. Panting, mind swirling, I shakily pulled myself up to the second rung and the top half of my body hung precariously over the edge, free of gravity and everything else tethering me to the Earth—

 “ _REY!”_

A deep, unsettling shout startled me and my stomach flew up in my throat as I nearly fell over the edge of the railing. The image of me splattered on the ground below, bloody and broken and dead, flickered in my mind’s eye and I squealed in terror, clambering for the rail.

Kylo’s body shoved up against mine and he wrapped his arms around me, dragging me back from the edge. I didn’t fight him or scream, just shrieked in terror as we fell backwards on the porch.

And before I could blink, I was pinned underneath him, his fingers threaded through mine, pinning them to the boards. He looked really pissed off and his black eyes blended in with the darkness around us. I squirmed a bit and his grasp tightened.

 “What the hell are you doing?!” he hissed.

 “I—I don’t know,” I stammered.

His jaw shifted back and forth angrily and he leaned closer, making me shrink back. It was cold and I couldn’t see anything other than his eyes.

 “That’s not good enough. Were you trying to kill yourself?”

 “No! I was just wandering around and wanted to see the woods, and—”

 “You want to see the woods?” Kylo tilted his head a bit and leaned back, still straddling my hips, to fish around in his breast pocket. There was no emotion on his face. “We can do that.”

It was hard to think straight but I felt a needle in my upper arm. I panted in fear, no longer trusting of what he was doing, and started crying softly to myself. He tucked the needle back in his pocket and though his face was now twisting and morphing, I could see him smiling.

 “Don’t cry, Rey,” he murmured. “We’re going for a walk. But I can’t have you trying to commit suicide every time I take my eyes off you.” His eyes widened along with his smile. “That means I should never let you out of my sight.”

He stood up and pulled me to my feet, where I swayed and almost fell over. My ears were ringing and everything felt darker. We didn’t go very far, just back unto his dark bedroom.

My head lolled around as he positioned me in a sitting position near the headboard of the bed. Cold metal bit around my wrists and when I sagged forward, I couldn’t move. I took deep, terrified breaths and watched through wavy vision as he did something near the television across the room.

I leaned against the headboard, eyes roaming blindly. “But… aren’t we going for a walk?”

 “Of sorts.” He glanced over his shoulder at me. “Perhaps after this you’ll rethink jumping off balconies.”

A movie started, flickering in the darkness, and I could hear screaming and see the woods I wanted. Kylo left without saying another word. My crying turned into shrieking; whatever medication I was on was making the people’s faces look like demons and soon I was hysterical with terror. I yanked on the restraints until warm blood ran down my hands and I screamed and screamed for help.

But soon I was too weak to keep fighting. I hung there, face caked with dries tears and mucus, blood drying on my palms, and the bedroom door slowly swung open.

Kylo was standing there with a plate of food, casually eating and leaning on the doorframe. He was watching the terrifying movie without a care in the world. I stared at him and thought for a minute that he had horns growing out of his head.

He looked at me and smiled, chewing his food. “Enjoying your walk, Rey?”

 “W-why are you d-doing this to m-me?”

He puckered his lips and furrowed his eyebrows. My stomach growled hungrily.

 “Because you have the audacity to try to escape from me.” Kylo heaved a sigh and stabbed a few green beans. “Because I know the cocktail to induce anterograde amnesia. Mostly, though—because I like it.” He glanced up at me and a monstrous smile spread across his face, ear to ear. “Are you hungry?”

It was like the other times, not that I could remember. I’d never remember. I sniffled and nodded and he shrugged off the doorframe to approach me, sitting beside me on the bed. He set the plate down on the nightstand and snapped his fingers in front of my face and opened my heavy eyelids.

 “I don’t want you to pass out and start vomiting,” he said. “If you aspirate, I’ll have to kill you.”

I squinted my eyes, struggling to concentrate on him and his words, but it was useless. Kylo smiled at me, still chewing, and turned to thread some chicken on the fork. I pulled it off with my teeth and chewed slowly while the movie continued playing in the background. He offered more until I had enough and shrank away from him, relegated to hanging off the headboard.

Kylo rose from the bed and started unbuttoning his shirt. It was getting harder to stay awake but I fought to keep my consciousness. I moaned and shifted and the metal bit my raw wounds.

Fingers were on the hem of my pants. I managed to open my eyes enough to see Kylo pulling them down and felt cold air between my legs. I whimpered as his arms hooked under my knees and he tugged me down so I wasn’t sitting up anymore. Black spots erupted across my vision and a sick feeling came over me. I knew what was happening but I couldn’t fight him…

 “Shh,” he whispered, and I could feel his warm breath between my legs.

 “Please don’t!”

 “You’ve never experienced this, have you?” He laughed to himself. “I’m not going to take you. But I am going to teach you new things, Rey.”

It was so hard to stay conscious. I had a fresh surge of energy when I felt his tongue but he held my thighs so I couldn’t move very far. I panted and felt a mixture of fear and humiliation and excitement. The movie was still playing and I was so overwhelmed…

  _“Relax.”_

It felt like an eternity went by and I was floating around my body before I was suddenly grounded back to it. I gasped and it wasn’t like usual—my whole body shivered and rippled and Kylo’s grasp slackened a bit to let me writhe underneath him.

He leaned back and licked his lips and his black eyes looked smug. My body kept shuddering and I had no idea what had happened, but I was so sleepy and relaxed.

Kylo’s voice sounded a million miles away. “...You’re just a neurotic, mousy whore.” My wrists were suddenly slack and stinging. “That’s enough for tonight. Rest. I promise that I’ll fuck you until that insufferable type A personality goes away.”

I fell asleep as something as a soft cloth gently stroked across my cheek.


	14. A gentle answer turns away wrath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is... less exciting. travel! and such!

 “…Rey.”

It was like I’d just broken the surface of a swimming pool after holding my breath for a full minute. My eyes flew open and I came to with a wild gasp, flying up in bed with a hand over my heart. It was dimly lit in the room and for a split second I completely forgot where I was. My expression must’ve betrayed my fear because Kylo sat beside me a second later.

I struggled to catch my breath and ran a hand through my hair, eyes wide. “W-where am I?” I looked around a slowly realized it wasn’t the bedroom I’d been staying in.

 “This is my bedroom, Rey.”

Revulsion lanced through my stomach and I almost vomited right there. I had no idea why. I covered my mouth and jerked forward and Kylo moved a bit closer to cautiously touch my arm. It was… bizarre. Confusing. I wanted to barf from… fear? But his warm gentle fingertips made my skin tingle excitedly. Was I just so nervous about the circumstances that my body couldn’t handle it?

I rubbed my face and noticed I was trembling. “And what the hell am I doing in here?” I lowered my hands and stared at his impassive dark eyes and my cheeks reddened. “Oh no. Did I wander in here last night? Oh Jesus. I can’t go back to school. I’ll get myself raped or killed.”

 “You’re catastrophizing. Yes, you wandered up here, and you were confused, so I let you sleep here. Not a big deal.” He smiled. “It’s not like you tried to kill yourself.”

 “But…” I went to push back the thick comforter and realize I wasn’t even in my own clothes. It was a blue dress shirt that actually fit me pretty well and sweatpants that likewise fit me. The blood drained out of my face and my ears started ringing. Oh _no._ “Oh my god. This is a disaster.”

Kylo rose from the bed and gestured towards a hamper. “You spilled food on yourself and I didn’t want to paw through your belongings, so I found something for you to wear.” His eyes settled on me, intimidating as hell. “You managed to change into them.”

 “Oh thank god. I mean, thank you for them, but…” I waved my hands and shook my head. “This is getting really unprofessional for you. I can’t keep stumbling around your house like a sorority girl. I’ll just go home and find a new psychiatrist before this gets blown out of proportion and—”

 “But you’re not a sorority girl,” he interrupted sternly. It was clearly meant to shut me up. “You’re sick, Rey. You’re my patient. You’re not staying here for fun.” He cocked his head and raised an eyebrow. “Have I made you uncomfortable?”

 _Yes._ “…No.”

 “So your concern is that others will think I’m keeping you here for… what? Sex?”

I pulled the comforter closer, cheeks getting hot. “Ok, never mind. I’m just trying to help you out.”

He turned a little to face me and slid his hands in his pockets. Our sweatpants matched but he was wearing a Harvard t-shirt. I never wore Cornell stuff around. His beard was already getting thicker and I wondered how often he had to shave it.

 “Are you projecting your subconscious feeling that your friend took advantage of you onto me?” Kylo asked, cold and clinical. “You’ve raised this concern with me more than once before—and it worries me. Men are not all out to use you, Rey. We exist outside of our sexual impulses.”

I waved my hands around frantically. “Ok, Jesus, never mind! We are _not_ talking about that, especially here.” I threw back the covers and climbed out of the bed, wavering on my feet. “I’m taking a shower.”

 “Sounds like a good idea. I’ll make you something to eat, then we need to leave for our flight.”

He seemed kind of put off by me worrying about people misconstruing things and left before I could say anything else. I wobbled out of his bedroom down the hall to my room, and got an outfit together for the long trip ahead. If I kept assuming he was a sexual predator, he probably wouldn’t want me around for much longer. I was kind of making myself look suspicious.

In the shower, I noticed a few oddities. There were red marks on my wrists like I’d slept on them the wrong way, but they were raw, like something had cut into my skin. I frowned and rubbed them, confused. The cuts looked kind of deep. Did I try to…?

I swallowed hard and washed my hair. Maybe I did. I kind of didn’t want to know.

The smell of bacon and eggs greeted me in the kitchen. Kylo wasn’t around but a plate was already set for me at the island. I hopped up in a chair and greedily dug in, hoping it would calm my stomach. The flight was gonna be really long and now I had made things weird with him. Maybe he’d change his mind and leave me back with my parents.

The Abilify pill was waiting next to my plate. I hesitated before taking it but did what I was supposed to. Kylo reentered the kitchen a few minutes later, fully dressed in black dress pants and a charcoal shirt. He was putting on a watch and nodded to the dishwasher.

 “The maid will clean things up,” he said. “Just leave it on the counter. Are you ready?”

 “Um… I think so. Just have to brush my teeth.”

I skittered back upstairs to do just that. My anxiety was starting to go through the roof the more I thought about the next two weeks. I scrubbed off my breakfast and put my toothbrush away in its travel container and headed back downstairs.

Kylo was waiting there, looking at his watch, and didn’t say anything. He opened the door and I stepped out into the cool morning, trying to be as optimistic as possible. The money would really help mom and dad and I could use the change of pace. I was only kind of avoiding my problems.

We took the Audi to the Portland International Airport, which actually only offered flights throughout the United States. We flew first to JFK in New York City and it was just as hellish and confusing as I imagined. I tried to keep calm in the huge crowds of people but I didn’t do a good job hiding it because I felt Kylo’s fingers slip through mine.

He smirked down at me, totally at ease. “You seem nervous.”

 “There’s so many people!” I exclaimed, tugging my carry-on along. “How does this happen?!”

 “Abstinence education.” He squinted and nodded towards a terminal up head. “Almost there, Miss Kenobi.”

We boarded the plane first, thanks to first class, and I collapsed in my seat that was twice the size of the one on the Delta plane from Portland. Kylo sat beside me and busied himself with his cell phone and I noticed more than one person shooting him weird looks. I frowned and leaned closer to him.

 “Some of these people are looking at you weird,” I said. “Are you on the no-fly list?”

He laughed and tucked his phone in his pocket. “You know how it is in America—if you have a certain _look_ —” he gestured vaguely at his face “—people assume that your only reason for being on a plane is to fly it into a building. I’m used to it.”

 “That’s not fair,” I muttered, glaring back at an old woman who was eyeing Kylo suspiciously.

 “Ah well. These prejudices are deeply ingrained in society. Your mother is familiar with them, I’m sure.” He shrugged and smiled at a stewardess who was openly staring at him. “Being biracial isn’t as bad.”

 “Mom said I was lucky to look the way I do.”

 “You are. Brown eyes, brown hair, light skin.”

A stewardess approached us to offer breakfast or a drink and I politely declined the alcohol but asked for a salad to tide me over. Kylo asked for a glass of white wine and peanuts. I peered out of the window at the people on the runway and hoped I’d sleep the entire trip across the pond.

I looked back at Kylo and he was leaning back, eyes closed, hands clasped in his lap. The other passengers were all finally seated and it was almost time to take off.

 “Day drinking?” I teased. “Wine and peanuts is a weird combination, don’t you think?”

 “Weird, but oddly satisfying.” His eye cracked open and he smiled at me. “And I’m assuming I didn’t feed you enough if you need salad already.”

 “I’m a grazer.” I stretched out my legs and settled into my seat, closing my eyes, too. “Thank you again. I mean, I don’t think I can ever possibly thank you enough, but… maybe I’ll get close.”

 “You can thank me by getting better. Now relax, Rey. We have a long trip ahead.”

It was long—really long. I watched a movie on the player in front of my seat and soon ended up curled into my chair, drifting in and out of sleep. Kylo didn’t show the slightest bit of exhaustion and worked on his laptop most of the trip. He woke me for lunch and then again for dinner and I kept sleeping through most of the flight. It was nice and quiet and dark and the turbulence wasn’t bad.

We landed around 7pm and I was so sleepy I could barely move. We left the plane first and Kylo insisted on shouldering most of the stuff while I shuffled along beside him. We picked up our things in baggage claim and a taxi was waiting for us outside the enormous London airport. I rubbed my eyes and yawned and looked around, trying to be excited.

Kylo gave the driver the address when we slid in the back seat. I kept on yawning, struggling to stifle it, and he smiled at me.

 “Little jet-lagged?” he asked.

 “Ugh, I feel awful.” I scowled at him and crossed my arms. “Why are you all sunshine and rainbows?”

 “I’m very used to it by now. But don’t worry, I’ll be sleeping it off tomorrow, too.”

It wasn’t as exotic as I thought it’d be in London. Besides the cars driving the opposite direction, people dressed and looked the same way they did in America. It was loud and the streets were kind of dirty but a lot of the buildings we passed looked really old and beautiful. I stared out my window until we stopped outside of a glittering high-rise that definitely wasn’t a few hundred years old.

We got out into the dark London night and this time I insisted on helping Kylo haul my shit around. He paid the cabbie and I was a bit surprised to see he had euros already. With all the traveling it probably made sense to keep more than one currency on hand.

The lobby inside was spotless and there was a fountain and granite everywhere. I was pretty impressed and didn’t really hide it as we passed a bellhop who Kylo politely turned away. There were towering plants and the list of available apartments to visit was pretty small, only listing numbers.

Kylo looked unimpressed. He stood idly next to me, watching the lights on the elevator change color with each floor we passed, and I marveled at how goddamn shiny everything was. Seriously, did someone polish it every five minutes? Who even had that job?

We reached the top floor and got off. There were two doors on opposite ends of the hallway and I wondered who Kylo’s neighbors were. He casually turned a key in the lock of the door that read “100” and pushed it open to let me inside first.

It was even less homey than the cabin. Everything looked like an interior designer found it—glass end tables, tall, oddly shaped vases with exotic flowers, and rounded, uncomfortable furniture. We were in a big room that seemed to include the main living space and a dining room, and a kitchen was far off behind a black granite countertop.

The floors under my feet were all dark shiny wood. The entire wall at the other end of the living room was all glass and I could see the lights and cars in London for miles. A light came on overhead, warm and inviting like the cabin had felt. I awkwardly held one arm with the other as Kylo locked the door.

 “This looks cheap,” I faltered.

 “Don’t be too impressed. The university where I sometimes speak pays for most of it.” He took my bag from me and wheeled our things to the side of the foyer so they were out of the way. “I have three bedrooms here—two are down the hall to the left and mine is down the right hallway. Take your pick.”

I thanked him quietly and took my suitcase, carry on, and purse, and wheeled down the left hallway. The walls had a few weird paintings and contorted metal decorations. I peeked inside both bedrooms and found that the one all the way on the end had a bathroom, so I set up shop in there.

The comfort was black and the sheets were gray. There were two white chairs and a round glass table with another vase and thick beige carpeting under my feet. The wall opposite the bed was all glass just like the living room and I hoped there was a way to get some privacy.

I dropped my things near the dresser and walked up to the window to look out at the sparkling lights. It was really pretty but I’d never liked living in a city. I’d adjust. It was only two weeks.

 “There’s a switch for the shades.”

It was only the two of us in the flat, but I turned quickly at the sound of Kylo’s voice. He was leaning on the doorframe with his hands in his pockets and I had a brief flash of deja-vu.

I laughed. “Good thing, I don’t want anyone watching me sleep.”

He smiled and shrugged off the wall to come stand beside me, gazing down at the city. “No one can see us up here. How are you feeling?”

 “Ok. Just tired.” I rubbed my left wrist.

 “Travel like this can be overwhelming.” His dark eyes flickered down to my hands and back up to my eyes, penetrating and cold like a shard of ice.

I looked away. “So when are we meeting this Ed guy?”

 “Wednesday afternoon, so about two days. I wanted to give you time to settle in.”

 “Thanks.”

My chest felt tight standing there in the dark next to him. I was afraid to look up at him; worried about what I might do rather than what he might do. I kept rubbing my wrist until it started stinging and flinched but didn’t know how else to calm myself down. What the hell was I supposed to do for two days with him? Could I just hide in the apartment and blame jet lag?

Fingertips tentatively touched my wrist. “Don’t do that. You’ll make it worse.”

I didn’t know why—I’d already told Kylo so much about myself that it was pointless to hesitate—but I was afraid to ask about my wrists. I tried to smile and let go and he gently took my wrist in his long fingers to examine it, putting the red marks on full display.

 “You managed to do this before I found you,” he murmured. “I’m not sure how, but where there’s a will, there’s a way.” He smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes, kind of like a doll.

 “Oh… bummer. I don’t remember it.”

 “That’s odd. Maybe you’re blocking it out.”

I tried to draw my hand back but his grip was gentle and firm. My spine prickled and I didn’t know why.

 “Isn’t that what people pay you $100 an hour for?” I asked.

Kylo turned my palm face-up to inspect my forearm. “Five hundred for the initial consult, and $350 an hour afterwards. I’m not cheap.” His eyes scanned my skin and I knew what he was looking for.

This time I forcefully tore my arm away and crossed both of them over my chest, glaring at him. “I’m not a pissed off teenager; I don’t cut up my arms.”

 “Lots of people do it, Rey.” His eyes flickered down. “Not always on the arms where it can be seen.”

 “Well I don’t do that!” I snapped.

 “Ok.” He put his hands in his pockets and nodded towards the door. “Why don’t we have dinner, hm?”

My appetite won out over my desire to be belligerent. I kept my arms crossed and followed him out of the bedroom and to the kitchen, unsettled and unsure why.


	15. Until a lion learns to write,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no aLcOhOl ReY  
> insert spongeboob pic  
> yo this is 30,000 words deep and they haven’t kissed

This time we ordered dinner and I was starting to feel greedy letting Kylo pay for everything. But he always waved me off when I tried to thank him or insist on paying him back, and after a while I figured it wasn’t worth annoying him over. We both had fish and chips (when in Rome, right?) and I called my mother after to let her know I was alive and well across the pond.

I did insist on cleaning up the dishes, which was the simple task of rinsing them off and putting them in the dishwasher. I rinsed out the sink because it felt rude to leave it littered with food remnants and was proud of myself for managing to eat most of it. The food was good but I usually had a hard time keeping it down when I was nervous. Probably why I lost so much weight in college.

 “So you’ve been experiencing some amnesia?”

I glanced at Kylo quick, still trying to finish cleaning. “Uh, yeah, I guess. It seems like I’m losing some chunks of time but I can’t really tell.”

 “Hmm.” His watch clinked on the granite countertop. “But the worst episode was last night, correct? When you didn’t take the BuSpar?”

 “Actually, yeah.” I turned to look at him this time, frowning and drying my hands off with a towel. “I didn’t notice that. Shows how slow I’m getting.”

 “A side effect of the pills and the illness.” Kylo scratched his thickening beard. He was starting to look like a mountain man. “The BuSpar seems to be helping—but what do you think of it?”

I draped the towel over the handle of the oven and shrugged. “I think so. I felt better the next day after—”

_GET OFF ME._

Fear rippled through me and I gasped, collapsing back against the counter in shock. I could feel something—a wisp of a memory clawing at my brain, trying to surface. My heart started hammering in my chest and I broke out in a cold sweat and Kylo stood up so fast that his chair toppled over. I managed to sink down to the floor before my trembling legs gave out. Things flashed in my head like pictures.

_It’s cold and all I can see are two black eyes burning angrily through me. Blood is running down my wrists. I know this movie… I watched it with Rose during freshman year. But everything looks wrong. Evil. He’s talking to me from a chair and I’m trying not to cry—_

I groped blindly, struggling to ground myself and process what was happening, and found Kylo’s forearm. He sat down in front of me and grasped my arm in return, squeezing gently, and I grabbed his other arm for good measure. I was terrified and I didn’t know how to stop it.

_He’s holding my legs down. It looks like Armie but his eyes are black. I cannot escape. I cannot escape. I cannot escape. I cannot escape. I cannot escape. He will consume me._

 “Deep breaths, Rey.”

At that moment I realized I wasn’t breathing. I gulped for air like a fish and ringing in my ears seemed to signal the end of the episode. I was shaking, sweating, and felt like I’d just been punched in the stomach. My lower lip shivered and I started crying before I realized it.

 “You’re okay,” Kylo murmured. “Just breathe.”

I leaned over and his hands held me upright as I took deep, steadying breaths. It wasn’t like the other episodes. It was like my brain was trying to tell me something. But none of it was real. It had to be contorted and warped by whatever the fuck was wrong with me. God, I just wanted it to all be over.

A few minutes passed and I managed to get control of myself. Kylo started to stand up but I held tight and kept leaning over, afraid that even moving would make something horrible happen again.

 “I can’t,” I moaned. “I can’t.”

 “You can, and you will.”

Kylo dragged me to my feet, obviously much stronger than I was, and I sagged against him. He had to wrap his arms around my waist to keep me from falling over and laughed. He smelled good.

 “Are you forcing me to carry you?” he asked.

I sniffled pitifully into his chest. “Yes, if you won’t let me mope on the floor.”

 “There are more comfortable places to mope than the kitchen floor. Beds, couches.” He tried to readjust his hands and cleared his throat. “Preferably not on me.”

Oh. Right. I’d just been bitching about boundaries to him and how I was worried about causing professional issues. I stood back, blushing, and wiped my eyes and Kylo rubbed the back of his neck. Yeah, this would be a weird two weeks if I kept having mini mental breakdowns.

I felt a little trapped. I couldn’t really leave because I was in a foreign country with no clue of where to scurry off to, and I obviously couldn’t treat Kylo like a friend. Maybe the trip was a bad idea. I should’ve listened to my cynical inner voice since she was usually spot on.

 “Sorry,” I muttered. “I’m sure I’m not the craziest patient you’ve ever had.”

 “You’re not crazy. People seek comfort when they’re scared and confused.” He leaned on the island behind him, grasping the edge until his knuckles turned white, but he was smiling. “I’ve been attacked and more patients than I’d like to admit have managed to kiss me. But that was mostly in clinicals during college when I hadn’t learned to see the signs yet.”

 “That’s… kind of gross.” I laughed a bit and the anxiety started fading away. “I love kisses from my patients, even if they’re slobbery.”

Kylo was about to respond but the doorbell pealed and interrupted him. The change in his expression was pretty dramatic. His eyes narrowed suspiciously and his mouth twisted in annoyance. I took the opportunity to splash my face with some water to help the redness from my crying jag when he walked across the flat to answer the visitor. He looked through the peephole and opened it up to let the person inside but only plastered a smile on his face at the last second.

A guy who was almost as tall as Kylo stepped inside, smiling brightly and immediately shaking his hand. He was bald, young, attractive, and had a megawatt smile that could’ve blinded me across the room. His skin was a bit darker than mom’s. He was dressed to the nines like Kylo always was, in a dress shirt and slacks. He clapped Kylo on the shoulder and I saw a gold wedding band.

 “Olivia told me you two came in and I wanted to stop by!” the man said in a thick English accent. He looked in my direction and somehow his smile got wider. “You must be Rey! I’m Edward!”

Kylo started shaking his head and leaned closer to Edward. They talked to each other quietly and I stood there with my arms crossed, wishing I could disappear. I was tired and spent from the trip and yet another episode. I wanted to sleep, not talk to some person I didn’t know.

Edward nodded and rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m sorry to intrude, Rey; you could probably use some rest. We’ll have a formal meeting Wednesday!” He clapped Kylo on the back and my psychiatrist didn’t look super pleased. “But my friend here can suffer my company for a while. Do you still have that vintage scotch? This new baby at home is quite literally driving me to drink.”

 “I have a _patient_ here,” Kylo said, gesturing towards me. “Do you drink in front of yours?”

 “In between appointments, depending on the day!” Ed laughed at his own joke and clapped Kylo on the back yet again. “But I also don’t bring mine to Europe, Ren.”

I watched, mesmerized, as Ed casually hung up his coat in the closet and walked across the flat to the kitchen like he owned the place. Kylo intimidated the hell out of me but seemed to have no effect on Edward. Kylo looked deeply annoyed as he followed his friend across the room and glared at him as he opened up a cabinet and took out a bottle of some dark alcohol.

 “Rey is exhausted, Ed,” Kylo said with an edge in his voice. “This is not the time or place.”

 “I’m ok,” I said meekly. “Have at it.”

Ed found a tumbler, again like he owned the place, and grinned at Kylo while he poured. “See? This is why Olivia and I are donating the scholarship to Rey. She’s not a square—like you.” He screwed the top back on and frowned, gesturing between Kylo and I. “How did you two meet again? Patrick?”

 “Her father is Jack Kenobi.” Kylo put his hands in his pockets, still clearly pissed off. “Pat is a mutual friend. We met in college.”

 “Oh right, because you went early. Sixteen, right?” Ed leaned on the counter and took a sip of his drink, looking at me. “See? He is a square—going to college early.”

 “I met Ed in grad school,” Kylo said to me. “Sometimes I wish I hadn’t.”

Ed laughed loud like Han did and turned to get another glass. “You need a drink, Kylo. You always need a drink. Or a wife, maybe? I think all this sarcasm is sexual frustration.”

I tried in vain to stifle a giggle and covered my mouth. Ok, maybe I could hang around Ed for a while.

Kylo sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Always a pleasure, Ed.”

They were kind of like an old married couple. Ed practically shoved a tumbler into Kylo’s hands and returned the scotch to the cabinet. I felt like the 20-year-old kid at a family event until Ed found a wine glass and started snooping in Kylo’s wine rack.

 “You look like a wine woman, Rey,” Ed said, puckering his lips. He pulled out a red and held it at arm’s length to read the label. “I’m not a wine man, so how about a red?”

 “Absolutely not!” Kylo snapped, slamming his glass down on the counter. “She’s taking Abilify and…” He hesitated, like he caught himself from saying something wrong. “…No alcohol!”

Ed rolled his eyes and fished around in a drawer for a corkscrew. “If alcohol was that fatal with antipsychotics, almost every schizophrenic patient I see would be dead. One glass isn’t going to change the tilt of the Earth.”

The fury on Kylo’s face could’ve killed someone. His jaw shifted, tight and angry, when Ed handed me a glass of wine that was about a third of the way full. I held it, frozen in place between his goofy grin and Kylo’s murderous glare. A few silent moments passed before I took a tiny cautious sip.

It was as good as I remembered. I hadn’t drank alcohol in forever, both because of school and the illness, and it actually made me feel empowered. I was a normal adult. Basically.

Ed looked expectantly at Kylo and threw up his hands in celebration when he sipped his scotch.

 “And the Earth still spins!” Ed crowed.

We sat in the living room, Ed in one of the weirdly shaped white chairs and me on the white couch. Kylo sat beside me and put an arm over the back of the couch and the back of my neck prickled. Why couldn’t I be as comfortable around him as everyone else was?

 “I’m sure you’ll support me financially when I lose my license,” Kylo said to Ed, sipping his drink again.

 “Rey isn’t really a patient.” Ed shrugged and set his tumbler down on the coffee table. “I give my friends advice—does that make me their doctor? If the insurance company isn’t involved, what does it matter?”

Kylo rolled his eyes. “Semantics. Do you also give your friends free prescriptions for medications?”

 “I don’t mind,” I interjected. I glanced at Kylo and looked to Ed for support.

Ed smiled at me and then Kylo, smug. “She doesn’t mind. I think that’s nice of her.”

 “Rey is polite—unlike some people.” Kylo nursed his drink again and rested it on his thigh. His fingers were really close to the back of my neck. “Anyway, how’s your growing brood?”

They chatted for a while about family and stuff like that and I finished my wine before I knew it. I was having a hard time staying awake so I excused myself and left to shower and go to bed. Ed was the polar opposite of Kylo, which was a bit of a relief. It’d be easier to talk to him.

It was quieter when I got out of the shower with my hair twisted up in a towel. I sat on my bed and texted Rose and Finn to let them know I’d landed in London and everything was going ok so far. The wine had made me even sleepier than before and I was beyond ready to go to sleep. I yawned and peeled back the sheets as there was a knock on the door.

Kylo stepped inside, just past the doorway, and had the empty tumbler hanging from his fingertips. “Ed is trying to drag me out.” His eyes swept over me, inscrutable. “But I can stay if you don’t want to be alone.”

I waved him off. “I’m fine; go ahead! You don’t have to be a prisoner in your own home because of me. I’m gonna watch TV and shoot the shit with Rose.”

 “Are you sure?”

 “Of course. I’ll just call if something happens.” I smiled at him as I slid into bed. “Really, it’s ok. I feel a lot better now.”

He pressed his lips together in a tight line. “I’ll be back in a few hours. Don’t let anyone in and don’t go anywhere.” He glanced at his watch, not looking super happy. “I left the BuSpar on the kitchen counter if you have another episode and need it. Take it, then call me. I won’t be far.”

I gave him a sarcastic thumbs up. “Okay, mom; thanks for trusting me all by myself.”

Kylo smiled and left without another word. I settled in to my comfy bed and turned on the TV to scroll through whatever it was British people watched. Soon I found something like Food Network and I watched through heavy eyes as chefs screamed at each other and cooked tasty food. Finn and Rose texted me back for a while until I drifted off to sleep.


	16. Every story will glorify the hunter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> he knows the obvious gasp

I’d forgotten to turn down the blinds so I was awakened by the glitter on sunlight on raindrops the next morning. It was coming down pretty hard and I was tempted to snuggle deeper into the thick comforter. Rainy days were the best ones for sleeping in, and I was on vacation. I yawned and my eyes fluttered shut. A little more sleep wouldn’t hurt anything.

My phone rang. I scowled into my pillow but threw back the sheets and groped on the bedside table for it, answering without checking the caller ID.

 “This is Rey,” I mumbled.

 “You’re still sleeping?”

I sat up in a flash and ran a hand through my hair at the sound of Kylo’s voice. Wait—no, he was talking to me on the phone; what the fuck was I doing trying to make myself look pretty? I wiped my fingers across my eyes anyhow to get rid of the stuff in the corners of my eyes.

 “I’m on vacation,” I said defensively. I glanced at the alarm clock: it was noon! “Er… okay, this is kinda late. Where are you, anyway?”

Kylo laughed. “Getting you food. I actually haven’t been home yet. Ed keeps me out as long as he possibly can, and I met a—” He stopped short. “…Anyway, I’ll be back soon.”

So he probably met a woman at the bar and went home with her. At least he didn’t bring her back to the flat so I could listen to them all night. My mouth went dry and I had to clear my throat. I wasn’t jealous. Like I always said, he could do whatever he wanted.

 “Yeah, see you soon,” I said, and hung up without another word.

I tossed the phone, crossed my arms petulantly over my chest, and ground my jaw. Ok, I was jealous.

My conversation with Rose and Finn continued and the latter said Armie was chomping at the bit wanting to talk to me. I knew it probably wasn’t a good idea but I tried to tell myself that he deserved at least a hello. I laid down on the white couch in the living room on my back and shot him a text. I’d just say hi. We could talk about some stuff at least.

His response was almost instantaneous and with a friendly smiley. He asked how Europe was so far and I looked out the rain-battered window at the gray skies and crumbling buildings.

 “Kind of depressing,” I muttered as I typed. “Are you back to school?”

  _A few more weeks for me_ , Armie sent back. Then, _How’s therapy going?_

I hesitated before responding. _It’s ok. He’s a nice guy._

There was a long pause before Armie responded. _Those are the ones you gotta watch out for._

A key crunched in the front door at that moment and I jumped up like I was doing something wrong. It opened up and Kylo stepped inside in the same clothes from last night but with messier hair. He smiled at me as he shut the door and locked it behind him. He had a plastic bag in his hand and was soaked from the rain. I smiled back, struggling to conceal how irritated I was.

He set the bag down on the counter and glanced at the pill I hadn’t taken. “You were ok last night?”

 “Yup.” I wasn’t shy and pawed through the bag of food. Chinese; yum.

 “Oh. That’s good.” He slipped off his coat and hung it up in the closet and took off his shoes. “I’m glad you slept in for a while. Should help with the jet lag.”

 “Yup. Which one’s mine?”

 “Whatever you want. I already ate.”

Jealousy panged through me again as I sat at the counter with a container of sesame chicken. Was he deliberately trying to annoy me, or was I just being overly sensitive? I popped a piece of chicken in my mouth without looking at him and wondered why I ever gave up take out.

 “Thanks,” I said after I swallowed. “I was gonna go for a walk but…” I gestured at the pouring rain outside. “Guess that’s not happening.”

 “It does rain here quite a bit, but there are plenty of museums to visit.”

My phone vibrated next to me and I realized I forgot to text Armie back. He apologized for his comment and I told him it was fine and that he was probably right. Not that I didn’t trust Kylo, but men who insisted on how ‘nice’ they were usually had something to hide.

Kylo left to take a shower and I had a few more bites before putting the rest of the food in the fridge. I did have to watch what I ate or I’d balloon up in the blink of an eye. After a few minutes I went back to my bedroom to flop down in bed and watch TV. I didn’t want to go anywhere in a downpour. Maybe if I let up I’d go see a museum.

The doorbell rang after a long time passed. I perked up at the sound and could still hear the shower running so I figured it was up to me to answer it. I threw on jeans and a t-shirt to look kind of presentable and hurried to the door to check who it was.

There was a tall woman in a pantsuit outside and she had black hair and dark green eyes. She was texting on her phone, a Prada bag hanging off her arm, and she looked annoyed. My stomach flipped. Was it the woman Kylo spent last night with? I didn’t know if I should let her in.

 “Who is it?”

I shrieked in surprise when Kylo spoke from about a foot behind me. He was dressed now but in sweatpants and another Harvard t-shirt. He grinned when I scowled up at him and peered through the peephole. He smelled good, like always, this time like aftershave.

He opened the door and the woman stepped inside, heels clicking on the wood floors. I picked up on the resemblance between her and Kylo and realized quickly that she was probably one of his siblings. She had sharp features and pale skin like he did but her eyes were greener. She smiled tightly at her brother and looked down at me, and I suddenly felt very small.

 “Who’s this?” she asked in a cold tone.

 “Breha, this is Rey. She’s here to meet with Ed and Olivia.” Kylo gestured to his sister. “Rey, this is my older sister, Breha. She’s a travel writer for CNN.”

 “Pleasure,” she said, shaking my hand. The bracelets on her wrist jingled. She looked back at her brother, who she was almost as tall as. “Like everyone else, Olivia told me you just came in last night. Expect more visitors. I think Jaina is in the area, too—and Jacen will be here next week for some real estate symposium.”

 “What’s Jaina doing in Europe?” Kylo asked.

Breha rolled her eyes and shrugged. “Who knows? Some photography bullshit. She’s always all over the place. Anyway, I just wanted to stop by and see you, since it’s been so long. Lunch?”

 “I just ate.” Kylo glanced at me. “And I don’t want to leave Rey alone.”

 “We’ll all get together next week, then.” Breha was texting on her phone again. “What’s it been; five years since we were all last together? Mom and dad will want pictures.”

She left without saying much else, vaguely waving on her way out the door. Kylo smiled as he shut the door and I was left turning things over in my head.  She was just like him. Were the other two?

 “She’s intense,” I said.

 “Always was. Jaina and Jacen are more like our father but they look like our mother. I’m surprised they’re all traveling this time of year, but it’ll be nice to see them. Jaina in particular is hard to find.” Kylo puckered his lips and put his hands in his pockets. “Did you eat?”

 “A little. I’m not really hungry. I’ll have more later.”

 “Oh.” His eyes flickered down my body once. “You haven’t been eating much lately.”

I shrugged, now just wanting to go hide in my room. “Well you said the Abilify can make me fat and I already have a propensity towards that, and I’m not eating very healthy, so I cut back. Not everyone has your metabolism.”

Kylo cocked his head. “You seem angry.”

 “I’m not.” I stepped back from him, clenching my jaw. “I’m still tired. I think I’ll just sleep today.”

 “Are you angry that I didn’t come back last night?”

My temper simmered and I crossed my arms over my chest. “No.”

 “Are you sure? I left you alone in a strange place. I would be upset.” He leaned on the front door and locked it so the lock slowly clicked into place. “You’re allowed to be upset.”

 “I’m not upset. You can do whatever you want. It was generous of you to bring me here and take so much time out of your busy schedule to help me.” I was trying to sound genuine but the sarcasm and annoyance still dripped into my words. So what? I was 25 years old and being kept inside like a prisoner. I _was_ allowed to be irritated by it but I wouldn’t admit that to him.

Kylo raised his eyebrows and smiled and it looked condescending. “Are you jealous?”

I ground my teeth together and squeezed my arms. It was getting harder to hide how I was feeling.

 “No!” I snapped. 

 “We have a very open emotional relationship, Rey. Your feelings are normal.”

 “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I turned to walk away, now being overwhelmed by guilt and embarrassment. Was he trying to torture me? He knew I couldn’t go anywhere to decompress.

 “I know how you feel.”

I stopped dead. The blood drained from my face and I wanted to sink into the floor. I had to get away from him—I had no privacy, physically or emotionally. He knew what I was thinking. He knew I was harboring a crush on him, even if he wouldn’t come out and say it.

Kylo shrugged off the door and soon I could feel his body heat close behind me. My heart hammered when I felt his hands on my shoulders and he squeezed. I thought I was going to pass out. I was terrified to turn around and look at him.

 “It’s okay,” he murmured. “It’s normal. Do you want to talk about it?”

I swallowed hard. “No. Because you’re wrong.”

He laughed and let me go. I kept standing there like an idiot, trembling.

 “I’ve been wrong before, I guess,” he said.

I sensed him walk to the counter again and glanced up to find him approaching me with pills. He stopped in front of me and offered them in his open palm and I gladly took both. The BuSpar really helped me calm down and I needed it right then. I was lightheaded, clammy… He knew how I felt about him and it was mortifying.

I took the pills with some water and shuddered. “I feel sick. I’m gonna lie down.”

 “Sure. I’m going for a jog. I’ll be back in a bit.”

What was the point of showering then? I nodded but didn’t look him in the eye as I brushed past to go back to my bedroom and hide. I couldn’t wait to go back home.


	17. Wickedness loves company--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it beGINS  
> again  
> i have nothing to say but i do like to say IT BEGINS

The medication kicked in a while later.

I sat on my bedroom floor, gazing in awe at the drops of rain battering the massive windows. It was so beautiful—why did I find rain depressing, anyway? I held up my hands and twisted them around, admiring how long and pretty my fingers were. The red marks on my wrists looked better, too.

Like always, the memories weren’t sticking. I frowned at the thought, disappointed that I couldn’t hold onto how good I felt. There was a way I could remember. I’d write it all down.

I stood up, light as a feather, and drifted out to the kitchen to get my phone. Armie had texted me back again and I was suddenly in the mood to chat with him. I drifted to the living room and laid down on the couch, idly asking him what his favorite color was and when he would visit me again.

Everything was bright and colorful and beautiful. It wasn’t scary like the last time I took the pills. I opened up my Notes app and started typing out everything I was seeing and feeling. My brown hair looked like spun sunshine, my brown eyes looked like… hewn ice. I was so eloquent; so relaxed. If only I could feel it all the time.

My phone rang. I didn’t check the ID again and just answered.

 “Rey?” Oh, it was Armie. “Are you feeling alright?”

 “Armie!” I laughed. “It’s so nice to hear your voice. I’m doing great.”

 “Why are you texting me weird stuff? Are you drunk?”

I sighed and leaned off the edge of the couch. “No, I just took my medicine. It always helps me relax. Where are you? Still home?”

 “What medicine is that? Abilify doesn’t do that.”

He sounded stressed out and I didn’t like it. I heaved a louder sigh to express how unhappy I was with him and shrugged to no one in particular.

 “I dunno.” I squinted at the rain. It sounded like music. “BuSpar, I think?”

 “BuSpar doesn’t do that, either. What does the pill look like?”

My temper flared. “Don’t try to be my doctor, Armie. I already have one.”

 “I’m worried about you, Rey. What are you doing in Europe with him? Why is he so interested in you? No offense, but you’re not a really unique case.”

The switch flipped and everything turned black. The colors faded. My light, casual joy twisted into confusion and reactionary fear.

 “I’m sorry that I’m too average for you!” I snapped. “Go fuck yourself, Armitage!”

He tried to backpedal but I hung up and threw the phone across the flat. I ground my jaw, pissed off, and hopped off the couch to get wine from the kitchen. I was unique. That’s why Kylo brought me. That’s why I would go home with a scholarship to help my family.

A few sips of the wine had me back to feeling like a feather. I drifted around the flat with the red, and once again wound up wandering into Kylo’s bedroom. It looked a lot like mine. I opened drawers and pawed through his stuff and found some loose bottles of medicine with and without labels. I took out my phone to record a few of them—like flunitrazepam, sodium oxybate, aripiprazole, and a few others. I’d Google them later.

The front door opened. I was sitting on the floor, surrounded by the bottles and some of Kylo’s other things, and I heard him call my name. My pulse quickened.

He came down the hall, drenched in water and wearing a sleeveless shirt and shorts. He didn’t really react to me but his gaze lingered on the pills I’d found. They didn’t bother me because I didn’t understand the implications. He was a psychiatrist, right? They carried pills around.

Kylo laughed and walked past me to the closet. “You _are_ amusing, Rey. None of those mix very well with alcohol—or the Xyrem.”

 “Armie called me,” I said softly. My lower lip quivered. “He said he doesn’t know why you brought me here and that I’m not unique.”

 “That wasn’t very nice of him.” A drawer opened and slammed shut. “Shrewd little prick, though, isn’t he? Of course, it’s all because he’s pissed off that he can’t fuck you and he knows I won’t hesitate.”

I turned to see him pull his shirt over his head. _Hot_. He had abs all down his stomach and some hair but not a lot. His arms were coiled with muscle and veins and my mouth actually watered. His skin almost looked like... fuckin'... ivory. He wasn’t married? How wasn’t he married?

Kylo noticed me looking at him and smirked. “Something wrong?”

 “…You’re pretty.”

 “I know, and so are you. That’s why I’ll be keeping you for myself.” He walked over to me and squatted down in front of me, tilting his head. I was hypnotized by his dark eyes. “I found you grating at first—typical tightly-wound PhD student. But, through picking around in your head, I’ve found things that make you too valuable to be wasted.”

 “I don’t get it.”

 “I know.” He stood up and offered me his hand. “Come with me.”

I stared at his long fingers for a minute before taking them and letting him pull me to my feet. Kylo smiled and led me along to the bathroom in his bedroom, where he let me sit back down on the floor. I watched blankly as he started the faucet in the tub and checked the temperature.

 “Your bathroom is bigger than mine.” I crossed my arms and pouted.

Kylo looked at me over his shoulder and laughed again. “How rude of me.” He walked back to me and I stared up at him, mouth slightly agape. “Let me make it up to you.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Hmm. Sounds suspicious.”

 “Not at all.” He knelt in front of me and smiled. “But I need to take off your clothes.”

 “Um… ok.”

My shirt came off and so did my bra. Kylo told me to stand up to take off my pants and he tugged them down with my underwear, leaving me completely naked. I saw my reflection in the mirror, Kylo still kneeling in front of me, and my eyes and mouth popped open in shock when I felt his tongue draw a wet line up my slit.

He held me by the back of my thighs and I had to tangle my fingers in his hair to stay on my feet when he suddenly pulled me closer. Kylo groaned and I caught my slightly frantic facial expression. Still, I was smiling—which even surprised _me_. His soft lips brushed my sensitive skin and his tongue slipped deeper through my folds, tasting me. Fuck.

After a few minutes of me panting helplessly he pulled back and looked up at me, black eyes hazy. “Now you’re dirty. You need a bath.”

My mind was racing. Kylo stood up, towering over me, and he was suddenly naked, too. My cheeks burned and even in the state I was in, I couldn’t look down. He turned me gently and touched the small of my back to lead me to the now full bathtub.

He reached down and turned it off before lifting me inside. It was a good thing, because I probably would’ve slipped and cracked my skull if I tried. Kylo got inside, too, and sat down, pulling me against him from behind, between his legs. Water sloshed over the edge of the tub. The water was warm, almost steaming, and helped control my trembling.

 “Are you nervous?” he murmured. He reached up and took down a loofa.

It felt like the medication was wearing off. I squeezed my eyes shut and opened them again. “My medicine isn’t working.” I squirmed, reddening when I felt something hard against my back. “Um… I don’t do things like this. I should go—”

 “Shh. Relax. I want you to learn your body before you learn mine.”

His fingers crept across my thighs and I pressed back against him in response. He barely stifled a groan into my hair as his left hand met the vertex of my thighs.

The loofa was floating around the tub as I whimpered and shifted around. Kylo’s breath was on the crux of my neck and he groaned again, louder this time, before his lips brushed the apex of my shoulder and neck. My hands were squeezed into fists on my lap.

Kylo gently cupped one of my breasts and kept stroking between my legs. “You’re so tense, sweet girl. What can I do to make you relax?”

 “I’m… this is weird.”

 “Mm. Vulnerability is already difficult for you, and sex is the ultimate form of it.” He left my breast to take one of my fists and pried it open, directing it to where his hand was between my legs. “It’s so disappointing that you aren’t properly adjusted to your own body. But I don’t mind teaching you.”

 “Please, I don’t want to—”

 “You do want to. You just think it’s wrong.” He splayed my fingers across where his were and gently moved them. “Learn what you like.”

I swallowed hard but did what he said, roaming across myself in a way I hadn’t before. The medication was helping. Regular Rey wouldn’t even dream of it.

It was liberating. I cleared my mind, leaning back against his chest, knowing full well what I was doing to him, and made the quiet noises I knew men liked. Kylo ran water through my hair, clearly trying to distract himself as my quiet whimpers turned into louder panting. He rested his head against the back wall of the bathtub and I heard him muttering to himself in a language I didn’t understand.

My back arched and I bit down hard on my lip, but small sounds still escaped when the end came. I couldn’t believe that I did it, since it usually felt so gross and weird to even try. Kylo laughed while I tried to catch my breath and kissed me all over my shoulders.

 “Good girl,” he whispered. “How did it feel?”

 “Really… really good.” I turned a little to look up at him and he smiled down at me. “Aren’t you uncomfortable?”

 “Yes.” He winked. “That’s what other women are for. For now. You’ll remember things if I move too quickly—like the flashback you had last night in the kitchen. Sooner or later you’ll be in a state where I can torture and fuck you to my heart’s content.”

It was getting hard to think again. The anxiety had helped clear my head but now that it was gone, it felt like the medication was hitting me with fuller force.

I frowned. “Torture?”

Kylo’s lips turned up cruelly at the corners and he stroked his lower lip with his index finger, eyeing me condescendingly. I’d never felt so small and the hair on the back of my neck stood up.

 “Oh, yes,” he murmured. “You’ll see soon. I’m a psychopath, and a sexual sadist. I just learned how to hide it better than say, Pierre Holt. Killing people is messy. Fucking with their heads isn’t.”

 _What?_ My ears rang and I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut.

 “Wait,” I said, “I’m… I’m not hearing right.”

The loofa had floated back. Kylo scooped it up and gently massaged my back, indifferent to my staring. It was getting humid in the bathroom, which was making me sleepier and making it harder to breathe.

 “Pierre and I met before he escaped prison. I treated him.” Kylo sighed. “He was obsessed with killing women who looked like his mother, and obsessed with that woman. Natalie, I think? He was interesting to study and learn from but he has very poor self-control—and he’s extremely violent. He’ll kill her one day. Or himself.”

Okay, so I misheard him. He just knew psychopaths. That made sense.

Kylo slipped the loofa under the water to rub my legs. “More recently, I met Seth Morrow. You know—the brain surgeon? Not as interesting. He was so heavily overmedicated that there was little I could do for him. He had even less self-control than Pierre, especially now that his fingers are smashed to shit.”

 “W-what are they like?”

 “Quiet and unassuming. That’s why they’re all such successful serial killers. Morrow has become unhinged, though. Captivity doesn’t work well for him, what with the violent rages. Holt is probably quite happy to be back tormenting his family. Natalie helps him hide.”

 “That’s sick,” I said. “They’ve _killed_ people!”

Kylo shrugged and looked kind of bored. “The woman Seth tortured has moved on—now she’s working as a psychiatrist, too. But I suppose Natalie was taken in by Stockholm syndrome, or low self-esteem. Who knows, really? I haven’t had the opportunity to pick her brain. But it does seem that the monsters get more gruesome as time goes on.” He studied my face, then pursed his lips. “Tired?”

I hadn’t been awake three hours yet but I was ready for a nap. I nodded, yawning, and Kylo lifted me out of the tub again. He wrapped me in a towel and I leaned on the wall to nod off a bit. He did his best to dry me off and wrung out my hair before slipping me into a black dress shirt of his. I blinked blearily and held up my arms to watch the sleeves drooping from my hands.

 “This isn’t my shirt,” I grumbled.

Kylo feigned concern as he dried off and dressed again in the usual sweatpants and boastful Harvard t-shirt. What, did he own it in every color?

 “Oh?” he said. “But how else will I admire you?”

 “…Not my problem…”

He laughed and drained the water out of the tub, dropping some towels on the floor to clean up the spilled water. I realized I didn’t have any underwear on and stumbled out of the bathroom to find a pair. The room was really spinning now and I tripped over the medicine bottles still littered on the ground. I lay on the floor in a stupor, blinking slowly at my phone, when I saw Kylo pick it up.

He unlocked it. How did he know the password? I closed my eyes and sighed, too tired to care.

 “Naughty girl,” Kylo said, grinning down at me. “Recording what’s happening?” His eyes flickered across the screen and his smile grew. “This is impressive. With the Xyrem and the alcohol together, I would think you’d be too fucked up to do anything but drool on yourself.”

I was quickly approaching that point. My eyes rolled back from fighting the urge to sleep and I groped around for the phone in Kylo’s hand. There were some clicking noises and he tossed it on the bed.

 “Rose,” I whined.

 “Oh, Rey. Baby.” He crouched down in front of me and his teeth looked like daggers. “None of them care about you. Remember? When you had your episode and they avoided you?” He picked up a bottle of pills and checked the label then shook one into his palm. “They hate you. You need me. I will make you feel better again.”

 “But…”

 “Take this. You need to sleep while I go back to the bar.”

I swallowed it and it prickled on the way down my dry throat. Kylo picked me up and brought me back to my bedroom to drop me on my bed. He went through my dresser and I watched him pick up fistfuls of my underwear and rub the fabric between his fingers. Rain still pattered against the windows and darkness started swirling in my vision…

 “These are very nice, Rey. I better keep a pair.” The drawer shut.

A pair of underwear slid up my legs and I saw another hanging out of Kylo’s pocket. He helped me under the covers and leaned over to kiss the top of my head. His breath smelled faintly of mint.

 “I’ll be back,” he said. “It’s a little early to go to the bar, but I’m sure I’ll find someone to satiate myself. For now. Sleep well, sweet girl.”

The darkness bloomed across my vision and I passed out.


	18. And leads others into sin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally

That night was the worst sleep I ever had. I kept waking up and falling back asleep, a miserable pattern that went on until morning. I just laid in bed when it was finally over and wondered why I was having such a hard time moving. The rain had stopped, at least. Sunlight was filtering through the windows as they dried and I could see traffic crawling around on the streets below.

There was a wine glass next on the nightstand and I groaned, turning to shove my face in my pillow. Christ, what was I doing mixing alcohol and the Abilify? That explained why I felt like complete shit. I ran my tongue over my teeth and managed to prop myself up enough that I could clutch my throbbing head. I needed a shower and I needed to brush my teeth.

I opened my eyes and jerked upright in shock.

Again I was wearing one of Kylo’s shirts—black this time and totally open in the front. I had no bra or pants on. I panicked and started buttoning it up, desperate to cover myself, then remembered halfway through that I shouldn’t be wearing it in the first place. I staggered out of bed and tugged it over my head. How had I even taken it?! Kylo had been home…

I hurried to shower and scrub my teeth and dress myself. The apartment was quiet and I tiptoed out of my bedroom with the shirt to see if Kylo was still home. The coast seemed to be clear so I rushed to his bedroom to hide it before he found out. I must’ve gotten drunk and gone through his stuff. My cheeks burned as I crossed to his dresser and tried my best to fold the shirt. Fuck me, why was I—

 “Did you need something?”

I shrieked in shock and spun around to see Kylo standing in the doorway. He thankfully looked entertained by me and was already dressed in a sweater and jeans. He raised his eyebrows and sipped his orange juice while I tried to stutter out an excuse.

 “Shirt!” I spluttered. “I took it! I don’t know how—why—” I covered my face with my hands and leaned on the dresser, mortified. “I am s _o sorry_. I somehow got into the wine, I think, and…”

He shook his head, laughing. “What am I going to do with you? You have such odd reactions to the medications I give you.”

I nodded spastically. “I know, I have no clue what came over me! But I don’t really remember a lot… like most of the day. I think I slept the whole time.”

 “You did.” Kylo set the juice down on a table just outside the bedroom door and walked towards me with his hands in his pockets. He stood right in front of me, clearly using his height to make me more anxious, and smiled. “I was unfortunately gone most of the day. I would have loved catching you in my bedroom playing dress-up in my clothes.”

I stared up at him and remembered our conversation from the day before when he had basically told me he knew I had a crush on him. My ears turned red like they always did and I wrung my fingers.

 “Yeah,” I muttered, “it was probably super cute.” I leaned back on the dresser and avoided his eyes. “I don’t remember seeing you after having lunch.”

 “You weren’t very happy with me and went back to sleep. I’m assuming the medication mixed with the alcohol had you semi-conscious for the rest of the day.”

 “…Sorry.”

Kylo shrugged. “It doesn’t bother me. Why don’t we go see the sights? You’ve been cooped up inside long enough, and tomorrow you have a long day with Ed and I have a long day giving a lecture.” He reached out to pick a piece of lint off my stomach and his dark eyes met mine. “Maybe when we come back you can drink half a bottle of wine again and dress up for me.”

My pulse pounded in my ears and I tried forced out a fake laugh. He was kidding, obviously. He was smirking at me but his eyes looked deadly serious and flickered down to my mouth. I wanted to sink down to the floor and crawl away.

I swallowed hard and squeezed past him, practically running. “Okay, meet you at the door!”

It didn’t take long for both of us to be ready. We went out into the bright London morning and I marveled at the old buildings and architecture. It was a bit overcast but Kylo told me that was typical for Europe as a whole. We walked down cobblestone streets and had lunch in a café. It would’ve been even better if I wasn’t trying to hide my feelings.

We saw Big Ben and went to a museum with all sorts of artifacts and artwork. I couldn’t help but be excited about it. I was a history buff and I did enjoy a pretty painting. Kylo knew a lot, too, of course. We chatted about it and before I knew it, we’d spent most of the day wandering around the museum.

Thankfully the rain didn’t start again until we were almost back to the apartment. We ran through the rain for about a block and hurried into the elevator. Kylo had tried his best to cover me but I was still totally drenched. I pulled out my shirt to see the damage and started laughing. He looked at me and started laughing too, shaking the water out of his thick hair.

The floor lights blipped in front of us, both leaning on the back of the elevator. I looked over at Kylo and we both laughed a little again, and his Adam’s apple bobbed. His eyes flickered down to my mouth.

Then the elevator opened and a couple stepped inside. Both of us stood up straight and greeted them politely. I wrung some of the water out of my hair and the couple left on the next floor, and we were alone again, but the cliché movie moment had passed.

 “Thanks for taking me out,” I said, smiling. “I love museums.”

Kylo fingered the odd bracelet on his wrist and didn’t look at me. “I figured you would.”

We got back into the apartment and both went to get changed and dry off. I excitedly texted Rose about the day, confident she wouldn’t tell anyone, and scrolled through my Facebook. I wished I could share some pictures but that didn’t seem appropriate, given the situation.

When I came out in sweatpants and a baggy sweater, Kylo was already on the couch. He looked over his shoulder at me and patted the spot next to him that was under his outstretched arm. I could feel him staring as I walked over and perched in the spot with my back ramrod straight. There was a home decorating show playing on TV.

He pulled the coffee table closer with his feet and crossed his ankles on top of it. “You can lean back, you know. I didn’t pay for this couch—I’d never buy something so incredibly uncomfortable.”

 “Oh—sorry.” I flopped back in a kind of spastic motion and he tried not to laugh.

 “You’d like the Louvre,” Kylo said, turning a bit away from me. “It’s in Paris. The Mona Lisa is there, along with some other invaluable artwork. Have you ever been to the Met in New York?”

 “Nope. I’ve been too busy getting straight As.”

He took out a thick gray blanket from under the couch and spread it across us. There was almost a foot of space between us but I shifted further off, anyway. I kept my feet planted on the floor.

 “All of my genius patients have the worst neuroses,” Kylo said. “Very few are functioning and highly intelligent, especially the serial killers.”

Something clicked in my head. I spoke without knowing what I was saying. “Like Pierre Holt and Seth Morrow.” It felt natural to say the names; like I’d heard them before.

Kylo looked at me sideways. “...I can’t name names. HIPAA.” His fingers tapped behind my head. “Recently I met a man from Louisiana who kidnapped girls over the course of a decade. Again, I can’t say his name, but he was very disturbing. All three were consumed by hatred.”

A nice family was touring a house on HGTV. My eyes widened a little at the price and I frowned. How could people spend almost a million dollars on a _house_? It seemed excessive to me.

 “That’s too bad,” I said. “Did you fix them?”

 “Some patients are beyond help.” Kylo tapped his fingers again and I could almost feel them on the back of my neck. “Holt escaped—I’m sure he’ll torture his family to death. Morrow was fucked up from the start and he self-medicated for so long that nothing I gave him could help. Reinhart—that’s the one from Louisiana—just wants some dead woman’s affection.”

I looked over at Kylo, frowning. “Huh. I’m having deja-vu.”

 “Maybe you were a serial killer in your past life?” he suggested, smirking.

 “Hmm. That would make sense.” I laughed and shook my head, turning back to the TV. “In this life I save animals and in my last one I killed people. Perfect karma cycle.”

 “Exactly.” Kylo turned toward the kitchen. “Did you take your Abilify?”

Shit. I moved to get up and he touched my arm, murmuring for me to stay where I was. Rose had texted me back asking for pictures of Kylo but I didn’t want to invade his privacy. He came back a minute later with a single pill and a glass of water and went back to the kitchen again.

 “The housekeeper dropped off some food,” he called. “Now we can finally eat something that doesn’t come from a bag. What would you like, Rey?”

I shrugged and swallowed the pill. “Anything’s fine. Chicken, beef, maybe some… cat.”

Kylo blinked at me and for the first time, I knew I got him. I almost choked on my water laughing and he shook his head and smiled as he took some food out of the fridge.

 “I see that you’re back to being sassy,” he said, setting chicken breasts on the island.

 “I’m on vacation.” I got up off the couch to sit at the island and watch Kylo. “Might as well operate at my maximum sass level. Can I help?”

 “Sure, you can cut the fat off.”

After a quick hand wash I found a cutting board and kitchen shears and started shaving off the big chunks of fat from the chicken. Kylo took out some other odds and ends, like getting the pan on the stove and up to temperature and taking out some things to make a salad. I started butting in to doing more work so I didn’t wait to be served like Miss Daisy.

I was used to cooking healthy stuff, since mom and I had done it my entire childhood and I kept at it in college. I used some spices hanging around and a bit of a cheese blend to make the chicken more interesting and relegated Kylo to cutting up the salad. He didn’t seem annoyed or anything, just watched me and smiled most of the time.

We sat next to each other at the island and ate. Kylo genuinely liked the chicken and it made my heart swell with pride. I hadn’t been able to cook for anyone in a while. I was pretty good at it and I could maintain flavor while cutting back on calories.

 “If we have a cook-off, I think you’ll win,” Kylo said when we were done. He took our plates and cutlery to put them in the dishwasher along with the other pans. “Thank you, Rey. Truly delicious.”

 “Thanks!” I said, beaming. “My mom taught me.”

The sun was going down and it was getting darker in the flat. I was tempted to turn on the overhead lights but the traffic and buildings outside with the TV gave off enough of a glow. I hopped off my stool and meandered over to the windows to look out over London again, still amazed by it. The rain was coming down harder now.

Kylo touched my arm. “It seems like it never stops raining here.”

I turned slightly and saw he had a tumbler in one hand and a glass of wine in the other. He offered me the wine and my eyes flickered between it and his face. I accepted it, heart skipping.

 “Guess so,” I said. “It’s beautiful, though. Seattle is the same way and I’ve always wanted to live there.”

 “There is beauty in somber things.” His dark eyes flickered to me and I knew it was meant for me to notice.

An awkward “yep” was all I could manage. I stood there for another minute before moving to go back to sit on the couch and Kylo suddenly grabbed my forearm.

He took a long drink of his scotch, finishing it, but didn’t look at me. “I hope that wine doesn’t give you anymore strange ideas. Ed was right—you’re an adult and I can’t control you.”

 “I become a clothes-thief after…” I squinted at the glass. “About three more of these. I wasn’t a big binge-drinker in undergrad and grad school hardly gives me time to sleep, let alone get drunk.”

 “Ah.” He let go and turned toward me, dangling the tumbler in his long fingers. “Abilify lowers your tolerance quite a bit. Who knows? Maybe we’ll get lucky and you’ll start stealing my clothes after you’re done with that glass.”

 “I’ll start hoarding them under the bed, probably.”

He smiled and walked past me back to the kitchen. I was surprised to see him having alcohol but it didn’t bother me in the least. If he was having a glass back in his office in Maine it would’ve obviously been inappropriate, but something had shifted in our relationship. He’d been cordial before and now he was gradually loosening up. It was nice.

 “I should be done tomorrow by four,” Kylo called from the kitchen. He poured another drink but put an ice cube in it this time. “Ed should be done with you by then.”

 “What’s he going to ask, anyway?” I sat back down on the couch and pulled the blanket on my lap.

 “The same types of things I asked. He’s more or less confirming what I’ve diagnosed you with so you’re eligible for the scholarship.”

I raised an eyebrow. “And what am I diagnosed with?”

 “Brief psychotic disorder, for now.” Kylo sat next to me again with his arm across the couch and helped himself to the blanket, watching the TV. “If symptoms persist it becomes schizophreniform, then schizophrenia if you really go off the rails. But it looks like you’re getting better.”

Schizophrenia?! I didn’t have that. I nursed my wine and looked at the TV, too. “I don’t think they’ll let me back into Cornell if I have schizophrenia.”

 “Of course they will, thanks to the Americans with Disabilities Act. The problem is whether or not you can cope with the daily stressors of it—and they can kick you out if you can’t.” He furrowed his brow. “Your mother told me her parents handled that, though.”

 “Yeah, only because they can’t stand another embarrassment. When do you think I can go back?”

 “Probably for fall semester.”

Shit—that soon?! It wasn’t bad news at all but everyone had been talking about me taking an entire year off to ‘recover’. I brightened at the thought of finishing school on time with everyone else and was tempted to tell Rose and Axl. It depended on me at the end of the day.

 “That would be nice,” I said.

Kylo nodded. “It would. You’ll have to continue therapy, but you should be able to function well enough to finish school on time.”

I swirled my wine around and kept my eyes on it. “And you’re probably not going to be around Ithaca, New York, right?”

Lightning flashed outside the window and thunder rumbled through the flat. The lights flickered over us and Kylo looked up, frowning. I set my glass down on the coffee table and pulled the blanket up to my chin. It wouldn’t be good if we lost power.

He sipped his drink, still watching the lights. “Harvard funds most of my research so they probably wouldn’t appreciate me visiting Cornell.” He shrugged and glanced at me. “But I do like Western New York. I could probably find my way out there every few weeks.”

My heart swelled excitedly at the thought. It’d be nice to see him once in a while and it would help the weeks fly by. Plus, then he could see me in my element, not as a—

There was a crash of thunder and the lights abruptly went out. I jumped in surprise and Kylo rose from the couch to walk down the hall. I heard a door open then a sound like metal creaking. He muttered to himself and I slid further under the blanket. Thankfully the huge windows letting in the London lights helped keep the place from turning pitch black.

Kylo came back with a candle and a flashlight. He lit the candle and sat down next to me again, this time closer than before. He rubbed the back of his head and I felt his fingertips brush my shoulder.

 “It’s about 8 o’clock,” he said. “Too early for me to go to bed, but if you’d like, I can bring you down the hall to your room. The power should be back in a few hours.”

 “Yeah, might as well go to sleep.”

He rose again and offered me his hand. I took it and rolled up the blanket on the couch, then followed him down the dark hallway. It was harder to see but he had the candle to illuminate our path and the light from my bedroom dispelled some of the darkness. He was still holding my hand.

There was some fog rising from the streets and it looked ethereal outside. Kylo set the candle down on the dresser and turned to smile down at me. It was deathly quiet and still and I could hear my pulse thrumming in my ears. I swallowed hard, mouth going dry, and my animal urges got the better of me.

I grabbed the front of his shirt and leaned up on my tiptoes to kiss him on the lips. The height difference made it difficult but he leaned over enough when I tugged on him. Kylo went stiff as a board and I realized after a few seconds that he wasn’t responding. I pulled back, mortified.

 “I’m…” I covered my mouth and took a step back. “I’m _so sorry_.”

Kylo took my face in his hands, forcing me to look at him. I was already starting to get teary-eyed. He ground his jaw and sighed but smiled at me.

 “This is inappropriate, Rey,” he said.

 “I know, I don’t know why I—”

His thumbs touched my lips and he shushed me. “Shh, shh. I didn’t say it was unwanted.”

Then his lips were on mine again and he deepened the kiss. He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me up and against him, and I was dizzy and confused. The fingers of one hand curled around the back of my neck and tugged on my hair. His mouth tasted like scotch.

I broke the kiss, staring up at him in shock. “I don’t want you to get in trouble.”

 “It’s dark, it’s hard to see.” Kylo moved on to kissing my neck and his breath was on my ear. “I won’t tell if you won’t.”

The lights suddenly came back on.

We both looked up, still in a compromising position and Kylo groaned. He let go of me and I readjusted my hair and pants. I felt lightheaded. He blew out the candle and picked it up.

 “I’ll get you up around 7 o’clock,” he said. “Have a good night, Rey.”

Then he left without saying anything else or acknowledging what he just happened. I watched him disappear down the hall and touched my lips. Holy shit.


	19. Countertransference

The day started early, like Kylo had said. He woke me up at seven on the dot and once again left the room without saying much to me. Breakfast was ready on the island. I sat and ate alone, dressed in a skirt and blouse to look pretty for my interview with Ed. I looked around for Kylo and started feeling more and more anxious and guilty. I was such an idiot. I couldn’t believe I kissed him.

I wanted to tell Rose and Finn but knew it was a bad idea. Kylo could get into serious trouble and it had been an accident, anyway. Still, thinking of it made my heart patter faster.

“Ed is going to pick you up from the university.”

I turned to see Kylo come into the room in a black suit without a tie. It looked casual but more formal than he usually dressed. He was adjusting the sleeves, not looking at me. I chewed slowly on my eggs and nodded, feeling my ears turn red like they always did when I was nervous.

He dropped the Abilify pill next to me. “You’ll have to watch some of my lecture, unfortunately. It’s going to be a bit dry.”

 “Couldn’t be more boring than calculus,” I said. I took the pill and got up with my empty plate. “Thanks again for all this. Mom’s going to be thrilled if she thinks I can go back to school early.”

I loaded the dishwasher and turned and Kylo was right in front of me. He stepped closer and grasped the counter on either side of me, pinning me against the dishwasher. I wrung my fingers and my cheeks burned. Don’t look, don’t look…

 “I’m sure she will be.” He reached above me to open a cabinet and took out a glass. “Excuse me.”

What? I mumbled an apology and tried to move and he pushed me against the dishwasher, setting the glass in the sink. He turned on the water and suddenly he was kissing me and I grabbed the counter behind me. One of his hands tangled in my hair and he deepened the kiss. Fuck.

Kylo reached past me to turn off the water and broke our kiss. He took the glass of water with him and sipped it, smiling at me like nothing happened.

 “It’s a bit dry in here, isn’t it?” he asked innocently. His eyes raked down my body to my skirt. “That’s pretty, Rey.”

 “…T-thanks.”

We left a few minutes later. My head was spinning the entire trip to the university. Holy shit. If it wasn’t for the Abilify, I would probably have a nervous breakdown. I kept glancing at him from the corner of my eye and he looked like he didn’t have a care in the world. He took a pair of glasses out of his jacket when we arrived at the steps of a massive building and put them on.

There was some signage around that told me I was at Cambridge University. There was lots of people walking around in formal wear, and a few people in lab coats. I tugged on my skirt and felt very underdressed. Cambridge was one of the preeminent medical schools in the entire world.

Some of the women we passed on the way stared at Kylo and giggled, but he didn’t get the same dirty looks the Americans gave him. There were lots of people of different ethnicities passing us. We paused outside of a set of double doors and Kylo checked his watch. He had a briefcase with him.

 “You can sit in the back,” he said. “I prefer the students and staff to be able to see and hear me clearly. Ed will pop in around noon to pick you up for lunch and you’ll go to another part of the university.”

 “Ok,” I muttered.

He opened the door and smiled down at me. “Don’t be glum. You’re too beautiful to frown.”

There was a sea of people before us and my stomach fell to my feet. Kylo had to give me a nudge so I would scurry up the stairs to find a seat way in the back while people openly stared at me. He didn’t look like it bothered him in the least and attached a microphone to his suit. A girl a few seats in front of me took out her phone to take a picture of him.

Kylo opened his briefcase and waved to the crowd. “Good morning, everyone. My name is Dr. Kylo Ren and I’m and adjunct for Cambridge University.” He took out a laptop and attached it to a cord while he spoke. “Today I’ll be speaking about some current issues in the field of psychiatry, as well as psychology. It should be exciting to everyone rushing to finish their dissertation.”

Laughter rolled across the room. I settled into my seat and wanted to play on my phone but figured it would be rude and decided to pay attention. A PowerPoint came up behind Kylo and he took out a laser pointer to begin the presentation. It was packed. Maybe 200 people.

Kylo went on for a while about different things, like new treatments for diseases, mistrust of therapy, and difficulties with insurance companies. I scanned the crowd to see most of them paying for attention, save for some people scrolling through Facebook.

 “…Another prominent issue in the field is attraction to clients.”

I perked up and I could see Kylo looking right in my direction. He leaned on the lectern.

 “This is an extremely common phenomenon,” he said. “Many of us meet patients who become attracted to us—often because of erotic transference. However, recent surveys have turned up data suggesting that it’s almost as common the other way. Almost 90% of psychiatric professionals report feeling sexually attracted to a client and almost 10% admit to acting on the attraction.”

There were some murmurs in the crowd and I saw a few people Google it. I shrank down in my seat and looked towards the door. He wasn’t talking to me. That would be crazy.

He changed slides. “This is inappropriate for plenty of reasons. For one, it’s illegal, and you can lose your license. Advisory boards are very strict about this problem and it’s unlikely you’ll be able to get it back again. It’s also an ethical problem: your patients trust you with their deepest, most frightening thoughts and feelings, and taking advantage of that trust is inappropriate and immoral.”

The door opened when he was done with his sentence and I saw a familiar face peek inside. Ed waved to Kylo, who nodded towards me and kept on talking. I got out of my chair like my butt was on fire and hurried down the stairs to him, relieved to get out of the room. I didn’t know what to think anymore.

Ed was dressed up, too, but in a blue suit. He smiled and shook my hand as we left the lecture hall and started down the hallway.

 “Bored?” he teased. “Ren’s smart, but not very engaging.” He nodded toward a small line of people. “We can grab lunch first in the cafeteria then head to my office. Olivia is meeting us here.”

It smelled good, like chicken and pasta and pizza all at once. Ed guided me around and I decided I’d get a slice of pizza. He ordered two and we got drinks and side salads as well. I had a weird sense of guilt as we went out to the cafeteria to eat the food Ed paid for. I’d kissed his friend twice in the past 24 hours. But I wasn’t a regular patient. I was obviously high functioning and I knew what I was doing.

We sat down with a pretty redheaded woman wearing a lab coat and big glasses. She looked up and beamed when she saw Ed, leaning over the table to kiss him, then offered me her hand for a shake. Ed slid her a slice of pizza and she dug in without saying anything else.

 “This is Olivia,” Ed said, smiling at her. “Olivia, this is Rey Kenobi. My wife teaches microbiology here at the university.”

 “That I do!” she said with a mouthful of food. She paused and swallowed hard. “I also like to give away my family’s money! Kylo told us about you a few weeks ago and I wanted to meet you in person.”

I cut up my slice of pizza like always. “Thank you so much for considering me. Kylo said I may be able to go back to school in August so I’m super hopeful about that. How did you two meet if you don’t mind me asking?”

 “Same old, same old,” Olivia said, winking at Ed. “We met in college, I more or less stalked him until he went out with me, and the rest is history.” She stuffed some salad in her mouth. “You’re going to be a veterinarPoe, right? Good for you! I wanted to, but it made me sad.”

 “It’s hard sometimes,” I said, “but I like how much flexibility I have. Using meds off-label, euthanasia… We have some assets that you don’t get in human medicine.”

Ed nodded, eating his food much slower. “That’s true. You always have to look on the bright side.”

We chatted for a while longer and Olivia finished her food long before Ed and I. She went back and bought some more, which she chewed through while asking me questions. She was thin as a rail but apparently could put it away like an Olympic athlete. Jealousy panged in me. Lucky.

Olivia glanced at her watch. “Well, I like you, Rey, so I’m naming you the recipient of the award. Now Ed just needs to validate Kylo’s diagnose and you’re good to go! We’ll pay you lump sum into a bank account but that boring stuff can be reviewed later.” She reached across the table and shook my hand again, grinning widely. “Nice to meet you; gotta run!”

She kissed Ed on the cheek and took off in her heels, making people part like the Red Sea to get out of her way. Ed stared after her, smirking to himself, and gathered the plates she left behind.

 “Olivia has ADHD,” he explained to my confused expression. “It’s under control—I think most of her personality is just very fast and impatient. But I love her anyway.”

We left the cafeteria and went outside to a different building. This one looked older and there weren’t a lot of people in the hallways. I tagged along after Ed and we went into a small office that reminded me of the one Kylo had in Maine. Ed closed the door and sat down to check his computer.

 “I don’t know how to thank both of you,” I said for what felt like the millionth time. “Or Kylo, either.”

Ed smiled and shrugged. “Olivia and I just like to help. Plus, I owe Kylo for being one of the only reasons I finished grad school. I think you resonate with him. Both children of immigrants, both working hard to get through school, both had a mental health crisis while in school—”

 “Kylo had a mental health crisis?” I interrupted.

 “He didn’t tell you?” Ed blinked and looked around furtively. “Yes, he did. Senior year, and he seemed fine to me. Guess that tells you how pisspoor of a psychiatrist I am. Anyway, he had an event eerily similar to yours, with the psychosis and whatnot. It went away and never came back.”

Holy shit. I folded my arms and digested the information, shocked beyond belief. So the same thing happened to him, huh? He mentioned we went through something similar but I didn’t know he had been psychotic. It made me like him more, if that was even possible, and it gave me hope that I would be able to finish school, too. But why didn’t he tell me? Oh, right—patient-doctor relationship.

 “He doesn’t tell me anything,” I grumbled.

Ed grinned and took out a tablet like Kylo’s. “Never does, especially because you’re his ‘patient’. I’m probably his best friend and all I know is that sometimes he goes camping. Super private guy. Still always got all the girls in college…” He was frowning now but brightened again. “Okay, let’s begin.”

We went over a lot of the things Kylo had grilled me on already. Ed had a more relaxed manner about him and most of the session was us joking around about different things. He was easy to get along with; starkly contrasted to Kylo’s more intense presence. It looked like a lot of his friends were his opposite. He probably attracted them like he attracted me.

It was over before I knew it. Ed wrote some things down on his tablet and leaned back in his chair, arms behind his head. Everything was so much easier to talk about now. It didn’t feel humiliating.

 “I think Kylo and I agree,” Ed said. “Just brief psychotic disorder; probably more of a reactive psychosis due to the pressures of college. You’re clearly improving so I also agree that you can return to school this fall.”

My heart swelled happily. Yes! Finally!

We kept talking for a while about how hard grad school was and where I intended on working when I graduated. I liked Maine, but there was too much snow. I’d probably move south a bit to one of the Carolinas since I now knew that mom and dad would be living comfortably.

I was tempted to tell him about Kylo and I kissing, since he was so casual, but I didn’t know what the ripple effect would be. Kylo was clearly trying to communicate to me how dire the circumstances would be if anyone found out. Besides, I’d be out of his care in a month or so and then it was kosher. Or maybe not. I didn’t know the ins and outs of it, so—

A knock on the door interrupted my inner ruminations. I glanced up as Kylo stepped inside and shook Ed’s hand. He still had the glasses on. I picked at my skirt and tugged it over my knees.

 “Already done?” Ed asked, checking his watch. “Usually you ramble for at least an hour, Ren. Rey and I are all set here.”

 “Good.” Kylo looked at me, hands in his pockets, and smiled. “Olivia and I met each other in the hallway and she invited us over for dinner. Do you mind?”

 “Nope,” I said. It was really hard avoiding his eyes.

Ed stood up with his tablet. “Rey can meet the girls! Tabby is an infant and our other one, Jana, is five. If you can believe it, Jana’s crazy about Kylo. Kids are like cats—they find the person in the room who likes them the least and follow them around.”

We met up with Olivia in the hallway and all left the university together. Kylo took off his glasses outside and rubbed his eyes and I noticed how tired he looked. We all got into a Mercedes together (Kylo and I had taken public transportation the whole way) and I sat in the back with my psychiatrist.

Olivia told us every minute detail of her day on the ride to their home. It wasn’t very far and I was happy about that. All the commotion from last night and earlier had me exhausted. They lived in a flat like Kylo did and we parked in a garage behind it. There were trellises and a gate with a card key. It was an older building and had more charm than the palatial place where Kylo lived.

We went up to the third floor and to the second room. I could hear a kid laughing inside and as soon as the door was open she burst out and flung herself at Kylo.

He staggered back and Ed burst out laughing. Jana was a tiny thing with curly black hair and blue eyes. Her skin was closer to Ed’s color and she was in a blue dress. She beamed up at Kylo who awkwardly patted her on the head. Color me surprised—he didn’t like kids.

 “Jana, this is Rey,” Olivia said, touching Jana’s back. “She’s Kylo’s friend.”

Jana glanced at me and grinned before flinging herself in my direction. I liked kids: they were funny and didn’t hesitate to tell you what they were thinking. She attached herself to my leg and started rattling off questions about who I was and why I was visiting.

There was a babysitter inside holding an infant—Tabby, probably—and I picked Jana up while I looked around at all the décor in the house. It was eclectic, that was for sure, but it felt like a home. Ed eagerly took Tabby and offered her to Kylo, grinning, and Kylo rolled his eyes and shook his head.

Olivia guided me around, showing me the three bedrooms and two bathrooms. They had stuff from all over the world. It was kind of crowded but it was better than the cold feng-shui at Kylo’s flat. It was set up similar to Kylo’s place but the living room and kitchen were cut off from one another.

Ed was already cooking with Tabby on his hip when we came back. Jana detached from me to adhere to Kylo’s leg instead and I happily took the baby from Ed. She smelled like new baby and was fast asleep. I leaned my cheek on the top of her head and sighed.

 “You can take her, Rey,” Ed said.

 “I love new baby smell.” I smiled and rubbed her back. “Especially when they’re napping.”

Olivia peeled Jana from Kylo and laughed. “That’s the best part of infants—constant sleeping. Until they wake you up five times a night to be fed. Are you going to have kids, Rey?”

 “Probably,” I said, “but for now, I just borrow them and get my fix that way.”

Ed gestured to me with a spatula. “See, Kylo? Normal people have kids.”

Olivia took Jana to the bathroom to get her cleaned up for dinner and Kylo eyed me and Tabby almost… thoughtfully? He leaned on the island and shrugged.

 “Children are messy,” he said. “And I like traveling.”

 “You’ll get bored of it sooner or later.” Ed waggled the spatula back and forth.

Dinner was ready about an hour later. Tabby went down for a nap and Jana sat next to me, watching me eat instead of eating herself. It was spaghetti and meatballs and it was delicious but obviously messy for a five-year-old. I cleaned her up a few times even when Olivia insisted that I didn’t have to. It didn’t bother me. She was a cute kid and giggled every time I wiped her mouth.

Both Ed and Olivia were nice people and easy to talk to. Dinner was over before I knew it and Olivia started collecting the dishes while Ed went to check on the baby. I got up to go use the bathroom down the other hallway. After I washed my hands and opened the door, hoping Olivia would at least let me help wash dishes, I almost ran into Kylo.

His hands were in his pockets and he smiled. “Hi.”

Before I could blink he had me pushed against the wall inside the bathroom next to the door and his lips were on mine. Stunned, I grabbed his suit vest to keep myself from tripping and his hands curled around the back of my head before I hit it off the wall. His tongue was in my mouth and he pressed closer to me. I kissed him back, dizzy with lust, then shook my head and broke it off.

 “I don’t understand,” I whispered, staring up at him.

Kylo’s dark eyes were inscrutable, and I had a weird rush of deja-vu.

 “Not everything needs an analysis, Rey,” he murmured. “Sometimes it’s nice to let life happen to you instead of trying to control it.”

Jana screamed with laughter from the other room. Kylo glanced up and kissed me chastely on the lips again before leaving the bathroom like nothing happened. I sagged against the wall and clutched my head, bewildered. Me accidentally kissing him last night was an obvious invitation to him. I would be lying if I said I didn’t like it but there were plenty of problems it could cause.

My phone vibrated in my pocket. I was happy to see Rose had texted me but her message confused me.

  _Hans, what’s going on? Armie is really upset about something and he can’t get a hold of you._

I frowned and texted her back. _I haven’t talked to him since we went to the lake house._

She had the typing speed of a court reporter and I had my response in a second. I paused in the bathroom doorway as my confusion gave way to prickly, ugly fear with each picture she sent. My head throbbed like a memory was trying to escape. I went into my settings and saw Armie was blocked.

  _Here are the texts. What’s happening to you, Rey?_


	20. Punishment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dubious consent at the end

It was hard keeping my composure while we finished our evening with Ed and Olivia. Something felt wrong. I needed to trust my intuition. I’d texted Armie last two nights ago and he said the side effects of my medication didn’t add up, and I must’ve gotten angry and blocked him. Or did I?

We left around 8pm and they dropped us back off at the flat. It was nice not to have to take public transportation again. As we stood there on the sidewalk I felt rain drops on my head.

 “Jesus Christ,” I complained, “not again!”

Kylo put his hands in his pockets and looked up, smiling. “This does seem a bit excessive.”

I’d obviously unblocked Armie. I texted him all the way up to the flat and felt Kylo’s eyes on me most of the time. He opened the door to let me inside while I was grilling Armie on how I was acting. He said I seemed drunk, but I couldn’t remember having any alcohol. I couldn’t remember _anything_. Apparently that wasn’t normal for Abilify or BuSpar.

Armie called me while Kylo shrugged out of his suit jacket. I panicked and scurried off to answer it, trying to talk under my breath. Why did I feel like I was doing something wrong?

 “Where are you?” he asked.

 “Nice to talk to you, too,” I hissed back. I was in my bedroom now and I shut the door behind me. “We’re back at his place. We just had dinner with his friends. I think you’re being overdramatic, Armie. Maybe I’m having an untoward reaction, or—”

 “BuSpar doesn’t cause amnesia and it doesn’t make you loopy. Stop taking whatever he gives you.”

I prickled with anger. “Look, if you’re jealous, that’s not my problem. He’s a fucking psychiatrist. You think he’s _drugging me_? That doesn’t make any sense. Not an iota of sense.”

 “I do think that, and I think he’s manufacturing your episodes.” The clicking of keys could be hear in the background. “Doctors like him don’t take on patients out of the goodness of their hearts.”

 “We have a lot in common!” I snapped.

Armie sighed. “Rey, please listen to me. I love you, and I’m afraid he’s…”

My door creaked. “Is something wrong, Rey?”

I turned around quickly to see Kylo in the doorway, of course, one hand still touching the doorknob. He looked genuinely concerned and I abruptly told Armie that I had to go and hung up on him. I shook my head and dropped my phone on the nightstand then walked to my dresser to find something to sleep in. Armie had to be exaggerating. Kylo wasn’t a creep.

 “Fucking Armitage,” I seethed. I yanked out the top drawer with my underwear and sifted through them. “He’s turning into such a jealous asshole.”

 “Oh… So he’s being a typical male in his mid-20s.”

I glared at Kylo. “That’s not an excuse.”

 “No, it’s not. It is a common behavior in that age range, though.” Kylo stepped inside my room to lean on the wall between the bathroom door and the main door, watching me. “He’s insecure—probably concerned that I’m taking you away from him. I did bring you to the UK immediately after you two had your, er… encounter.”

I pawed around more in my underwear drawer and frowned. Didn’t I have two black pairs? Sighing, I slammed it shut and went to rummage around for pajamas.

 “Well I don’t belong to anyone,” I said icily. “Not my friend from childhood, not the gross creeps I go to college with, and not the psychiatrist who…” I paused and glanced at him, felt my ears turn red, and went back to looking for pajamas. “…Anyway, I’m sick of men.”

 “That’s unfortunate. Maybe celibacy can give you some mental clarity.”

 “It will,” I agreed, nodding and pulling out my pajamas. “When I’m free from hormones I’ll probably be like the Dalai Lama. Mother Teresa… one of them.”

I set my things on the bed and looked at Kylo, expecting him to get the hint that I wanted to change. He smiled back at me and cocked his head.

 “Going to bed?” he asked.

 “Yes. You’ve thoroughly exhausted me for the day.”

He pouted sarcastically. “Oh, Rey. That’s not fair.” His dark eyes roamed down my body to my skirt and he sighed. “Think of how exhausted you’ve made _me_. It’s very draining to lecture and imagine you in that skirt all day.” He shrugged. “Or out of it.”

I swallowed hard. Be cool, Rey. But my heart started pounding in my ears and my cheeks felt hotter and I knew, as always, I couldn’t be cool. I tried to laugh and it came out stilted and awkward. I wanted to say something sarcastic but my mouth was dry and I couldn’t think straight.

Kylo raised his eyebrows. “Do you need help?”

I just stared at Kylo like a cornered rabbit as he casually approached me, eyeing my pajamas with interest. He touched them—they were fleece, and mom gave them to me for Christmas—and heaved a sigh again. I felt like he’d pounce if I moved. Blood was throbbing in my ears. I wanted to pull my skirt over my knees and hide under the bed.

My phone rang.

God bless. I almost tripped in my haste to answer it, slipping away from Kylo before anything else happened. He stood there and watched me take the call and sit on the edge of the bed.

 “Please don’t hang up on me,” Armie said.

I scowled. “You’re being insane. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

 “Rey, listen to me.” Armie’s voice was quiet and serious. He sighed into the speaker. “Listen. I know it’s hard to think straight when he’s seeped into every aspect of your life—but you’re smart. You know something isn’t right, even if you won’t admit it. I want you to be safe.”

 “You’re being unreasonable,” I said, glancing at Kylo, who was still watching me. “Quit trying to make me paranoid.”

 “…Okay.” Armie was quiet for a minute. “You’re in the UK for another week and a half, right?”

I narrowed my eyes. “…Maybe.”

 “Let’s see how he responds when I come see you.”

Before I could lay into him about how insane that was, he hung up. Furious, I stood up and tried to call him back a few times, brushing past Kylo to pace through the flat. What the _fuck_? He was gonna fly all the way to Europe just to supervise me with my psychiatrist?! Had Armie lost it?

I groaned and slumped down in the hall that led to Kylo’s bedroom, lying flat on my face and smooshing it into the carpet. I had to get away from all the testosterone. Why couldn’t Rose come to Europe to hang out with me for a while? She had time off school. I lay there without moving for a few minutes when I sensed Kylo somewhere behind me. His presence was like a dark cloud.

Kylo clicked his tongue. “Seems your policy of avoiding men isn’t working very well.”

I turned enough to glare at him. “ _Thanks._ Prudent as always.” I turned my head back to shove my face in the carpet. “Armie is acting crazy. He wants to come here to stalk me or some shit.”

 “That’s disturbing. Do you think laying in the middle of the hallway is going to help?”

 “Who knows? I didn’t think I’d have to leave college because I had a nervous breakdown but here I am—” I gestured vaguely without moving my head “—in the UK with my psychiatrist, who had suddenly decided to start kissing me, staying in his house, getting a huge scholarship because I’m crazy. Clearly stranger things have happened.”

It was silent for a little bit, save for the rain thrashing the windows. My face was starting to hurt but I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t want to deal with Armie or Kylo. I stayed perfectly still and wondered what kind of chemicals I was inhaling from the carpet. It smelled ok. Kind of musty.

 “Are you ready to get up?” Kylo quipped.

 “No.”

 “Therapeutic intervention, it is.”

One second I frowned and the next the floor and I were separated, and I was hovering in midair by my armpits. I blinked in shock but just hung there as Kylo carried me like a ragdoll back to my bedroom. He dropped me on my bed and I spun on my back to shoot him a frigid glare. He stood there with a placid smile on his face, hands in his pockets, and nodded towards my pajamas.

 “Moping around is allowing him to control you,” Kylo said, “so stop doing it. Change.”

I crinkled my lips in an angry, tight circle. “Wouldn’t that be letting you control me, instead?”

 “There will always be someone who controls you in life, Rey.” Kylo shrugged, tilting his head side to side like he was thinking. “A boss, a spouse, children. Some are good at it—and some aren’t. Your friend is not. So, I’m telling you: change.”

 “No.” The hackles were up. “Maybe I like my skirt better.”

 “You’re anxious. Change and go to bed before something bad happens.”

Thinking about Armie showing up was making me extremely anxious. It pissed me off, too. Who did he think he was, questioning me? He was acting like a jealous asshole. I wasn’t his property. My head throbbed and I squeezed my eyes shut, rubbing my temples. Fuck, I needed to calm down.

But it was past the point of no return. My ears started ringing and tears welled up in my eyes as I realized what was about to happen. A whimper came out of me before I could stop it and I lay back on my bed, hugging a pillow, praying it wouldn’t be as bad as the last time.

The world started to twist, even with my eyes shut, and I became overrun with paranoia. I was aware, somewhere deep within me, that it was unfounded, but I had the sudden urge to escape the room—jump out the window if I needed to. I threw the pillow and sat up and I saw a dark shadow in my bedroom door. I stared at the wavy figure and started crying harder.

 “Stay right there,” he said in a deep, unsettling voice.

That obviously wasn’t going to happen. I scrambled out of bed and fell on the floor near the windows and turned to try to claw my way under the bed. Something sharp bit me in the back of my thigh and I wailed and thrashed, struggling to escape. Hands slipped up the back of my skirt and squeezed my butt and I started screaming at the top of my lungs.

Whatever had been injected into me started working fast. But when a hand closed over my mouth, I instinctively bit down on it and heard the person swear under their breath. They laughed and dragged me from under the bed, flipping me on my back, and I was dazed. Kylo’s grinning face came into focus and I was inspired to smile back at him, crackling the dried tears on my cheeks.

He shook his hand, still laughing. “Fuck, Rey. You drew blood.”

I laughed back because it felt right. He leaned back and sucked some of the blood off his index finger and stared down at me while I lost control of myself and laughed harder and harder. Without warning, Kylo slapped me across the face— _hard._

Blood bloomed on my lower lip and I stared under the bed, shocked even under the influence of the medication. I swallowed hard, blinking a few times, and slowly looked back at him.

Kylo brushed my hair away from my face and placed his hands on either side of my head, overwhelming me with his sheer presence. He stared into my eyes without showing any emotion and raised his eyebrows. I didn’t dare move, even though I felt like I could float away. He dipped his lips to kiss the bloody spot on my lip and hovered there as I panted in fear.

He gave a short, derisive laugh. “You know, the orderlies don’t care about what you want to wear.” One of his dark eyes had mine. “They’ll strip you naked if they want to; force you into whatever piss-soaked hospital gown they have lying around. And if your mommy and daddy don’t have the money for a passable institution—” He paused and I felt his lips near my ear “—the staff will rape you.”

I started crying again, a volatile mix of emotions. “D-don’t make me go th-there!”

Kylo didn’t say anything. He was off me and I was free but terrified. I scrambled to my hands and knees and managed to catch his leg before he got past my bed. He didn’t move as I fell apart at the seams, sobbing and grabbing him, pleading not to be sent to one of those places. I couldn’t bear the thought of it.

He touched the top of my head. “I can protect you. If you listen to me.”

I nodded spastically and looked up at him, still pulling on his pant leg. “Yes, yes!” I looked around wildly and crawled back to the bed to tug the pajamas to the floor, where I started unbuttoning my blouse. That was what started it. That was what I needed to do.

Fingers brushed the back of my head. “That’s very good, but I want you to do something else for me right now. Can you try for me?”

When I turned to look up at him, he was taking off his vest and dropped it on the floor. He left and came back with a blue shirt of his and told me to strip. I did it without hesitation and tugged the dress shirt over my shoulders as he gently pushed me back down to my knees. I stared up at him, almost mystified, and he smiled back as he unbuckled his belt. I could feel drool in the corner of my mouth.

 “Close your eyes,” he murmured, cupping my cheek with one hand to wipe away the saliva and brushing back my hair in one swift motion. The other was in his pants. “Lick your lips.”

I squeezed my eyes shut and my addled mind tried to piece it all together. It was obvious to any idiot, but was lost on me. I licked my lips a bit theatrically and felt soft pressure on them a second later. I frowned when I felt stickiness and tried to speak but my mouth was abruptly full.

Kylo shuddered and made a deep, satisfied groan. I instinctively tried to pull back but one of his hands had the back of my head in a cage and I couldn’t go anywhere. Tears pricked the corners of my eyes and I looked up at him, grasping his pants to keep myself from falling over.

His dark eyes were hazy and rolled back when they met mine. He pushed my head down further and I coughed. “Fuck, Rey. Don’t look at me.”

It was something I’d never done before. Being high as a kite was probably helping and making it worse. I knew well enough not to bite him and rolled my lips over my teeth, closing my eyes. He wasn’t moving fast but my back of my throat would tingle unpleasantly every time he rocked forward. I grabbed him with a hand when I thought I was about to vomit and he pulled my hair.

 “Good girl,” Kylo whispered. “Touch me.”

I did—I’d been a teenager who dated other teenagers, so I at least knew how to do that. The two motions synchronized, and Kylo took his hands off me to rub his face, groaning. He brushed my hair to the other side of my neck and our eyes met again. He shook his head and my mouth was empty again but he wasn’t done. Again, I knew what to do and Kylo pulled my hair and shuddered again as he pulsed to completion on my chest and his rather expensive-looking shirt.

He yanked my hair, so my neck was bent over the back of the bed and I was forced to look up at him. He was panting but smiling. “Don’t move.”

Then he left the room. My knees were trembling, but I didn’t move at all until Kylo came back a few minutes later. He’d changed into his usual lounge wear and had his cell phone. I blinked stupidly while he took a few pictures of me and still didn’t budge after he was done. He scrolled through them, admiring them like he was looking at the Mona Lisa, and glanced at me.

 “Now the picture of you in a skirt has a companion,” he said, smiling. His eyes raked down my body that was mostly naked and he sighed. “Get up, Rey. Start the shower. I’ll be in soon.”

I got up and skittered to the bathroom to do what he said. The medication was working like it always did: but for some reason, it didn’t feel quite as strong anymore.


	21. Descent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao now he's just throwing caution to the wind

It was still raining the next morning.

I was curled under the sheets in my pajamas, reflecting on what bits of pieces I could remember from the night before. Was it a dream or did it really happen? I licked my lower lip and tasted blood. My hair was still damp from taking a shower I didn’t remember.

Rose texted me a couple of times asking if Armie was seriously coming to the UK. I didn’t feel like responding to her. I laid there in my bed without moving, staring out the window, resisting the sinking feeling that something wasn’t right. It could be me being paranoid—after all, I was still having breakthrough episodes under high stress. Armie had been hassling me so much that it happened again.

And Kylo probably gave me an injection to abort the episode. Maybe I puked on myself and he had to help me shower. Before I met Kylo and had an episode there had been gaps in my memory, too. Armie was just pissed off and jealous and trying to make me uneasy in a place where I could finally relax.

 “Rey.”

I flinched at the sound of his voice and didn’t know why, but peeked out of my blanket fortress, anyway. Kylo was at the door and a black shirt that had ‘CAMBRIDGE’ emblazoned across the front. Even across the room his dark eyes looked sad.

I turned away. “It happened again, didn’t it?”

 “Yes. You fell and you were covered in sweat by the time the medication started working. I didn’t want to leave you that way so I helped you shower. I’m sorry.”

That explained the bloody lip. I ran my tongue over it again, wincing when it stung and I tasted copper. It would be the same way if I had to stay in a mental institution, or maybe worse. Kylo at least had an interest in seeing me recover, but total strangers didn’t care very much. Thinking about it made my stomach turn and I groaned, sliding further under the covers.

 “Thanks,” I mumbled. “So when does this become bad enough that I have to be sent somewhere? My parents obviously won’t be able to handle it if you can’t.”

The bed depressed near my feet. I peered out at Kylo, who had his hands clasped loosely in his lap and was gazing out the rainy window. He was… smiling.

 “I still can,” he said. “I do know of a few good hospitals but there’s no need for you to go to one of them. I’ll have to speak with your parents about you staying with me on a more permanent basis. You could still finish college, and you’ll be much safer.” He looked at me, somber again. “I worry quite a bit about you, Rey. If these episodes happen and you hurt someone, or yourself, or the police are called… It won’t end well.”

Armie wasn’t going to like that. He’d insist that I stay with him instead, or even opt that I go to a mental hospital instead of living with Kylo. It wasn’t a terrible idea at this point. I’d only had one episode at home and managed to wander off before Kylo found me. Thankfully the police didn’t.

 “I could still go to school?” I asked.

 “Probably. Clearly anxiety is a strong trigger for you, so you’ll need to take it easy and it may take you longer than normal to graduate.” His expression hardened and he rubbed his mouth. “And I need to have a long talk with your friend, Armitage.”

 “He’s gonna have a stroke when I tell him all this.”

 “I’m more concerned he might try to kill me at this point.” Kylo patted my leg and stood up. “I’m going to call your parents. Get up whenever you’re ready and we can have breakfast. I think it’s time we moved on from London and went somewhere with more sunshine.”

My eyes bugged out of my skull and I flew up in bed as Kylo reached the door.

 “We’re leaving?!” I exclaimed. “W… Why?!”

He gestured vaguely. “It’s dark, rainy, and I’m getting sick of eating fish. Some extra sunshine will be good for both of us, Rey. If you’re going to live with me, we’re going to be traveling.”

 “But… isn’t travel going to make me more anxious?”

 “Perhaps.” Kylo shrugged. “But I think dredging around in Maine feeling sorry for yourself and trying to avoid Armitage is going to have worse outcomes. Don’t you?”

We stared at each other for a while and it got increasingly tense. I wasn’t sure what to make of him anymore. He seemed to be genuinely invested in helping me, and maybe it was because of what Ed had said. We had a lot in common and both of us had suffered the same type of mental illness. But our relationship had crossed the line and I doubted his therapeutic objectivity.

But what were my other options? Go home and inevitably have another mental collapse, torturing my parents in the process, or voluntarily go to a mental hospital and accept the risk of something happening to me there. Both of those places wouldn’t let me go to school. Kylo would, and he was good to me. But there was something just under the surface of his skin; something I couldn’t quite pinpoint…

Kylo cocked his head. “Something wrong?”

 “…No. Just thinking.”

 “About?”

I opened the drawer next to my bed to take out a hair band, avoiding his eyes. “It looks like I don’t have many options. Psych ward or stay with you.”

 “Yes, those are the two options you will ultimately end up with. That’s the way mental illness works sometimes. The Abilify is helping, but it isn’t a miracle drug, and your episodes are persisting.”

 “Yeah, I get all that,” I said, standing up. “But I don’t understand _this_.”

 “Elaborate. I can’t read your mind.”

That was surprising, because it always felt like he could. I looked at him incredulously and saw him looking back like he hadn’t the faintest idea what I was talking about. Fine. We’d get into it.

 “You were standoffish when we had our sessions together back home,” I said. I pulled my hair into a sloppy ponytail and stood up, glaring out the window at London. “Now you’re kissing me. I’m getting whiplash from all these mixed signals.”

 “What do you not understand?”

I threw my hands up and Kylo tried to hide a smile, but it pissed me off even more when I saw it.

 “Psychiatrists don’t usually make out with their patients!” I snapped. I held a hand up and started listing things off, finger by finger. “ _Or_ tell them they imagine them in a skirt, _or_ bring them to goddamn Europe, _or_ let them live in their house, _or_ —”

 “I care about your wellbeing,” Kylo interrupted. “That upsets you?”

 “It’s doesn’t make any fucking sense. And I don’t think kissing me is important to my ‘wellbeing’.”

He broke into a grin. “It helps your self-esteem, doesn’t it?”

Ooo, I wanted to punch him. I stood there, face screwed up in frustration, then stormed past him out of the bedroom. Kylo laughed and grabbed my arm before I could get down the hallway and I protested and wriggled around. He pressed me against the hallway wall with his body weight and held my face in his hands, seeming to enjoy my rage like I was a kitten batting at a lion.

 “Let go of me!” I hissed.

 “You look like you could use a self-esteem boost.”

He kissed me harder than the other times. I tasted blood, probably from my own lip, but it didn’t seem to bother Kylo. Weak as I was, my fingers settled loosely on Kylo’s hips as he slipped his tongue in my mouth and pushed against me again. I felt pressure on my stomach and my ears reddened.

We kissed for a few minutes and he broke away, leaning his forehead on mine and trapping me in his eyes. I stared back at him and swallowed hard.

 “Let me care about you, Rey,” he murmured. “It’s such an alien feeling to me.”

I frowned. “Caring about someone is alien to you?”

A buzzing sound interrupted Kylo before he could respond. His facial expression transformed from relaxed to a sort of violent rage that made me shrink away from him. He growled under his breath and let me down to stalk over to the intercom by the door and see who was calling him.

The voice that came across made my heart skip a beat. “I’m looking for Rey Everson.”

Kylo shot me a hide-melting glare. “Did you tell him where I _live_?!”

 “No!” I said, panicking. “How did he even get here so fast?”

 “Fuck if I know!” Kylo snapped. He ran a hand through his hair and swore again before waving me off. “Go get dressed. I can’t just ignore this little prick.”

Jesus, that was an overreaction. But I nodded and headed down the hallway, heart racing, then kicked my door shut. Fucking Armie was already here—and how did he find us?! If mom or dad told him the address I’d have to kill them. Did I tell Rose? Maybe she told him.

I came back out of the bedroom in jeans and a blouse and my hair and teeth brushed. Kylo was dressed, too, and he was waiting by the door. I hurried over to wait with him for Armie and Kylo glanced at me, then suddenly grabbed me and shoved me up against the door, kissing me deeply. I squealed in surprise as his hands went in my hair, and—

The doorbell rang. Kylo let me down, smirking, and gestured for me to move. I struggled to contain my hair again, flustered beyond belief as he opened the door.

Armie didn’t look at me for a minute. His blue eyes drilled into Kylo’s as he stepped inside the flat, soaked to the bone from rain. He looked thinner. The glare between him and Kylo could’ve melted steel. I gasped at the sight of him looking so bedraggled and brushed past Kylo to fuss over Armie like I did when we were kids. For a rich kid, he looked kind of homeless.

 “What the hell?!” I shrieked.

I stepped between him and Kylo and Armie blinked and looked down at me. His anger faded away. I started peeling off his jacket without asking permission and looked over my shoulder at Kylo, who hadn’t moved and had a cold smile on his face.

 “Don’t you have something he can wear?” I asked. “Didn’t you bring anything, Armie?”

 “I’m much taller than him,” Kylo said with an edge in his voice.

Armie smiled and stopped me. “Rey, it’s ok, I was just wandering around trying to find this place. I actually flew in a couple days ago and I’m staying in a hotel.”

 “A few days ago?” I echoed. “So, you followed me here?”

 “Rey-Rey,” Armie said, invoking my pet name, “let’s go talk somewhere else. We haven’t seen each other since…” His eyes flickered up to Kylo. “…when we had sex. I want to talk to you privately.”

 “Armie, I’m still not feeling well; this isn’t—”

Armie grabbed me by my arms. “Come on, Rey, just for a few hours.”

 “She had a psychotic episode last night,” Kylo said. He sighed from behind me. “And I’m sure she’ll have another one today after this level of anxiety.”

Armie started getting angrier and I waved my arms, shaking out of Armie’s grasp and out from between the two of them. I stood a few feet away and rubbed my face. Fuck, they were both overwhelming me. I needed some space. I needed to get away from the testosterone.

 “Cut it out!” I snapped. I crossed my arms and took a steadying breath. “Armie, we can talk for a little while. Mostly so you change and don’t get pneumonia and, so I can figure out why you decided to follow me to Europe when we weren’t even talking to each other. But if I start feeling sick, I have to leave, and you need to bring me back here.”

Kylo shrugged. “That won’t be necessary.”

Armie and I watched him go into his bathroom and come back with a small zippered pouch. He set it on the kitchen island and opened it to take out three needles and a clear fluid with a label I couldn’t read. He shook it and turned it upside down to draw some of the fluid in the barrel of the needle. It reminded me of giving animals vaccines.

Kylo capped the needles and zipped up the bag again to hand it to Armie with a frigid smile. “This is Haldol and will abort a psychotic episode. Forgive me, but I remember when I was twenty-four and in medical school, I’d already started giving injections. Do you know how, or would you like a demonstration?”

 “I know how,” Armie said in an equally icy tone, taking the bag.

 “Oh. Excellent.” Kylo glanced at me and put his hands in his pockets. “Anywhere accessible on the body will work. Upper arm is best, but…” He rolled his eyes and sighed. “Rey can be so hard to restrain that sometimes it’s best to inject into the back of her thigh.”

Armie grabbed Kylo by the front of his shirt before I could intervene. Kylo looked down at him, indifferent, and I tried to pull them apart.

 “You better not be restraining her,” Armie snarled. “I’ll rip your fucking head off!”

Kylo grinned. “I’m doing _lots_ of things to her.”

 “All…” I squeezed between them and shoved Armie away, panting. “…All legal and medically necessary! Come on Armie, let’s go before you pop a blood vessel.”

 “I want to see this magical BuSpar,” Armie said, resisting me pushing him towards the door. “Where’s the script? Where can I find BuSpar that makes me act like I’m drunk?”

 “I think you’ll need something stronger to control your paranoid delusions,” Kylo said.

I glared at him over my shoulder, fumbling with the door. “Not helping, _doctor_!”

But I managed to get Armie out of the flat without him and Kylo exchanging anymore words. So much for a fucking vacation.


	22. I am your opus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> catching this up with PNN

It took a long time to get Armie to calm down. The more I looked at him, the more haggard he seemed—and paranoid. Thankfully he wasn’t staying very far away from Kylo’s flat and I managed to get him inside and upstairs before our argument got too loud out on the street. It was still only around noon so people were out and about, and staring at me whispering urgently to my shouting friend.

It was a chain hotel and I was happy to see it was clean inside. The room was split up into a tiny apartment with a full fridge and stove to cook on. There were two beds, too. Armie started taking off his clothes when I shut and locked the door and I frowned.

 “Why two beds?” I asked. Him being naked didn’t bother me. We’d taken baths together when we were toddlers and Armie had been opposed to wearing clothes as a kid.

He dropped the wet clothes in a pile and went to one of the dressers to pick out clothes. “I want you to stay here. Then we’re both going back home tomorrow.”

I didn’t say anything. He needed to shower and warm up before I refused. Armie walked past me to the bathroom and went in to do just that, and I took out my phone when I heard the water running. My heart was racing. Kylo hadn’t done a very good job placating Armie’s paranoia. He was encouraging it.

Rose was calling. I picked up and winced when she shrieked my name.

 “Jesus, Rose!” I snapped.

 “Rey, Armie was already in London!” she said, breathless.

 “Yeah, little late for that.” I looked over my shoulder at the bathroom and sat on the end of the one of the beds. “He’s been here for a few days, I guess. Followed us here. He keeps talking about Kylo drugging me and I thought they were going to beat the shit out of each other.”

Rose whistled and I heard rustling. “Sounds like Armie’s going off the rails. Finn and I went to see him right after the whole incident and his mom said he wasn’t eating. Too bad your two lovers wanna kill each other, huh? Kylo could hook him up with some Xanax, you could have a three way—”

 “Not helpful!” I interrupted, ears reddening. “Anyway, I’ve gotta go. I need to figure out what the hell I’m going to say to him. Text me.”

She laughed. “Duh, I wouldn’t miss this soap opera for all the money in the world. Good luck, Rey! So proud of you driving all these men crazy!”

I scowled and hung up on her without saying anything else.

Armie came out of the bathroom a few minutes later, dressed and looking somewhat better. He dried off his red hair and sat next to me on the end of the bed, running his hand through it to plaster it down. I’d had all that time to plan but I didn’t know what to say.

 “He seems nice,” Armie said sarcastically.

 “You weren’t exactly being polite, either. You stalked us here and somehow found his house and showed up with no warning. You came in and immediately got in his face and wonder why he wasn’t being nice to you? Come on, quit being obtuse.”

 “I called your house the day after the lake house,” Armie said. He clasped his hands together and squeezed his fingers. “Your mom said Kylo had suggested you stay with him for a while, until the episodes were under control. She wasn’t happy to be away from you but he convinced her it was the safest option. Rose said you were upset and I worried he would… y’know, take advantage.”

It was quiet in the hotel room and the afternoon sun was spiraling inside, spilling warmth across our laps. I looked down at my palms and realized I’d forgotten to take my Abilify. I didn’t want to hear it from Armie. Mom was very protective of me and if she trusted Kylo and dad trusted Kylo, then I did, too. He said he cared about my wellbeing.

 “I have two options,” I said after some silence, keeping my eyes on the floor. “This isn’t stopping any time soon and it’s going to be too much for my parents. Either I have to stay in an institution and be cut off from everyone, or I can stay with Kylo and finish school. I’m getting better but if something happens at home and the police get involved or I hurt someone, it’s all over.”

 “Stay with me.”

I looked at Armie and laughed a bit, wiping away tears. “At Albany Med? That won’t fly.”

 “I’ll put school on hold,” he said as he reached out to touch my thigh. He looked dead serious. “I’ll stay with you at Cornell. We can live off campus—my parents will help—and I can take care of you.”

 “No. I’m not ruining your life and mine.”

Armie took my hands in his and now his eyes were welling up with tears. “Every day that I wake up and know you’re still living there is ruining my life already. I love you. I’ll marry you right now so no one will ever put you in any mental hospitals. I will spend every second of the rest of my life taking care of you.” He squeezed my hands and looked down, struggling not to cry. “Something isn’t right. You’re not safe.”

My chest felt tight watching him cry. There’d always been feelings simmering beneath the surface for both of us but we never said anything to one another. I’d triggered something in Armie and I didn’t know what it was, but it was painful to see. I was making him go crazy, too.

I pulled my hands free and crossed my arms, sniffling. “I love you, too, Armie, but this is not the way it’s supposed to be. You have to wait for me to get better. I understand if you can’t.”

Then he shook his head fiercely and got down on the floor in front of me, kneeling, to grab my forearms. His cheeks were streaked with tears and his blue eyes were red.

 “Don’t you understand?” he asked, shaking me slightly. “You’re not going to get better if you stay here, Rey. He’s _poisoning you_.” Armie gestured to the bag of Haldol. “He said that’s haloperidol, right? It’s a strong antipsychotic and it takes half an hour to an hour to work. And if it’s injected, it should last for weeks at a time. It doesn’t cause amnesia.”

 “That’s the BuSpar,” I said in a trembling voice. “And… and I just have memory gaps because of the illness. The medications help me relax.”

Armie kept shaking his head. “BuSpar takes weeks to work. It isn’t used for acute illnesses. Rey, he’s lying to you. He’s drugging you.”

Before I could keep insisting that Armie was wrong, my head suddenly felt like it was in a vice and my brains were about to pour out of my ears. I bit down hard and almost took off my tongue.

_It’s dark and I’m surrounded by pill bottles. I’m reading labels but I can’t remember them. He’s in the doorway, then, and he laughs. It’s… wet and warm… then I’m passing out on the floor and he’s standing over me, reading my phone, and he laughs again. Mumbling… “…you’d be too fucked up to do anything but drool on yourself.”_

I was lying flat on my back on the bed when my eyes popped open and I took a deep, rattling breath. Armie was kneeling next to me, panicking, and I groped blindly for his hand. Memories clawed at my brain again and I whimpered in terror as more screamed to the surface.

_He’s standing in a doorway, eating, watching me flailing, and there’s blood spewing out of my wrists. I beg for help and he doesn’t move. Eats. His mouth is on me and I’m terrified. He pushes me down on my knees and I am choking on him. He’s on top of me and slaps me and there’s blood again._

_“…They’ll rape you.”_

Then I realized that I was screaming and no longer on the bed. I was in a closet and my fingers were tangled in my hair and it felt just like the very first episode. My thoughts were passing too fast for me to make any sense of them and Someone was banging on the door and I started digging my fingernails in my forearms, hoping I could kill myself before he could get to me.

Pain was nothing. I felt only fear and only wanted escape. I dragged deep bloody gouges through my skin and could hear other sounds—beeping, buzzing, a clinking belt. The memories my mind was struggling to make sense of were lost in the din but still eating away at my deepest self; the part I couldn’t get away from.

_Han looks at me in Kylo’s house and his eyes are distant and sad. I don’t know why. He always seemed so happy before. Why is he sad?_

I’d done a lot of damage when I heard arguing outside the door. Muttering echoed around my head but I paused and squinted, trying to separate the voices. Blood ran down my arms in watery crimson rivers. I heard the door handle shimmy and the crunch of a key in the lock. My throat was raw but I managed to start crying and squirmed backwards against the wall.

A sliver of light shone into my fortress and I saw Kylo peek inside at my eye level. He smiled when he saw me and his eyes flickered down to my bloody forearms. His jaw shifted and tightened and he drew back out of the closet, leaving it partially open. I could see a couple pairs of shoes.

 “She ripped up her arms,” Kylo said to someone. “It doesn’t look serious enough to warrant an ambulance ride that will make her worse. Get some bandages and hydrogen peroxide. Maybe a few stitches.” He paused. “No, leave the Haldol.”

I covered my face when he looked back inside the closet and smiled again. His skin looked green and his eyes looked red. My body was shivering and I felt like I’d pass out.

 “Rey,” Kylo murmured, “what do you feel?”

 “…I don’t know.”

He opened the door more and I could hear someone crying in the background. Some of the shoes moved forward and Kylo stiffened and turned around.

 “Get out!” he snapped. “You’re all useless at this point—except whoever’s bringing me the things to fix her arms.” He waved and pointed. “Armitage needs to be admitted to the hospital. He’s delusional.”

For some reason, I freaked out again. I screamed and started going for my thighs and Kylo burst into the closet to restrain me. I made some bloodcurdling sounds and managed to escape from him, making a mad dash for the closet door. The shoes all scuffled back and I heard people yelling to each other.

Kylo’s hand came down on the back of my neck—hard. The air rushed out of my lungs and I was stunned enough that he could straddled my back and pin my arms next to my head. I looked up, woozy, and saw three police officers with their guns drawn and pointed at me.

 “Now I need the fucking Haldol!” Kylo barked.

One of the officers grabbed the pouch and fumbled with a needle. Kylo shifted to press his knee into the center of my back so I couldn’t move and I wailed mournfully.

Armie was on the bed and he stood up. “You’re hurting her!”

 “Well it’s better than being shot,” Kylo retorted.

The needle bit me in the shoulder and I cried into the carpet, covered in tears and blood. He snapped his fingers and demanded another needle which was injected into my other arm. Time slipped by and soon he took his knee off me and stood up, leaving me lying on my stomach on the floor.

 “I hope you’re happy,” Kylo said to Armie as the police escorted him out.

 “You’re doing something to her!” Armie shouted, wrestling with the police officer. “I’m gonna prove it one way or another!”

Kylo turned to the only officer left. “Make sure he’s committed for an evaluation. He’s from the US so contact his parents and let them know. I’m sure they’ll be here tomorrow to get him.”

 “Is she… ok?” the officer asked, leaning over to look at me.

 “She will be. Thankfully that moron had the common sense to call me.”

The medication started working soon after that. An EMT came into the room to check on me and I was relaxed enough that she could do the bandaging right there. I’d torn long gouges into my arms, but they weren’t as deep as I thought they’d been and didn’t need stitches. She was nice and talked to me, but I was worlds away, staring off at the blood trail I’d left out of the closet.

I was left alone with Kylo in the room. He looked around and then down at me.

 “Well that didn’t take as long as I thought,” he said. “I figured you’d be together at least two hours before he drove you to this. But it worked as planned, regardless. Are you sleepy?”

It was a lot of Haldol. I nodded slowly and just sort of hung there, sitting up but vacant. Kylo extended his arms to me and I stared up at him for a couple seconds before reaching out to him, too. He picked me up like I was a kid, one arm under my butt and the other around my back. My legs hung loose around his hips and I rested my head on his chest, closing my eyes.

 “We’re not too far from home,” Kylo said. We turned back and forth a bit and he kissed the side of my head, making my whole scalp tingle. “I’ll clean you up before you pass out for the rest of the day. How does that sound, sweet girl?”

 “Mkay,” I slurred. “Night.”

He started rubbing my back as we left the room, humming something I didn’t recognize, and I fell asleep before we reached the lobby.


	23. Lady Lazarus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soon it beGINS

My feet didn’t touch the ground once during the short walk back to the flat. I was only semi-conscious but could see people watching us while we walked. Kids stared openly. It was broad daylight, after all, and I looked like I was either drunk or on drugs. Kylo was talking to someone on the phone and effortlessly supporting me with his other hand. It was another doctor.

 “…Thanks, Ted,” Kylo said. He shifted me on his hip and laughed at something the other person said. “She’s fine; she’s my patient. The kid followed us from Maine and I figured he should be evaluated. Just keep him until his parents fly over and they can figure it out. Can’t have him out and about.”

We arrived at the flat a few minutes later. Kylo had already hung up with his friend and carried me in the front door. I stirred, eyes rolling back, and he shushed me, dropping the keys on the island.

 “I already called your parents,” he said. “They agreed that it’s best for you to stay with me, and I’m sure when I tell them about this they’ll be even more sure. Armitage called me from your phone—crying hysterically, the police were already coming. Thankfully I wasn’t far away.”

 “Okay,” I mumbled.

He carried me down the hall to his bedroom and gently laid me on the bed. I didn’t feel high or dizzy, just extremely sleepy and relaxed. My memories weren’t slipping in and out of my head. I blinked slowly at the ceiling as Kylo moved around the room and wondered if I’d remember.

Everything after Armie told me Kylo was drugging me was a blur. I didn’t remember how I got in the closet or why I decided to do it. Now Armie was being committed for an evaluation so my efforts to not ruin his life were going up in flames. My eyes watered but I was too tired to cry. I closed my eyes and tried to will them back in my tear ducts.

Kylo reappeared, standing over me, with another set of my pajamas. He was smiling but frowned when he saw me holding back tears and set the clothes on the bed beside me. He knelt and pulled me into a sitting position—the same way Armie had been when I had my meltdown.

 “What’s wrong, Rey?” he murmured. His hands were on either side of me but not touching.

I shook my head and it felt like it weighed a thousand pounds. “I’m tired.”

 “Because of the Haldol?”

 “I don’t know. I’m just tired.”

I started to lean forward, too weak to stay upright, and Kylo quickly grabbed me as I slumped over. He laid me on the bed again and I stared off into space. I’d never felt so hopeless. I didn’t even feel like breathing. Where was the medication that made me happy and laid back?

 “I’m going to have to help you,” he said. “Your parents won’t be happy if I let you drown in the bathtub. Is that ok?”

 “Sure.”

 “Can you undress yourself?”

Probably, but I didn’t feel like it. I made a feeble attempt to take off my shirt and it ended up halfway over my head before I let me arms collapse back at my side. Kylo laughed and pulled it back down to unbutton it and took off my jeans, too. I still had my bra and panties on as he left the room and went into the bathroom. I was aware of what was happening but felt like a zombie.

He came back and helped me to my feet. I caught a glimpse of the bloody bandages on my arms and my lower lip quivered but Kylo didn’t notice. I hobbled into the bathroom and twisted my neck after Kylo sat me down on the closed lid of the toilet. There was some steam hanging in the air and it was humid. Again I had a brief flash of deja-vu and I moaned and rubbed my face.

Kylo looked over his shoulder at me, turning off the water. “Are you okay, Rey?”

 “Yeah…” I winced and shook my head. “I keep having deja-vu and it’s just really disorienting.”

 “Hmm. That’s strange.” He walked back over to help me stand up and casually reached around my back to unhook my bra, furrowing his eyebrows. “Maybe we should try something instead of Abilify.”

My ears heated up and I started to defrost when my bra slipped off. I folded my arms over my chest and shrugged, looking anywhere but at him. “I didn’t take it today. Forgot.”

 “Ah. Still, maybe something else will help. I gave you quite a bit of Haldol so it’s going to make you feel very blank and sleepy.” He tugged my panties off my hips and gravity brought them down to my ankles. “I thought my days of stripping people were over when I went into private practice.”

 “Surprise,” I grumbled.

Kylo beamed and led me to the bathtub, where he had to help me get in so I didn’t fall and smash my face open to match my arms. I settled in up to my nose and stared glumly at the opposite end of the tub as he knelt beside it, pushing back his sleeves. I swatted his hands away when he tried to help me wash my hair but grimaced when I reached to arms back. He took over and I floated there, frustrated.

After my hair was clean he started on my arms, gingerly lifting them out of the water. It was bubbly from the shampoo and gradually turning red from my blood.

I glanced at him. “Does this count as trying to commit suicide?”

 “It depends. Were you trying to commit suicide?”

 “No.”

 “Then, no.” Kylo threw away the old bandages behind him and reached into the cabinet under the sink to take out a new roll of gauze and some other things. “Psychosis can drive people to do bizarre things. Some people are in a constant, less dramatic state of psychosis, and some people have breaks with reality like you do. It’s all very different.”

I’d shredded the shit out of my forearms, like a pissed off cat. Nothing was really deep, though. I looked at the nails on the hand Kylo wasn’t washing and saw dried blood under them. Gross. I dipped them in the water and started trying to get it out by myself.

  “What’s happening to Armie?” I asked.

Kylo raised his eyebrows. “Well, that’s up to his doctor, but he’ll probably be held for evaluation for at least 24 hours. His parents should be here by then to decide what they’d like to do.” His dark eyes roamed to mine but I wouldn’t look at him. “It’s not your fault.”

 “Sure, it is,” I said. “I made him go crazy. He was just trying to help me, and this is what I do to him.”

 “He’s delusional and he’ll get the help he needs. These things happen in your early 20s—it’s a time of big changes: physically, emotionally, psychologically. It’s not Cornell’s fault that you had a psychotic break, just like it’s not your fault that Armitage has become delusional.”

My fingers were almost clean. I rolled my eyes. “They were definitely key factors.”

Kylo had my arm washed, cleaned with hydrogen peroxide, and dried. He was starting to bind it again in gauze and smirked at me.

 “Okay,” he said, “don’t believe the doctor. Also, don’t roll your eyes.”

I glared right at him and rolled my eyes again. He rested my cleaned arm on a towel on the edge of the tub and picked up the other one to repeat the process.

 “Did you give people baths, too?” I asked derisively.

 “Yes, when I was still a student.” Kylo washed off the blood with a cloth and it was starting to stain the water red. “I’m being strictly professional, Rey. You’re hurt and you’re too tired from the Haldol to do much besides staying above water.”

 “Hmph.”

He poured some hydrogen peroxide on the cleaned arm and laughed. “Guess it’s making you a little agitated. I’m almost done.”

The next arm was finished soon after, as promised. Kylo drained the water and I waved him off when he offered his hands to me. I clung to the edge of the bathtub and pushed myself to my feet, trembling, but standing on my own as the water receded from my ankles. Surprisingly, he kept his eyes above my neck and insisted on helping me step out of the tub.

I dried myself off and frowned when Kylo offered me one of my shirts.

 “That’s… going to be hard to get on and off,” I said, turning my forearms face up.

He nodded in agreement and went back to his bedroom to get something else. I put on my panties in the meantime and was stepping into my fleece pants when he came back with a shirt. It was black—and for whatever reason, my heart skipped a beat.

Kylo set the shirt aside to help me pull up my pants. It was weird how just having my arms all fucked up made it so hard to do simple tasks. He reached around me with his shirt and slipped my arms inside. I pouted, annoyed with my inability to do things, as he clasped a few of the buttons of the front to keep it closed. No dignity, no fine motor skills. I was becoming a toddler.

He ran a hand through my damp hair. “Want me to dry this?”

 “Nope. I’m going to drench all your pillows.” I shook my head a little to send some water flying. It made me dizzy and I wobbled on my feet.

 “Revenge is sweet, isn’t it?” He grabbed me around the waist when I almost fell over and sighed in a short, irritated breath. “But if you crack your head open, you won’t be able to enjoy it.”

I scowled and shrugged away from him, leaning on the sink for support. “I forgot that you wanted me to let you care about me because you’re not used to it. Do you usually not care about your patients, or is it people in general? What about your mom and dad?”

It seemed to strike a nerve. Kylo rolled his eyes—a first—and gestured towards the door. “Please lie down before you fall.”

Hmph. Suspicious. I narrowed my eyes and teetered past him, glaring on my way out the door. He motioned behind me in a ‘hurry up’ way and I made it out to his bed. I decided that would be a good place to keep badgering him and climbed on top of the comforter, wincing when my arms protested. Kylo turned on the TV.

 “Nice bed you have here,” I slurred, having a harder and harder time resisting the Haldol. “It’d be a shame if someone… got it wet.”

The room seemed to waver and turn black for a split second. When it came back, things were… off. Colors were brighter. I felt lighter. Kylo seemed annoyed, which was impossible, because he never let me see when he felt much of anything.

He looked at me with pity. “Go to sleep.”

 “Nope. Tell me.”

 “I just don’t, Rey. Yes, I care about my mother. Drop it.”

Hmph. I scowled, thoroughly wasted, and crawled under the covers. “Fine.” I gazed at him in my stupor and smiled. “I need a cuddle buddy.”

Kylo was standing at the end of the bed. He didn’t look amused. “Go to sleep.”

The Haldol had me convinced that I wanted him—which I did, anyway, but even more so with the medication keeping common sense at bay. I licked my lips and crept towards him on my hands and knees, giggling to myself. He stood there like a stone and barely blinked.

I rose up on my knees and rubbed his shirt between my fingers. “I’m not tired.”

 “That’s a lie.” He looked kind of angry.

 “All I want is a cuddle buddy,” I whined. I batted my eyes at him and his jaw shifted. “Please?”

 “No.”

 “ _Please?_ ”

Kylo’s eyes flickered to my lips. “…Fine. Five minutes. Go lie down.”

I squealed excitedly and hurried back to crawl under the covers. Kylo rolled his eyes as he approached the other side of the bed. There was some sitcom playing across the TV as he slipped into bed beside me and I eagerly sidled up to him. He sighed like I was inconveniencing him as I snuggled my head under his chin and tried to wrap my arms around him. His chest was hard and warm.

 “This is nice,” I murmured.

 “Nice like a heart attack.” Kylo put an arm under his head and looked at the TV. “Go to sleep, Rey.”

 “I am!” I inhaled deeply—he smelled so good, like pine trees. “You’re impatient but you smell nice.”

His other arm wrapped around my shoulders, keeping me curled against him, but he still looked pissed off. “That will be comforting when I lose my job.”

I frowned and looked up at him. “But… we’re just cuddling. I won’t tell anyone, anyway.”

 “Sure. Go to sleep.”

Kylo was starting to annoy me. I was pretty and smart and young, so why was he blowing me off? My frown became a scowl and I shifted over so I was straddling him. He grabbed my hips with both hands to keep me from teetering off him and I saw his jaw tighten again.

 “Don’t you like me?” I whimpered. I moved around and felt hard heat between my legs.

 “Stop, Rey.” His eyes rolled back. “For fuck’s sakes, stop!”

He pushed me down briefly, squeezing my hips, then shook his head and shoved me off him. I collapsed next to him in bed and my lower lip quivered. His dark eyes flickered to mine and he sighed, rubbing his eyes with his free hand.

 “I thought you liked me!” I wailed, bursting into tears.

 “You’re making me hard,” Kylo snapped. “Kissing you is entirely different from rubbing my dick against you. Don’t be obtuse.”

 “You hate me.” I sniffled, on my stomach, and wiped my eyes.

He was watching me, hungry. “I don’t hate you, but we need boundaries, Rey. I can’t just…” He groaned and rubbed his eyes again, shaking his head. “Normally I would, but…”

I batted my eyes and sniffled, tugging on his sweatpants. “I just want to cuddle.”

 “I have to remember not to give you anymore Valium,” he muttered.

Valium? I laughed and rolled over on my back, arching up so the shirt slipped down past my stomach. One of his dark eyes watched and he sat up, shaking his head and rubbing his face. The sitcom—I think it was _Friends_ —was still playing in the background.

 “Cuddle with me,” I whispered.

 “I think you want more than that.” He glanced at me over his shoulder and it was one of the few times I saw him look distressed. “ _Please_ go to sleep.”

I shook my head and beamed. “Not until you cuddle with me.”

Kylo suddenly got out of the bed and paced at the end of it, running a hand through his hair. He was… shaking? “I’ll come back when you come down from the drugs.”

I sat up. “But… but…” I threw back the sheets and climbed out of bed and almost fell over. “Don’t go; I don’t want to be alone!”

Kylo caught me when I almost fell again at the foot of the bed and squeezed my upper arms. He hesitated, then cupped my face in his hands and kissed me. I grabbed his shirt and pressed against him and he made a pained sound before breaking away and shoving me back on the bed.

He kept shaking his head, more upset. “Rey, I can’t. You’re putting me in a really shitty position.”

 “I won’t tell anyone,” I pleaded. I could barely keep my eyes open.

 “I know you won’t.” Kylo was hovering near the door and wouldn’t look at me. “That doesn’t make it okay. You’re not thinking straight.”

I clambered out of bed again and tentatively approached him. Kylo was very guarded. Why?

 “We can just lay there,” I said. The room was spinning. “That’s all.”

 “Not with you giving me a hard on.” He backed up. “Go to bed. I’ll come back in a few hours.”

It wasn’t fair. I wanted him and he wanted me, so what was the problem? It didn’t stop him from kissing me. I sniffled pitifully and reached out to touch his sweatpants, yearning to be touched, and Kylo huffed irately. He seized my wrists and bore down on me like a black cloud.

 “Stop,” he said in a quiet, threatening tone, “or you’ll regret it.”

 “You’re awfully crabby all of a sudden.” I yanked my hands free, drawing pain from my forearms, and brushed past Kylo into the hallway. “Fine, we’ll leave it up to chance. If you catch me, we don’t have to cuddle and I’ll leave you alone. Deal?”

A weird expression settled on his face. He turned, eyeing me as I backed down the hallway.

 “Fine,” he said. He raised his eyebrows. “You better move faster than that, Rey.”

It was like a game to me, but Kylo looked increasingly stressed. I squealed in fake fear and ran towards the other end of the flat and he caught me near the couch. He pinned me against it and kissed me aggressively, gripping the edges of the couch to cage me in place. He drew back and jerked his head towards the hallway leading to my bedroom.

 “Best two out of three,” he said. “Run.”

I giggled, still entertained, and ran past him towards my bedroom. But I changed paths and went into the spare bedroom, and Kylo burst in after me and snagged my waist before I could get away. He dragged me to him, ensnaring me in his arms, and kissed me more deeply than before. We staggered back towards the bed and I felt him hot and hard and insistent on my stomach.

Kylo broke the kiss and leaned his forehead on mine. “Is this what you wanted?”

My knees buckled at the edge of the bed but I managed to turn around before he could get on top of me. He dragged me back to him and kissed me again and his arms were back around me more tightly than before. I was delirious with excitement—and, of course, from the medication.

I tried to pull away, but he held me fast and moved on to kissing my neck.

“Aren’t you gonna tell me to go to sleep?” I asked.

 “You still have one more try.” He loosened his grip and nodded towards the door, unwillingly letting me go. His eyes were bright like black ice. “I’m a man of my word, Rey.”

When I didn’t move he smacked my behind. I squeaked in shock and darted out of the room to my bedroom right around the corner. Kylo peered inside, hands in his pockets, and I ran back out. He watched me circle the living room, looking for somewhere to hide, and go back to his bedroom to crawl under the bed. I knelt on the floor and yelped when he lifted me up.

Kylo dropped me on the bed and pinned my hands next to my head. It made my arms hurt but I didn’t care that much. He smiled down at me while I laughed and wriggled around. He was still standing up between my legs and I was bent halfway over the edge of the bed.

 “Now what am I going to do with you?” he mused.

I was breathless. All my irritation from earlier was gone as the Haldol… Valium?... whatever it was—did its work. I squeezed his hands and swallowed hard.

 “You could… do whatever you want,” I said.

 “I should, since you’re so intent on teasing me.” Kylo leaned back, releasing my hands, and looked away. “Go to bed.”

My heart sank. I stood up and skittered for the door, hoping my hair would hide my humiliated face. Now how was I supposed to face him in the morning? Ugh, what was—

Kylo suddenly grabbed the back of my shirt. “My bed.”

 _What?_  I turned a little to look up at him, surprised, and he raised an eyebrow. My pulse quickened and after I stood there like an idiot for a few more seconds, Kylo rolled his eyes and let go of my shirt to slap my butt again. I jumped in surprise and my ears reddened.

 “Hey!” I protested. “You can’t—”

He did it again and squeezed this time, yanking me against him. His other hand tangled in my hair. “Why not?” He pressed his forehead to mine, searching my eyes, and smiled. “You could use some punishment.”

My heart practically stopped. I wasn’t afraid—just floored that those words came out of Kylo’s mouth. I also had no fucking idea what to respond with. A few minutes ago he couldn’t stop complaining about being near me, and now he did a total 180 degree turn. I just kind of gawked at him like a moron and waited for whatever he would do next.

Kylo kissed me again, deeply, and groaned under his breath. Heat flooded through me at the sound and his hands wandered to the small of my back, thumbs slipping around to my hip bones. He pulled me against himself again and broke the kiss to twist his neck and roll his eyes.

 “This is a bad idea,” he sighed, examining the ceiling. “Usually I’m not this impulsive.”

It seemed like he was fighting with himself, but he closed his eyes and took another breath and started kissing me again. He took a few steps forward until the back of my knees touched the edge of the bed and reached past me to pull back the sheets. I was trembling a bit and felt lightheaded as he kept kissing me and paused briefly to pull his shirt over his head. My fingers brushed his abs and I thought I’d faint.

Kylo paused and glanced down at my hands. He took my wrists gently to kiss them and placed my palms on his muscular chest. I knew I was about as red as a tomato and anxiously looked down at the floor. I was gonna have a fucking stroke.

 “You’re so quiet,” he murmured. “Are you nervous?”

I nodded slightly. It was still light out and the medication was wearing off, making me feel exposed. He smirked and pressed his lips to my forehead, and I swallowed hard. I was still kind of drowsy from the injections but my nerves were fighting off the urge to sleep.

 “Are you sure… about this?” I asked in a meek voice.

 “I’m sure—it’s you I’m concerned about.” Kylo touched the buttons on my shirt—his shirt that I’d borrowed again—and smiled. “May I?”

He moved through the buttons deftly when I nodded and slipped his hands inside the shirt. His fingers crept around my back and he was kissing me again. I didn’t have a bra on and when he pulled the shirt off I shivered from the cold. My head was spinning—was this really happening? It felt real: but it also felt too good to be true.

Kylo’s belt clinked as he worked it open between holding my face while kissing me. His pants fell to the floor in a heap and he tugged mine down without saying anything, hooking his fingers over my panties to take them off, too. He moved on to kissing my neck and lightly rolling the skin between his teeth. I clung onto his chest like my life depended on it and wished I had more damn drugs to calm me down.

His deep laugh rumbled into my fingertips. “I see the medication has worn off.” He kissed my jaw and then his breath was on my ear. “You’re not going to just lie there, are you?”

 “Um…” I trailed off and drew my fingers down his chest. “…I’m not sure.”

He shook his head. “Tsk, tsk, Rey.”

Then Kylo stepped closer and I felt his bare, hot, hard skin on my stomach and I collapsed on the bed. I was a bundle of nervous excitement as he followed, confident in every way, and turned my hips so my head was in the pillows. He knelt between my legs and hovered over me, hands on either side of my head, and smiled.

 “You know what they say.” Kylo touched his forehead to mine again and his dark eyes had me captivated. “Be careful what you wish for: it just might come true.”


	24. I could not see to see

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ............normal

_GET AWAY FROM ME GET AWAY FROM ME GET AWAY FROM ME GET AWAY FROM ME_

With a frantic, strangled shriek, I woke up in darkness. There was a blanket on me and I threw it off, trembling like a leaf, and pain lanced through my head. I hissed and grabbed both sides of my skull and suddenly and inexplicably felt afraid of… _something_.

I tangled my fingers in my hair as snippets of a nightmare trickled back to me—Kylo, blood, vomiting… him following me around… What the fuck? Didn’t we… I thought we…

My eyes popped open as I remembered something less gruesome. Kylo chasing me around, whispering in my ear, climbing on top of me… But was it real? It felt wispy and distant; like I’d imagined the whole thing. I squeezed my eyes shut and swallowed hard. What the fuck—

 “Good morning, Rey.”

My head snapped up too fast for my stomach. It rolled in protest and I groaned and collapsed on my side, curling into a ball. I squinted across the room at the hazy figure leaning on the wall near the door.

Kylo was wearing dark jeans and a grey long-sleeve shirt wrapped back to the elbows. He otherwise looked kind of disheveled—his hair was messier than usual, and his beard was thicker. His dark eyes were tired. The sight of him made me shiver in excitement and I wondered if I really had dreamed up our entire encounter. The blood and vomiting felt real.

I tried to smile and it came out as an ugly wince. Everything hurt. Why did everything hurt?

 “I had a really fucked up dream,” I groaned. “How long have I been asleep?

He checked his watch and sighed. “That’s probably because you’ve been in and out of episodes. You’ve been awake on and off for the past…” He clicked his tongue. “Thirty hours?”

_I’M A PSYCHOPATH_

I jumped back at the loud intrusive thought. It was like someone shouting in my ear. Another jolt of pain went through my brain and I struggled to hold back tears. Why did I want to cry? What the hell was wrong with me? And how had I been sleeping for almost a day and a half?

 “I think… I think something’s wrong,” I said in a wavering voice.

 “You’ve had a heavy dose of antipsychotics. Unfortunately, they don’t come without side effects.”

I’d felt it before: the sensation that there was something in my head trying to claw its way out. But it was stronger than ever before, and I couldn’t bear it. I started crying and pulled on my hair, doubling over as my mind thrashed and tried to bring back whatever was too painful for me to acknowledge.

_SHE DOESN’T WANT YOU_

I could see flashes of blood. My throat hurt, and my mouth tasted like toothpaste. I remembered vomiting… When did that happen? Was it in my nightmare…? No, it felt so real, just like the stinging pains in my throat and the soreness in forearms. Trembling, I held my arms out to see the bandages were wrapped up to my elbows. I vaguely remembered them being further down.

 

Kylo sat down next to me on the bed—I was more in the middle of it—and I realized with even more confusion that I was in his bedroom. I squeezed my eyes shut and knitted my fingers together behind my neck, hanging my head. He touched my shoulder and my skin tingled. At least I was in my own pajamas.

 “Why am I in here?” I asked, tentatively glancing up at him.

 “My bathroom has a tub, so it was easier to wash off all the sweat and vomit.” He shrugged and smiled. “And when I tried to put you in your own bed, I found you crawling down the hallway back to mine. So, I figured it was easier to let you have your way.”

Fuck. I rubbed my eyes and wished I could remember what had happened. I’d been experiencing memory gaps but nothing like forgetting an entire day and a half. Armie’s paranoid voice whispered in my ears and I tried to shake it out. No. It was me. I was sick.

But still, I had to know about the… more pleasant dream. I looked at Kylo again and felt my ears turn red. Goddamn he was attractive, especially when he was unkempt. He was still smiling and gently rubbing my back while I tried to summon up the courage to ask my extremely awkward question.

I cleared my throat. “So… I had another dream. I mean, one was a nightmare, and one was a dream.” A weird, nervous laugh came out of me. “D-depending on your _definition_ —”

 “Let me guess,” Kylo interrupted, standing up. “It was violent? That’s a common side effect of antipsychotics.”

 “Well, part of it was.”

 “I’m a psychiatrist, Rey, not a dream interpreter.”

Ugh. I scowled at him and winced when another jolt went through my head. Man up, Rey.

 “Fine,” I snapped. “I had a dream that we…” My annoyance faded and I felt shy again. “We, uh… y’know… slept together. But it seemed kind of… real?”

Kylo blinked, speechless for the first time since I’d met him. He usually didn’t let his poker face slip and I immediately realized that my dream had in fact been a dream. Oh god.

I waved my hands. “Sorry, sorry! I know it’s crazy.” I threw back the sheets and scrambled out of bed to scurry down the hallway and hide in my bedroom.

He grabbed my hand before I could walk past him. His eyes were stern and oddly, confused. He furrowed his brow and captivated me with his dark, glittering eyes.

 “Rey,” Kylo said, “it’s important that you understand that that did not happen.”

 “I know, I know! Jesus. Sometimes the dreams seem real.” I tugged my hand free and kept walking down the hall, humiliated. “Don’t worry, I remember the embarrassing bath well enough.”

On my way down the hall, I noticed odd stains in the carpet that I didn’t remember seeing before. Weird. Maybe I puked there.

Obviously, because it was his house, Kylo followed me out to the kitchen. I went to the fridge to look for something to eat and he shook his head and pointed at the stools around the island. Hmph. Rude. But I hopped up on a stool and leaned on the cool granite, folding my arms as a chin rest. My head still hurt, but that was probably because I was so hungry.

 “I’m sorry that you found it embarrassing,” Kylo said as he took out some things to make grilled cheese. “But it was necessary. You were at least aware enough when I brought you to the restroom, and you had some water here and there.”

 “Great.” I slouched down lower in the stool.

 “You had a very stressful event occur.” He went back to the fridge and flipped a bottle of red Gatorade in his hand, then set it in front of me. “This isn’t a setback.”

 “Sure feels like it,” I muttered, sipping my Gatorade.

Kylo turned on the burner and sprayed the pan, glancing at me over his shoulder. “I know.” He turned back and took out a few slices of bread. “I find your dream much more intriguing.”

 “I don’t. I find it to be the _opposite_ of intriguing.”

He laughed and shook his head. “Well it felt real enough that you asked me if we actually had sex, which—” He shrugged “—isn’t exactly repulsive to me, but wildly inappropriate. Remember my lecture from the other day? Or were you on your phone like every other person under 30?”

His back was still facing me. I slowly drank my Gatorade and sluggishly thought of all the weird comments Kylo made to me on a daily basis. ‘Wildly inappropriate;’ yeah, sure.

I sniffed in disdain. “No, I was not on my phone. I listened until Ed came to get me. Why don’t we talk about the blood and vomiting and stuff?”

 “That didn’t feel as real, did it?”

 “…No,” I acquiesced.

Kylo was buttering the bread and dropped it in the pan with two slices of cheese and some ham. He added a slice of tomato and started on the next one. I became riveted on the way the muscles in his back rippled when he moved. He was still talking while he made my food but I just stared, getting lost in a daydream about how deep his voice was, and how he towered over me, and how his arms—

The clink of a plate on the counter snapped me out of it. I sat up straight as a grilled cheese slid in front of me, along with a napkin. Shit.

Then Kylo leaned on the island across from me and rested his cheek in his hand, tilting his head to smile at me. “Daydreaming, Rey?”

 “Uh… yeah.” I took a bite of the grilled cheese and mumbled a ‘thanks.’

 “You’re welcome.” He eyed me for another minute before going back to the stove to get his food. “You know, you didn’t tell me whether or not this dream distressed you.”

 “I mean, I wouldn’t say it was distressing. Just weird.”

He sat down next to me and his arm brushed mine. I nibbled on my grilled cheese and he took a bite of his, chewing thoughtfully and looking ahead at the wall. I glanced at his forearm resting on the counter and noticed he had some scratches running down his arms. Maybe from my freak out.

 “You know,” Kylo said after he swallowed, “we haven’t had a session of talk therapy in quite a while. Maybe it would be helpful to do so tomorrow afternoon. Ed and Olivia should be stopping by with the paperwork for your scholarship, and my siblings will be in Monday morning. It could relieve some of your anxiety.”

 “Sure.” I flinched when my stomach protested the food. “I think I’ll slip into a coma if I have any more medication.”

 “Yes, but the worst is over. Armitage is getting the help he needs and should be comfortable at home by the weekend. You and I can leave Tuesday.”

 “I hope he’s ok,” I said, picking at the last bits of my grilled cheese.

We finished eating without saying anything else. Kylo took our plates and put them in the dish washer and I hopped off my stool. I figured I’d watch TV before going back to bed. I was still drowsy and there wasn’t much else to do. Rose was probably still awake and willing to chat, too.

 “Back to bed?”

I stopped near the hallway and turned. Kylo was smiling and cleaning his hands on a towel.

 “Yeah,” I said. “I still feel weird.”

 “Oh.” He looked out towards the living room. “I was going to watch a movie. Would you like to join me?”

 “Um… sure. Just gonna brush my teeth and shower.”

 “Of course. Your arms should be ok to be unwrapped. If they’re still sensitive I can bind them again.”

All I could manage was a small smile. I went back to my bedroom to pick out clean lounging clothes, including panties and a bra, and went in my bathroom to clean up. I definitely looked tired, but I wasn’t filthy, thanks to Kylo’s intervention.

The room spun a bit as I unwrapped my arms and threw out the bandages. It was cold in the bathroom so I started up the shower and laid my clothes out on the counter. I took off my clothes and left them in a pile near the door—I needed to do some laundry—and checked the water temperature before stepping inside, shivering.

My arms looked like hell, but they weren’t bleeding. I turned them over and brushed my hands across the scratches, amazed that I had done it to myself. Everything was a blur. Most of the episodes I couldn’t remember clearly, but losing an entire day and a half was downright terrifying.

The shower curtain suddenly pulled back.

I whirled around to find Kylo right behind me, naked, and drawing the curtain back into place. He smiled as I gawked at him and cupped my cheeks in his hands. What the… what the _fuck_?!

 “Hello, Rey,” he murmured.

His lips were on mine in the next second and his arms wrapped around me, pressing us together. Shocked, I could only manage to rest my hands on his biceps as he deepened the kiss and groaned in my mouth. Kylo lifted me up and turned to push me against the wall of the shower, holding me there with his hips, and his hands tightened on my thighs.

I pulled back and looked up at him, nearly stupefied. “I don’t… I don’t understand.”

Water cascaded down Kylo’s shoulders and across his chest. His hair was so thick that the water could hardly penetrate it and slid down his back instead. He smirked.

 “What’s there to understand?” he asked.

 “…A lot?” I shifted around in his grasp and reddened. “Don’t you need a condom?”

Kylo shrugged and kissed my forehead. “Don’t worry, Rey. I’ll take care of you.”

I blinked, and I was standing alone in the shower.

Disbelief rained down on me along with the water and I brushed my soaking hair back across my head. My eyes were wide and I was speechless. What just happened? Did… did Kylo really come in the shower, and I lost time? Or had I imagined the entire thing? It felt so real. How could it be imaginary?

I quickly finished washing myself and hurried to get dressed and bind my hair in a towel. The bathroom was foggy and I didn’t see any signs that Kylo had walked in. The door was still shut.

My heart pounded as I made my way back out to the living room, afraid of seeing Kylo with dry hair and his clothes on. What did that mean for me? I was still on a lot of Haldol, so if I was having hallucinations that were that graphic, I was in trouble. It wasn’t normal It wasn’t…

I stepped into the main living space to see Kylo sitting on the couch. His back was facing me but he turned when he heard my feet and smiled. He was dry and fully dressed, albeit in sweatpants and a t-shirt now.

 “I picked out a comedy,” he said. “Something with Will Ferrell, I think.” He frowned and cocked his head. “Is something wrong, Rey?”

Tears welled up in my eyes. Holy shit. There was something seriously wrong with me.

Kylo got up quick and crossed the room in three strides. He definitely hadn’t been showering. I managed not to cry as he gently guided me over to the couch and lowered me down. He sat next to me and covered me with a blanket, eyebrows knitted in concern.

 “Is it your arms?” he asked, stretching an arm across the back of the couch and leaning towards me.

I shook my head and laughed bitterly. “No, I was prepared for that.”

It was too hard to admit to, especially after what I’d said when I woke up. I looked down at my lap and a few traitorous tears dripped on my pajama pants. Then I noticed Kylo’s hand hesitantly reach out to take mine and give it an encouraging squeeze. I glanced up at him and his dark eyes were sad.

 

 “You can tell me,” he said.

My lip quivered and I had to avert my eyes. “…I had a really vivid hallucination. I thought…” I paused and had to swallow down a sob. “I thought you were in the shower with me.”

Kylo’s other arm wrapped around my shoulders when I started crying from admitting the mortifying thing I’d experienced. He kissed the side of my head and I leaned into him, struggling to get a hold of myself. It felt so real. How could it have been imaginary? Either I was getting so bad that even Haldol wasn’t working, or I’d built up some kind of resistance to it.

 “It’s okay,” he murmured. “Haldol can cause hallucinations in high doses, Rey. I’m sure it will all stop when the medication wears off.”

 “I’m so tired,” I sobbed. “I just want it all to stop!”

Kylo tightened his grip, both arms now around me, and pressed his cheek to the top of my head. “I know, I know. I wish I could take away the pain.”

We were both quiet for a few minutes. My crying jag petered out and left me drifting off to sleep on Kylo’s chest. He loosened his arms and kissed the top of my head again. It was nice. The flat was quiet and the only light was coming from London outside.

 “Are you sleepy?” he asked in a teasing tone.

 “Mhm.”

 “Sleep, then.”

He held me against him to bring his long legs up on the couch. I was basically a sack of potatoes at that point and just blinked blearily as Kylo readjusted me between his legs so I was sprawled across him on my stomach, head on his chest. He fanned the blanket over us and reached over to the coffee table to turn on the TV. His upper body was hard but his body heat was comforting.

Kylo was lying down flat and had a pillow behind his head. He put an arm behind his neck and the other snaked under the blanket and then under my shirt. His fingertips felt like a feather as they came across my bra strap and he rubbed my back a bit. My skin tingled and warmed.

 “Do you sleep with this on?” he asked, incredulous.

I rolled my eyes. “No, I’m just bein’ polite.”

 “I’ve seen you naked. No need for modesty.”

He unhooked my bra like he’d done it a thousand times and I leaned up a little to slide it off my shoulders. I was tired from my cry and started to pull my shirt off before Kylo hurriedly stopped me and tugged it back down. His fingers touched my stomach and I shivered.

I teetered, on my knees between his legs, and yawned as I tossed the bra away. “There. Happy?”

 “As long as you’re comfortable, yes.”

Kylo readjusted the blanket when I laid down again. His hand went back under the blanket and my shirt and he moved his fingertips lightly across my back. I could see the movie from his chest but I was too tired so really care about it. I yawned and snuggled closer to him and he took a sharp breath.

 “Try not to move so much,” he said tersely.

 “I’m _adjusting_.”

 “Yes, well…” He stiffened when I moved again. “…Adjust less, please.”

I smiled smugly. “Why?”

 “You know why.”

The movie was starting to play. It was one I liked— _Talladega Nights_. Didn’t seem like the type of film Kylo would want to watch. I settled down for a few minutes, pleased that I’d bothered him, and sleepily watched the movie play. All I did was eat and sleep nowadays. I needed to go to the gym.

My human pillow stirred. “Did anything else happen during your hallucination?”

 “Aren’t you supposed to be quiet during a movie?” I mumbled.

 “Humor me, Rey.”

I shrugged. “I dunno. You came in the shower, we… y’know… and I suggested you use a condom, and you said—” I lowered my voice, mocking him “—‘I’ll take care of you.’”

Kylo laughed, and I could hear the air flowing in and out of his lungs.

 “Well there’s no potential for babies,” he said. “I had that issue fixed a few years ago. But I didn’t know my voice sounded like that.”

I frowned and turned my head to look up at him. “You really don’t want kids?”

Kylo drew his hand out from the blanket to curl my hair behind my ear. His eyes flickered to my lips and hesitated for a moment before going back to my eyes, and he smiled.

 “I didn’t,” he said. “Unfortunately, I may have changed my mind.”

My heart skipped a beat. I smiled faintly back at him and turned my head back to the side to look at the movie. Kylo kept his hand above the blanket and continued rubbing my back until I fell asleep.


	25. The truth must dazzle gradually

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ???? what's real???? what isn't real???? welcome to............... the twilight zone  
>  da na na naaaaaaaaa
> 
> also chap 29 is when it REALLY BEGINSSSSS which is like way too long but oh well

The nightmare came back that night. It was like it had been inserted in my brain. I twitched in my sleep, still lying on Kylo, and it came back like I was watching a movie. But I couldn’t remember when, or why, or how. It was a snippet; a flicker of a traumatizing memory…

_“You have to explain why you don’t care about people.” I pulled away from him, too dizzy to keep standing, and flopped back in bed. “Then I’ll cuddle alone, I guess.”_

_An odd, pensive look passed over Kylo’s face. I didn’t realize how deeply I would come to regret asking that question. His stress almost melted away and he smiled impishly._

_“You’re sure you want to know?” he asked._

_I nodded, yawning and snuggling under the covers. “Yeah, hit me.”_

_“Okay, Rey,” he said. “I’ll tell you exactly why.” He shrugged, walking to my side of the bed. “You probably won’t remember, anyway.”_

_A laugh track played on the TV and I raised my head to see How I Met Your Mother was on. He sat on the edge of the nightstand and pressed his lips together in a thin line like he was thinking deeply. His hands were clasped loosely in his lap. I kept one eye open because it was too hard to use both._

_He stared out the window for a few minutes before looking at me. He smiled._

_“I’m a psychopath.”_

_I blinked at Kylo for a few seconds then burst out laughing. He sat there and continued to smile, and it would’ve made any normal person feel ice down their spine, but I was too wasted from the Haldol to care. Yeah, right—a psychiatrist was a psychopath. Sure._

_Tears were in my eyes, but they were from joy this time instead of crying. I tried to contain my giggles and wiped my eyes, now turned on my back. He got me that time._

_“Oh my god,” I gasped, trying to catch my breath, “that’s just a bad joke, but I can’t stop laughing.” I shook my head and looked at him, grinning, and my smile faded a bit._

_Kylo was still smiling in the same cold, doll-like way. He tilted his head just a bit and I was reminded of a hawk eyeing an injured squirrel. It… didn’t look right._

_“I’m not joking,” he said._

_The hairs on the back of my neck stood up but I didn’t quite have the impulse to run yet. I sank down deeper into the blankets and kept trying to laugh, eyeing him nervously. Alright. Weird sense of humor._

_“Okay,” I said, “if you don’t want to tell me the real reason, don’t.”_

_“I am telling you the real reason,” he said without missing a beat._

_I stared at him as my mirth was replaced with a cold, sinking feeling. Kylo was still smiling: plainly, like it was rehearsed or sewn on his face. His eyes were like black holes—the sun coming in through the huge windows was swallowed up by them. The coldness settled in my stomach and leeched inside me, and even through the thick veil of Haldol, fear began to trickle into my veins._

_I slowly sat up in bed and shifted away from him, not looking away. Kylo didn’t move or stop smiling. Okay, his weird sense of humor was creeping me out._

_“This isn’t funny,” I said in a quivering voice._

_He blinked—the first signs of human life. “Well, it is a bit ironic.”_

_No… No, he was just fucking with me. I kept moving towards the other side of the bed and struggled to remember where my phone was. The medication made it impossible to remember much of anything. The fear oozing through my addled mind was lifting the shroud of confusion just a bit._

_“I don’t understand,” I faltered. “Are you trying to scare me?”_

_He rose from the end table, leisurely, head cocked to the side, black eyes cold and indifferent. “Why? Are you afraid?”_

_I nodded fast and smiled weakly, hoping it would make him stop pretending, and fumbled for the edge of the bed. Kylo took a few steps to stand at the foot of the bed with his hands in his pockets, watching me. He raised his eyebrows and a malevolent grin spread across his face, twisting his features into something monstrous._

_“Good,” he whispered. “You should be.”_

_A flip switched inside me and I was flooded with pure terror. It was like a thousand alarms went off at once and I scrambled out of bed. My palms were clammy, and my stomach was twisting—I was physically sick. The medications weren’t poisoning me. Kylo was._

_But there was nowhere to run. He was standing in the path of the door and I was too dizzy to stay upright much longer. I stood there, petrified, heart pounding in my ears, and Kylo sauntered towards me. Tears welled up and I started crying and shaking and I knew I was staring death in the eyes._

_“This… this isn’t funny!” I stammered, backing up against the windows. I stared at him and kept backing up along the window until my hands fell on the nightstand and I was cornered. “THIS ISN’T FUNNY!”_

_“You asked me a question and I answered it.” He cocked his head, mockingly ingenuous, still approaching me. “Were you expecting another response?”_

_The nightstand was in my way and my only other option was to try to dive over the bed. Terrified, I grabbed the lamp on the nightstand and threw it at him before trying to scramble back over the bed and make a break for the door. The motion made me almost vomit right there and Kylo seized my arms and twisted them behind my back. I started shrieking and thrashing on my stomach but he stood between my legs to avoid being kicked and violently twisted the skin of my forearms._

_Black spots erupted across my vision and I screamed shrilly as fresh blood quickly soaked the bandages. He yanked me off the bed and threw me on the floor and I hit my head on the way down. I struggled to get up, sobbing frantically, managing only to lift the upper half of my body on my trembling arms, and fell as he loomed over me._

_“What’s wrong, Rey?” Kylo asked innocently. He squatted down to my level and frowned. “You seem upset.”_

_Tears were streaming down my cheeks as I looked into his cold, evil eyes, and struggled to drag myself away. My arms were on fire and I could feel blood drenching the bandages but it didn’t matter—I had to get away from him. I cried and shook my head and I couldn’t get on my feet. The Haldol was making my head spin and I thought I might puke. Holy shit. This was how I was going to die._

_“Why are you doing this?” I choked. “What… what did I do?”_

_Kylo rose behind me and sat on the edge of the bed to watch me dragging myself across the floor. I couldn’t bear to look at him, but I had a feeling he was smiling again._

_“After all that hard work to fix your bandages,” he said with a sigh, ignoring my question, “you tear your arms back open. Oh well. After you pass out and I’m finished raping you I suppose I can fix it.”_

_I broke into more hysterical sobbing groped at the doorframe to drag myself upright. I swayed there, fighting to keep my eyes open and see through my swimming vision, and turned to see Kylo still sitting on the bed. His hands were clasped in his lap and he had a small, smug smile on his face._

_“Please don’t hurt me,” I sobbed, shaking my head, stumbling into the hallway. I had to look away from him to try to get my footing and I tripped and fell._

_He emerged from the bedroom, hands in his pockets. He could do whatever he wanted but he just kept following me around. I got a sick feeling that he enjoyed watching me squirm more than anything else: like a kid with a magnifying glass frying an ant._

_“What else do you think I’m going to do to you when you finally pass out?” Kylo murmured, standing over me._

_“Please… please…” I tried to drag myself down the hallway, but my arms gave out. The room was spinning. “…What did I do?” I started crying softly again and my voice broke. “I want my mom…”_

_He leaned his shoulder on the wall and crossed his arms over his chest. “Your mother was so happy to be freed from the burden of babysitting you that she cried when I called her to suggest our arrangement. She thanked me over and over—admitted that you were draining both her and your father and they were close to having you committed, anyway.”_

_No… no. I dug my fingernails into the carpet and forced my battered arms to cooperate and pulled my body another foot or two. It was fucking impossible but I was doing it. The world was moving too fast and I was like molasses. My fingertips reached the edge of the hallway where the carpet turned into cool wood and I felt so sick I had to lie down to rest._

_It felt nice to rest my hot cheek on something smooth and cold. Kylo circled around me and the sight of him was too much for my stomach. Thankfully I was lying on my side so I couldn’t aspirate the vomit. It didn’t do anything to help my mental state and now I felt dizzier and couldn’t see through the tears. I’d never been suicidal before—but right then and there, I wanted to die._

_“I want my mom!” I wailed feverishly. I rolled over on my back and screamed as loud as I could, absolutely desperate to stay conscious. “I WANT MY MOM!”_

_“She doesn’t want you. No one does—except me.” He laughed but I couldn’t see him. “And quite frankly, that’s not a very good thing for you.” His fingers brushed my hair and my skin crawled. “Go to sleep, Rey. You look tired.”_

_I took a few labored breaths in my final attempt to stay awake, but the Haldol finally snuffed out the last lights of consciousness._

I woke up in a cold sweat. I shuddered and clutched my head and a strangled scream tore out of my throat.

I was still laying on Kylo and he sat bolt upright at the sound, swearing, and grabbed me before I rolled off the couch and hit my head on the coffee table. The movie had ended and the news was playing in the background but the flat was otherwise dark and quiet. He wrapped his arms around me when I tried to squirm away and held me firmly against him, now with my back pressed to his chest.

 “Rey!” he said sharply. “Relax!”

That was exactly what I didn’t want to do. I tried flailing my legs and Kylo wrapped his longer legs around mine to hold them down. He then grabbed my forearms from the front, to avoid the gashes, and pulled my arms in opposite directions so they were restrained. His weight was on my back like a smothering blanket and he was practically hugging me.

I took a few frantic, gulping breaths and looked around wildly. Why was I having such fucked up dreams? There was no goddamn way that was a dream. When did it happen? How?

Kylo exhaled loudly, slightly out of breath. “Christ, Rey. You scared the living daylights out of me.” He swallowed and I felt his breath on my hair. “What’s wrong?”

 “N-nightmare,” I stammered, trembling. I tugged against his hold and couldn’t move. “No… it was real. That’s what all the blood was from…”

 “It was a _nightmare_. You’ve been sleeping off a high dose of Haldol for two days, and it’s going to cause some frightening dreams. It’s okay.”

It didn’t feel like a nightmare. It felt like a repressed memory or something. But the longer we sat there, the more I became convinced that it was probably just a product of my over-stressed and crazy mind. I kept shivering as Kylo slowly released my arms and unwound his legs from mine, but I didn’t have the same animalistic urge to escape. He sighed behind me and stretched his arms until they cracked.

 “We should go to bed,” he said. “Come on, I’ll bring you.”

I shook my head and grabbed his arms, pulling them back around my front. “No!”

 “Sleeping on the couch doesn’t exactly agree with my back.”

 “I don’t want to be alone,” I sniffled.

Neither of us spoke for a few minutes. I wasn’t just afraid of the nightmares. I was afraid of what I might do if I had another one.

Kylo finally sighed and withdrew his arms from me. “Fine, you can stay in my bedroom. But this is between you and me, and for one night. Understood?”

I wanted to make a snippy remark about all the times he’d made suggestive comments but just shut my mouth and nodded. If I had another nightmare I might jump out the glass windows in my haste to escape. Having another body around would be comforting.

We both got up and Kylo turned off the TV before he led me down the hallway to his bedroom. He looked tired, which wasn’t a state I was used to seeing him in. He ruffled his thick black hair and pulled back the sheets on the left side for me, then went around to the right to crawl under them. The blinds were closed so it was almost pitch black, save for light from the hallway.

The bed was even comfier than mine. I sank my head into as many pillows as I could, lying on my back, and sighed loudly. The ceilings were plain white.

Kylo was turned on his side, facing away from me. “…Something wrong?”

 “No.” I smoothed the sheets and nestled in. “Just getting comfortable.”

 “Ah. Goodnight, Rey.”

I glanced at him and mumbled a ‘goodnight’ back. It wasn’t as easy for me, but I did drift off a few minutes later to the sound of rain once again pattering on the windows.


	26. Or every man be blind -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reyyyyy u dumb hoe

The musical sound of rain on the windows woke me up in utter darkness. I had no idea how much time had passed, but I was groggy and felt kind of hot. Blinking blearily, I yawned and shifted my legs, only to realize that something very heavy had me half-pinned to the bed. The events from earlier in the night escaped me for a couple seconds until I heard Kylo groan in his sleep.

My sleepy eyes slowly widened. I was almost lying on my stomach and one of his legs was possessively hitched over mine. His arm was over my waist, elbow near my hip, and his fingers were loosely curled over the top of my hand. Sensations started returning to me, like my other arm underneath my pillow, and a nerve-wracking hard heat pressed against my butt.

Oh _no_. I bit my lower lip to keep from making a shocked squeak and wondered how the fuck I was going to get out from under him. He seemed to be dead asleep and I didn’t want him waking up and seeing the position we were in—especially with what was happening near my butt. Maybe it was best to pretend to be asleep. If he woke up and figured it out, it wouldn’t be as big of a—

Another groan from Kylo spooked me and I jerked back towards him just a few inches. Much to my terror, he stirred, and I felt his breath on my neck. He murmured something I couldn’t hear and then I felt his lips leaving drowsy kisses across my skin. My heart hammered as he leaned more of his weight on me, forcing me further onto my stomach, and his hand left mine.

Fingertips hooked over the edge of my pajama bottoms and Kylo’s other arm casually locked across my chest with his other hand latched onto my shoulder. He kept kissing me, mumbling, and nuzzled into my hair to inhale deeply. My eyes flickered down to his muscular forearm dangerously close to my throat and I touched it with my fingers, swallowing hard. Okay, I needed to stop him before it went too far.

 “Um… Kylo?” I whispered.

He didn’t give me much of a response, just another mumble. I started to panic when I felt my pants tugged down to the top of my thighs and his hand clumsily went back to his sweatpants. My palms were sweating, and I heard him sighing my name under his breath. _Rey… Rey… Rey…_

Overwhelmed, I did the only thing I could—bit his arm.

Kylo moaned and his arm around my chest tightened, flattening me against him. The hand near my pants went up to his face and I heard him ruffle his hair behind me and yawn. He stretched, popping his arms, and his hand returned to rest on my bare hip.

 “Rey?” he mused drowsily. A heartbeat passed, and he swore and was sudden disentangled from me. “ _REY!_ ”

I turned over on my back to see him sitting half-upright, drawn back like I was a venomous snake. We both stared at each other for another split second and I gasped and covered my eyes when I realized he didn’t have a shirt on. Kylo was swearing under his breath.

 “Don’t give me a dirty look!” I snapped, eyes still covered. “You were practically about to have sex with me!” I peeked through my fingers, glanced down at his muscle-bound chest, and reddened. “And why are you half naked?!”

 “I sleep walk when I’m stressed.” He heaved a sigh and the bed creaked slightly as he laid back down. “Go back to your room.”

 “What if you sleep walk into my room?”

 “Lock the door,” he said tersely.

I scowled and pulled up my pants before settling back under the comforter. Kylo glared at me as I petulantly crossed my arms under the sheets and looked up at the ceiling.

 “No,” I said. “I’m not going to be alone if I have another episode.”

 “I’m just down the hall. Don’t be difficult.”

 “Goodnight, Kylo.”

He turned on his side, facing me. “Rey. I won’t ask again.”

 “What are you going to do if I—"

Then, to my utter shock, I felt Kylo’s fingertips on my stomach: tickling me. I didn’t have time to protest before I descended into a fit of giggles and rolled on my side to try to get away. His fingers roamed and his touch was so light that it brought tears to my eyes. I grabbed one of his arms and struggled to pry it away, squirming towards the edge of the bed and pleading for him to stop.

The edge came sooner than I thought. My stomach did a nervous flip when I teetered over it, but Kylo seized me around the waist before I fell off. He drew me in close and I was still laughing and trying to recover, and he started laughing, too. It was dark and quiet.

 “That was uncalled for,” I said, stifling giggles. “But I’m still not leaving.”

 “I figured as much.” Kylo shrugged and smiled coyly. “But I had to punish you a bit.”

I waved him off as best as I could, but my hands were cradled together near his chest. “That was nothing. I’ve been tickle tortured many times.”

 “Have you now?”

 “Yup. It’s my weakness.”

Kylo’s dark eyes studied me for a moment and he pressed his lips together like he was thinking. Then his hand slowly slid down to my thigh and hitched my leg over his hip.

 “What other weaknesses do you have?” he asked, a smile touching the edges of his lips.

My head started spinning and I stared back at him, speechless. He shifted down and his lips brushed the side of my throat. My breath caught, and I touched his chest with my fingertips.

I could barely speak. “U-Um… I really l-like… cake?”

He laughed, kissing a line along my collarbone, and his other arm wound under my head. He tugged down my shirt sleeve and trailed up to my shoulder. The hand on my thigh was winding back and forth and squeezing every few seconds. I was lightheaded.

 “Do you want to know mine?” Kylo murmured, releasing my sleeve to slip his fingers under my shirt and stroke the small of my back in tiny circles. He kissed across my shoulder to my jawline.

I swallowed hard. “Um… Yes?”

He shifted closer, pressing hard warmth between my legs, and his lips were near my ear. I clung to his chest as best as I could and whimpered when he rotated his hips into mine. Holy shit. Were we…?

 “I have a weakness for Rey Kenobi,” he whispered, “and I would like to fuck her.”

My heart pounded so hard and fast that my ears rang, and I prayed to god that I didn’t lose my mind again. He raised his head from my neck to look into my eyes again and a few tense seconds passed as we both turned over in our heads what we were about to do. What would the consequences be?

Suddenly, Kylo kissed me hard on the lips and rolled over on top of me. I tangled my fingers in his hair like I’d always wanted to and slipped my tongue in his mouth, excited and anxious at the same time. He tugged on my pajama pants and I kept kissing him while trying to unbutton my shirt. My arms were protesting with jolts of pain but I didn’t care.

He laughed and went back to kissing my neck as I struggled with my shirt. “Impatient?”

 “Kind of,” I said.

He pulled my pants down far enough that I could shimmy out of them and kick them off the bed with my feet. I leaned up to shrug out of my shirt and held his shoulders to keep me upright so I could kiss his neck. His skin tasted faintly of alcohol; like the residue of cologne. Kylo groaned, and his deep voice sent shivers through me. I couldn’t believe it—was this really happening?

His lips were near my ear again and he ran his fingers through my hair. “I wanted you the day you tripped into my office. I could teach you about patience.”

I stopped kissing his neck and my hands slid down to his chest again so I could look at him. We were both half-sitting up and Kylo had his arms around me to keep me upright. I frowned and he smiled. The rain was beating on the windows now, casting sparkling lights across the dark room.

 “Really?” I asked incredulously.

Kylo cocked his head. “Of course, though I don’t make a habit of sleeping with every attractive patient I meet—none of them, actually.” He lowered me back down on the bed and pressed his forehead to mine, dark eyes searching mine. “But I have to have you. All of you.”

It was dizzying and exciting that someone like Kylo Ren wanted _me_. My chest felt tight. I’d had sex a few times, but none of them were so confident. And almost every single time had been… unpleasant. I shuddered at the thought as Kylo kissed a line between my breasts. It wouldn’t be that way with him. He wasn’t forceful and he’d never make me do anything against my will.

His lips traced across my breasts, teasing my nipples with his tongue, and I couldn’t suppress a small moan. Kylo’s dark eyes flickered up to mine as he took my nipple in his mouth and made small, torturous motions. I fisted the sheets in my hands when he went to the other breast and did the same thing for a few more minutes, then continued kissing down my body.

I shifted nervously. “Um, you don’t have to—”

 “Shh. You’ll like it.” Kylo smirked like something was funny and tossed back the sheets. “Trust me.”

Okay… I could do that. I had no reason not to. I rested my head in the pillows and gazed at the ceiling as Kylo slowly slipped off my panties. He murmured appreciatively and hitched my thighs over his shoulders. His hands curved around my ribs and then his mouth was _there_ , between my legs; feather-light kisses at first. My back arched and I whimpered, clawing at the sheets. His beard tickled.

I’d never experienced it, but for some reason, I felt a sense of deja-vu. I tried to push it out of my mind and stifled another moan when Kylo rolled his tongue upwards. He paused for a moment but kept going for what felt like an eternity. At one point, he took my hands in his and tenderly rubbed my pinkies with his thumbs. When he finally stopped, the sky was changing shade to dark blue and I was panting.

Kylo licked his lips and leaned back on his knees, gaze raking down my body. His abs led down in a v-shape that disappeared inside his boxer briefs, which he was starting to take off. My ears heated up and I looked out the window until he took my jaw in his fingers and tilted my head back.

He was leaning over me and the other hand was next to my head. He smiled and I managed a pitiful smile but for some stupid reason, tears welled up in my eyes. I didn’t know why—maybe because I was just overwhelmed, or remembering the other times I’d ‘had sex’, but it was humiliating.

 “What’s wrong?” he murmured.

 “I… I don’t know.” I wiped my eyes with my brutalized arms and shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m fine.”

Kylo laid down flat on me and his fingers slithered through the hair on the back of my head. He wiped fresh tears away with his thumbs and kissed my forehead. I touched his chest again and realized no man I’d ever been with had treated me so well. Kind of pathetic on my part.

 “I’m not going to hurt you, Rey.” His dark eyes were captivating me again. “I promise.”

I managed to nod and smile weakly again. Kylo kissed my cheek and rested his forehead on mine and looking into his irises was like tumbling into an abyss. He shifted his hips forward and his eyes rolled back for a split second as he slowly pushed inside me. I bit my lower lip as he moved on to kissing my neck and gently rocked deeper and deeper. It didn’t hurt, but it was a lot of pressure.

Kylo groaned into my skin. “Fuck, I forgot a condom.” He kissed me again on the collarbone and started to reach towards the closer nightstand on my side of the bed.

I took his cheeks in my hands to make him look at me and shook my head. “Don’t. It’s okay.”

Another thing I’d never done: sex without a condom. The thought of it sent a thrill through me. He hesitated for a second but soon his lips were on mine and any form of protection was forgotten. I wrapped my arms around his back and sank my nails into his shoulder blades as he began thrusting faster. He tugged on my hair and nibbled on my neck.

Time went by faster than it did during my episodes. I felt an odd sensation when I was underneath Kylo and realized, as heat spread rapidly through me and tingled between my legs, that I was finishing for the first time during sex. It was so surprising that I giggled under my breath and Kylo raised his head, hair tousled and eyes half-lidded, to laugh as his eyes rolled back.

I tried to catch my breath. “I’m sorry! I’m not laughing at you. That’s just, um… never happened.”

 “Shh. Relax, relax. I want to hear you.” One of his arms was propping him up and the other went under my butt to angle me up more. “And don’t worry—it will happen plenty more times before I’m done with you.”

The sun was starting to rise when I finished again, like Kylo said I would. His eyes were brighter than I’d ever seen them when he rolled over on his back and propped me up on top of him. Everything was new to me, and I felt like an idiot for being so clueless. But he seemed to enjoy it, encouraging me in a soft tone and never taking his eyes off me. I couldn’t help staring at his muscle-bound abdomen, sheened in sweat, and my heady gaze traveled to the coiled muscles in his arms. His hands were on my hips.

It happened _again_ when I was on top of him—and again a few minutes later. The sun was almost up when Kylo flipped me on my back again and kissed me hard before getting out of bed. I rested my head in the pillows and rubbed my face, trembling and sweaty. Holy shit.

The blinds silently began to close, blocking out the sun, and I glanced up to see Kylo walk into the bathroom. He came back out drinking from a paper cup, eyeing me, and crushed it when he was done. He dropped it on the nightstand and I struggled to keep my eyes above his neck when he offered me a cup. I drank greedily and he ran his hands through his hair and twisted his neck.

 “I’m not much of a voyeur,” he said, nodding towards the closed blinds. He took my cup when I was done and threw it carelessly over his shoulder, slipping back into bed on top of me. “And because you’re a bit innocent, I assumed you’d prefer the dark.”

I scowled up at him. “I’m not innocent!”

 “Don’t worry, Rey.” He abruptly pushed inside me, smiling when I gasped. “I love shattering innocence.”

We were in bed for a long time. I finished more times than I could count and was totally spent after the last one, lying slack, covered in sweat. Kylo leaned back to run a hand through his hair and looked down at me with an odd smug smirk. He got up again for water and I heard a cell phone start ringing somewhere. Satisfied but drowsy, I could barely raise my head to look around the room for it.

Kylo emerged from the bathroom again with more water. He finished his and tossed it again and opened the nightstand drawer to answer the phone while helping me drink mine. Some of it dribbled down my chin and he smiled and wiped it away without flinching. I clutched his hand to get as much of it as possible while he casually chatted with the caller.

 “Hi, Ed,” he said. “Still coming down today?”

I choked down the rest of the water and laid flat again, dizzy.

Kylo threw my cup, too, and sighed. “I do feel terrible for what happened to Armitage, but Rey is doing well.” He smiled down at me and ran his index finger between my breasts. “Yes, she’s still sleeping off the Haldol… Yes, she should be awake by one. We’ll see you in another hour.”

It was _noon_? Kylo hung up the phone and dropped it on the nightstand. I watched through heavy eyes as he climbed back on top of me and stuck two fingers in his mouth. He pushed them inside me and I gasped but couldn’t really move otherwise. They withdrew and he sucked on each one individually before leaning over me and filling me up with what I actually wanted.

 “We don’t have much time left, my love.” He smirked when I whimpered in response. “And it looks like I’ve worn you out.”

I nodded and smiled drunkenly. “It was nice.”

Kylo beamed down at me and brushed my hair away from my face. “See? You can trust me.”

I’d already been doing that without much of a second thought, but now I was positive that Kylo wasn’t out to get me like Armie insisted. There was nothing wrong—in fact, everything was even better.

I struggled to stay awake and it must’ve been obvious, because he moved faster and groaned into my neck. He reached out to grab one of the rungs on the headboard and his other hand kept his chest propped up over me. I watched the intoxicating sight of Kylo coming to completion inside me, relishing every swelling pulsation and the ecstasy across his normally stoic face as he groaned my name.

He panted and his Adam’s apple bobbed, smiling faintly, eyes closed. His hand slipped off the headboard and he caught himself before he collapsed on top of me. I stroked his forearms and noticed he was trembling. Pride flickered within me. I did that to him.

Kylo laughed and hung his head, shaking it slowly back and forth. “Christ, Rey. I’m shaking.”

 “Sorry,” I said sweetly.

He kissed my cheeks, forehead, and the tip of my nose, then lingered on my lips. My heart was so full of pure happiness that I thought it might burst. He… He actually liked me.

Kylo got up from the bed and guided me along with him into the bathroom. I was still shy being naked in front of him but he didn’t have the same hang-ups, given the unbelievable perfection of his body. He turned on the shower and kissed me again, yanking me up against him, and I was surprised to feel hardness on my stomach again. He groaned in annoyance and broke our kiss.

 “No time to indulge that, unfortunately,” he muttered. “But we do need to clean up.”

He helped me into the shower and kissed me under the water. My arms stung but the pain faded after a while. It wouldn’t have taken us so long to wash each other off if we didn’t keep stopping to make out. I didn’t know if I could feel any happier. My heart was bursting at the seams when Kylo ran his fingers through my hair and whispered compliments in my ear.

We were clean but making out against the shower wall when the doorbell pealed. Both of us looked quickly at the bathroom door like we thought they were about to walk in.

Kylo touched the small of my back to get my attention. He didn’t look worried.

 “Go back to your room and finish getting ready,” he said. “Take your time. They think you’re asleep.”

I nodded and reluctantly stepped away from him. I felt a sharp slap on my butt and spun around to see Kylo grinning fiendishly. He turned off the shower and shrugged.

 “You looked like you needed it,” he said.

 “…Thanks for that.”

The doorbell rang again and I hurried through the flat in just a towel, heart pounding. The line had finally been crossed. Now we had to see what the consequences would be.


	27. The Soul has Bandaged moments -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BABIESSSSSSSSSSSSS

It was like walking on air. I went to the bathroom to finish putting myself together and found myself dancing around in the process and feeling truly happy for the first time in a long time. Kylo I had sex, and it had really happened, not just in my head. All the warping and twisting of him my mind did was fake. He was amazing. He thought I was amazing. I shrieked into my hands in excitement.

I’d never been happy when I texted Rose about a guy, so it bummed me out that I couldn’t tell her anything. But I was happy nonetheless. Maybe I could use a codename for him?

There were voices coming from the other room. I put on a skirt because I was feeling pretty and a three-quarter sleeve pink blouse to help hide the scratches on my arms. After I slipped on some low-cut white socks and pulled my hair into a ponytail, I hurried out of my bedroom to see everyone.

They were sitting at the dining room table with a bunch of papers spread out. Ed was in a polo and jeans, and Olivia had a dress on with the periodic table printed all over it. Her red hair was in a braid over her shoulder and she was laughing at something her husband was saying, jangling the bracelets on her wrist. They had a few glasses of water and some pens lying around.

All of them looked up when they heard me, but Kylo’s eyes zeroed in on my skirt. He had his hands clasped in front of his mouth but I saw a smile at the corners of his lips. He was wearing dark jeans and a tight gray t-shirt that accentuated his arms. My heart skipped a beat as my mind wandered to the recent memory of those arms wrapped around me.

Olivia leapt to her feet, arms open. “Rey! It’s so nice to see you!”

I took a few more steps and she met me for a hug, drawing a laugh from everyone except Kylo. His chair scraped on the floor as he stood up and Olivia escorted me to the seat next to hers.

 “Good to see you,” Ed said with a smile, offering his hand for a shake.

 “You, too.” I returned the gesture and looked around at all the papers. “So… this is a lot.”

Olivia waved her hand dismissively. “We got most of the information we needed from Kylo, so all you have to do is sign your name a bunch of times. Like I said before, we’ll pay it out in a lump sum to your parents. You’ll take a hit from taxes but it’ll save more over the long run than increments.”

 “You got information from Kylo?” I echoed as she pushed the first set of papers in front of me.

 “Of course,” Ed said. “We would’ve called your parents, but a legal guardian technically takes precedence because of your age and illness.” He squinted and picked up a paper.

I frowned and looked out towards the kitchen at Kylo. He was heating something up in the microwave, leaning on the counter with his hands. He smiled and winked at me.

We’d already talked about me staying with him permanently, at least until the mental problems abated, but I didn’t know he’d taken legal control over me. Ice trickled down my spine as I realized what that meant. He could do whatever he wanted with my healthcare, my money, and _me_. Mom and dad were no longer responsible for me. But why would they—

_THEY DON’T WANT YOU_

I bit down hard on my lip and stiffened to keep from gasping in shock. It was the same shout I’d heard the day before. Olivia was still chattering away and offering me papers and I was managing to sign them through the confused muddle. Maybe I needed more Haldol.

After a few minutes, Kylo brought over a plate with chicken and some vegetables. He sat down on the other side of me with his own plate and idly watched me alternate signing, eating, and talking to Olivia. His presence next to me felt like a dark cloud.

 “Guess sleeping for two days makes you pretty hungry,” Ed laughed.

I paused mid-chew and exchanged a glance with Kylo, who started coughing after a sip of water and tried not to smile. Ed patted him on the upper arm and I went back to shoveling food in my face. Yeah… sure. It was all the sleeping that made me so hungry. Not Kylo and I having sex until I could barely move.

The paperwork was finished about half an hour later. Olivia reviewed everything with me again and put it all back in a folder, promising to email Kylo the copies.

 “We were actually going out for lunch,” Ed said as we all stood up. “Want to stretch your legs, Rey?”

 “You might want to put on some stockings,” Olivia suggested, pointing at my bare legs. “Cute skirt, though! I hate wearing pants.”

I agreed emphatically—I really needed some sunshine and fresh air. Kylo just smiled and watched me as I headed back to my bedroom to find a sweater and stockings. Thankfully my mom convinced me to bring both. She was always right. I put on ankle boots and met them in the kitchen.

We all got on the elevator. Kylo had on a black coat and stood next to me behind Ed and Olivia. They were chatting with each other and I smiled at the sight. What nice people.

Suddenly, I felt my skirt shifting. I frowned and looked down to see Kylo’s hand creeping under it to squeeze my butt. My eyes widened, and I glanced up at him, but he didn’t look at me, just smiled smugly at the back of his friends’ heads. My ears reddened, and I swatted his hand away as the doors opened.

It wasn’t disgusting out, surprisingly. Cool, but tolerable, and there was no rain. We walked down the street through throngs of people and I nervously pressed closer to Kylo. He touched the small of my back to guide me. Olivia and Ed were a few feet in front of us and loosely holding hands.

We had Italian food for lunch in a small, laid-back restaurant packed with other people. Kylo seemed relieved to not have to eat more fish and I ordered a salad for a change of pace. I chatted with Olivia and started feeling more normal than I had in weeks. She was easy to talk to.

 “Ed and I were supposed to go out tonight, but the sitter canceled.” Olivia sighed and rubbed her husband’s arm. “Oh well.”

 “I could watch them!” I ejaculated without thinking.

I loved kids, and theirs were adorable. They both blinked in surprise and glanced at one another.

 “Are you sure?” Ed asked.

 “Oh yeah, I used to babysit all the time when I was a teenager.” I beamed and wiped my mouth with a napkin, looking at Kylo. “Do you mind?”

Kylo shrugged, giving nothing away with his facial expression. “I won’t stop you.”

Olivia clapped and hugged Ed.

 “Thank you so much, Rey!” she said. “We can bring you over to our house so they have all their toys. Want us to pick you up around four?”

 “I could come over now so you guys can get ready in peace and have more time out,” I offered.

She practically jumped out of her chair to hug me and kept thanking me over and over. I laughed and returned the gesture while Kylo watched in a guarded way.

 “We do appreciate it,” Ed said when Olivia sat back down. He looked at Kylo and raised his eyebrows. “But maybe you should go, too. Just in case.”

 “Children. My favorite.”

 “Come on, Kylo, it’ll be good for you!” Olivia picked a fry off Ed’s plate, smirking. “Maybe it’ll change your mind and you’ll have a few melancholy mini-me’s running around sometime soon.”

It reminded me of our talk on the couch the night before. Kylo said he had a vasectomy, so that wouldn’t happen—unless it was reversed, which I knew only worked sometimes. I struggled to push out thoughts of having kids with him while he sarcastically thanked Olivia for her encouragement.

We finished lunch and went back to the parking garage under Kylo’s flat to get the car. Olivia drove and Ed sat next to her up front, while Kylo and I were in the backseat. He sat in the middle instead of on the other side, which didn’t seem to raise any suspicion from either of his friends. I clasped my hands in my lap and wished I’d remember my phone. But Jana and Tabby would keep me busy.

Kylo’s hand slid over my thigh as he talked to Ed. “We’ll be leaving Monday. Too much rain here.”

 “Really?” Ed replied. “Where are you headed? Back to Maine?”

I froze when his fingers crept under my skirt and between my legs. Holy shit—what was he doing?!

 “Somewhere tropical, I think,” Kylo said. “I promised Rey a vacation and this hasn’t been much of one.” His eyes flickered to me, bright and fiendish. “Right, Rey?”

 “Y-yeah,” I stammered as his fingers gently stroked me. Heat bloomed and spread through my body and I tried to cross my legs.

Olivia sighed. “That’s for sure. It was so gloomy this week. Where do you want to go, Rey?”

My breath caught when Kylo applied more pressure. He was perfectly calm, almost lazily gazing ahead out the windshield. I swallowed and tried to get a hold of myself.

 “Ah… Bermuda?” I squeaked.

 “We went there for our honeymoon!” Olivia exclaimed. “It’s beautiful; you’ll love it.” She laughed and took a left turn. “Not that you two are on a honeymoon.”

Kylo finally looked down at me, dark eyes hazy with lust. “It might seem that way.”

They kept talking to each other and I was lost in the conversation. I gripped the door handle and bit down on my lower lip, powerless to make him stop or move away. No… no…

He leaned over to whisper in my ear while they laughed up front. “Come for me.”

 _Fuck_. My body betrayed me in the next second and I hung my head to hide my eyes rolling back as I did what he said and it ebbed through me like a warm wave. He withdrew his hand while I leaned on the door and looked at the window, fighting to catch my breath without looking suspicious. It seemed like Olivia and Ed had no idea but I was still mortified.

We arrived at their apartment complex a few minutes later. Kylo got out and opened my door to help me out. My legs were trembling a little but I managed to put on a friendly face as we went upstairs. What was he doing to me? Did he think it was funny?

The girls were already with the sitter who couldn’t stay. She was relieved when Olivia explained that I was taking over and passed off a crying Tabby to me. I waved Olivia off when she offered to help calm her down and kicked off my shoes to go down the hall to her nursery, cooing to her. Jana gave both her parents a hug before running after me, yelling my name.

The nursery was all green and light brown. I sat down in a big rocking chair and let Jana crawl up to cuddle next to me while I grabbed a blanket for Tabby. I put it across my shoulder and turned her over to pat her back, hoping burping her would help with the crying. Babies were generally interested in four things: food, bowel movements, being snuggled, and sleeping.

It worked. I threw the bib aside to rinse off and returned Tabby to a more comfortable position in my arms. Jana leapt off the chair to start showing me all her toys and almost ran into Kylo as he turned the corner. He smiled and ruffled her hair when she hugged his leg, then she took off.

Kylo looked around the nursey with thinly veiled distaste. “This is… quaint.”

 “Haven’t you visited your friend’s baby?” I asked, slowly rocking the now slumbering Tabby.

 “He brought her over once.” He eyed the baby in my arms and frowned. “Is it asleep?”

 “ _She_ is asleep, yes. They’re pretty simple when they’re this small—just very vocal about what they want. Once you figure it out, they’re usually out cold five minutes later.” I nudged the edge of her blanket away from her face and beamed down at her. “She’s beautiful.”

Kylo sauntered over with his hands in his pockets to stand next to me and examine Tabby. Her skin was darker than Jana’s, more like Ed’s, and she already had some curly black hair. I touched her tiny hand and her fingers instinctively curled around my index finger.

 “I don’t see the appeal,” Kylo said after another minute passed.

I rolled my eyes and fretted over Tabby some more. “That’s why it’s good that you won’t be having any babies.”

He grasped the armrest of the chair and leaned over to smile at me. “We’ll see.”

Jana burst back in to the nursery at that moment with her arms full of stuffed animals and other odds and ends. She’d dropped some things in the hallway and demanded, with a insistent ‘please’, that Kylo help her pick them up. He looked kind of uncomfortable when she grabbed his hand but allowed her to drag him out to the hallway without saying anything.

It didn’t seem like a good time to ask him why the fuck he touched me in the car. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a good time to talk about anything that had happened. Kids heard everything, even if you thought they were asleep, and they were very good at picking up on unspoken tension.

I finally put Tabby in her crib for a nap when Olivia and Ed came into the nursery to say goodbye. It was close to three already—I couldn’t believe how long I sat with Tabby. They both thanked me again and said Jana currently had Kylo captive in her bedroom playing with Barbies. The front door shut when I walked down the hall to Jana’s room and peeked inside.

They were sitting on her fluffy blue carpet. Jana had a pile of toys behind her and was eagerly explaining the names and personalities of each, and Kylo was sitting in front of her, cross-legged, looking severely pained. I considered leaving him there to suffer but didn’t want Jana to suffer his presence, too, so I sat next to her and did a far better job pretending to take an interest.

It was a long day. Jana, like any other five-year-old, had endless energy. She took a particular interest in forcing Kylo to do different things, like play board games or let her paint his nails. I changed and fed Tabby around 7 and tried to put her down for good, but she wasn’t having it. Kylo made Jana a grilled cheese before she went to bed while I paced around and hummed to Tabby. Once when I looked up, he was leaning his chin on his palm while Jana chattered to him, gazing at me with interest.

Jana went to bed around 8 without much fanfare. She was too exhausted to resist sleeping. I went to help her change and offered the baby to Kylo, and saw genuine fear on his face for the first time.

I laughed. “She doesn’t bite. I even got her to sleep for you.” I pushed her into his chest and followed Jana to her room. “I’ll be right back. Try not to drop her.”

 “Child psychology never prepared me for this!” Kylo called.

I wasn’t sure if her parents wanted me to give her a bath, so I just helped her change and brush her teeth. She yawned and zonked out almost immediately. I turned on her nightlight and shut the door, surprised that I didn’t hear Tabby crying. I’d even left Kylo alone with her for a good 15 minutes.

They were sitting in the living room on Ed and Olivia’s much more comfortable couch. Kylo was looking down at her and I saw she had her hand around his thumb. He glanced up when he heard me and I sat down next to him, secretly wishing I could take her back. New babies were the best.

 “She’s… so peaceful,” he said after a pause.

 “That’s what happens when all you have to worry about is sleeping and eating.”

Tabby’s face suddenly contorted and she woke up crying. Kylo jumped a little and I got up to get her another bottle from the fridge. Olivia said she would drink it cold.

 “She’s either hungry or she wants a binkie,” I said as I sat back down, holding my arms out to take Tabby.

Kylo managed to tear his eyes away from her for a minute. “I’ll feed her.”

Huh. I gave him the bottle and narrowed my eyes, both jealous and pleasantly surprised. He was depriving me of new baby time, but it was… nice seeing him take an interest in her. I touched his hand to show him how to angle the bottle and Tabby, being a constantly hungry infant, latched on. In an even more shocking turn of events, Kylo laughed a little and smiled.

 “Her brain will almost triple in size this first year,” he mused. He glanced at me. “One of the few things I remember from child psychology.”

I smiled at him until he looked back down at Tabby, then frowned. He never smiled like that.

 “She has a lot of growing to do,” I said.

 “Yes, she does.”

We lapsed into silence. Tabby finished eating but was still squirming around, so I got a binkie from her nursery and offered it to Kylo to give to her. He had another delighted expression when she took it, like any normal infant, and I rinsed out her bottle and put it in the dishwasher. He never looked that happy about… anything. Was he sick or something?

More quiet minutes passed. It was almost 9 and Tabby had drifted back off to sleep. Kylo was stroking her hand with his index finger and still watching her like he’d never seen a baby before.

 “This is the second time I’ve felt this way,” he said, more to himself than me. He cocked his head. “Interesting.”

 “…What way?”

 “I’m not sure.”

 “World-renowned psychiatrist,” I muttered.

Kylo adjusted the blanket near Tabby’s face but didn’t look at me. “I already told you, Rey: I generally don’t care about other people.”

 “That’s comforting, coming from my psychiatrist.” _And man I slept with…_

 “Empathy holds psychiatric professionals back. It interferes with your objectivity if you attach yourself to every mentally ill person you treat.” His dark eyes finally settled on me. “You have a strange effect on me. And, evidently, so do infants.”

_I’M A PSYCHOPATH_

Another phrase from my nightmare echoed in my head and I felt a chill down my spine. No, that wasn’t true. He was just… weird? Like _A Beautiful Mind_ , not Hannibal Lecter. But not caring about people was a far cry from lacking empathy—and I knew what a lack of empathy meant. I tried not to let my suspicion show and shrugged indifferently.

 “Maybe you like fragile things,” I suggested.

 “…Maybe.”

Kylo also helped put Tabby in her crib. She was truly asleep now, snoozing on her back with nothing in her crib that might suffocate her. We both stood there and watched her for a few minutes in the dark.

 “I can see why you want to be a veterinarian,” Kylo said after a while. He looked down at me, amused. “You seem to have a fondness for fragile things, too.”

I shrugged, crossing my arms over my chest. “I guess. But the people who go gaga over the animals are the ones who end up failing out. Euthanasia isn’t much fun.”

 “I suppose you do need a hard exterior.”

We went back out to the kitchen just as Olivia and Ed arrived home. Olivia was tipsy and hugged me again, whispering about how fantastic I was for babysitting. Ed apologized and said he needed to get her in bed before she made a fool of herself. I gave him a rundown of the night and he laughed.

 “Ren held Tabitha?!” Ed laughed again and so did Olivia. “Wish you took pictures of it.”

 “He fed her, too,” I said, smirking up at Kylo.

Olivia gasped and covered her mouth. “Oh god—does he have a fever?!”

 “Yes, yes,” Kylo snapped, “it’s hilarious.”

We said our goodbyes to Olivia and Ed brought us back to Kylo’s flat. He sat in the front seat during the drive. After we were in the elevator, he reached out to gently touch my hand. We looked at each other, both smiling, and I doubted there was a single evil bone in his body.


	28. When too appalled to stir -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohhhhh noooo time to know wat

We were in the apartment for all of one minute when Kylo’s phone rang. He locked the door behind us and scowled at the phone number but picked it up, anyway. I pulled off my shoes and headed for my bedroom to get changed into pajamas when he suddenly grabbed my upper arm. I turned to look up at him, and he had the phone to his ear and a glib smile on his lips.

 “Wrong way,” he said. His eyes flickered away and he sighed. “Hello, Jaina.”

A female voice was coming from the other line. He looked annoyed and let my arm go to snap his fingers and point in the direction of his bedroom. My stomach did a nervous flip but I still frowned at him to show my displeasure in being directed like a dog. Kylo took off his coat to hang it up in the closet and exchanged some more terse words with Jaina, and when his back was turned, I skittered the other way to my own bedroom. He wasn’t the boss of me. Jerk.

I turned on the TV and rummaged through my clothes to find pajamas for bed. The housekeeper was efficient—I never had a pile of dirty clothes for more than a day. I laid my things out and went to the bathroom before getting changed. When I came back out, Kylo was standing at the end of my bed.

His hands were in his pockets, which I was beginning to realize meant he was irritated about something, and he was smiling plainly at me. He hadn’t changed out of his jeans and t-shirt.

 “Well, this is an invasion of my privacy,” I said, standing near the bathroom with my arms crossed.

He cocked his head. “Didn’t I direct you to _my_ bedroom?”

 “I’m not sure. I don’t know what t _his_ —” I snapped with both hands sarcastically a few times “—means.”

 “Ah, so simple miscommunication.” He sauntered over to me and stopped an inch away from my feet. I stared straight ahead at his chest as he leaned over to whisper in my ear. “It means ‘do what I say, or be punished.’”

My pulse quickened. Punished?

 “You better not tickle me again,” I said with a feeble laugh.

Kylo studied me for a good minute, shifting his jaw like he was thinking deeply about something. I was ready to run out of the room to avoid more tickle torture, even if it led to sleeping with him. But his expression suddenly changed, and he smiled. I relaxed and smiled back at him.

 “We’ll save it for a rainy day.” His dark eyes flickered down to my blouse and he rubbed the fabric between his fingers. “This is nice.”

I looked down at my shirt like I’d never seen it before. “Oh, thanks! Mom bought it for me in high school for some award ceremony, and I’m the same size that I was then, so—”

In the blink of an eye, Kylo shoved me up against the wall and cut off my rambling with a harsh, possessive kiss. I frantically grabbed the front of his shirt as he snaked an arm around my waist and picked me up without breaking away. He held me against the wall for another minute or two, then turned and staggered towards the bed. I smirked against his lips. I made him weak in the knees.

He stumbled when he dropped me on the bed, climbing on top of me, and we both laughed in between making out. I was beyond elated. I tugged impatiently his shirt and he impatiently tugged on my stockings until the fabric tore. It wasn’t a big deal: they were cheap. But I still gasped like I was highly offended, and Kylo moved on to kissing my neck.

 “That’s going to keep happening if you keep wearing skirts,” he mumbled into my skin.

I giggled, breathless. “So, I shouldn’t wear skirts, then.”

He leaned back to pull his t-shirt off and gazed down at me hungrily. “That’s just sacrilege, Rey.”

It was almost like last night had never ended. Kylo spent hours with me—with the skirt on, and without it—and again, time started slipping by in a haze. I half expected to wake up from a dream or another heavy dose of Haldol, but the very real and unmistakable sensation of him inside me kept me firmly rooted in reality. I torpidly wondered how I would brag about it to Rose. She wouldn’t tell. Right?

The black sky was mottled pink when Kylo finally collapsed beside me. I struggled to catch my breath and looked at him panting, too, chest sheened in sweat. He rubbed his face and groaned into his hands, laughed a little, then ran his long fingers through his thick black hair and glanced at me. His dark eyes sent an excited shiver through me as they traced down my body that was covered by a thin sheet.

He swallowed, and his Adam’s apple bobbed. “I want to show you something.”

I was surprised by the tone of his voice: quiet, and almost nervous. Stoicism was the bedrock of Kylo’s entire personality, as far as I could tell, and the small flickers of emotion and vulnerability I was occasionally privy to were… unsettling. Hearing the waver of trepidation in his words gave me secondhand anxiety, and I looked away at whatever show was still running on my TV.

 “Let me guess,” I said in a poor attempt to lighten the mood, “you’re going to introduce me to your wife.”

Kylo sat up and stretched out his long, sinewy arms, and I was tempted to reach out and run my fingers across his veins and rippled muscles. He got out of the bed to put on his boxer briefs—black, like almost all of his clothing—and looked out the window at the gradually lightening streets of London.

 “I’m not partial to monogamy,” he said casually, “or dating.” He picked up his watch off my nightstand to check the time and raised his eyebrows. “Hm, 5am already. Time flies when you’re having fun.”

The pleasant sense of tranquility dissipated. I’d expected too much, obviously. I was mentally ill and I was still _technically_ his patient, and he had legal guardianship over me until I was deemed stable enough to care for myself. The odd nagging suspicion reared its ugly head again, this time coupled with worry. Was I expected to keep sleeping with him while he saw other women?

I managed to lean over the bed and snatch my panties without standing up, and put them on under the sheet. “Well I’m not partial to polyamory.”

 “No?” Kylo cocked his head and watched in amusement as I tried to grab my blouse without getting up. “You should try new things, Rey. You just might enjoy them.”

 “Poe used to tell me that to try to get me to do butt stuff.”

Kylo laughed and picked up his clothes off the floor. “Not entirely shocking.”

I tentatively got out of bed to throw away the remnants of my stockings and use the bathroom. When I came back out, Kylo had turned off the TV and peeled the sheets off my bed. I didn’t know why, since he supposedly had a housekeeper. But as I watched him, still half-naked and remaking the bed, I realized with a pang of disappointment that he probably wanted me to sleep in my own bed.

I swiped up my skirt to add to the small pile of dirty clothes in my hamper near the door. “So, who were you talking to on the phone earlier?”

He was in the middle of fluffing a pillow with a clean sham, and raised an eyebrow. “My sister.”

Oh, shit. Right, Jaina and Jacen were the younger twins, and Breha was the oldest. I puckered my lips and made an intrigued ‘hm’, trying to backpedal from looking like a jealous crazy person.

 “They’re visiting, right?” I asked.

 “Yes, tomorrow.”

I found a pair of gray sweats that had ‘CORNELL’ up the leg and pulled them on, then turned my back to Kylo to take off my blouse and put on a loose black t-shirt.

 “I was just curious,” I said, with a halfhearted shrug.

When I turned around, he was right there in front of me. I jumped and put a hand over my chest, glaring up at him as he returned the look with pity. His clothes were draped over his arm.

 “You’re not well versed in the art of being passive aggressive,” he said.

I picked at my t-shirt. “Tell me more, Freud.”

Kylo grabbed my cheeks in one hand, squishing them together, and forced me to look up at him. I scowled and considered closing my eyes to show him how well versed I was in being obstinate. But the levity was gone from him, and his black eyes were cold and serious.

 “I think we need to establish a few things to help us navigate the shifting dynamic of our relationship,” he said.

 “Like not squeezing my face?!” I snapped.

 “If you behave like a child, you’ll be treated like one.” He loomed over me and tugged me closer by my jaw. “You are my permanent responsibility now, and we will be living together. I do not have the time or the patience to analyze the inconsequential things that piss you off. So, when something upsets you, you will tell me. When you want something, you will tell me. Do you understand?”

For some reason, seeing him on the verge of anger made my head throb. I nodded and winced as the sensation spread across the back of my skull like a thousand tiny ice picks. What was his problem? Being a hair passive aggressive didn’t warrant such a severe reaction.

I pulled away from him and crossed my arms. “I’m going to sleep.”

Kylo rolled his eyes and turned away from me, running a hand through his hair and clenching his jaw. If I didn’t know any better, I would’ve thought he was about to slap me.

 “Fine,” he said dismissively. “You’re not ready to see what I wanted to show you, anyway.”

I was determined to be as snide as possible. “Is it another woman?”

This time he tore one of my forearms away from my chest and yanked me back in front of him. Pain lanced up to my shoulder, severe enough to keep me from resisting. Tears sprang into my eyes and tried to pry his fingers off under a glare that could melt steel. Kylo dropped his clothes and rested his other hand against the side of my neck so his thumb pressed into my throat.

 “Rey,” he said in a low, malevolent voice, “I have needs that you cannot begin to understand, let alone satisfy. Nor would you want to.” His thumb stroked my windpipe. “I’m doing you a favor—which is very bizarre for me.”

 “I can do… other stuff,” I insisted with noticeable hesitation. I tugged on his fingers.

 “No, you can’t. You’re still practically a virgin. Regardless, it’s a moot point, because I won’t subject you to it.”

My temper flared, recovering from the splash of shock, and I managed to squirm away from him. Kylo didn’t try to stop me and watched with guarded annoyance as I wiped my tears away.

 “I’ve had sex plenty of times!” I retorted.

 “No, you haven’t.”

 “How the hell do _you_ know? Were you there?”

Kylo picked up his clothes and brushed past me on his way out of my bedroom, and I trailed along after him, thoroughly irritated. I wasn’t some doe-eyed teenager. He was being rude. Not to mention the obvious fact that he had no right to manhandle me. Maybe I brought it on myself.

 “People lie during therapy,” Kylo continued when we were in his bedroom. He dropped the clothes in the hamper and went to his own dresser for something else to wear. “To become a passable psychiatrist, you have to have an innate talent for at least identifying liars. To become an effective psychiatrist, you have to infer the truth from subconscious clues patients drop.”

I sat on the end of his bed, scowling. “Now I’m a liar?”

He laid his clothes on the bed and I managed to turn my head before he took off his underwear. I didn’t risk glancing back when he spoke again, instead stewing silently with my red-hot ears.

 “No, you’re not,” he said, “but there are things that you neglect to tell me. Full disclosure is rare, not to mention extremely difficult.”

Duh. I told him what he asked, which was mostly about my friends, school, and my family. My head throbbed again and I jumped when an image flickered in my mind’s eye: me, lying on the floor in Kylo’s cabin back in Maine, him looming over me. I squinted and rubbed my eyes.

I peeked over to see he was dressed again, now in a looser red shirt with ‘NIRVANA’ emblazoned on the front in black lettering, and black sweatpants that cinched at the ankle.

 “Okay,” I said, “then tell me all this information you’ve gleaned from my subconscious.”

 

 “The goal of therapy is to allow you the freedom to come to those conclusions on your own. I often know the root of your problems, but telling you won’t teach you how to understand them and learn how they impact every part of your life.”

 “Then at least tell me how you magically know how many times I’ve had sex, because—”

Kylo grabbed one of the decorative chairs near his door and turned it around to sit backwards in it in front of me, leaning his arms over the edge. I hadn’t finished my sentence when he began speaking fast, like he was annoyed, but also as if he’d been dying to tell me for a while now.

His dark eyes flickered like burning coals. “You’re apprehensive around authority figures. Me, professors, the police, even your own parents. This happens for plenty of reasons, obviously, but when it’s so pervasive, it’s often caused by a negative interaction with at least one of them. Your parents never laid a finger on you, your only problem with the police was post-psychosis, and I make you anxious for reasons other than fear.

“That leaves, most likely, a teacher or professor.” He shifted, narrowing his eyes. “Teenage boys would’ve been beneath you in high school—too intelligent and willful for them. You were alone and practically friendless, though, and would’ve loved attention. A particularly predatory teacher zeroed in on you, most likely male and middle-aged in some droll subject. History? Most English teachers are female. That was the first time—” He paused and clicked his tongue— “around… Fifteen?”

I didn’t say a word. I just stared at him. How…?

 “Consensual,” Kylo continued, shrugging, “but unpleasant. Your parents are stable, healthy people, and probably raised you in a sex-positive home, but it left you with permanent guilt and subconscious fear of sex. You gravitated toward Poe because of it; sticking with what you think you deserve. Poe, being a violent jackass, never asked permission. You’d be quiet and obedient—wouldn’t want to draw attention to yourself or bother anyone—but it led to you avoiding men altogether. I’m assuming this occurred in your sophomore year of college, when you were free of your parents and confident in yourself.”

My head shook on its own. I slowly crawled backwards on the bed, but Kylo didn’t stop. He kept me trapped in his gaze, a different and more personal type of violation.

 “Armitage was the last.” Kylo rolled his eyes, resting his chin in his palm. “An accident. You’re childhood friends, so I assume you two were wrestling or teasing one another, and one thing led to another.” He smiled widely and cocked his head and it felt condescending. “Sweet and innocent.”

I pressed my back up against and pillows and gathered my knees in my arms. I didn’t want to think of any of it. Mr. Mahon bringing me in his office, grunting and sweating behind me. Poe covering my mouth with his hand even though he knew I wouldn’t scream. Armie bright and happy then showing up weeks later, half-starved and dirty and miserable.

Kylo raised his eyebrows. “Is there anything else I can shine some light on for you, Rey?”

 “…No.”

He smiled and stood up to put the chair back. My head throbbed again and I clutched it, flinching, as Kylo sat down on the edge of the bed near my feet. His cool fingers touched one of my ankles and he stroked my skin with his thumb. I was getting a headache. I needed to lie down. But the sun was nearly up and I didn’t want to end up sleeping all day again.

 “You’re not defective because you can’t fulfill my specific needs,” he said in a much gentler tone. “For now, I’m more concerned with you returning to school. Your relationship with sex is less important.”

 “More of a side project?” I asked acidly. My eyes were squeezed shut. “I’m curious to know what’s messed up enough that you can’t even tell me.”

Rejection hurt, and I would keep beating a dead horse until he gave in. I peered at Kylo and he was stony-faced again, idly scratching at his black beard. He ground his teeth and sighed.

 “Okay, Rey,” he said. “I’ll show you an example. Mild, example.” He stood up and shut the bedroom door, twisting the lock. He turned and leaned against it, smiling again. “If you can handle it, I’ll show you the surprise I mentioned earlier. Is that fair?”

I nodded and straightened up. I’d been raped before—what could be worse than that?

Kylo looked a little too pleased. He sat on the edge of the bed again, and I was about to question him when he abruptly yanked me forward and pushed me stomach-down across his lap. My eyes widened as he tugged down my pants and panties to my thighs, and I scrambled to get up, but his other arm was like an iron bar over my shoulder blades.

I grabbed his leg. “What the fuck are you—”

There was a sharp sound, flesh on flesh, and pain lanced down my left thigh. My eyes bugged and I yelped. Mom and dad never hit me when I was a kid and I was never inclined to ask a boyfriend to spank me. Kylo rubbed the spot he’d slapped, and his hand closed over the back of my neck.

 “This is your punishment,” he murmured.

He smacked me again and tears sprung into my eyes. When I squirmed, he squeezed my neck. I was humiliated and pissed off. I tried to dig my nails into his leg and he retaliated with another slap. It wasn’t fun to me. Every time I moved an inch his fingers would tighten like a vice. I felt trapped, and the Kylo from last night seemed like a vague dream.

It hurt. It seriously hurt. But I bit down on my lower lip and held back whimpers of pain, determined I could prove that I could handle it. I had to prove him wrong about _something_.

Mercifully, it stopped after one more slap. Kylo released me and I couldn’t get away from him fast enough. I stumbled to my feet to pull up my pants, sniffling and wiping away tears, and kept my eyes on him. He leaned forward and clasped his hands together between his knees. He was smiling. Why was he smiling? My head pulsed and the room blurred. Everything was wrong. It all was wrong.

 “I… I don’t want you to touch me again,” I said, voice wavering.

Kylo flashed his eyebrows like that surprised him. He rose nonchalantly from the bed and walked to the closet, sliding open one of the double doors and reaching to the back corner of the upper shelf.

 “This is why I avoid relationships,” he said. He turned around with a black safe in his arms that had a combination lock on the front. “Women—and men—think they can handle it, but the night ends in tears, and they prefer not to see me again.”

 “Why are you acting like this? Did I do something wrong?”

He set the safe on the bed and glanced up at me. “Do you know why you attract abusers, Rey?”

What? I didn’t… I was standing in the corner of the room near the nightstand, too pained to sit down, and I brushed my fingers where Kylo had grabbed my neck. My ears rang as the lock clicked open on the safe. I felt sick. Lights were getting brighter, but the colors were fading.

Kylo opened the box, shuffling through… papers?

 “You’re an easy victim,” he said. He beckoned me with his index finger. “Let me show you some examples of other women who were easy victims.”

I stood there, petrified. “I don’t… I don’t understand…”

 “You will. Come here. I won’t hurt you.”

 “But—”

 “Now, Rey,” he interrupted. He beckoned me again, smiling. “It’s time for you to know.”


	29. She feels some ghastly Fright come up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~*~*~This chapter can potentially give away the ending of Primum Nil Nocere~*~*~  
> And also a note
> 
> So many many moons ago when I was 15 (many moons being nine years) I wrote my first 'book' called The Passion Paradox which began an utter obsession with serial killers and demons and moody, unstable main characters. It was fucking awful (but for some reason people went nuts over it and loved it).
> 
> I've created several male serial killers since then who are similar but distinct. Nikolai, Liev (his son), Pierre, Seth, Chris, Erik, and Silas. Each existed separately but in the same universe and this story was kind of my way of bringing them all together to play on how all these huge personalities would interact. While it's great for the original fiction and my small band of faithful followers on FictionPress, it doesn't translate well to this reiteration. 
> 
> So I'm kind of torn on continuing to update this, mostly because it will now heavily feature these men who none of you know about, but also because I haven't updated the original fiction in three months. Just warning you guys.

It was quiet in the flat. I was trembling, still in pain, and fear prickled down my spine. But Kylo’s dark eyes willed me towards him. I had nowhere else to go; no one to call for help. I inched forward and wrung my clammy hands together and he smiled when I stood beside him. He was so sweet to me. Why…?

The first thing I noticed was the bracelet Kylo always wore, and now that I could turn it over in my fingers, I came to the nauseating realization that it was made of woven hair. I dropped it on the bed like it burned me and had to wait a few seconds before picking through the other stuff. Kylo just stood there quietly with his hands in his pockets. Something was very, very wrong.

There were letters in different handwriting. Some were long and signed with names I recognized—Pierre, Seth, Chris. Seth’s was typed. One letter was short and was signed ‘Liev’ and yet another, buried far down and very wrinkled with scraggly handwriting, was signed ‘Nikolai’. My pulse pounded. They were all serial killers. Why did Kylo have letters from them?

I looked up into his dark eyes, terrified, and he nodded.

 “Go ahead,” he murmured. “Read them.”

I picked them up one at a time, hands shaking. They were thank-yous and warnings, telling him to ‘be careful’ and ‘tread softly’. The one from Nikolai was old and read like he was responding to fan mail Kylo sent him. Liev’s asked Kylo not to contact him. Seth’s was angry, ranting about some woman named Genevieve. Chris’s was the same, but a girl named Charlotte.

Pierre’s was much different. I was taken in by it for a few minutes. He had beautiful handwriting and went on and on for two pages about someone named Natalie. It was obsessive. He detailed how they met and it seemed kind of sweet at first but quickly went south, detailing how he drugged and raped her. It was like holding poison. I dropped it like the bracelet. Kylo folded everything neatly.

There was more: pictures of women who looked asleep with names and dates written on the back in Kylo’s handwriting. There were tons of them, organized by date, starting 15 years ago.

Five were bundled together with names, and the women in those pictures looked ok. Adel was tall and wore a lab coat. She was frowning at the photographer. Penelope was waifish and blonde and clearly pregnant, cooking at a stove, beaming. Genevieve was focusing intently on paperwork and I couldn’t see her whole body. Charlotte was hugging a little boy, laughing.

The last one was Natalie. Her hair was brown and pulled back in a ponytail and she kind of looked like me. She was sitting near a window and looking at the camera but her eyes were lifeless. I could see the edge of a crib and it was evident that the sick freak from the letter had gotten her pregnant.

 “Oh my god,” I whispered. I flipped the picture over and covered my mouth in horror. It was a few years old. Oh my god. What if she was dead? Where was she? Could I call the police?

Kylo touched the small of my back and I jerked away from him, clutching the picture of the strange girl. I stared at it again and turned it to face him, now trembling with a different emotion.

 “What is this?!” I demanded.

 “Another perpetual victim.” He picked up the pictures of the other four women and admired them. “You’re holding Natalie—she belongs to Pierre, one of my close friends. Adel has passed away, Penelope still cares for Liev’s children, Genevieve is a psychiatrist like myself, and Charlotte is in law school.”

I looked at the picture of Natalie again. The others looked okay—so why was she so sad? Were these the psychopaths that Kylo told me he had met? Was he really friends with one of them?

 “Why do you have these?” I asked hollowly.

He plucked the picture of Natalie from my hands and returned it to the group, bundling them back together. I didn’t know if I was going to vomit or faint.

 “We all frequently communicate,” Kylo said, shrugging like it was no big deal. “I treat Seth and Chris while they’re in prison to move them up for parole sooner. Liev and Pierre meet with me occasionally to discuss issues they’re having with impulsivity, sadistic urges.” He looked dead into my eyes as he shut and locked the safe. “Only a psychopath can understand other psychopaths.”

I couldn’t breathe. “…What are you saying?”

He smiled and shook his head, lifting the safe to put it back in the closet. I stared at him, unable to comprehend what he was telling me; too terrified to admit the truth. My dream had been real. The blood, crawling down the hallway. Kylo already told me he was a psychopath but my mind suppressed it. He… _tortured me_. He followed me through the apartment, mocking me, watching me bleed.

Were the other nightmares real? Had we had sex before yesterday? I covered my mouth and backed away from him as he slid the closet door shut. He was perfectly calm.

 “Don’t worry,” he said. “While I have quite a bit in common with them, we also differ in key ways.” He sat on the edge of the bed and patted the spot next to him. “Sit with me.”

 “Like hell!”

 “Rey, please. I’m not going to hurt you.”

 “You already did!” I snapped, eyes watering. “It’s all real, isn’t it?! Armie was right!” I pointed a shaking finger at him and broke down into sobs. “ _You_ are poisoning me! You’re drugging me to make me have these episodes, and… you’re torturing me when I’m unconscious!”

Kylo clasped his hands together in his lap. “Half true. The episodes are real—the amnesia is due to different medications, none of which are antipsychotic, by the way. They cause weight gain, akathisia; things you would’ve noticed, so I took you off of the Abilify weeks ago and supplemented it with a low dose of Klonopin.” He looked at me, no longer smiling. “The injections are Valium.”

I wanted to run, but I also wanted to know the extent of what he had done to me. I swallowed hard and he patted the bed next to him again. I had to know.

Hesitant, I shuffled over to him and sniffled and sat down. The tears were rolling down my face and there was no hope to control them. He knitted his fingers together between his knees again and looked down at the floor rather than at me. I was thankful for that.

 “What have you done to me?” I whispered. I had my palms open and facing upwards. Tears dripped on them, running down the lines across my skin.

 “You’ll remember—over time. However, your hallucinations from two nights ago, about the shower and us sleeping together, were false. You did have a bit of a meltdown when I told you what I am and bled all over the apartment. But the mind is a strange thing, and concocted an alternate reality.”

 “How do I know you aren’t lying?”

He shrugged. “I have no reason to, but you should always doubt me.”

We both fell into silence. I didn’t know where to go or what to do. Running away wouldn’t solve anything, and I didn’t have my phone to call for help. His family was visiting later but he’d probably already told them I was his crazy patient. Would anyone believe me? Or would he just tell them I was having another episode?

I covered my face with my hands. Oh god. Kylo was my legal guardian now. He could do whatever he wanted. He could have me committed if he wanted to, or keep me out of school, and control where I went and who I could see. The only way out was having my mental stability proven. I knew he would never let that happen.

 “Are you going to… kill me?” I choked into my palms.

 “What a waste that would be.”

I peered through my fingers at him, still gazing impassively at the floor. He could’ve been a statue.

 “But… but isn’t that what people like you do?” I asked tentatively.

Kylo defrosted. His indifferent dark eyes turned to the window to watch the sun now rising over the horizon, shrouded by the myriad of towering buildings. His knuckles were white.

 “That is where I differ from the others,” he said. He paused and rose, strolling to the windows with his hands in his pockets. “I don’t enjoy killing. Besides the mess and complications involved, I find it highly dissatisfying. If they’re dead, they’ve escaped.”

My crying slowed to hiccups. I was confused. “If you don’t kill people, what do you do to them?”

 “Whatever asserts power and control.” He tilted his head. “Pierre and Liev both see murder as the ultimate expression of domination. Chris is a psychiatrist, too; though not a very good one. He and Seth preferred psychological and physical torture. Keeping captives. It’s all very dramatic and gory.”

 “So, what do you do? Rape people? Drug them?”

Sunlight began spilling into the bedroom. He sighed. “Yes. I have raped many people, male and female. I like when they scream. A high dose of Valium will keep their memories spotty enough that they can’t recall specific details. But drugging before the act takes away all the fun.” He turned to glance at me, smiling. “Until I met you.”

My heart dropped. The throbbing in my head came back but I tried to hide it. He couldn’t know. He’d drug me again and I didn’t know what he’d do after.

I flinched but didn’t look away from him. “I think by now you know that I don’t understand a fucking thing you’re saying.”

Kylo’s smile widened and he laughed, sauntering back to the bed to sit beside me again. His dark eyes searched mine and he put a hand on my knee. There was a stabbing sensation in my skull and images flashed before my eyes of him standing by a door, eating, watching me. Blood ran down my arms and something cold and hard ripped up my wrists.

He took my hands in his, squeezing gently, and his eyes met mine. He looked… nervous? I stared at him and wondered how I could be so stupid. I was book smart, for sure, and I prided myself on never letting anyone get one over on me. But Kylo was so charming, and hot, and he seemed like he gave a shit.

 “I… enjoy your presence,” he said. He shifted his jaw like he was chewing on the words before letting them out. “Usually I prefer screaming and fighting, but with you, I think I prefer your total trust that the drugs produce. I suppose it’s still a form of control. It stems from something other than my sadism, though.” He frowned. “Something I don’t understand yet.”

It felt like I was talking to an alien. Kylo’s confusion was unsettling, and while I would’ve been happy that he enjoyed my presence before, it just made me nauseous now.

I looked at his long fingers curled over my hands. “…Am I ever going to see my family again?”

 “Of course.” His eyes were searching mine, and I knew that he knew I was on the cusp of another episode. “You’ll return to college and graduate, too. I don’t mind.”

 “Then why are you telling me all of this?”

Kylo drew his hands away from mine, brushing my skin with his long fingers, and walked over to the dresser. He opened the middle drawer, shifting aside some clothes, and took out a narrow black box with a combination lock on the front. He set it on the bed and turned the mechanism until the lock clicked out of place. I turned slightly to watch, wiping my eyes with the bottom of my shirt.

 “I want to share my life with you, Rey.” He took out a bottle of pills and read the label, glancing away and furrowing his eyebrows. “Hm… 165 pounds, five feet, three inches tall… three milligrams?” He nodded to himself and shook out three pills. “There’s no harm in it now. No one will believe you, and I have legal control over you.”

The latter I already knew, but we’d see what mom and dad said. Through the fear and anxiety, I felt a little thrill of excitement. _I want to share my life with you, Rey._ He had a way of making horrible things sound enticing. That was how he tricked everyone: charisma; charm. I curiously inched closer to peek at the case. Kylo noticed me and turned it around to show me the contents.

There were vials of fluid, all labeled, and sterile needles in bags, and rows and rows of pill bottles. All of them seemed to be legally labeled as samples.

 “How do you get all of this?” I asked, bewildered.

 “Pharmaceutical companies. They trip over themselves to send me samples and buy me lunches, trying to get me to push their medications for kickbacks.” He shrugged and closed the case, locking it again.

 “That shouldn’t be legal.”

He shook the pills in his palm and to my shock, popped two of them in his mouth and swallowed them dry. I stared at him when he offered me the third pill between his fingertips. It was round and blue.

 “You’ve had a hard day,” Kylo said, smiling. “This is GHB. It will help you relax.”

 “I don’t want it.”

 “No? Would you prefer an injection?” He flipped the pill back in his palm. “You’ll be addicted to the Valium sooner or later.”

I pressed my lips together. “Did you just take it?”

 “Yes. You’ve had it before, too—in Maine. I dissolved it in water. The first time was lovely, but the second, you tried to jump off my balcony, and I had to handcuff you to my bed.” He grinned. “Not that it gave me any pleasure.”

Pain shot through my head—

_A movie started, flickering in the darkness, and I could hear screaming and see the woods I wanted. Kylo left without saying another word. My crying turned into screaming; whatever medication I was on was making the people’s faces look like demons and soon I was hysterical with terror. I yanked on the restraints until warm blood ran down my hands and I screamed and screamed for help._

I gasped and clutched at my chest, starting to sweat. Kylo was now standing on the other side of me with a paper cup of water in one hand and the pill in the palm of the other.

 “This will help,” he murmured.

I shook my head, tearing up again. “Please, I don’t want it.” I covered my face with my hands and my shoulders sagged. “Please don’t make me.”

Kylo sat next to me and pulled my hand away from my face. I was crying again but opened my mouth just enough for him to push it inside. He whispered tenderly to me, holding up the water so I could swallow the pill. It tasted awful, like salt, and I sobbed harder remembering the drugged water he gave me back in the cabin. He was a beast. He tortured me.

 “Good girl,” he said. He got up again to throw away the cup. “It will take effect shortly. Then we can both relax and discuss things without getting emotional.”

 “I want my mom…”

 “You’ll see her soon.” He laid down on the bed and patted the spot next to him, smiling. “Come here, my love.”

The tingling sensation from so long ago began spreading through my limbs. I abruptly stopped crying and held up my hands to turn them back and forth, mystified by the feeling. The pains in my head faded away and I looked over my shoulder at Kylo to see him leaning on the headboard, eyes closed, a faint smile still on his lips. He seemed peaceful.

I turned to face him, cross-legged, but didn’t move any closer. Neither of us spoke for a few minutes while the drug he’d given me gradually tingled throughout my entire body. The sunlight filtering through the windows seemed to sparkle and I felt warm all over—physically, and emotionally. My fear nearly evaporated, even though I was still completely aware of what Kylo was.

He opened one dark eye. “Feeling better?”

The colors in the room were swirling and changing. I nodded but was distracted by everything around me: the way the soft sheets felt on my fingertips, the sound of rain drops on the windows, and the lingering salty taste of the drug on my tongue. Kylo leaned forward to take one of my outstretched hands and tugged a little, and I willingly followed. I sat between his legs and leaned against his chest.

Both of us were quiet again. I was engrossed in the gouges I’d made in my forearms. They’d crusted over as my body tried to heal and were starting to itch. Kylo was humming, chin on the top of my head, and his arms were draped loosely around my hips. It was extremely bizarre, but I was too high to care.

I eventually lost interest in my wounds and knit my fingers through Kylo’s, examining his hands. His skin was warm and his palms had some callouses. He kissed the side of my head and nuzzled into my neck. I felt a tingle down my arm into my fingertips.

 “The people in the letters sound terrible,” I said.

 “Mhm.” He stretched out his hands so I could draw my nails across his palms. His chin was on my shoulder now. “Pierre and Liev are extremely dangerous. Psychotic.”

 “Like me?”

 “Not quite. Their lack of empathy and most basic emotions combined with the psychosis makes them dangerous. Most psychotic people are more of a danger to themselves than others.”

I frowned, pressing my palms on Kylo’s. My hands were about half the size of his.

 “Ed said you were psychotic,” I said.

 “Briefly, yes.” Kylo curled his fingers over mine and kissed my neck. “I already told you that.”

 “Not _specifically._ ”

He laughed quietly, and it was like music. “Fair enough.”

There were a lot of things I wanted to ask him. I didn’t quite know where to start, though. The drug buzzing through my veins made me feel drunk, but without the sloppy disinhibition. Everything was bright and pretty and pleasant, even the self-admitting psychopath sitting behind me. He was humming again and it tickled my ear. I went with the hardest question first.

 “Have you… killed people?” I ventured.

Kylo didn’t hesitate. “Yes.”

I was silent again for a few minutes, digesting the information. The drug kept me from having a meltdown. “Oh. Why?”

 “Curiosity, or to keep them quiet.” He turned my hands over to expose my scarred forearms and drew his fingers over the ridges. “Or entirely by accident.”

 “How do you kill people by accident?”

Kylo clicked his tongue a few times like he was thinking of how to reply, but his hands wandered up to my upper arms. His breath was warm on my ear. The hair on the back of my neck stood up.

 “Sometimes,” he whispered, sliding his long fingers over my shoulders, “when the victim is fighting and screaming—” his hands coiled over my throat like a snake “—it becomes so overwhelming that I just…” He squeezed once, gently. “…Strangle them.”

I grabbed his thighs, shifting nervously. “Um, you won’t do that to me, right?”

 “Oh, Rey.” He moved his legs, wrapping them over mine to pin them. “Of course I will.”

The pressure abruptly turned unbearable. The drugs didn’t keep me from panicking this time—my back arched and I gasped desperately, clawing at Kylo’s hands wrapped around my neck. Stars and black spots clouded my eyes; he was humming in my ear, and my legs were thrashing under his but I couldn’t get them free to escape. My head tingled and I gaped for air like a fish. I tore and pried his fingers until I felt blood under my nails, but he didn’t react.

 “This is what I can do to you,” he murmured. “I could kill you if I wanted to.”

Suddenly, it stopped. I took a sharp, painful breath and clutched my throat, coughing and hacking for air. My lungs rattled from the forceful gulps I took, trembling, and I burst into tears. Kylo slipped his hands under my shirt to rub my back. My legs were still pinned; I couldn’t get away. I couldn’t even speak.

Somewhere in the flat, his phone rang. He paused and sighed, extricating himself from me and getting off the bed. I was still shaking and trying to breathe. My head was pounding.

 “That may be your mother,” Kylo said, walking to the bedroom door. He unlocked it and glanced at me over his shoulder, smiling. “You can talk to her, if you’d like.”

I stared at the open doorway after he left, dizzy. My ears rang louder and louder and my eyes rolled back, catching a glimpse of the ceiling before I fainted.


	30. And stop to look at her -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> seth is the main character from primum nil nocere  
> erik is the main character from this story  
> chris is the main character from the quietest evening  
> pierre is the main character from eunoia
> 
> nikolai and liev won't appear in them

The doorbell rang. My eyes rolled open.

I laid in Kylo’s bed for a minute, utterly lost, then scrambled to my feet in terror. The room was empty and I had been sleeping under the covers. I groped my body, looking for missing parts, and was relieved to find my clothes were still on and I was in one piece.

It had all been real—it wasn’t just some fucked up dream. I clutched my head and paced in anxious circles. My psychiatrist was a psychopath. He’d strangled me. The alarm clock said it was now around one in the afternoon so I had passed out for another eight hours. My neck hurt. It was all real.

There was a note on the nightstand. The script was tiny and kind of messy: definitely Kylo’s. I snatched it up and was a bit relieved that he went out for a bit. He said he’d be back by noon. But the flat was completely silent, and I highly doubted he would leave me alone in his bedroom.

The doorbell rang in rapid succession. Oh, Jesus. I tried to compose myself and scurried to the front door to see who it was. Clearly Kylo wouldn’t ring the bell of his own home. I was so frenzied that I opened the door without looking through the peephole and someone suddenly hugged me.

 “You must be Rey!” crowed a male voice. He squeezed and lifted me up, whirling me around. “You’re so light! Jaina, feel how light she is!”

More confusion. I wriggled out of the stranger’s grasp, still on high alert, and looked up into the eyes of a man who looked somewhat like Kylo. His eyes were green, though, and his hair was dark brown and thinner than Kylo’s. He wasn’t as tall, either, but he was kind of buff, and wearing a polo shirt and shorts. He had a very friendly, inviting face and grinned at my confusion.

A woman emerged from behind him, and they looked almost identical, save for her being thin and lanky. She was wearing a bohemian-style dress and had her hair up in a complicated braid. She hugged me, too, and picked me up, gasping.

 “Very light!” the woman agreed, waving me around like a ragdoll. “Kylo! KYLO, YOUR PATIENT IS TOO LIGHT!”

Finally, I saw a face I recognized when the woman put me down. Breha was still dressed to the nines and the spitting image of her brother. She put her cell phone away and brushed past me into the apartment, looking back and forth.

 “Quit yelling, Jaina,” she snapped over her shoulder. “This isn’t the fucking sticks. Use your inside voice.”

Jaina blinked innocently and looked up at her brother. “Jacen, did you remember to tell Kylo we were coming over?”

Jacen blinked back at her. “Uh…”

 “He’s… he’s out,” I stammered, finally finding my voice. “Um, you’re his siblings, right? I’m Rey.” I stepped aside to let them in the apartment and came close to starting a conversation about the psycho box, but held back. What if they knew and didn’t care?

Jaina almost danced inside and Jacen followed suit, making both of them giggle. Breha looked royally pissed off with the entire situation and called Kylo as I shut the door behind us. I was trembling. I needed to go home. I needed to call my parents.

 “I’m Jaina!”

She was right in front of me, beaming, and had her arms open for a hug again. I smiled weakly and hugged her and she drifted into the kitchen to start raiding the fridge. Jacen introduced himself in a hurried breath and rushed to help himself to Kylo’s food, too.

Breha sat at the island and scowled at them. “Hey, it’s me. Yes, we’re here. Moe and Curly flew in early and insisted on coming straight here to see you.” Her eyes flickered to me. “…Why wouldn’t she be here? She’s standing near the door gawking at me.”

I turned red, embarrassed, and scuttled to my bedroom to get dressed and use the toilet. There weren’t any marks on my neck, but my arms still looked like hell. I settled on wearing a sweater to avoid questions about that.

Jacen and Jaina were eating ice cream out of the container when I came back. Breha had her head in her hands and was slowly shaking it back and forth. It was like a sitcom.

Jaina sat on the counter and held the ice cream away from her brother. “So, Rey, what d’you think of Kylo? He’s pretty cuddly, right?”

 “Cuddly like a cactus,” Jacen laughed and Jaina erupted into hysterics. He gave up trying to take the ice cream back and went to rummage around in the fridge again. “Breha, can you make some lunch?”

 “No,” Breha snapped, “I’m not your wife!”

 “Good thing,” Jaina mumbled and she and Jacen started giggling again.

The front door opened, and Kylo stepped inside. He was sweaty, wearing track pants and a jacket, and taking earbuds out. His eyes flickered to me as he unzipped his jacket.

I felt sick at the sight of him but Jaina shrieked in excitement and threw her ice cream in the sink. She leapt off the counter just as he got his sneakers off and nearly knocked him over with her ferocious hug. Jacen hurried over, too, and lifted the two of them off the ground, laughing.

 “Get off me!” Kylo hissed, bristling like a cat.

 “But I love you!” Jaina protested. She nuzzled under his chin and sighed. “I know how much you missed Ellie hugs, big brother.” Her green eyes roamed to me and she gestured. “Rey, come here! He’s… sort of gross and sweaty but let’s get a group hug going here!”

Breha looked disgusted at the sight of them. I couldn’t imagine anything I wanted to do less than hug Kylo at that moment and thankfully, he shook them both off before I had to. Jaina seemed dejected until Jacen hugged her and they both sighed.

 “Oh my god,” Breha groaned, dragging her hands down her face, “I hate both of you, _so much_.”

They took that as an invitation to chase her around and plead for more hugging. Kylo watched them for a minute, making the same repulsed face as his older sister, then his dark eyes roamed to me. We stared at each other and he beckoned me with his index finger.

No, no. I shook my head quickly, making a slicing motion over my throat, and nodded my head towards his siblings. He glanced at them and rolled his eyes, beckoned me again, and turned to walk down the hallway. Fuck. I looked at them again and saw Jacen and Jaina had captured Breha before slipping out of my seat and following Kylo.

The bathroom door was open, and the light was on. Trembling, I stepped just inside his bedroom and stood there. I could hear the shower running. I clasped my hands in front of myself and twiddled my thumbs. His siblings seemed normal enough. They couldn’t possibly know the truth. Neither could Narek. He was about as harmful as a newborn kitten.

Kylo appeared around the corner of the bathroom door, raising an eyebrow. No shirt. “Don’t just stand there, Rey. Come here.”

 “What about your family?”

 “ _Now,_ Rey.”

I screwed up my mouth in annoyance. Fine. Your funeral.

He stood back to let me in the bathroom and didn’t say anything else, closing the door and locking it behind us. I opened my mouth to ask what the fuck he was thinking, but Kylo suddenly grabbed me and pulled me up against him, and his lips were on mine. I tried to jerk back but he held me firmly in place. His skin was sticky with sweat.

I stayed completely silent while Kylo peeled off the clothes I had just put on. It was from a mixture of terror and resignation—I could scream and try to get away, but he was bigger and faster than me. I shuddered when he took all my clothes off. I also didn’t want to be strangled again.

Neither of us spoke. He herded me into the shower and I was mildly terrified that he was going to try to have sex with me again, but he didn’t. I frowned at the wall while he ran water through my hair and scrubbed it with shampoo. This wasn’t right. Wasn’t he supposed to kill me? I’d seen all the movies with serial killers and psychos, thanks to Rose in freshman year.

Breha’s yelling even penetrated the bathroom. I stood awkwardly in front of her brother while he cleaned off the rest of my body like it was a perfectly normal thing to do. He tangled his fingers through my wet hair when he was done and kissed my forehead. I tried to maneuver my arms over my chest while he ran his hands through his thick black hair, and he grinned down at me.

 “What?!” I snapped.

He squeezed some shampoo into his palm and shrugged as he scrubbed it into his scalp. “You were right—I do like fragile things.”

Hmph. I crossed my arms and looked away. “Wonder what your siblings are going to think of you showering with your ‘patients’.”

 “Well, I _am_ your legal guardian.” He rinsed out his hair and moved on to washing his body. “I would be doing you a disservice if I didn’t keep you clean. Plus…” He cupped my face in his hands, smiling. “They don’t know we’re in here together.”

Kylo kissed me chastely on the lips and went back to cleaning himself. I ground my jaw, irritated.

We both dried off and I wrung out my thick hair as best as I could. Kylo opened a drawer in the vanity and I watched him in the mirror, shocked, as he effortlessly twisted my hair into a bun. His dark eyes met mine and he raised his eyebrows.

 “What?” he asked.

 “Uh… hair ties?”

He handed me my bra like it was the most normal thing in the world and gathered up his sweaty clothes. “I grew up with two sisters. Styling hair is one of the many talents I learned.”

I wanted to ask if he learned to choke people into unconsciousness from them, too, but kept my mouth shut. Kylo walked out to his bedroom to get dressed and I put my clothes on in the bathroom. The sweater was kind of hot and tight now.

He was wearing a gray Zeppelin t-shirt now with jeans. Laughter was drifting into the bedroom from the kitchen and I could hear sizzling. My stomach grumbled at the thought of food.

Kylo glanced at me and opened up a middle drawer to grab a maroon t-shirt. I watched guardedly as he approached and he smiled, tugging off my sweater before I could even think about refusing. He gestured me for to lift my arms up and pulled the shirt over my head. It was way too long.

I pulled the hem to read the screen print. “Harvard? Really?”

 “I’m sweating just looking at you in long sleeves.” He put his hands in his pockets, studying my eyes. “How did you sleep?”

 “I always sleep well when I’m strangled into unconsciousness.”

He sighed. “Well that’s not fair, Rey. You were breathing just fine when I left the room to chat with your mother. I didn’t squeeze _that_ hard.”

Something fell in the other room and Breha was yelling even louder while the other two laughed. Kylo rolled his eyes, muttering under his breath, and left the bedroom without another word to me. I glared after him and took my time shuffling down the hall to the faint smell of pancakes.

They were making breakfast for lunch—I could smell bacon and sausage in the air, too. My stomach grumbled again and I sat down at the dining room table to watch all of them together. Jaina was clinging to Kylo and he was protesting and trying to push her away. Breha was doing most of the cooking while Jacen kept trying to snatch pieces of bacon right from the pan. They looked… normal. Kylo had to be the only frayed edge in that family quilt.

It looked like an empty mixing bowl of pancake batter had fallen. It was tipped over on the island with some other dirty dishes and the garbage was overflowing with paper towels. I rested my chin on my palm, still not entirely sure what to make of everything.

Jaina noticed me sitting alone and rushed over to sit next to me, giving me a huge, uncomfortable hug. She wrapped her arm around mine and rested her head on my shoulder. Kylo started getting plates and cutlery and barked at Jacen to clean the dishes.

 “Kylo said you two are going back stateside,” she said. “I have an exhibit down in NYC next month—you’ll have to come and see! We can go shopping!”

 “Um… sure. You travel a lot, right?”

 “Sure do. Dad says I have a ‘wanderer’s spirit’.” She sighed and nuzzled closer to my neck. “Breha calls me a drifter, which isn’t nearly as romantic.”

Lunch was served soon after. Kylo sat on the other side of me and I resisted the animalistic urge to eat the pile of food before me with my bare hands. I did drink half my apple juice almost instantly and Jaina laughed and poured me some more. She and Jacen kept making jokes to one another across the table, drawing ire from Breha and sighs from Kylo.

 “So, you’re going to be a vet, right?”

I looked up from stuffing my face with scrambled eggs to see Jacen was speaking to me. He and Jaina snickered as I hurried to swallow my food, coughing in the process, and Kylo patted my back and offered me my drink. He kept rubbing my back after I’d recovered and no one reacted.

 “Yeah,” I said, “I’m almost done at Cornell.”

Jaina pulled sausage off her fork with her teeth. “Then what’s with the Harvard shirt?”

 “Cornell apparel isn’t allowed in this apartment,” Kylo said.

Everyone laughed, except Breha. She was eating slowly, dark eyes flickering between Kylo and I. Finally, one of them thought something was off.

Jaina swallowed and frowned at her older brother. “What are you going to do when she goes back to school? Don’t you have to be with her all the time?”

 “She could always go home,” Breha interjected.

The temperature of the room seemed to drop. Kylo stopped rubbing my back, now resting his arm across the back of my chair, and shrugged as he popped eggs in his mouth. I glanced at Jacen to see he looked strangely confused by Breha’s words. Jaina had a tight smile on her face. My skin prickled.

 “It’s a lot of work,” Kylo said. “Plus, I can always work remotely.”

Breha delicately patted her mouth with a napkin. “How generous of you to help.”

 “I agree!” Jaina chirped. “Speaking of generosity, I’ll be staying here tonight, big brother.” She ate some bacon and grinned. “Rey and I are gonna watch movies.”

Thank god. Knowing someone else would be in the house, at least for tonight, was a huge relief. I tried not to let it show on my face as I finished up my lunch. When I looked up, Breha was staring off into the distance, chewing slowly, eyebrows drawn together like she was conflicted.

Kylo took my plate when it was empty and rolled his eyes. “No, you’re not. It isn’t a slumber party.”

Jacen took all the dishes and Kylo followed him to the dishwasher. Breha excused herself to use the bathroom and Jaina wound her arm through mine again. I stiffened when I felt her breath on my ear.

 “Do you like scary movies?” she asked.

 “…Not really.” I squirmed in my seat, uncomfortable. “Disney movies are good, though.”

She laughed and laid her head on my shoulder. “You’re right, they are.”

The dishwasher was started while Jacen and Kylo put the other dishes away. Jaina finally disentangled from me to go use the bathroom and Breha went out to the living room to watch TV. I awkwardly got to my feet and went to use my own bathroom down the hall in my bedroom.

Jaina was rifling through my dresser when I came out. I watched in dumb shock for a minute until she turned around and noticed me, smiling again.

 “Can I borrow some pajamas?” she asked. “I travel super light.”

It was only 5pm, but I shrugged and nodded. She went back to rummaging and took out a slip Poe had bought for me when we were dating. It was black and almost transparent, with fluffy lining on the bottom. My ears turned red when Jaina gasped and took it out to look, and she laughed and held it above me when I tried to grab it. She was tall like Kylo.

 “Who is _this_ from?!” she admonished.

 “An ex-boyfriend! Please give it to—”

 “KYLO!” She kept giggling and called her brother again. “KYLO! C’MERE!”

Jesus Christ. I shielded my face when I heard him walking down the hallway and Jaina twirled in circles with the lingerie. The floor creaked a bit and I knew he was standing in the doorway.

 “You’re staying in the hotel with Sam if you can’t act like an adult,” Kylo snapped.

Jaina held the thing up to me and puckered her lips. “Do all your patients bring lingerie on their trips with you?”

I trained my eyes on the floor, twiddling my thumbs. “I thought I might get hot.”

 “Girl, you’re hot already,” Jaina said, cackling to herself.

Suddenly, Kylo was standing right in front of his sister, and grabbed her wrists. He still towered over her and she shrank back a bit but her grin seemed to grow. I watched from the corner of my eye. He didn’t seem amused at all and had a cold glare fixated on her.

 “Behave, Jaina.” He tugged her closer. “Or you will be asked to leave.”

They stared at each another for a solid minute, then Kylo dropped her hands. She had a smug expression as she handed me the lingerie and I quickly rolled it into a ball.

 “I’m borrowing your clothes,” she said passively to her brother. She glanced at me with a poorly concealed smirk. “You should wear that for our sleepover, Rey. I think you’ll look hot in it.”

I blinked dumbly when she turned and left the bedroom, brushing past Kylo. He eyed me for a few seconds before turning and following after her. The alarm bells were going off again—but I had nowhere to run.


	31. Salute her, with long fingers -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok but y'all saw this coming

The four siblings were in the living room when I came back from my bedroom. Breha was sitting in the chair with a blanket, arguing with Jacen, who was sitting on the floor leaning against her chair. Kylo and Jaina were sitting on the couch and the latter was wearing a pair of her brother’s sweatpants and a Harvard t-shirt. She excitedly patted the spot between her and Kylo when she noticed me and threw a blanket over all of us. I was uncomfortably close to both of them.

 “We rented _Moana_ online to watch,” Jaina said, clapping. She pointed at her siblings. “Jacen is going to pass out in about 15 minutes, Breha will get bored and leave, and Kylo will actually watch it. That’s exactly how it was when we were growing up, and exactly how it is now.”

 “Some of us have jobs,” Breha said acidly.

Kylo stretched his arm over the back of the couch. Goosebumps tingled up my forearms.

 “Can’t be mad at her for being right, Breha,” he said.

 “You better not kick me, Breha,” Jacen said, turning to glare at her.

The movie started and they all quieted down. Jaina yawned and snuggled closer to me, resting her head on my shoulder, and I stared awkwardly at the TV. Kylo either didn’t notice or didn’t care. Breha was snacking on popcorn and eyed the three of us before hissing at Jacen when he tried to take her food.

It happened just like Jaina predicted. Jacen passed out fast with a handful of popcorn and Breha was texting within 20 minutes. The sky was getting dark outside.

The movie was over around 7pm. Both Jacen and Breha left without much fanfare. Jaina hugged both of them, as did Kylo, and I waved from the couch. Breha continued to look conflicted as she put on her coat and followed Jacen out the door. He chatted avidly about his kids until the door shut. I was left alone with Kylo and Jaina.

 “Pajama time!” Jaina squealed. She pulled me off the couch towards Kylo’s bedroom. “We all have to match or it’s not a real party. Kylo! Come on!”

She knew I was his patient, right? Her behavior was unsettling. Kylo followed us, which surprised me, and stood by the door while his sister rummaged through his clothes. She threw sweatpants at him and he rolled his eyes and went in the bathroom to change. I watched him close the door and when I turned my head, Jaina was standing not even a foot in front of me. She had a gray pair of pants over her shoulder.

 “Here you go,” she said, smiling, green eyes searching mine.

I mumbled a thank-you and changed into them as fast as I could. Her smile took on a malicious sort of turn when her brother came out of the bathroom.

We all went back out to the living room and I continued to have a bad feeling. I sat down and Jaina was on me again, bordering on parasitic. One arm was around mine and her opposite hand slid over my thigh under the blanket. I blanched when Kylo asked what I wanted to watch.

 “I-I don’t ca-care,” I stammered.

 “ _Hannibal!_ ” Jaina exclaimed.

Kylo’s eyes flickered between the two of us but he turned back to the TV to find the movie. I sat ramrod straight, heart pounding, as Jaina sighed into my ear.

 “You should wear the lingerie.” Her hand slid to the inside of my thigh and I jumped. “Kylo and I would both like it.”

I didn’t know what to think or feel, much less what to do. Kylo put his arm over the back of the couch again and I was petrified by Jaina’s fingers gently stroking my thigh. I tried to catch his eyes but he was focused on the movie and didn’t respond to me. Her hand stayed in the Jacene for about an hour, after it had gotten dark in the apartment, and drifted upwards.

I scrambled to my feet and stumbled away from their curious looks. “I’m… super tired. I’m going to bed.”

Kylo frowned. “At 8 o’clock?”

 “Long day,” I said feebly, shrugging. “See you in the morning!”

Neither of them followed when I scurried to my bedroom. I practically slammed the door shut and rushed to change out of Kylo’s clothes and into my own. I turned down the blinds and climbed into bed to text Rose, just telling her that his sister was kind of weird. It was early in the US so she didn’t respond. I set my phone on the nightstand and closed my eyes.

 “…Rey…”

Groggy, I blinked the sleepiness from my eyes and became aware of someone in bed beside me. I yawned and felt a hand on my waist and squinted in the darkness.

It was Jaina. She shushed me when my eyes widened in shock and shifted closer, green eyes vibrant even in the blackness around us. I was too tired to keep pretending she wasn’t freaking me out. I pulled away from her and panicked when she pulled me right back.

 “I’m sorry,” I said, “um, have I given you mixed signals?”

She laughed. “No. I just wanted to visit.”

Before I could say anything else, she kissed me chastely on the lips. I wasn’t afraid—just deeply uncomfortable. But it wasn’t terrible, and I felt less like vomiting from anxiety when she kissed me again with a bit more pressure. I stared at her and wondered if I was supposed to flee or roll with it.

She slipped her hand under my shirt to touch my ribs and sighed. “Kylo is mean, isn’t he?”

Oh no. I shook my head spastically. “No, he’s great, he—”

 “I grew up with him, Rey.” She glanced at my mouth and back to my eyes. “I know exactly what he’s like.”

Hope that I hadn’t allowed myself was blooming again. So Jaina knew what her brother was? Maybe she could help me get away from him and go home without being committed. I started to talk and she cut me off with a deeper kiss, tugging me against her and rolling over on top of me. Again, it wasn’t terrible, and I figured if I did what she wanted she’d be more inclined to help me.

 “Get off her, Jaina.”

She broke away from me and was smiling smugly as she slipped out of the bed. I sat up a few inches and pulled the comforter up to my nose, watching Kylo glaring at his sister as she meandered over to him. The movie was still playing in the living room.

 “What’s wrong?” she purred. “You seem cranky.”

 “I’m not in the sharing mood.”

Jaina pouted and touched his chest. “You always used to share with me.”

Kylo grabbed her wrist and slapped her hard across the face. I gasped and covered my mouth, eyes wide and horrified, but Jaina started laughing and brushed her brown hair back. She tried to touch him again and he snatched her other wrist, too, and loomed over her, dark eyes stormy and terrifying.

 “That’s enough,” he said coldly.

His sister groaned in annoyance and glanced over her shoulder at me, grinning. “Doesn’t Rey know the family secret? I assumed as much, if she’s still here after all this time.”

I tightened my grasp on the comforter, eyes flickering between the two of them, as Kylo’s gaze drifted to me, too. Family secret? If it was Kylo being a psychopath, I was well aware of it now.

Jaina wriggled out of his hands—which he allowed her to do, because I knew from experience that he was strong enough to restrain her—and sat in the chair by the wall. She drew her long legs up underneath her and he stood in the doorway, sliding his hands back in his pockets.

 “Rey is my patient,” Kylo said. “Go to bed, Jaina.”

 “You’re a bad liar.” Jaina crossed her arms and rested her head on the wall. “I know why she’s here. But don’t worry—I didn’t tattle on you back then, and I won’t start now.”

The doorbell rang. I was afraid to move even an inch and Kylo pointed down the hallway, still glaring at his sister. She giggled and hopped out of her chair, drifting past him like a wraith, and drew her long, spindly fingers down his cheek. His jaw shifted irately, and he grabbed her wrist again, but Jaina shoved him into the door and, to my utter revulsion, kissed him on the lips.

I wanted to vomit. I watched with horror as Kylo yanked her closer, deepening the kiss, then abruptly shoved her away. She caught herself on the doorframe and looked at me, green eyes eerily bright.

 “Kylo and I are _very_ close,” she said.

Then she twirled out of the room to go answer the door. Her brother watched for a moment before turning his dark eyes back to me. I couldn’t believe that my situation was managing to become worse. I wished I had the courage to smother myself with the pillows. He studied me for a minute and I heard idle chatter from the other room.

 “I won’t let her hurt you,” he said.

My phone was on the nightstand, and I knew he was aware of it. I snatched it before he could get to me but wasn’t able to get past the lock screen before he was on top of me. Kylo wrestled me onto my back, holding my hips between his legs, and pried the phone from my fingers. I screamed and thrashed as the voices came closer and he threw my only means of escape across the room. He grabbed my wrists and pinned them next to my head as my screaming reached a fever pitch.

 “Starting without me?” Jaina called.

 “I don’t want anything to do with this!” It was Breha, and her voice was shaky.

Kylo tried to get up and pull me out of bed. I flailed until I fell on the floor, hitting my shoulder hard, and kept thrashing and shrieking when he tried to pick me up. His hands slipped, and I managed to crawl a few feet before he pinned me on my stomach, fingers like manacles around my wrists. I was sobbing and screaming, and I could see Jacen and Breha standing near the door.

 “Jaina went to get her medicine,” Jacen said, cocking his head.

Breha was covering her mouth and I could see tears in her eyes. She shook her head and turned to leave but Jacen snagged her arm and shook his head.

 “I don’t have to put up with this shit anymore!” Breha insisted, trying to free her arm. “Cara and I are finally happy, and it’s because I put this warped family behind me. Let go, Jacen!”

 “You know we’re supposed to help, Breha.” Jacen yanked her closer and I saw his innocent green eyes take on a malicious edge. “No matter what, our family sticks together.”

I clawed at the carpet and fought against Kylo’s heavy weight on top of me. What kind of fucking nightmare was I trapped in? When would the hypnotist snap her fingers so I could wake up? My life was steadily getting worse ever since Mr. Mahon. It was always men causing me agony, and Kylo was just a culmination of every horrible monster I had met before him.

Jaina came back with the long black case that had the medications. She eagerly held down my hands while her brother opened it and Jacen argued with Breha. I tried to bite Jaina’s fingers and she laughed. I wanted to die. I wanted him to nick an artery when he shoved another needle under my skin and bleed internally, so I never had to wake up and see his face again.

Kylo selected a vial and needle. “Does Breha need something to take the edge off, too?”

 “I think she does,” Jaina hissed excitedly. Her grip tightened on my hands and I could sense her leaning forward over my back. “We should all try to relax.”

The needle pierced my upper arm and I wailed mournfully. Jaina took the needle and I was freed from my restraints, but I was too spent to even try to stand up. Jacen twisted Breha’s arms behind her back and I watched Kylo pick out another vial and needle. She didn’t fight like I did, almost like she knew it was inevitable. Jaina touched his back while he drew the drug into the barrel of the needle.

Breha went limp a minute or two later. I wasn’t as deeply sedated as usual, but my limbs felt like lead and I was drowsy. Jaina took the needle again and Kylo turned to smile at me as I managed to sit up and rubbed my eyes. I was still whimpering to myself.

He crouched down in front of me, tilting his head. “Sleepy girl, hmm? We’re going to put Breha to bed, but you and I…” He tapped the tip of my nose. “You and I are going to chat.”

Jacen hauled his sister out of my bedroom. Jaina was rummaging around in Kylo’s case of drugs and he shoved her away from it. She fell on her backside and scowled when he closed and locked it again.

 “You won’t let me have any fun,” she complained. “First I’m not allowed to help you torture Rey, and now I can’t even get wasted on Ativan.” She folded her arms and pouted. “Why can’t we go back to the old times? Remember when I used to hold Breha down for you?”

 “I do not torture Rey.” Kylo handed Jaina the case. “Put this away.”

Jaina rolled her eyes but did what he asked. He lifted me up by my armpits and wrapped my legs around his waist, carrying me back out to the living room. I groggily saw Jacen tucking Breha in to bed when we walked past the third bedroom. Kylo leaned his head on mine and rubbed my back.

The movie was over and an ominous darkness hung over the living room. Jaina was sitting on the chair, long legs draped over the side, and she made a fake retching noise when she her brother and I. He gently laid me down on the couch and rested my head in his lap. He fanned a blanket over me and his long fingers began stroking through my hair.

 “This is nauseating,” Jaina said. “When do you get to the good stuff?”

 “Shut up, Jaina.” He turned a bit. “Is she asleep, Jacen?”

Jacen collapsed in the other living room chair and nodded, folding his arms behind his head. “Yeah, she passed out. Should we call dad?”

 “No,” Jaina snorted. “This is pretty routine with Breha. Besides, dad will just say what he always does: our family has to stick together. Same thing grandma and grandpa said after their parents fled the Genocide, and then dad will start telling us all the fucked-up stories about that again.”

I didn’t understand anything they were saying. My lower lip quivered while they all chatted like it was a normal situation. Were they all like Kylo? A psychopath family?

Jacen frowned. “Didn’t you stop keeping the girls a long time ago? After dad had to hide the body in the concrete of that office building?”

 “I remember that!” Jaina exclaimed. “That was like the third one Kylo killed. They cut her up and made her into a fossil.” She kicked her legs thoughtfully, tapping her chin. “But like dad said: you are the way you are, and you’re still part of this family. Convenient that dad is a contractor, huh?”

My stomach turned and I moaned. Kylo shushed me and adjusted the blanket.

 “You’re upsetting Rey,” he said frigidly, glaring at Jaina.

 “ _I’m_ upsetting her?!” Jaina burst out laughing. “I’m not the one raping her!”

I woozily looked up into his dark eyes as he brushed his fingertips down my cheek. Others had assaulted me, and I was sure it was only a matter of time until Kylo did. He’d done other things when I was semi-conscious; things I had hazy recollections of. It was all wrong.

He didn’t look away from me. “I have no intentions of forcing myself on Rey.”

Both of his siblings were silent for a minute. Jaina laughed unsurely.

 “Are you sick, Kylo?” she asked. “Maybe if you spend the night with me like we used to—”

 “Shut up, Jaina,” Kylo interrupted offhandedly.

They kept talking for a while, but I couldn’t listen anymore. I tried to sit up a few times and Kylo finally sighed and said he needed to bring me to bed. Jacen left and Jaina said she was going to have a sleepover with Breha, smirking wickedly. I was helpless to intervene as Kylo carried me down the opposite hallway to his bedroom.

 “Why are all of you like this?” I sobbed, draped listlessly over his shoulder.

He shut the door behind us and tugged back the sheets to put me in bed. He leaned over me, frowning, and kissed my forehead. My chest hurt.

 “I’m the black sheep of the family,” he said. He went back to the door to close the blinds, plunging us into near darkness. “Jacen is a gullible moron, and nothing is wrong with Breha. She was my first victim. Jaina suffers from histrionic personality disorder—and she craves my approval.” He slipped into bed, smiling. “I know because I diagnosed her.”

 “I want to go home,” I begged. “Please?”

Kylo pulled me closer and climbed on top of me, pressing himself between my legs. “You _are_ home, Rey.” He kissed away the tears running down my cheeks. “No one loves you the way I do.”

I didn’t even want to acknowledge his horrible delusion that he loved me. His eyes searched mine and he kissed me on the lips, tenderly, then his tongue was in my mouth. I was trembling, terrified of even breathing the wrong way; what if he strangled me again, and this time I didn’t wake up?

He tugged on my pants until they were down to my thighs, and he broke our kiss briefly to suck on his first two fingers. My eyes widened when I felt him stroking between my legs and his mouth captured mine again as one finger slid inside me. I writhed in discomfort for the handful of minutes it went on, and Kylo broke away again to pull my pants off.

A distressing, keening wail echoed through the flat. I tried to sit up but Kylo just yanked my shirt off and pushed me back down. He peeled off his shirt, too, and ran his hands down my body like he’d never seen me naked before. I cried again and he laid down on top of me, whispering in my ear.

 “Shhh. You’re okay. You’re safe.” He nuzzled into my neck and inhaled deeply. “I’ll take care of you.”

 “I want… I want to go home…”

Kylo shifted his pants down just far enough to free himself, and I sobbed harder as he pushed inside me. He groaned, hot breath on my skin. My body wasn’t entirely ready and it hurt a lot.

He moved slowly, rhythmic, grasping the edge of the mattress behind my head to anchor himself. “Will it feel more like home if I impregnate you?”

 “You—you can’t,” I stammered, clenching the sheets.

 “I certainly don’t mind trying.” He whispered in my ear again, tickling my skin. “You were so natural with Jana and Tabby. Nurturing, patient.” His words trailed off for a second as he thrusted violently inside me. “I think I’d enjoy watching a piece of me take control of you from the inside out.”

I squirmed and started trying to get away, but Kylo was too heavy. So there I stayed, tormented by the horrible, degrading things he whispered in my ear, stuck in Hell in the middle of London.


	32. Caress her freezing hair -

The sun was just peeking over the horizon when I woke up. I was in disorienting semi-darkness and rain was pattering away on the windows, casting eerie shadows across the room. It was warm, though—I could feel Kylo’s bare chest under my fingers and his arm wrapped around me, holding my body against his side. I tentatively looked up to find he was still fast asleep.

The room had a faint odor of sex and salt and something else I couldn’t quite place. Kylo sighed in his sleep and I froze, terrified he would catch me awake and try to start something again. But he turned his head slightly and resumed the steady cadence of sleepy breathing.

I swallowed hard. I needed to talk to Breha. She was the only normal one, and I needed to know who the hell the Ren family was and why they were so cool with their brother being a fucking psychopath. But if Jaina caught me, she’d rat me out to Kylo and I had no idea what he would to do me.

Do or die. I glanced at Kylo again, hesitant, then began carefully disentangling myself from him. His grasp was surprisingly weak and I was able to slip out with only one small murmur from him. I stumbled when I got out of bed into the cold darkness and booked it out of the bedroom and down the hallway.

The living room was dimly lit by the street lights and hints of sunlight breaking over the buildings. I skittered to the third bedroom, creeped out by the silence, and nudged the door open.

Breha was lying on her side, wearing a camisole and underwear, and staring at the wall. Her dark eyes roamed to me as I slipped inside the room and tried to shut the door without making noise. She didn’t look anything like the tall, intimidating woman I’d met a few days ago. Her arms were littered with scratches and crescent shapes, and I wondered if she did it to herself, or Jaina did it.

I tugged back the sheets to throw them over her and she closed her eyes. She shifted a bit when I got under the covers with her, but didn’t protest or use her incredibly dominating voice. Her eyes were like Kylo’s, but they were dull and full of unfathomable sadness.

 “Hey,” I whispered, “are you okay?”

 “I’m alive.” Breha studied me, furrowing her eyebrows. “What about you?”

She’d seemed hard to talk to when I met her before, but maybe we had a victim comradery now. I shrugged and tried to smile.

 “I’m alive,” I said.

Breha smiled back at me and shuddered. “Every couple of years I get dragged back into this, and it feels like dying all over again. I keep hoping it’s all just some fucked up dream.”

It was quiet in the bedroom. I could hear the faint sound of Jaina snoring next door. I was more concerned about her find me than her brother.

 “How long has this been going on?” I asked.

 “Forever. Since our mother and father first figured out what Kylo is, when he was still in elementary school and killing the neighborhood cats.” Breha squeezed her eyes shut, like she was fighting a painful memory. “Family is important to our father, and his father, and his father before. Our great grandparents fled the ArmenPoe Genocide, and it was drilled into dad’s head that family has to stick together—no matter what.”

 “Kylo said Han was an immigrant.”

 “He is. Our grandparents went back to Armenia to ‘reconnect with their roots,’ and dad was born there. He came to the states when he was 20 and met our mom. I was born not long after, and Kylo came along 15 months later.”

I chewed the inside of my cheek. “But… didn’t they know what he was doing?”

Breha’s eyes became distant again, and she nodded. “Yes. I would cry to them, beg them to make him stop, and neither of them cared. Dad brainwashed mom into protecting Kylo, no matter what. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to understand why: the horrible stories about the Genocide, or our great grandparents losing their siblings and parents, or if he’s just like Kylo and hides it better. But I don’t know, and I don’t think I ever will.”

It was nauseating to think of my parents turning a blind eye to anyone assaulting me, especially a sibling. Breha looked like she was resigned to her fate, though. Maybe she’d been putting up with it for so long that it became a normal part of life. I wished I could help her, but I couldn’t even help myself.

We both laid there without saying anything else for a while. I didn’t want to keep pushing Breha into dredging up agonizing memories, and I wasn’t ready to know more. Dawn cast an ethereal blue glow across the room when the door whined open.

The bed shifted, and both Breha and I raised our head to see Jaina crouching at the end, green eyes wide and excited. Breha reached out to take my hand and squeezed.

 “What do we have here?” Jaina whispered.

She was fast, and her haunting bright green eyes made her look like a demon. Her long fingers twisted in my hair to yank me out of bed and I fell hard on the floor. I hit my shoulder again and screamed when Jaina laughed and dragged me across the carpet towards the door. Breha came to life and rushed after us, demanding her sister let me go. My hair was tearing at the roots and I thought I was bleeding.

Jaina pulled me across the cold living room floor, ignoring my shrieking, and Breha grabbed her sister’s wrist to try to free me. They locked together, Breha demanding Jaina stop, and Jaina’s grin was bordering on maniacal. She gave my hair another vicious tug.

“KYLO!” she crowed, “GUESS WHAT BREHA WAS—”

The bedroom door down the hall opened so fast that it banged against the opposite wall, interrupting Jaina. She was panting as Kylo emerged, still without a shirt, but now wearing a frightening cold glare. His eyes assessed us: me, crying, Breha, prying at her sister’s fingers, and Jaina, the only happy one. I saw his jaw tighten and his fists clench. He was trembling.

 “What are you doing, Jaina?” he asked in a cool tone that didn’t match his body language.

Jaina laughed again. “I caught these two in bed together!”

She dragged me around to the front of her and I tried to cover my head. Kylo kept opening and closing his fists, staring at me, like he might lose it if he looked anywhere else.

 “We were _talking_ ,” Breha snapped. “Unlike you two, I’m happily married.”

 “Yeah, right!” Jaina beamed at her brother like a dog looking for her reward. “See? I can help you, Kylo. I can keep Rey—” She yanked on my hair until I screamed again— “from doing anything you don’t want her to do. Don’t you miss it? When we used to work together?”

 “Let go of her!” Breha demanded.

 “I’ll let go when—”

Kylo’s voice cut her off, deep and tense. “ _Let go of her._ ”

Jaina looked taken aback. She didn’t let go.

 “But… I caught them,” she insisted. “Aren’t you going to punish them?”

Her fingers kept ripping at my hair. I sobbed and feebly struggled to get away. Through the blurry haze of tears, I could see Kylo’s hand movements getting faster as he became more agitated. He started towards us, now turning his wide, disturbing stare on his younger sister.

Jaina stepped back. “Kylo, I—”

I’d never seen him so angry. He slapped her across the face and she fell backwards on the floor, shocked, and he grabbed her wrist to drag her closer. She tried to get away and he pinned her on the floor to start shouting in her face. Jaina squealed when he slapped her again and he slammed her hands down on the floor when she swatted back at him.

 “What did I tell you?!” he snarled.

His hands wrapped around her throat and he shook her, shouting again, and Jaina burst into tears. I watched for another moment in horror until Breha yanked me to my feet. She helped me down the hallway to my bedroom and shut the door as Jaina’s crying turned into screaming.

The door helped drown out the horrible sounds. Breha helped me sit down on my bed, rustled from Jaina sleeping in it, and turned on the TV. She was trembling.

 “He’s… he’s going to kill her!” I exclaimed.

Breha set the remote down when she found Food Network and shook her head. “He won’t—but he’ll come close.” She looked towards the door, then turned and smiled weakly. “We’ll be safe in here.”

I heard another shrill scream from Jaina and Kylo’s deep voice shouting back at her. There were loud sounds, like someone punching the floor, and I covered my ears. It was horrible. I couldn’t bear it. He was enraged, and I knew he’d seriously hurt her if no one intervened.

I swallowed hard, bracing myself, and rushed out of the bedroom before Breha noticed. She gasped and called for me to stop when I was halfway down the hall, but I managed to get to Kylo and Jaina before she could catch up to me.

There was blood all over the floor. Jaina was crying and her brother was on top of her, whispering things, and her legs writhed listlessly. I noticed her hands were stretched out like she was being crucified, and Kylo had plunged knives into her palms. I covered my mouth in horror and thought I would vomit. We’d only been gone for a handful of minutes.

Kylo went for her throat again and I fought the instinct to run the other way. I stepped in a puddle of blood in my rush to grab his shoulder before he ended up killing his own sister.

His angry dark eyes flashed and he reached out with a bloody hand like he was going to strangle me instead—but he stopped just short of my neck, panting, and his furious glare weakened. I was frozen, terrified of what would happen if I even took a breath, and Jaina was whimpering on the floor. But he was looking at me imploringly, like he needed to hear me speak.

Trembling, I touched his cheek with my other hand. “…Stop.”

He looked back down at his sister, surveying the damage he had done, before standing up. Her face was bloody, too, but most of it was flowing out of her hands, pooling near my feet. I exchanged a glance with Breha. She watched Kylo, mystified, as he rubbed his forearm across his head.

 “Fix this,” he said, turning to Breha. “Stitches are in Rey’s bathroom.”

She just nodded quickly and rushed to Jaina’s side. I stared up until Kylo touched my cheek with a gory hand, when Breha was ripping one of the knives from her sister’s palms.

His fingers drifted into my hair, as did his gaze. “Are you alright?”

 “Um… Yeah.” I winced as his fingertips drifted across my scalp.

 “You’re bleeding.” He drew his hand away and jerked his head towards the opposite hallway. “Come. We both need to shower.”

Jaina continued crying quietly to herself while I followed Kylo towards his bedroom. Breha looked up at me and shrugged, motioning in a clockwise circle next to her ear. Yeah, he was d _efinitely_ crazy.

I turned around just in time for Kylo to scoop me up before I stepped on the carpet and left bloody footprints. He carried me into the bathroom and set me down, then went to the sink to wash his hands. His bare chest was streaked with bodily fluids, presumably from Jaina clawing at him in her desperation to escape. I shivered at the thought.

 “Why did you stop me?”

I blinked out of my reverie. Kylo wasn’t looking at me. He was scrubbing away at his hands and wrists, staining the white sink red. He had a streak of blood on his cheek where I had touched him.

 “Uh… because you could’ve killed her?” I said it like it should’ve been obvious—because, _duh_?

He turned off the water and glanced down at his sweatpants. They were pretty bloody, too, so he wiped his hands on them and turned his curious gaze on me.

 “Empathy, then.” He pursed his lips, frowning like it didn’t make sense, then went out into his bedroom. “Even after all these years with neurotypicals, I still don’t understand it. Jaina didn’t tear my hair out, but I still would’ve loved watching her bleed to death. I’m not sure if it stems from sadism, like usual, or a desire for revenge.”

 “Revenge for what?” I called.

Kylo didn’t respond for a few minutes. I shuffled over to the shower to start the water and when I turned back, he was right behind me. I jumped and made a humiliating squeaking sound—how the fuck did he do that?!

There were clean clothes on the bathroom sink and he had already taken his off. He touched my chin with his curled index finger to bring my eyes up to his, and cocked his head, smiling.

 “Don’t be obtuse, Rey,” he said. “Clearly I’m speaking of revenge for you.”

 “…Oh. But why?”

He snapped his fingers and gestured for me to raise my arms so he could pull my shirt off. I took my own pants off before he could and stepped into the shower, rubbing my arms and shivering. Kylo moved me under the water and let it soak into my hair. I winced.

 “That’s what’s so interesting,” he said, continuing our conversation. He wiped his wet hand across his cheek and eyed the blood on his palm. “If I lack empathy, why would I endeavor revenge for someone other than myself?”

The water drizzled around us as I chewed on his words and he tenderly washed the blood and loose hair off my head. It was true. There was no earthly reason why he should care. So why did he?

The bathtub looked like a murder scene when we were done. I was sort of regretting stopping Kylo from killing his sister when I saw clumps of my thick blonde hair, some bloody near the root. Thankfully I had enough left in my scalp that I didn’t have any bald spots.

I reached up to investigate but Kylo shook his head, pushing my wrist down.

 “You’ll make it worse,” he said. He scooped up a fistful of my hair, scowling. “Perhaps we could shave her head. I think she’s bled enough by now.”

 “I’m not being your accomplice. Ever.”

I got out of the tub and almost fell flat on my face but managed to catch myself. Kylo was cleaning up the hair, watching me with an eyebrow raised, pitying my clumsiness.

 “You will be,” he said. He stepped out, too, much more graceful than me, and threw the hair away.

 “How do you figure?”

He opened the cabinet under the sink to take out a towel and wrapped it around me, smiling. “Don’t you remember our conversation last night?”

 “It’s all a traumatizing blur at this point,” I said acidly.

 “Ah.” Kylo dried my body off and began carefully working on my hair. “Well we need to pay a visit to a few people—I think the teacher will be first—and I may need your help.”

 “…Mr. Mahon?”

Kylo didn’t say anything, just kept smiling. He finished drying my hair and tossed the damp towels in the hamper before drying himself off. I stood there, concern twisting my stomach, and put on the clothes he had brought me. No pants—not that it mattered, because his shirts all draped down to my thighs. But there was a black pair of my panties and I realized with mild disgust that they were the pair I’d noticed missing earlier in the week.

I became more apprehensive when he still failed to explain himself after getting dressed. He examined himself in the mirror, running his fingers through his beard. It wasn’t short and neatly trimmed like when we first met.

 “What are you going to do to Mr. Mahon?” I asked.

 “Nothing he doesn’t deserve.” Kylo frowned, cocking his head. “Maybe I should shave… But it grows back so quickly.” His eyes flickered to my reflection in the mirror. “What do you think, Rey?”

I stared back at him. “What are you going to do?”

The bathroom was quiet, cloaked in steam and heat. Kylo rolled his eyes and drew back from the mirror, like I’d asked him why the sky was blue, and still didn’t answer. I scowled when he left the bathroom without responding to me and followed close behind. My heart was pattering faster.

I could see down the hallway that Breha had cleaned up the blood on the floor. There was no sign of her or Jaina, though. An ominous atmosphere hung over the flat.

 “Hey!” I snapped, grabbing Kylo’s bicep. “Don’t ignore—”

He spun around and seized my arm, dragging me right in front of him. He was so tall that he had to crane his neck to look down at me. His jaw tightened, like he was restraining himself, then he smiled. I wrung my hands as he ran his fingers through my hair to cradle the back of my head.

 “I’m going to slit his throat,” Kylo whispered. He leaned closer, smile widening. “And when I’m through with him, I’m going to snap Poe’s neck with my bare hands. Do you know why, Rey?”

I stared up at him, too terrified to speak, but managed to shake my head. No. I don’t know why you do _anything_. Ever. You’re about as readable as Mandarin to me.

His voice took on a hard, sharp edge, still eerily quiet. “Because I don’t like when people touch my belongings without my consent.”

A door opened down the hallway and I was mercifully freed from Kylo’s penetrating gaze. He swept past me and I stood there for another minute, head spinning. I needed to call the police. Sure, I hated Mr. Mahon and Poe for what they did to me, but murdering them wasn’t the solution. I ran a hand through my hair, flinching when my scalp stung, and followed Kylo.

Breha was talking to him near the third bedroom. He touched her arm and I could tell, even from a distance, when she stiffened from the contact. He went into the bedroom and she noticed me. She looked over her shoulder when Kylo shut the door and rushed over to me.

She grabbed me by the upper arms and shook me. “Jesus, Rey! What are you, the Psychopath Whisperer?!”

 “No!” I snapped, shoving her back. “Is Jaina okay?”

 “Huh? Oh, yeah, she’s been through worse. Her hands are fucked up, though, so she’ll be out of work for a while and have to stay home with mom and dad.” She seized my arms again, staring at me in wonder. “You made him stop.”

 “Who gives a fuck?! He still made a nice tribute to his passionate faith in Jesus when he _crucified her on the floor!”_ I drove home my point with jazz hands.

Breha swatted them away. “I’ll regale you with worse stories one day—but that’s not the point. Kylo doesn’t ever stop, Rey.” She looked me dead in the eyes, sad. “Ever.”

But it wasn’t just sadness I saw. Her eyes were like mine when I stared at my reflection in the mirror every time Poe left me alone in my dorm room, or when I cried in the school bathroom after Mr. Mahon. It was blatantly obvious that Jaina and Kylo had been physically involved but it dawned on me that they probably started with an unwilling victim.

Breha said they tortured her. I heard her screaming the night before when Jaina was in her room. My stomach knotted at the thought of them going beyond psychological harm into the realm of taboo physical violation; the same trauma I had experienced. But from her _brother and sister._ I covered my mouth, holding back bile.

She peered over her shoulder again as the door opened, then grabbed my shoulders. “I know what you’re thinking about, but don’t panic. Whatever you’re doing is working, so keep doing it, or he’ll descend like a vulture.”

 “What are you two whispering about?”

Kylo had his hands in his pockets and was eyeing us shrewdly as he approached. Breha let go of me like I’d burned her and shrugged.

 “Jaina,” she said. “Rey even worries about horrible people.”

 “…Ah. I see.” He nodded towards the hallway. “Her injuries are more severe than I thought. She needs to go to the hospital. Do you mind, Breha?”

 “Not a problem.”

My skin crawled at the prospect of being left alone again with her brother. Breha turned and left me to get dressed, and Kylo’s hand slithered around my waist. I trembled, squeezing my eyes shut. Help me. Someone please help me.


	33. Sip, Goblin, from the very lips

Breha and Jaina left without much fanfare. I wished I had more time to talk to Breha, so I could learn the facts without the slant Kylo would undoubtedly taint them with. She gathered up her things and I knew she had no intentions of coming back. I wrung my hands near the door, Kylo looming behind me, and wanted to scratch the itch in my throat demanding I scream for her to call the police. It wouldn’t be of any use if the rest of his family would protect him.

The front door shut, and my hopes of escape were dashed again.

Kylo yawned and kissed the back of my head. “Our flight is in a few hours. Do you need help packing?”

I resented how blasé he was. My fear simmered into anger, and I spun around, shaking him off me like I’d just walked through a spider web. He blinked in surprise but smiled when I scowled up at him.

 “What did you do to your sister?” I demanded.

 “Which one?”

 “You know which one!”

He laughed and walked past me to the kitchen. I trailed after him, furious, and folded my arms while he got two bottles of water. He offered me one that I refused and opened his to take a long drink.

 “And I’m not helping you kill anyone,” I added, bristling like a pissed off cat. “I’m not going to be a willing victim like Jaina.”

 “You’ve been willing so far. Then again…” He gestured to himself, smirking, and took another sip of water. “How could you not be?”

I clenched my hands into fists. “That was before I knew you were subhuman.”

 “Oh, that’s not very nice. Are you cranky because I kept you up last night? How about a nap?”

The urge to punch Kylo right in his smarmy mouth was strong, but starting a physical fight with him wouldn’t end well for me. Trembling with rage, I pivoted on my heel and stormed towards my bedroom to get to work on packing. Breha was right: whatever I was doing was working, and I couldn’t let him get to me. Think happy thoughts, think happy—

 “I love you, Rey.”

Fury jolted through me like a strike of lightning and I whirled right back around. Kylo was obviously expecting my reaction and he laughed when I attacked him in an enraged flurry, screaming.

 “You’re a sister-raping, murdering, scheming—!”

He yanked me into a hug, nuzzling his nose into the top of my head, and I struggled to free myself. His arms were like a cage and his fingertips pressed into my skin until it hurt.

 “Poor sweet girl,” he sighed, squeezing me until I gasped. “You’re overcome with emotions that you can’t control without my help. I’m flattered by the depth of your love for me.” His hold became asphyxiating when I screamed into his chest. “I’ll tire you out for your nap.”

A terrified _NO_ kept rattling around in my head and ringing in my ears. Kylo carried me in the position he’d locked me in, dragging me when I tried to dig my heels into the carpet. He whistled while I used my trapped hands to sink my fingernails into his abs. I knew exactly how he would tire me out.

He dropped me on the floor in his bedroom and shut the door behind us. I coughed, trying to catch my breath, and managed to prop myself up on my elbows. Kylo twisted the lock and checked his watch.

 “Seven o’clock now, flight departs at one…” He clicked his tongue, squinting. “We’ll have to leave by 11:30, and I still need to pack your things. Or I can leave them here for when we visit, since I’d prefer to pick what you wear, anyway. What do you think?”

 “Go fuck yourself,” I wheezed.

He hauled me off the floor and onto the bed. I clawed at the sheets and tried to get off my stomach but Kylo’s body was bearing down on mine a few seconds later. His hands slapped over mine, fingers knitting, restraining me. I panted in fear, eyes roaming wildly to find an escape when he buried his face in the side of my neck. His knees were between my legs and I couldn’t move.

 “You said you wouldn’t hurt me.” I swallowed hard, trying to be brave, trying to think straight.

 “Suffering is entirely subjective. You can choose to enjoy what I do to you—or not.” His lips brushed the edge of my throat. “Regardless, you need to be punished for your insolence.”

Kylo gently tugged my skin with his lips and rolled it between his teeth. I squirmed underneath him, desperate to ignore the pleasant quiver passing through me, and reddened when he pushed his hard-on against my butt. It was claustrophobic and took a humiliating turn as he began rhythmically moving.

 “This will be much easier if you obey me,” he whispered into my ear.

Before I could make another biting comment, a phone started ringing somewhere in the flat.

Mercifully, Kylo stopped. He muttered under his breath and got off me to go answer the call. I scrambled to sit up against the headboard and glared at his back as he walked down the hall. Asshole.

The phone was on the kitchen island and I could see his facial expression change from mild annoyance to confusion. He picked up the call and lowered his voice to talk to whoever was on the other line. I narrowed my eyes and hopped out of the bed to go snoop.

 “…See Morrow first.” Kylo noticed me and turned away. “Je suis un peu occupé avec ma femme, et maintenant elle écoute notre conversation. Je vais appeler quand nous sommes aux États-Unis."

A male voice responded back in French. I pursed my lips irately and wished I hadn’t taken Spanish. Who was Morrow, and who was Kylo talking to that he wanted to hide from me?

 “Who was that?” I asked after he hung up.

 “None of your business, last time I checked.” He checked his watch again. “We’re taking an earlier flight. I’m needed in Nevada. You’ll need to pack your things; I don’t have a permanent home there.”

Thank god. I breathed a sigh of relief when Kylo called someone else and walked away. Whoever he talked to had bought me some more time to clear my head. Showing fear didn’t seem to provoke him, but he definitely didn’t like me giving him an attitude. Breha was right, obviously. I had to be compliant. He told me outright that was what he liked and wanted from me.

Kylo was like a shark. When he smelled blood in the water, he killed the source.

I went back to my bedroom to pack and found my phone in my nightstand drawer. Leah had texted me a bunch of times, as had my mom, so I sat down for a few minutes to catch up with them. I’d been lying to everyone about my feelings for most of my life. Continuing to do it came naturally.

Now I was closing another dark chapter of my life, and I was sure worse ones would follow. I folded my shirts and pants into my suitcase and wondered what was next. Would I ever see Arnie again? I wouldn’t see my parents for a while, since Kylo had to go straight to Nevada. I’d never been out west. That would be an interesting experience, maybe.

 “Silver linings,” I grumbled.

I knew I’d barely touched the tip of the iceberg with Kylo. He was repulsive enough so far, even before it dawned on me that he raped his own sister. Killing people, drugging them—drugging _me_. But he said he wanted to ‘share his life with me,’ and my very justified anger would seem like an insult to him.

I finished packing within half an hour and got dressed in jeans and a sweater. Kylo was in the kitchen with a suitcase, too, wearing dress shoes and his long black coat. He was still on the phone and opened the front door for me. I took a deep breath and wheeled out into the hallway, heart racing.

 “Kholt tol'ko chto pozvonil mne. Yego zhena vse vremya pytayetsya ubezhat', i chto-to ne tak s Maeva. Snachala ya dolzhen uvidet' Morrow. Reinhart nuzhdayetsya vo mne.” Kylo stepped outside the flat and turned to lock it, glancing at me. “Da, ya yeye.”

Not only did he speak French, but it sounded like he spoke Russian. He kept talking to the person on the other line, laughing a few times as we left the building and headed out into the cold, dark London morning. He hailed a cab and motioned for me to get in while he helped the driver load our things into the back of it. I was kind of annoyed to find him still talking on the phone in the car.

The conversation finally ended at the airport. Kylo was back in travel mode and I had to practically run to keep up with him. He handed me my passport while we waited near the gate for our flight, texting away on his phone. I kept forgetting how busy he was supposed to be. This past week had been his vacation.

 “How many languages do you speak?” I asked, watching people running by with their luggage.

He didn’t look away from the phone. “Ten, and enough to get by in about five more.”

Holy shit. I blinked at him in shock. “Seriously?”

 “I travel all over the world, Rey. I’m very good at what I do.” Kylo put his phone in his breast pocket and checked his watch again. “Boarding should start soon.”

 “Well… what ones do you know?”

My question seemed to irritate him, but he rattled them off, anyway.

 “I’m fluent in English, Armenian, Spanish, French, Russian, Mandarin, Hindi, Arabic, German, and Japanese. I can speak enough Portuguese, Italian, Vietnamese, Korean, and Bengali to get by. Learning some Latin in medical school was useful, but it’s a dead language.”

 “How… How did you have time to learn all of that?”

The woman at the gate announced boarding and Kylo rose, buttoning his coat. He was different now. Tense again, like he had been back in Maine.

 “It distracted me from my other hobbies,” he said with a malicious smile. “Come, we’re in first class.”

Just when I thought I had figured him out, something else popped up. I trailed after him through the gate, noting the attendant’s gaze flickering between Kylo and I. She raised an eyebrow but smiled and handed us back our tickets. Her eyes lingered on me and I smiled back awkwardly.

First class looked different on this plane than the last one. The seats were closer together and it was more like a giant couch with two TVs than sharply separated seats. They could lie flat so I could sleep the entire eleven hour non-stop flight to Las Vegas.

I frowned at Kylo as I took the window seat. “The woman at the gate was staring at me.”

He was putting our carry-ons in the overhead compartment and smirked down at me. “Maybe because you’re so pretty.”

A steward approached to help, touching Kylo’s upper arm, and I rolled my eyes when he picked up on the guy’s accent and started speaking to him in Spanish. It was like he had his own gravitational pull that people were helpless to resist, male or female. The man walked away as Kylo sat down without his coat.

 “What’s up with these seats?” I asked, making a face when he put an arm around my shoulders.

 “Aren’t they interesting?” His eyes roamed down. “Ah—maybe the gate attendant was staring at the mark I left on your neck.”

I scowled and turned on my phone’s front camera to check my reflection. Sure enough, there was a reddish-purple hickey towards the back of my neck where Kylo’s teeth had been a few hours before. My ears heated up and I swept my hair over my shoulder to try to hide the mark.

 “I should send a picture to my mom,” I said. “Then she can see the quality care you’re giving me that an institution wouldn’t provide.”

 “Well, there I do have one glaring benefit.”

 “And what is that?”

Kylo kissed the side of my head, whispering in my ear as passengers walked by. “The sex wouldn’t be consensual in an institution.”

I grinded my teeth. “Last night wasn’t consensual.”

 “No?” He used his free arm to scroll around on the TV in front of us, eyebrows raised like he was shocked. “I must have imagined you moaning and gyrating on top of me.”

An older white woman was walking by and gave Kylo and I a wide-eyed, revolted look. He flashed her a sarcastic grin and she huffed and kept walking towards the back of the plane. His smile instantly disappeared when she passed, and he went back to picking a movie. I covered my face and sank down in the seat, humiliated.

 “Shut up,” I hissed.

He picked a comedy and settled back, touching his chest with his fingertips and batting his eyelashes. “Excuse you, _sir_ ,” he said in a high-pitched voice, “sex is dirty and shameful, and Rey Kenobi isn’t some kind of animal!”

 “ _Cut it out!_ ”

Kylo snickered when I elbowed him in the ribs. Coach was filling up and people were openly staring at us. I had seen the same looks when mom and dad brought me out as a kid. Interracial couples got it a lot. The older I got, the more I would say something when I caught them staring—and I couldn’t stop now.

I glared at a middle-aged man who was frowning at us. “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.”

 “Rey, my love,” Kylo laughed, glancing at the guy and squeezing me closer to his side, “let’s not be rude to the concerned bystanders.”

 “Don’t worry!” I called as the guy rolled his eyes, walking past. “Still none of your business!”

A woman walking by giggled and Kylo yanked me back down in the seat. He gave me a stern look and handed me headphones to watch the movie. Glum, I slipped them over my ears and pouted.

The plane took off not soon after. Kylo took out his laptop and glasses and started typing up what looked like case reports. I’d always liked doing those in vet school. Cornell had some of the most interesting and varied cases in the country, due to being the first veterinary school in the U.S., and we took full advantage of it. We listened to the best speakers, heard about the most difficult diseases to treat…

I cocked my head, eyeing Kylo’s focused facial expression. Why couldn’t a psychopath be cured? If it was a lack of empathy, there were plenty of pills that could help. But what was it like, being unable to feel empathy? I felt the pain of the animals I helped care for in school, and I felt it deeply. It made me a better healer. Yet Kylo felt nothing of the sort, and he was at the top of his field.

 “You look like you want to ask me something.” He kept typing, dark eyes flickering around the screen.

Plenty of things, none of which would have a comforting reply.

I shrugged and took off the headphones, long done with the movie. “Yeah, but there’s no point.”

 “I won’t lie to you. I may hide some truths, or refuse to answer, but I won’t lie.”

 “…Fine.” I reclined my seat and turned on my side to look at him, fanning a blanket over myself. “Why do you keep saying that you love me if you supposedly don’t feel empathy?”

His fingers paused. “…Because it’s the closest I’ve come to feeling it.”

 “How do you know?” I pressed.

Kylo closed the laptop abruptly, setting it on his table, and folded his arms. “I’ve read about empathy countless times, since it’s one of the pillars of sociology, and I witness it on a daily basis. Love is more complicated—difficult to observe, and impossible to understand unless you’ve felt it. But my prism of the human experience is vastly different from yours, or any other person’s who feels empathy, which changes the nature of my emotions.”

 “I figured you were just messing with me.” I pulled my blanket up to my chin, yawning. “Then explain in what ways you feel differently about me than other people.”

 “People are about as important to me as ants on the sidewalk are to you. I don’t notice them, I find them repulsive in groups, and I don’t want them in my house. I don’t care if they starve or breed or die, because, though they are important to society as a large group, they are insignificant to me.”

 “…That doesn’t answer my question,” I muttered.

 “I’ve never paid attention to the minutiae of other people, but I notice yours—and I like them.” His arm slipped around my shoulders, pulling me to his chest, dark gaze sucking me in. “For example, the smell of your perfume when we first met. Sweet, like sugar cookies. It’s how you usually smell to me now, with or without the perfume. It’s very strange.”

My cheeks flushed. “Well you can thank Bath & Bodyworks for that.”

Kylo smiled, sliding his fingers inside the sleeve of my sweater to touch the scabbed-over scratches. “I like how soft your skin is, too. The width of your hips, the size of your hands… The texture of your hair when I run my fingers through it.” He pressed his forehead to mine, refusing to free me from his penetrating eyes. “I like your dimples when you smile, and the lines on your forehead when you frown. But one of my favorite things is—”

 “Can I get either of you anything to eat or drink?”

Both of us glanced up at the steward like we’d done something wrong. Kylo’s Adam’s apple bobbed and he disentangled from me to request wine and salads for both of us. The steward smiled at him and went on to the next person in first class, and I moved my seat up and cleared my throat.

 “Thanks for the detailed response,” I said awkwardly.

Kylo smiled, opening his laptop. “Oh, there’s more, but we’ll save it for another day.”

I smiled back and put my headphones back on to watch another movie, heart racing. That was why I didn’t want to ask him questions: his answers would slowly humanize him, and I’d be wrestling with even deeper immoral feelings for a psychopath.


	34. The Lover - hovered - o'er -

Nevada was vastly different from Maine. The barren, dusty landscape and towering mountain ranges on the flight in seemed like they belonged on an entirely different planet. I saw cactuses and tumbleweeds and the sun was hot and oppressive overhead. It impressed me on the entire drive to our hotel, but Kylo was back on the phone talking to people and texting.

I sent Rose, mom, dad, Finn, and Armie some pictures of the landscape. There was still no word on what had happened to Armie, but I wanted to at least try to talk to him. I couldn’t admit that he was right, though—not just because of my pride, but also to protect him and me from Kylo’s wrath.

 “Do you miss pine trees yet?”

The cab was dropping us off and Kylo had our luggage. He was tipping the cabbie and smiling at me, eyebrows raised over his sunglasses, and I was still mystified by the cactuses and succulents planted right in the ground. Snow wouldn’t come wipe them out. Bizarre.

 “Sort of,” I said, snapping more pictures of barrel cactuses. “It’s really… brown.”

 “Compared to Maine, yes.”

He thanked the cabbie, who raised his eyebrows at the tip and thanked Kylo profusely. It was around 5pm and we were staying in a clean chain hotel with suites. I waved to the cab driver when he left, and Kylo touched the small of my back to lead me inside.

The air conditioning was a welcome relief. July was just beginning—I couldn’t believe I’d left school almost two months ago—and I’d never felt such sweltering heat. The sweater I’d chosen to wear back in London increasingly seemed like a bad idea as the man at the check-in counter sized me up. His shiny gold nametag said his name was Carl.

 “Welcome to the Hilton,” Carl said, smiling at both of us. “Do you have a reservation?”

We were just outside Las Vegas, so reservations over summer were generally a must. Kylo gave him the information and flipped open his wallet to show him his ID. I happened to be looking at the counter and caught a glimpse of my beaming face in one of the plastic windows. I didn’t see it long enough to figure out where he got it from.

A weird sense of satisfaction tingled in my chest. He was keeping a picture of me. It was sweet, in a way; but it was also a creepy invasion of privacy. The affection of a murdering rapist who abused his own sister wasn’t something that should give me even an iota of pleasure, anyway. I awkwardly averted my eyes to the lounge, where a couple people were hanging out with luggage.

Kylo and I wheeled our stuff to the elevator and it brought us to the third floor. I’d been in this type of hotel before with mom and dad. We went down to the last room at the end of the hall, and Kylo handed me a card key and inserted his into the lock. It flickered green and he opened it, motioning for me to go in first, and took my luggage from me.

We had a small kitchen with a full-sized fridge, oven, and an island. There was a living room directly across from the door, and the bedroom was through a door to the right. I sourly wondered what mom and dad would think of my psychiatrist sharing a hotel room with me.

 “We’ll leave for Ely tomorrow,” Kylo said as the door slammed shut. “It’s four hours north. Seth is in a maximum security federal prison, but you’ll be coming along as my student.”

I frowned, peering into the bedroom. White sheets, ick. “And why do I have to meet him?”

Kylo wheeled our things past me and parked them in the corner of the bedroom. The bathroom was on the right side of the room, with a small sink and vanity outside where the toilet and shower were. He took off his sunglasses and picked up the channel guide in front of the TV.

 “Seth is a good introduction into my little circle,” he said. “Intelligent, shrewd, and now heavily medicated. Meeting someone like Liev first would be quite a shock to you.”

 “…Great.” I sat on the edge of the bed and sighed. “Where else are you dragging me off to?”

 “Louisiana is next, to see Chris. Liev is in Colorado, and Pierre is in Maine.” Kylo turned on the TV to the cooking channel, watching with his head cocked. “Where did you learn to cook? You’re quite good.”

 “Uh… my dad.”

Kylo snickered. “Your family couldn’t be more unconventional if they tried.”

I rolled my eyes and went to my suitcase to find pajamas. I’d slept most of the flight, but the jet lag was still kicking my ass. A nice, long 14-hour sleep would get me back on track. I couldn’t help but see that my life had come full circle. I used to sleep maybe four hours a night in school—now I slept ten or more.

 “Guess so,” I muttered. “Anyway, Pierre sounds like the biggest creep of the bunch.”

 “He’s deeply disturbed, yes. Liev was worse.” Kylo shrugged, sitting on the bed without looking away from Guy Fieri. “He had uncontrolled psychosis for many years. Hallucinations, grand delusions about a pontiff and post-apocalyptic America. He’s become much better since starting Haldol, and he and Penelope are quite happy together.”

 “Once again, not sure why I have to meet these people. Are you all in Psychopaths Anonymous? And why do these women stay with these crazy douchebags, anyway?” I shook my head in disgust, heading to the bathroom to shower and change. “If a serial killer got me pregnant—” I looked over my shoulder pointedly at Kylo, who was not paying attention— “I’d throw myself down the stairs.”

He got up from the bed, still intrigued by the cooking show, but managed to tear his eyes away from it to give me a reproachful look. “You’re oversimplifying a highly complicated situation.”

 “What’s complicated?” I set my clothes on the counter outside the bathroom and took a robe out of the closet. Ahh, soft hotel robes. “When you find out a guy likes murdering or raping people, you call the police and leave him. Mystery solved.”

Kylo placed clothes on the counter, too, once again appearing out of nowhere. He reached past me to take out a robe, too, and my cheeks flushed when he touched the small of my back again.

 “Genevieve and Charlotte did escape from their captors,” he said, “but Pierre and Liev are a different breed. They’re both extremely violent, possessive, and controlling. They have resources all over the globe. Penelope and Natalie were deliberately chosen because they would be easy victims, yet emotions became complicated for everyone involved.”

 “Something tells me that Seth and Chris weren’t nice, either.”

 “Of course not.” Kylo went into the bathroom to turn the shower on and started stripping like it was no big deal. “But they were both sloppy, and keeping multiple captives is always a gamble. That’s why both of them were outsmarted and that’s why both of them are in prison.”

It should’ve been pretty routine to see him naked by now. But I still turned away and resented him for interrupting my private shower. He sauntered up to me to take my clothes off, too, without bothering to ask. I relented when Breha’s advice echoed in my head.

 “Sounds like you’re the nerd in Psychopaths Anonymous,” I said scathingly.

Kylo laughed, tossing our clothes into a pile. “More or less.” He touched the tip of my nose and smiled. “Which is why I don’t go around sullying my hands with indiscriminate murder and rape—and how I came to possess you without creating a single ripple.”

The shower was ready. He tugged me inside, washing my hair and body again without asking permission. It was strange. Poe had been a controlling boyfriend, but Kylo’s behavior was even more peculiar. I scowled at his chest while he washed my hair and felt like a prized piece of memorabilia. He liked keeping me clean and fed and relatively happy because I was a valuable commodity.

It was a deeply personal means of control. Not violent, but intrusive and disturbing nonetheless. But was it anything like what the other women had suffered? Kylo insisting on picking out my food and clothes and washing me like a prized racehorse wasn’t _that_ bad.

We finished up and I hurriedly got dressed. Kylo had yet another phone call when he stepped out with a towel around his waist, and I couldn’t help but ogle him for a minute. He was inhumanly attractive. It reminded me of how venomous animals were usually the prettiest—as a warning to others.

He glanced at me, wincing and holding the phone away from his ear. “Jana wants to talk to you.”

Jana! I squealed with excitement and snatched the phone from him to take it in the living room.

 “Hi, Miss Rey!” peeped her cute English accent. “I miss you!”

 “Aww, I miss you, too! I wish we could’ve said goodbye before I left.”

Jana made a disappointed sound. “Me too. I had lots of fun with you and Mr. Kylo.” She lowered her voice, whispering conspiratorially. “He was kinda scary, though.”

I heard Olivia laughing and telling Jana to go play with her father. She protested a bit, but Ed called her from afar and her feet pounded across the floor.

 “Hey, Rey,” Olivia said. “I was hoping to see you, too. Jana is crazy about you, so if you ever find yourself back in London, feel free to borrow her.”

 “I’d be more than happy to! She’s such a great kid. Tabby is an easy baby.”

 “Only for guests!” She laughed with me and cleared her throat. “Anyway, I wanted to let you know that we’re disbursing the first part of the scholarship tomorrow. Kylo told me you’d be back in school by September, but if you’re not, don’t worry about it—you just need to return within the next year.”

 “Thank you so much. I’ll let my parents know.”

Kylo emerged from the bedroom in plain gray sweatpants and a black Aerosmith t-shirt. He sat right beside me on the couch and put an arm around my shoulders as he leaned back. I kept chatting away with Olivia and he turned on the TV and ran a hand through his thick black hair.

The phone vibrated with a new message and I let Olivia go. I curiously checked the screen to see a message from a guy named Felix Weiss who was asking if Kylo would be around Colorado any time soon. It was snatched from me seconds later and Kylo gave me a dirty look while texting the guy back.

 “Boyfriend?” I asked.

 “Felix is a patient, and I’ve never had a significant other, Rey.” He simpered as he set the phone beside him. “But I do like sleeping with other men.”

I rolled my eyes. “I hope you aren’t expecting me to participate in a threesome.”

 “Unfortunately, no. My exciting sexual escapades are over now.”

 “You’re a one-woman psychopath. Very respectful of you.”

Kylo squinted at the television show before giving in and putting on his glasses that were on the side table. Somehow, it made him even more alluring. I tamped down my wandering mind and tried to ignore him and watch whatever was being cooked on TV.

 “I can’t risk giving you a venereal disease. That would certainly raise some suspicion.” His phone vibrated and he checked it, typing with one hand. “And the thought of another man or woman touching you makes me physically ill, as does the thought of them having indirect contact with you via close physical contact with my body.”

I looked at him, perplexed. “…You think someone touching you will contaminate me?”

He scrolled through his texts, not returning my look. “Yes. And every man who has been inside your body has to die for adulterating it.”

Once again, I was at a loss for words. Kylo’s logic wasn’t matching up in my mind, but that was probably a good thing. I stared at him for another minute until he glanced up and noticed me and smiled. Did he know it was crazy to kill everyone who slept with me, or did he genuinely think it was a good idea?

I frowned. “What if my mom hugs me?”

 “I’ll allow it.” He settled in beside me and pulled me closer, resting his cheek on my head. “But I won’t like it.”

Yeah, definitely weird. But I kept my mouth shut and didn’t make the nasty comment brewing in my throat. Maybe his possessiveness of me ran deeper than I thought.

We had dinner brought up soon after: heaping salads with fruits, vegetables, nuts, and chicken. I was accustomed to eating rabbit food during my hardcore dieting days so I finished mine faster than Kylo. He ate about three bites before dousing it in Italian dressing. We were sitting at the island and I nosily checked the dressing to kale ratio.

 “You know, if I ate that dressing, I’d gain five pounds,” I said, more bitter than I expected.

Kylo shrugged, swallowing before talking. “I wouldn’t know—my body is almost entirely the result of lucky genetics. No amount of fasting and exercising will make this happen in most men.” He set down his fork and lifted his shirt to press his fingertips into his defined abs. “I exercise and usually eat healthy, but it doesn’t require much effort.”

I was mesmerized by him again, reaching out to touch him without realizing it. He kept his shirt up with one hand and kept eating with the other, like he was totally used to women groping him during dinner. His skin was hard and warm and paler than mine: like alabaster against brass. I laid my palm flat on his stomach and pressed down, trying to make sure he wasn’t a robot in human flesh.

 “Don’t worry,” I muttered, “I have enough fat for both of us.”

He choked laughing and the muscles flexed underneath my hand. It was like he’d been sculpted out of granite. Every small movement he made, his muscles and ligaments pressed out from under his oddly beautiful hard skin. My eyes traveled up to the fingers wound around the hem of his shirt, over the arch of his forearm where another long muscle strained against his flesh, crisscrossed with veins.

Kylo drank some water, trying to stifle more snickering, and I stared at his Adam’s apple bobbing. The tendons in his neck were just as well-defined as every other part of his body. Water slithered down his chin and he let go of the shirt to catch it, coughing and shaking his head and still laughing.

I liked his dark, serious eyes, and his full beard that he couldn’t quite control, and the mirthful little smiles he made while he watched me, and the rough sensation of his palms’ callouses on my back. I liked when he was asleep and drowsily pulled me in his arms. I liked that he smelled of pine needles, because it made me think of Maine, and it made me feel like I was home.

I stared at him, feeling a conflicting sense of dread and pleasant warmth. His words from the flight echoed in my head and my eyes widened.

_“I’ve never paid attention to the minutiae of other people, but I notice yours—and I like them.”_

No—NO.

I scrambled out of my chair, nearly falling ass-first on the ground. No. I did not have feelings for him. A little before, sure, when I didn’t know the truth, but it was impossible now that I knew of the horrible things Kylo had done. I didn’t give a fuck about the minutiae. Nope. No way.

He blinked in surprise. “Was I not supposed to laugh at your joke?” A heartbeat passed and his levity was replaced with a mixture of concern and stern confusion. “It was a joke, right? Because you are not fat, Rey. Even if you were, I would still find you attractive, so—”

I laughed stupidly, cutting him off, and shook my head as I edged toward the bedroom. “No, you were right, it was a joke. I know I’m just curvy. But um… I’m going to hit the hay. Long day, y’know?” I stumbled into the doorframe and swallowed hard. “Jet lag and such.”

 “…Are you feeling alright?”

I waved him off and started to close the door. “I’m awesome! Can’t wait for our first day as Bonnie and Clyde. Anywho, you enjoy your bowl of dressing with a side salad and I will see you… later. Bye!”

I slammed the bedroom door shut and pressed my back up against it, biting my nails. No, I was a good person. There was no way I would allow myself to have any kind of feelings for Kylo.


	35. Unworthy, that a thought so mean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~*~*~this chapter gives away major plot points/the ending of 'eunoia'~*~*~
> 
> sorry lmao

The relaxing sound of rain I’d grown accustomed to in London was replaced by the whirring of an air conditioner in Nevada. It was easy to fall asleep to with the soft laughter of a sitcom filling in the silent blanks. I drowsily watched TV for a few minutes in the near-darkness and wondered what time it was. Kylo still hadn’t come in the bedroom and I wondered if he was sleeping out on the couch.

My question was answered when the door groaned open a few minutes later. I squeezed my eyes shut, poorly pretending to be asleep, as Kylo shut the door behind himself and turned off the TV. The air conditioner shut off and we were plunged into eerie, uncomfortable silence.

The sheets rustled as Kylo laid down beside me. He pulled me up against himself and kissed my forehead, sighing and shifting closer. My curled hands touched his bare chest.

 “Where’s your shirt?” I mumbled.

 “I figured you’d want to keep groping me.”

I reddened and was glad he couldn’t see my face. “Whatever. Goodnight.”

 “Ah, ah, ah—you’re not going back to sleep so soon.”

Kylo rolled over on top of me and his lips found mine, eager and passionate. I didn’t want to kiss him back; I told myself I couldn’t enjoy it and I had to fight him. But his fingers gently threaded through my hair and his other hand slipped under my thigh to hitch it on his hip, and it got harder to think straight. I kissed him back tentatively, then grabbed his face in my hands and almost bumped our teeth.

Hard heat pressed between my legs as I wrapped my calves around his waist. There was no rain, no television, just the soft sounds of two people struggling to get closer. The bed groaned when Kylo’s fingers left my hair to curl on the headboard and he kissed a trail away from my mouth, across my neck, and along my collarbone. He rocked his hips into mine and I bit my lower lip. No, no; _wrong._

I pushed on his chest and wriggled. “This isn’t right.”

 “Mm, I like when you squirm.” He tugged on the collar of my shirt until it started ripping, then tore it over one of my breasts. “Why isn’t it right, my love?”

 “Because you—” I took a sharp breath when his warm mouth teased my nipple. “—You know why.”

Kylo sucked on my nipple, raising his eyebrows disingenuously, dark eyes bright and hungry. My back arched, eyes rolling back. I stifled a moan and dug my nails into his pecs. He tore my shirt nearly in half to get to the other breast and I whimpered and writhed underneath him for a few minutes.

 “Because I’m a psychopath?” he asked. He ripped my shirt clean in half and wrapped his hands underneath my shoulders to lift me off the bed a few inches, ravenously kissing my breasts.

I nodded fast and fisted the sheets when he let me back down. Kylo leaned back, pulling my destroyed shirt with him, and smiled before throwing it on the floor. My chest was heaving up and down, but he was calm and composed like always. He laughed, and his abdominal muscles rippled. I kept repeating in my head that I didn’t like it. I didn’t like him, or his dominance over me, or how self-possessed he was…

He cocked his head, eyes raking down my body. “I could always force you.”

 “…But you said you wouldn’t.”

Kylo smiled knowingly and the same shame I felt after sleeping with Armie washed over me. He put his hands on either side of my head and I couldn’t escape his black eyes.

 “I know you like when I fuck you,” he murmured. He suddenly grabbed my throat and squeezed just a bit. “I don’t have to force you—but I will. For both of us.”

Then he turned me over on my stomach, tightening his grip around my neck, and pulled down my pants. I instinctively clawed at the fingers cutting off my windpipe as he sank inside me without saying another word. A pained mewl was stuck in my throat and Kylo groaned gutturally.

 “That’s right,” he whispered, “fight back. You’ll feel better.”

 “NO!” I tried to drag myself away, but it strained my throat against his fingers. I fought back humiliated tears and screamed. “GET OFF ME!”

Kylo leaned over my back to clap his other hand over my mouth. He kissed the side of my head and moved at a torturously slow rhythm in out and out of me. I broke down crying from my cognitive dissonance that was so obvious and amusing to Kylo. I couldn’t like it. I couldn’t like him. After what I had been through, that would make me completely fucked up.

He kissed my tears as I heaved from sobbing into his palm. “Good girl… let it out. You’re safe here.”

 _No I’m NOT!_ I screamed again into his hand, pawing at the headboard to drag my body from under his. Kylo let go of my throat to peel my fingers one by one from the wrought iron bar and he yanked me further down the bed when I tried again. He kissed my shoulder and briefly leaned over the edge of the bed to get something. I snapped at his hand when he let go on my mouth, and he immediately shoved my own panties in my mouth.

 “The walls are thin here,” he explained, securing the gag by tying my tattered shirt around my head. Part of it also blinded me. His lips were near my ear. “We can’t have the neighbors hearing you scream. I’m not done with you yet.”

It went on long into the night. I felt like I was in a deprivation chamber, unable to move, speak, or hear anything besides my sniffling and Kylo’s deep, throaty sounds of pleasure. It was like the first night we spent together but I was so wrapped up in my anxiety that every second seemed longer. I finished a few times despite myself before he got out of the bed.

I looked around even though I couldn’t see anything. A zipper opened across the room and I tried to get up, only to be pushed back down on my stomach. He twisted my arms behind my back and bound my wrists together with something silky and soft. I panted into the gag and swallowed hard.

 “Shh.” His voice was soft and malevolent, somewhere in the room. “It’s okay, it’s okay—all of your emotions are valid here. I understand them, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you.” He drifted closer like a specter on the periphery of my mind. “You’re safe with me. You’ll always be safe with me, Rey. I love you.”

There was a pinch in my upper arm and I was filled with dread. I cried harder and shook my head and Kylo brushed my hair back from my face to kiss my forehead.

 “I know,” he sighed, “I know. You just need a little bit of Ativan to help you through.”

Help me through what? I panicked and thrashed around on the mattress, shrieking into the gag, terrified of what he was going to do. Kylo bound my ankles together with what I assumed were his ties and I was left with just enough slack to open my thighs. He tied another around my throat and attached it to the iron headboard. When I moved, it choked me.

I trembled as his fingers drifted from my shoulder and across my spine to end on my tailbone. He seemed to be standing next to me and I didn’t understand why. The Ativan was kicking in mercifully fast and much of my fear was gone when I heard a cap click open.

 “Much better, hm?” he said. “Relax, my love. I’m not going to hurt you.”

A thick, cold, sticky fluid touched my butt. I squeaked in surprise and Kylo crooned to me as he smeared it all over. My body hadn’t quite caught up to the drug and I was shaking like a leaf. More of the liquid touched my skin, then I suddenly felt fingertips where I _really_ didn’t want them.

Even Ativan couldn’t keep me from reacting with shock and revulsion. Kylo shushed me and kept going, using his other hand to rub his fingertips where I did want them. I whimpered and shifted my hips around like a cat in heat, but tried to shake his hand away from my butt. No butt stuff. No.

He stopped, laughing. “This isn’t the worst thing I could do to you. You’ll like it.”

Before I could try to wriggle away again, I felt something touch my butt again, then slowly start to sink inside. My eyes popped out of my skull but the Ativan made me too weak to fight much, and Kylo’s fingers between my thighs helped distract me. It moved in and out very gradually and I squeezed my legs together as the heat prickled at the apex of my thighs.

The thing pushed deep inside me and stopped—not painful, but a bizarre sensation of pressure and fullness. Kylo’s hand drew away from me when I was on the edge and I whined and tried to finish myself on the mattress. He clicked his tongue disapprovingly a few times and pushed something else inside the more… traditionally used orifice. It was lumpy, like beads.

Water ran a few feet away. Kylo returned, hands cool and damp, and brushed my hair away from my face. I couldn’t see for shit.

 “What’s wrong?” he asked innocently. “Do you want to come?”

I nodded, straining my hips, and the tie around my neck took my breath. He untied the gag, murmuring for me to spit it out into his hand, and I stretched my jaw but didn’t speak. I was still blindfolded.

Kylo’s thumb drew my lower lip down. “So do I—and your mouth is very appealing right now.” He ran his fingers up into my hair and I heard a slipping sound. “Suck my cock, and we’ll see how generous I’m feeling after.”

A memory vaguely trickled back. I had done that before with him. But I obediently licked my lips and opened my mouth, anyway, and briefly felt pressure on my lips before my mouth was full of him. He groaned and laughed under his breath, steadying his thrusts by holding the back of my head. I wrapped my lips over my teeth and twisted my wrists in their bonds behind my back.

It didn’t go on for a long time, which I was thankful for. The tie yanked on my throat harder than normal, and I suspected Kylo was pulling on it. He shoved me onto my back, twisting the tie further around my neck. He groaned my name and his grip tightened on my hair as warm, sticky fluid squirted on my face. I flinched reflexively, even though my eyes were safe, and licked some it off my lip. Salty. Eeeugh, I’d only tasted it once before, but it was unmistakable.

Kylo panted for a few seconds and kissed my forehead. “Good girl, Rey. Very good.” He wiped some of his essence off my cheek and smeared it between my legs. “Lick your lips.”

I grinded against his fingers and did what he said, drawing everything I could into my mouth with my tongue. A lot was still clinging to my chin and cheeks but Kylo cooed approvingly. I started coming close again when he abruptly stopped. He pushed his fingers in my mouth to make me suck off whatever was left, then I didn’t feel anything else.

Silence crept on for a long time. I tried to raise my head but the leash was tight and choked me back into submission. The fluid on my face and between my legs was trying. The beads throbbed inside me.

 “…Hello?” I called hesitantly.

There was no response. My mouth was dry and I was totally exposed on the bed. My shoulders hurt from my arms being twisted behind my back. I squirmed uncomfortably and opened my mouth to call out again when something round and hard was suddenly shoved between my teeth. I couldn’t fight much because of the leash as the gag was strapped behind my head, holding my teeth apart.

 “…Yes, I’ll be there Wednesday.” Kylo was on the phone again. He casually ran a finger over my nipple, drawing my spine up and choking me again. “I’m bringing along a student from Cornell, but she should already be cleared with security. How’s he doing today?”

I heaved hysterically. _LET ME GO!_

He sighed. “That’s why he needs to be moved to an inpatient facility instead of a prison. Well, thank you for calling me so late, Terrance. I appreciate knowing when he’s had episodes.”

Then Kylo left me alone again, shutting the door softly behind him. I screamed into the gag and struggled until the leash made stars pop across my vision. My body was trembling. Clearly the Ativan was already wearing off, and I almost wished he’d drugged me into semi-consciousness like he usually did.

Again, time crawled by until my captor returned. He was laughing on the phone and I heard something heavy groan across the carpet. He rolled me over on my stomach again and I found a pillow underneath my hips. It triggered something animalistic inside me, and my crying faded away as I rhythmically rubbed myself on the pillow. Kylo was talking not too far away—was he watching me?

 “No, you can’t see the pictures.” It was quiet, then: “Because they’re for my private collection, and she’s _my_ woman. Did I ask you for pictures of Natalie after you were done with her? I’ll give you something more appropriate when we meet up.”

I nuzzled into the pillows, breathing raggedly as the pressure mounted between my legs. It felt so goddamn good. My wrists shifted back and forth and my ankles tugged as far apart as they could. I was practically drooling but I didn’t care. I was desperate to finish.

Kylo sounded pissed off when he spoke again. “No, you can’t ‘try’ her. Would you let me ‘try’ Natalie?”

Relief came soon after. I whimpered into the gag and flexed my hips as it peaked and flooded my body, pulsing everywhere Kylo had filled me. It was different than the last times. Longer, and throbbing. The leash pulled my throat the entire time and my ears rang but it felt… good.

My fear ebbed away. Kylo brushed my hair away from my face again and kissed the top of my head. He free my wrists first, then my ankles, my mouth, and then my eyes. I blinked in the darkness, struggling to see his hazy outline as he dropped everything in a pile on the floor. He lifted me off the bed like a ragdoll, supporting my bottom so my head lolled on his shoulder.

 “I’ll see you soon,” Kylo said. “My jailed patients come first.” He nudged the bathroom door open and turned on the shower. “Rey needs a bath, so I have to go.” He paused. “Pierre, if you ask me for nude pictures of her _one more time_ …”

He laid a towel on the toilet to set me down on the lid and put the phone on speaker. I heard another man laughing in a deep voice on the other side. Kylo checked the temperature of the water.

 “What’s a little sharing between friends, hmm?” asked a thick French accent. He sounded… evil. Mocking, like a demon. “You can try Maeva, if you’d like.”

 “I don’t fuck children.” Kylo helped me up and into the shower. He raised his eyebrows. “Do you need my help?”

I shook my head quickly, relieved that I could wash myself off. He kissed the tip of my nose but didn’t leave the bathroom, opting to wait for me on the toilet. Trembling, I ran water through my hair and began spastically scrubbing my face.

 “I’m not partial to them myself, but...” The man—who I assumed was Pierre—paused and murmured to someone. “…Hello, mon chou. Are you ill today?”

 “Your bastard child is kicking me in the ribs.” She didn’t sound French at all. “Who are you talking to?”

 “Kylo,” he said. His voice sounded different with her: softer, and gentler. “He’s generously agreed to evaluate Maeva’s diagnosis of autism, and he’s bringing a friend for you to meet.”

Natalie…? I paused in washing my face to listen.

 “For you to kill in front of me?” she asked in a garbled voice, like she had food in her mouth. “That’s a long drive just for Pierre to get off, Kylo. Plus, Maeva was diagnosed like two years ago.”

To my utter horror, Kylo laughed. If I wasn’t so eager to wash him off me, I would’ve gotten out of the shower to stop hearing the conversation. I hurried to clean myself off.

 “No, she’ll be alive,” my psychiatrist said. “I’m keeping her, and Pierre will not be ‘trying’ her.”

 “Bummer for him and me. Then I’d get a break for one night.” Natalie took a drink and groaned. “Ugh, I better go lie down. Maeva's taking a nap and Eric is… taking a nap? I don’t know, you keep track of that one, since you’re both cut from the same cloth.”

 “They’re both asleep, princesse,” Pierre purred. “Go rest.”

I shut off the water, revolted by what I was hearing, and stepped out of the shower. Kylo looked up in surprise and immediately rose to wrap a towel around me. I stared at the phone as he dried me and wondered what the hell I had just heard. The girl in the picture looked so sad—was this the same Natalie? She sounded cold and bitter, not terrified. How many kids did they have?

 “Rey is going to bed,” Kylo called over his shoulder. “We’ll talk soon, Pierre.”

Pierre gasped condescendingly. “Ooh, hello, little Rey. I am _so_ excited to meet you.” It dropped to a baleful whisper. “Would you like to watch me murder a woman?”

Kylo hung up the phone. I continued to stare at it in terror while he finished drying me off and directed me back to the bedroom, clothing me in a fresh warm set of pajamas and panties. He had fixed the bed like the trauma I’d just gone through had never happened.

 “I… I don’t want to meet him,” I stammered, turning to touch Kylo’s chest and look up at him.

He smiled and embraced me tenderly, pressing his cheek to the top of my head.

 “You’re safe with me,” he murmured. “You’ll always be safe with me.”

But I still shook nervously when we were back in bed, and drifted off into a fretful sleep. I wasn’t safe with anyone, maybe not even my fellow victims.


	36. Accost a Theme - so - fair -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> almost caught up to the original fiction

We left a few hours later. I was exhausted and not super hungry, but Kylo kept pestering me until I ate a couple bites of eggs at the breakfast buffet. He had a hearty appetite, obviously not bogged down and anxious to the point of nausea about _his_ life circumstances. He texted people most of the time and kept switching between apps on his phone. I watched irately and nibbled a piece of bacon.

The sun was already beating down outside, and I couldn’t wait to get into our rental car. Kylo put our luggage in the trunk and I slipped into the passenger seat, cranking up the A/C. It was a four-hour trip to Ely and we had to check in to another hotel. The next day we’d be going to the prison to see Seth.

Kylo got into the driver’s seat and started the car. “We’ll pull over in two hours to refuel.”

I shrugged and reclined my seat to take a nap. Whatever.

Thankfully, I was so sleepy that I passed out for the bulk of the trip. Kylo woke me up as promised at the two-hour mark when he was getting gas. I got out to use the bathroom and get some snacks, and stood in front of him waiting for money. He pushed his sunglasses up on his head and touched my chin with his fingertip to make me look up into his dark eyes while I stuffed the cash in my front pocket.

 “Don’t do anything stupid,” he said, smiling. He took my cell phone out of my back pocket, flipping it in his hand, and put in his pocket. “I’ll be in soon.”

 “I’m in the middle of the desert. The only escape is with a trucker, and that could end with me dead in a ditch.” I waved sarcastically and headed to the rest stop.

There were a couple restaurants and the gas station was attached to the side of the place. I headed for the bathrooms, familiar with the layout of rest stops from traveling around the north east, and did my business before checking the gas station for snacks. It was fairly busy, which surprised me. I picked around in the candy and chips for a few minutes until a strange electric sensation jolted through me.

I froze. My ears rang, and I knew what was about to happen. Dread washed over me and I backed up into the chocolates behind me, panicking. It hadn’t happened in days—why now?!

  _“I can protect you. If you listen to me.”_

 “Fuck!” I spat, clutching my head. I had to find Kylo. But was he in the car, or—

_He’s standing over me, and his belt is clinking, and he’s smiling. I’m afraid. I don’t want to go to the institution. Don’t make me go… don’t make me go… He tells me to do something for him, and I close my eyes and lick my lips, and my mouth is abruptly full._

Another memory came back to me in painful flashes. I sank to the floor, groaning, and distantly heard a person asking if I was okay. The floor rippled like it was made of water and my stomach twisted from nausea. I nodded to the stranger and managed to get to my feet, shivering, and pawed my way to the exit back to the broader part of the rest stop.

I collapsed on the floor and people stopped and stared at me. Voices echoed in my head, whispering, telling me to kill myself, telling me to run away. I cried, staggering to my feet, and rushed for the warped front doors. Colors bloomed brighter and morphed into horrible creatures with talons and sharp fangs. The people around me looked like robots.

It was hot out, and I didn’t recognize the barren, dusty landscape. My anxiety grew and I blindly stumbled into the parking lot, struggling to figure out what was happening. Where were mom and dad? Why did Maine look like a desert wasteland?

Someone grabbed me and I flew into a hysterical fit. More people paused or slowed down to watch me thrash as I was dragged to the ground, and I felt a sharp pinch in my upper arm. I hissed like an angry cat, biting at the forearm around my chest, and sobbed harder.

 “She’s okay.” Kylo? He hauled me into his arms, talking to someone else. “I’m her psychiatrist—she’s being transported up to Ely. My name is Kylo Ren.”

A woman gasped. “I knew I recognized you! My name is Rhonda and I’m a huge fan of your work! I’m going to Notre Dame, and…” She trailed off and laughed nervously. “This is probably not the time. But it’s so cool to meet you. I hope to be at your conference in LA next month.”

They talked for a few more moments before Kylo turned and walked away. The medication wormed through my veins and I began to regain my sanity. I gazed at the soaring mountains until he put me in the passenger seat and buckled me in.

 “Imagine if something like this happened with your parents,” he said, leaning on my seat to look at me. “What do you think would’ve happened, Rey?”

I didn’t respond, just stared off into space. He kissed the side of my head and shut the door.

We got back out on the road. I noticed a bag of drinks and snacks on the floor near my feet and slowly leaned over to get a bottle of water. The pop song of the week was playing on the radio and Kylo had his sunglasses back on. He was leaning his head on his fist.

 “What did you give me?” I asked after sipping some water.

 “Xanax.”

I put my bottle in the door holder and folded my arms. “Why do you always inject me with crap? Can’t you try a pill first?”

 “You could choke, bite me, vomit, hide the pill under your tongue, or chew it before swallowing. Injections are fast-acting and easier to administer.”

 “…Whatever,” I muttered. “Pretty weird to walk around with needles.”

 “You’re allowed to do that sort of thing when you’re a doctor.” Kylo looked over at me and smirked. “You’ll see someday, when you’re saving someone’s Golden Retriever after it eats a bee.”

I huffed indignantly. “I’ve already done that, thank you.”

Once again, highway hypnosis made me fall asleep. I had a dream about being back home with mom and dad, and eating lasagna with them for my birthday dinner. It was nice. I couldn’t wait to see them again.

 “We’re here, Rey.”

Groggy, I jerked awake and looked around to see that we had parked in front of another hotel. I yawned and stretched, still drowsy from the Xanax, and fumbled with the door handle for a bit too long. Kylo opened it from the outside and caught me when I almost fell right on my face. He helped me get to my feet and I leaned on the car while he got our stuff out of the trunk.

I waved him off when he tried to help me walk. It was another suite-type hotel, the same chain from before. Kylo probably had a credit card with them or something. This one was a bit ritzier. I swayed up to the counter behind him and the glossy black floors made my stomach turn.

The woman at the counter laughed. “Is she okay?”

 “Hm?” Kylo turned a bit to look at me and dragged me to his side to keep me from spinning in circles. “Believe it or not, this is how she usually acts.”

We finished checking in and went upstairs. The Xanax was making me loopy and disoriented, and I spun around the elevator while Kylo pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. I pirouetted into our suite, skidding across the hardwood floor and falling on my butt. I laid there quietly for a minute and yawned again. This place was bigger than the last place.

Kylo dropped his bag, raising an eyebrow. “Are you done?”

 “Mmm… no.” I clawed my way up on the tan couch and stretched my legs towards the ceiling.

 “Lovely.” He walked over and casually grasped my ankles, wrapping them around the back of his neck to stroke my calves, and smiled down at me. “We’ll be here for at least a few days, so unpack while I’m gone.”

 “Why? Where are you going?”

He cocked his head, gently massaging my legs. “I already told you: _I’m_ going to dress you. You’re too wasted to come with me, so you’ll stay here and sleep off more of the jet lag.”

 “Oh. Okay.”

Kylo let my legs go to pick me up off the couch and carried me into the bedroom. It was bigger than the previous one, and I marveled at the soft white sheets after he dropped me on them. Then he was on top of me, dark eyes searching mine like they needed to find something. I blinked up at him owlishly and tugged on the front of his dress shirt. His hands were near my head. He smelled like pine trees.

 “What?” I asked.

He smiled, gaze flickering down to my lips. “I like when you’re vulnerable.”

 “…I’m always vulnerable. I’m alone with you all the time now.”

 “True…” He puckered his lips and kissed my forehead. “I like when you’re helpless—when you are utterly dependent on me.” His hungry eyes riveted on mine. “I like how you are right now.”

 “I’m not helpless.” I furrowed my brow, confused from the Xanax.

Kylo mirrored my bewilderment. “No?”

He stood up abruptly and left the room. I continued to lie there in a state of total puzzlement as he unzipped something in the main room. How could he think I was helpless? I lifted my arms as if that proved my independence and sat up quickly, making my head spin. I didn’t get it—was he leaving? All I wanted to do was sleep and sleep some more.

A shadow eclipsed the bed. It was still sunny out but the blinds were drawn, and the room was bathed in twisted bits of darkness. I squinted at Kylo as he approached me and hardly reacted when he touched my arm. My skin pinched and I squirmed in discomfort as I watched him plunge more clear, liquid drugs into my muscle.

 “We’ll see how self-sufficient you are after this,” he murmured.

I yanked my arm away when he withdrew the needle and scowled up at him. Kylo just smiled and threw it in the trash, then leaned over to kiss my forehead. He told me he’d be back in a few hours. He was annoying me with all the needles and talking, so I ignored him. The front door shut and locked.

The medication crept into my system like poison. It wasn’t fun and exciting like the GHB. My limbs turned to lead, and I couldn’t even raise my head off the bed. I fisted the sheets, fighting the intense urge to sleep, and ultimately gave in for the third time that day.

  _Rey…_

Suddenly, violently, I was awake again. It was as if I’d closed my eyes for a split second and been torn out of my body. I knew time had passed, though. The sunlight in the room was fading and I was drenched in sweat. My eyes shifted back and forth underneath the lids that I was too weak to open. I groaned and swallowed but my mouth was completely dry. I was freezing.

It seemed like I’d come down with the flu while I was asleep. I burst into tears without warning, which scared me so much that I started coughing and shaking even more. It was too hot and too cold at the same time, and I needed to get out of my sweaty clothes. The room was deathly silent.

I struggled to speak. “E… Kylo? Are you th-there?”

No response. I cried harder and clawed at the sheets to drag myself onto my stomach, giving me some relief from the sweat. My ears rang and my heart pounded in my skull. I had to be dying.

The edge of the bed was close. Above all else, I wanted a sip of water, and the only way to get it was to find a way to the floor. My legs were essentially useless so I settled for grabbing the edge of the mattress and falling off the bed instead. I hit the floor hard because I was too weak to brace for the impact, and ended up lying there on my back, moaning in pain for a few more minutes. The ceiling spun.

 “Help me,” I wheezed. I grasped the comforter to try to pull myself up, and they just slipped towards me. “…Please… help me…”

 “What are you doing on the floor, Rey?”

My racing heart pounded even faster at the vague sound of Kylo’s voice. I lifted my head to see him leaning on the doorframe, eating something out of his palm. He was wearing black dress pants and a gray dress shirt and his tie was loosened around his neck. He smiled at me while he chewed.

I was relieved to see him. I tried to sit up again. “Help… I can’t…”

 “Can’t…?”

 “I… I can’t…”

Kylo sauntered over to me, popping grapes in his mouth. He loomed next to me and cocked his head as he watched me fighting to get my words out.

 “Do you… need my help?” he asked, feigning shock.

I nodded too fast and was struck by another dizzy spell. He clicked his tongue thoughtfully, finishing his grapes, and sat on the edge of the bed with his hands clasped between his knees. I stared at him and he smiled back at me. Why wasn’t he helping?

My clothes were drenched in sweat and I desperately wanted to get out of them. I sniffled pitifully and rolled over on my stomach to try to wriggle out of my pants. The carpet was scratchy on my cheek but I couldn’t stand up and I needed to get my pants off. The bed creaked—Kylo was leaning closer.

 “This is what I like,” he said. “Watching you squirm.”

A few moments later, he lifted me up off the floor and laid me on the bed on my back. He left the room for a second and came back with a few shopping bags that he set on the bed next to me. I could only watch as he pulled off my pants and shirt and stood between my knees. His fingertips alighted on my thighs, feathery light, but his dark eyes raked down my body.

 “Would you like to see what I bought for you?” he cooed, brushing his fingers across my legs.

 “Water… I want… water…”

Kylo sighed and walked away again. I fisted the comforter and squeezed my eyes shut, then opened them wide, trying to get my bearings. It was getting darker out.

He came back with a bottle of water and nothing had ever looked so good before. I managed to prop myself up on my elbows and he held the bottle and the back of my head while I drank. I’d hardly taken a breath by the time I got half through it and Kylo laughed and pulled it away to drink some. I panted and licked my lips, sinking back down on the bed. Better, but I could’ve easily drank a whole gallon.

It was easier to talk now that my throat wasn’t bone dry. “I want to shower.”

Kylo leaned over me, hands on either side of my head, and raised his eyebrows. “How do you intend on doing that?”

 “…I need help.”

 “I thought you weren’t—”

His phone started ringing. The small, smug smile Kylo usually had twisted into an annoyed grimace and he unwillingly walked away from me yet again. I watched him go and my eyes roamed to the bags beside me, all from places I only shopped when I had a boyfriend. He shut the bedroom door when he answered the phone, so I knew he’d be gone for a bit.

I tugged on a smaller pink and black bag to tip it over and pawed through the sparkly pink paper. Not surprisingly, it was full of panties in assorted colors and styles. I made a mocking gagging sound and held a pair up to see if they’d even fit me. Maybe… I did have a big butt. Some were thongs and I made a mental note to cut them up when Kylo was sleeping.

The other bags had jeans and dresses and skirts and dress pants and all kinds of different shirts. It was more than I had expected, and Kylo’s ability to match women’s clothing was impressive, but concerning. I squinted suspiciously at the door as I picked through less exciting things, like socks and stockings. He wasn’t kidding when he said he wanted to dress me—and he was _thorough_.

A smaller purple bag caught my eye. I hadn’t opened everything yet, but I knew my time was limited before Kylo came back, and I could still barely move. I wriggled my fingers as I reached for it and it shook once or twice before collapsing and spilling its unwanted contents.

I gawked in rude surprise at the stuff; things I saw with a brief glance when I was buying shampoo in the drug store. Some of it I remembered from the previous night, and other things I’d never considered buying. I wasn’t raised under a rock and my parents weren’t puritanical, but I didn’t want anything to do with any of it. I genuinely gagged this time and hurried to stuff it all back in the bag.

The door whined. “I knew I’d be busy when I came back from vacation, but not like…”

I stared at Kylo in wide-eyed shame as he trailed off. He had a hand on the door and his phone in the other, and was surveying the stuff I’d yanked out of the bags to investigate. Thankfully he didn’t look irritated and he smiled, but I realized he’d noticed my guilty hand still in the purple bag.

 “See anything you like?” he asked disingenuously.

I frantically freed my hand from the bag and the stuff spilled back out again. “Uh… Nope, just looking at the clothes. You should be on _Queer Eye_.” I was still extremely dizzy but had enough adrenaline to sit up. “Anyway, I’m going to shower, so I will see you…” I trailed off and made awkward finger guns. “…Later?”

Kylo sighed and shook his head, meandering towards me. “Oh, Rey, Rey, Rey.”

 “I’m just saying, you have very distinct feminine taste so—”

 “Shh,” he whispered, interrupting me. He stood between my knees again and pursed his lips, casually picking through the clothes. “Again: I grew up with two sisters. Anyway, you’ll need something to wear after your shower.”

Oh. Well that wasn’t a big deal. I turned a little to pick the clothes myself, but Kylo selected them before I could bat an eye. He set them beside me—a black nightgown and black panties—then sifted through the items from the purple bag. I averted my gaze to the television and wished I could disappear.

 “And you’ll need something _during_ your shower,” he said. “What do you think?”

Before I could stutter out something stupid, his phone rang again. Kylo scowled and took it out of his pocket to check the caller ID, then ground his jaw and accepted the call. He stalked out of the room again and closed the door, snapping at the person on the other line.

I grabbed the clothes next to me and forced myself to get off the bed. My knees gave out and I fell, but I scrambled across the room to the bathroom and managed to get inside and slam the door shut. I twisted the lock and leaned again the door, gasping for air, and clutched my head to fight off the dizziness. Safe. For now.


	37. The soul has moments of escape -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sethhhhhhh

The bathroom was the only safe space I’d had in a week, but I was still mildly paranoid that Kylo would break the door down to get to me. I had to wait a few minutes before I had the strength to stand and start the water, and only managed to stay upright for five minutes. I shivered when I stepped out and sat on the floor to dry myself off. The pajamas he bought me were more for show than warmth, so they wouldn’t be much help.

I got dressed, anyway, and sat back down on the floor to lean my head against the wall. It was quiet, but I could hear a show playing on the television. Kylo hadn’t knocked on the door, as far as I knew.

I closed my eyes and thought about being back home with mom and dad. I remembered the freezing Maine winters, feeling the bite of a northeastern breeze on my cheeks, and sticking my tongue out to catch snowflakes. Dad would build me an igloo and all my friends thought he was the coolest dad ever—and mom would make hot chocolate in the Crockpot, and we’d watch Christmas movies under a big blanket. It was simple. Easy.

Maybe I could go back there; away from the dry, cracked heat of Nevada. I could drift down a half-frozen stream to dad’s hunting cabin, where we’d huddle around a hole in the ice, waiting for fish to bite. I’d doze off in my warm sleeping bag to the flickering fire and faint smell of smoke…

 “Sleepy, Rey?”

The warmth was sucked out of me like a vacuum on my heart. I opened one eye to find I was in Kylo’s arms, and he was tugging back the sheets to put me in bed. He shushed me when I whimpered—I was still kind of loopy from whatever he’d injected into me—and settled me under the covers. It was dark and the TV had been turned off. I was thirsty.

I fought back tears as Kylo got into bed on the other side. I didn’t want him anywhere near me. I wanted to sleep alone in my own bed and be with my family.

 “I want to go home,” I said, for what felt like the millionth time.

He gently pushed me on my stomach and pulled my pants down to my thighs. “You _are_ home.”

Between being drugged and tortured and manipulated and raped, the only thing I knew for sure was that I was living in Hell. Maybe Hell was my home now; not that I’d done anything to deserve it. I’d always tried my best to be a good daughter and a good person, and I was being punished for it. I buried my face in the pillows to drown out his groaning and the fleeting pleasure I wasn’t supposed to feel every time he moved inside me.

After Kylo was done, he wouldn’t let me up, and trailed kisses along the back of my neck and my shoulders. I laid there in trembling misery and wished I could disappear.

 “Do you want water?” he murmured against my skin.

 “…Yes.”

He disentangled from me and got out of bed. I waited until he was out of the bedroom to stumble to the bathroom, and splashed cold water on my face after I relieved myself. My diet hadn’t been great since I’d come home from Cornell, but somehow, my face looked thinner. I stood there in the low light and stared at myself in the mirror until Kylo’s reflection appeared near the edge.

He smiled and offered me a glass of water. “The bathroom unlocks from the outside, but I wanted to give you some time alone.”

I lowered my eyes and turned to take the water, downing it in a few gulps. Kylo drank his more slowly and watched me walk past him back to the bedroom.

The rest of the night was blissfully uneventful. I was left alone while I slept, and I passed out almost instantaneously. Dreams of home and my friends and family kept me company. Mom and dad would believe me if I told them what Kylo was doing to me and what he was. They’d take me home.

Lips on my temple woke me. “Time to get up, my love.”

It was a dizzying cycle of torment. I blearily opened my eyes to see Kylo moving around the room, wearing a casual blue suit open in the front. The dreams dissipated like they always did, and I slowly sat up in bed, rubbing my eyes. Sunlight was filtering in the bedroom and I felt a bit better from finally having some sleep.

He’d already put out some clothes for me: khakis, a blouse, and dress shoes. The faint smell of breakfast food wafted throughout the room and helped me find the strength to get out of bed. My legs were trembling, and Kylo hovered close by, arms outstretched to catch me if I fell.

I got ready quietly and he took yet another phone call. Breakfast was on a tray in the kitchen and I sat at the island to eat in silence while he chatted away in a foreign language. It looked like all of our stuff was already out of the room. He’d let me sleep in for a little while—that was kind of nice.

We left after I was finished eating. Kylo continued to hover close to me, and it reminded me of dad being afraid to let me go when I learned how to ride a bike. I probably looked like shit. I hadn’t worn makeup in a while, and I was so sleep deprived and fucked up from the drugs that I could barely keep my eyes open. I rubbed the sleepiness away again as we stepped out into the sunny morning.

 “I may have given you a _hair_ too much Ativan,” he said, smiling as he opened the passenger door of the rental car for me. “You’ll feel better later.”

I glared at him as I sat down. “Why don’t you just stop drugging me?”

Kylo leaned into the car to put on my seatbelt, then leaned on the open door and shrugged, still smiling. “Because I like it.”

Highway hypnosis kicked in again when we were on the road for a few minutes. I curled up close to the window, head nodding, and was drawn into another dream. This time it was about being back in college and finishing my degree. Rose was there, and Armie, and Finn—

 “We’re here.”

The pleasant dream ended, and I came back to reality. We were pulling up to a large building with towering barbed wire fences and warnings all over. I rubbed my eyes and sat up straight. A guard was motioning for Kylo to drive forward, and there were more of them scattered in towers, holding guns. I nervously shrank down in my seat and twiddled my thumbs.

Kylo rolled down the window and smiled at the guard. “Hello, Ulysses. I’m just here to see Seth with a student, Rey Kenobi. Here’s her identification.”

The guard leaned over and waved to me, smiling. “Hi, nice to meet you, Rey!”

I awkwardly waved back, eyeing the gun on his hip. Ulysses walked away to check the ID and Kylo turned off the radio, yawning and running a hand through his hair. Clearly he’d done this a hundred times.

 “I don’t like this,” I said. “All these guns freak me out.”

 “That’s the idea.” He patted my thigh and nodded past the gate. “Ulysses will search the car and we’ll be escorted inside. You’ll be fingerprinted.”

Oh no. I’d be in the system. I tried to stay calm when Ulysses returned, still very friendly, and handed back my ID. He had both of us step out of the car while he did a quick run-through and then we were on our way through the imposing gates. Kylo eyed me again and frowned.

 “Relax,” he said. “Tension makes them suspicious.”

 “ _Great_ ,” I hissed.

We pulled into a parking lot where there were a few other cars. Guards were milling around near the entrance to the building, and I could see a vacant basketball court off to the left. A scorpion scuttled past me near the stairs and I instinctively grabbed Kylo’s arm at the sight of it, gasping in shock. It was huge and black and I figured I’d have died if it stung me.

He laughed as he disentangled from me. “It’s the little ones you need to worry about.”

The air conditioning inside was not great. I was brought into a room by a surly woman to have my fingerprint done, permanently putting me in the federal system. Kylo’s was done years ago because he was a human physician. We went down some corridors, past rows and rows of rowdy prisoners. Kylo steered me to the outside near the railing.

It was loud—and I didn’t like it. I touched the cold steel as we walked and tried to ignore the gross things they shouted at me. The guard banged on the cells and told them to be quiet but that just seemed to make them worse. I swallowed hard and prayed for it all to be over.

We turned at the end of a hallway to some doors that led outside. I was surprised as Kylo opened one to let me through first, back out into the bright Nevada sunshine. The guards were close behind.

The raucous prisoners were silenced when the door groaned shut behind us. I stepped down into a pretty, well-manicured courtyard, lined by a tall barbed wire fence. There was a man sitting alone at a table with an umbrella that blocked out most of the stifling sun. He was wearing an orange jumpsuit with ‘DOJ’ on the back in big, black letters. He had broad shoulders and wavy dark brown hair.

Kylo nodded to the guards and they stayed back by the door, fingers close by their guns. My pulse quickened as I followed him down a small hill to the table, and the man rose to shake Kylo’s hand.

 “Hello, Seth,” Kylo said, smiling. “Good to see you.”

 “Likewise,” Seth responded. His voice was quiet and tenuous—unsettling.

Kylo gestured for me to approach and I did so nervously, wringing my hands and wishing the guards with guns had come down just a little closer.

Seth was shorter than Kylo but more broad-shouldered and muscular. His eyes were incredibly light blue; almost gray, and his piercing gaze made me feel small. He was clean-shaven and had a square jaw like Kylo, and offered me one of his large hands for a shake. It was riddled with scars and misshapen. His fingers trembled ever so slightly, and his grasp was weak when I hesitantly accepted the gesture.

 “You must be Rey,” Seth said before I could speak. He sized me up, smiling coldly. “So nice to meet you.”

The identities of the psychopaths Kylo treated were blending together, but I remembered Seth had been a doctor, and was one of the two who didn’t get away with what he did. I smiled back and sat down beside Kylo as he opened his briefcase, and Seth sat and clasped his hands across from us.

 “Your model behavior has paid off,” Kylo said. He took out a stack of papers and leafed through them. “You’re going to be transferred to a rehabilitation facility in Vermont, with all the green trees and relaxing supervised walks you could ever want. It’s a more convenient location for me to continue to see you, and, of course, Genevieve is nearby.”

 “Wonderful.” Seth’s gray eyes roamed down to his hands and he clenched his jaw. “How soon until the others are in the area?”

I frowned. Why were they all congregating in the same place?

Kylo pushed the papers toward Seth and knitted his fingers together under his chin. “Within the next few months. Chris is also eligible to be moved, though not to the same facility, of course. He’ll go to New Hampshire. Pierre is already in Maine. Liev is one the we need, and he’s the most difficult to pin down.”

 “Wasting time with his _children_.” Seth spat out the last word like it was poisonous. He took a pen from Kylo with some difficulty, and began shakily signing the papers. “The sooner you find him, the sooner I can pay a visit to Genevieve.”

My spine prickled. “What are you two talking about?”

Seth’s eyes flickered up to me and he smirked. “She speaks.”

I looked up at Kylo, who wasn’t giving anything away. Seth was in prison: how was he going to pay a visit to anyone? He’d been given consecutive life sentences without parole and narrowly missed the death penalty so they wouldn’t ever let him out. I furrowed my eyebrows while they continued chatting about the new facility, and hoped they weren’t planning on a jail break.

The conversation didn’t involve me. They weren’t doing any kind of therapy, and I highly doubted they ever did. Kylo probably showed up and lied about Seth’s progress to do a favor for a fellow psychopath. I stared at Seth’s mangled hands and decided I was going to be strong like Genevieve and Charlotte, and I wouldn’t let them sideline me.

 “Tell me what you’re planning,” I interrupted, glaring into Seth’s eerie eyes. “Now.”

Both of them stopped talking. Kylo shifted and I knew he was looking down at me, but I kept my eyes trained on Seth’s. He raised his eyebrows, amused, and glanced at Kylo.

 “May I?” he asked.

I looked up at Kylo, and his dark eyes were glittering, excited. He licked his lips and pointedly gazed at mine before shrugging.

 “Sure,” he said. “She’s not going anywhere.”

 “So talk,” I snapped.

It wasn’t a position I’d ever imagined I’d be in: sitting at a table with two murderers, trying to figure out if they were planning a mass prison break. I figured I’d be done with finals now, working in the suburbs, spaying and neutering pets all day. I’d have a nice car, my own apartment…

Seth puckered his lips, regarding me thoughtfully. “We all seem to choose the same woman, don’t we? I suppose weaker-willed ones are more suitable prey than partners.” He splayed his trembling hands on the table and smiled tautly. “And they repay you like t _his_.”

 “I’m sure you deserved it,” I said.

 “You did have it coming,” Kylo agreed, trying to obscure a smirk with his index finger.

Seth glared down at his hands like he wished they would burst into flame. “Yes, I did. I should have killed her when I had the chance. But I was soft—weak. Like Reinhart.” His gaze flickered briefly to Kylo. “Like you.”

 “You two were sloppy. It had nothing to do with weakness.” Kylo met Seth’s eyes, unflappable. “And I am not weak.”

Huh. I wondered if I’d see a pissing contest every time two psychopaths met. Seth shrugged and leaned back in his chair, folding his arms. It still looked like he had gotten what he wanted out of Kylo.

 “Just some friendly advice,” Seth said. “But, I suppose that’s not what we’re discussing right now. The plan… I’m surprised you haven’t told her, Ren.”

 “It hasn’t come up.”

 “Murdering my teacher and my friends did, though,” I muttered.

Seth raised his eyebrows and laughed. “Kylo is going to sully his hands? Interesting.”

The conversation seemed to be pissing Kylo off. He slipped his shades on and checked on the guards over his shoulder. I wanted to know more about him, and I knew Seth could tell me.

 “You didn’t kill a lot of people, either, right?” I asked. “Why? Do you two feel guilty?”

 “This is not the place for that discussion,” Kylo snapped. He pointed at Seth and raised an eyebrow. “Get to the point and tell her the plan. Quickly.”

There was a weird look in Seth’s eyes, similar to what I saw in Kylo’s whenever he exerted dominance over me. I was too invested in studying both of them, but I couldn’t look away. What _were_ they? It was like neither of them was even human.

 “Have somewhere to go?” Seth asked innocently. “Rey has some simple questions.”

Kylo was grinding his teeth so loudly that I could hear it. I frowned at him until I felt a gentle brush across my knuckles, and found Seth was leaning forward, slowly reaching for my hands. My instinct was to pull back but I sat stone still, like I was waiting for a bear to decide if it wanted to eat me. He took my hands in his, tenderly, like he thought I might break or disappear, and stroked my skin.

His gray eyes searched mine and my heart gave a feeble beat. Jesus. He was a psychopath, but he wasn’t hard to look at. I found myself wanting to lean closer, wanting to know more.

 “What may I answer for you, kitten?” Seth cooed.

Before I could take another breath, Kylo was out of his chair and had Seth by the collar of his shirt. I stood up, too, alarmed, but the guards hovered by the door and continued talking to each other. Kylo looked about ready to punch Seth in the face, but Seth was smiling plainly and not resisting.

 “Rey is not to be touched,” Kylo said, voice low and ominous.

I kept checking on the guards and frantically grabbed Kylo’s arm. “Hey, cut it out!”

Seth stared right back at Kylo. He grasped one of his wrists. “You’re the limping wolf in the pack—and we can all smell the blood.”

Was that a threat? I blinked in surprise, since I’d assumed they were all buddy-buddy with each other. But maybe they were actually just keeping their enemies as close as possible.

Kylo shoved Seth back down in his chair and picked up his briefcase. “I’ll see you in Vermont.”

 “Of course.” Seth waved to me, beaming. “Goodbye, Rey. It was lovely meeting you. We’ll see one another again soon.”

I awkwardly waved back and trailed after Kylo, too anxious to keep pressing my question. I knew the answer, anyway. They were congregating in one place, and this Liev character would spring Chris and Seth from prison. But why?


	38. When bursting all the doors -

 “He’s the _nicest_ one?”

We were out having lunch at a sparsely filled diner. It was nice to be back in air conditioning, and I concluded that I would never live in a state outside New England. The heat was awful, there were scorpions, and all I could see was desert for miles and miles. It was depressing. I liked big lakes, and towering pines. I was even missing snow.

Kylo had already finished his chicken parm and was idly watching me to make sure I finished my tilapia. I was just as sick of fish as he was, but he insisted I needed the omega-3s. I half expected him to start spoon feeding me.

 “None of them are what I would call ‘nice,’ but Seth is milder than the others.” Kylo took one of my fries to nibble. “Chris is practically normal, save for obsession with Charlotte and her mother. Why are you pushing pieces to the edge of your plate? Eat.”

 “Because they’re gray, and I don’t eat the gray part.”

 “It’s the bottom of the fish. It’s harmless.”

 “Grizzle is harmless, too; bet you don’t eat that.” I glared at him, defiantly popping another piece of fish doused in tartar in my mouth.

Our waitress came by with a refill for me and tea for Kylo. He smiled at me and fingered his mug, and we were both quiet for a while. A kid ran by with her younger sibling and I saw a brief, wistful expression on Kylo’s impassive face. He pressed his lips together and gazed out the window.

 “The plan is more important than ever before,” he said, more to himself than me. “Not for the money—I don’t particularly need it anymore.” He cast a sideways glance at me. “For safety.”

I was in the midst of shoveling coleslaw in my mouth. I paused, blinking stupidly back at Kylo, then swallowed hard and patted my lips with a napkin. He eyed me for a moment before sighing and picking up another napkin, dipping it in his water, and leaning forward to wipe the edge of my mouth. I scowled but didn’t try to stop him. There was no point.

 “What plan?” I asked when he was done. “Busting your friends out of the clink?”

 “That’s the ultimate goal, yes. For Chris and Seth, anyway.” Kylo took my fork and knife to cut up the rest of the fish, and he started feeding me like I had predicted. “My relationship with Pierre and Liev is a bit more like a bird picking meat from an alligator’s teeth. Symbiotic, so they won’t kill me.”

 “But… why? Why not just avoid them?”

Kylo expectantly waggled the fork when I didn’t take a bite. When I did, I could feel people watching us. We probably looked really bizarre.

 “I needed the money when I was younger,” he said. “I also enjoy studying them, and I’ve learned a great deal from their mistakes. But maintaining close proximity to them means I need to be useful. It hasn’t been a problem. Toting you around in front of them is.”

I chewed hurriedly. “Why?”

 “They’re psychopaths. They like to take what doesn’t belong to them.” Kylo ate a piece of my fish and made a repulsed face. “Liev and Pierre have an understanding that does not extend to the rest of us. You need to stay close to me.”

 “Why?” I asked again, filling with dread. “What will they do?”

The doorbell chimed, and Kylo stared evenly at me. “Whatever they want.”

 “…Rey Kenobi?”

It was a voice from my nightmares that I hadn’t heard in a very long time. I flinched and slowly looked up to find, to my horror, Mr. Mahon standing next to our table. Kylo stopped moving.

He looked the same way he had in high school, just older. A hair under six feet tall, wearing a polo and cargo shorts with sandals. Not ugly, but not particularly attractive. He’d lost some weight and some hair and I noticed the wedding band was gone from his finger. I stared up at him in stark shock.

 “M-Mr. Mahon?” I stuttered.

Kylo started laughing and stood up so fast that he was a blur. “Oh, this is so…” He shook his head and offered his hand to Mr. Mahon—uh, Rick. “So convenient. Nice to meet you, my name is Harris.”

Fake name? My heart pounded as they two men shook hands and greeted one another, and Kylo introduced himself as my fiancé. He sat back down and insisted Rick sit beside me, which was both terrifying and disgusting. I lost my appetite and sidled as far away from my former teacher as possible.

 “Wow, engaged?!” Rick exclaimed, putting an arm around my shoulders. “I’m so happy for you, Rey. You were always such a bright student. How’s college?”

 “She’s taking a break,” Kylo interjected. He was smiling, but I could see the rage bubbling underneath, and his eyes were locked on Rick’s arm around me. “This is too impersonal for old friends; why don’t we bring this back to our hotel room, hm?”

Rick smelled faintly of alcohol. He was almost totally ignoring Kylo and tugged me closer. I could’ve burst into tears.

 “My house is much closer,” Mr. Mahon said. “Do you want to… catch up, Rey?”

_No one wants to be friends with me. I’m polarizing. I’m smart, and proud of it, and I suck at being nice. Some girls are mean to me in class and I cry in the other room. Mr. Mahon is there, and he touches my arm. ‘Don’t let them get to you, Rey. Why don’t you stay after school so we can talk?’_

Kylo was tapping his fingers rapidly on the table. “And how do you ‘catch up,’ Mr. Mahon?”

 “That’s for me to know…” Rick tapped my nose, smiling. “…And Rey to find out.”

My stomach turned and I kind of wanted Kylo to fucking kill him. I shrank away from Rick, tormented by memories of stolen kisses and the traumatizing loss of my virginity, and wanted to kill him myself.

Kylo stood up abruptly and slammed his hands down. “Then let’s go.”

It was happening fast; faster than I ever would’ve imagined. Kylo was pushing things along and I’d never seen him so impatient and agitated. He paid the bill and directed Mr. Mahon to our car, and watched with thinly veiled fury as my teacher continued to drape himself all over me.

Kylo eyed us, fiddling with his keys. “Rey, sit in the front seat.”

Rick opened the door behind me and pushed me inside the car without acknowledging Kylo. I caught a glimpse of Kylo’s blank stare before Rick slid in beside me and shut the door.

 “Who is he, Rey?” Rick asked, putting an arm around me again. “Another teacher?”

 “You’re drunk!” I snapped.

Kylo got in the car and turned his mirror to look back at Mr. Mahon and I. His dark eyes were inscrutable.

 “I took a vacation.” Rick leaned closer and I could feel his breath on my ear and smelled whiskey. “My wife and I split up and she took the kids. All because I kept some… pictures on my computer.”

We were already out on the road, and lights were flashing past the window. I heard Kylo’s grip tighten on the steering wheel, but I couldn’t see his eyes anymore.

I pulled away from Rick, disgusted. “What kind of pictures?”

 “You know… like the ones I took of you.”

The car abruptly swerved off the road, throwing Rick and I against the left door. We bumped along or a few minutes and I struggled to sit upright and put distance between myself and my teacher. Who else had be preyed on? Did the police know he had the pictures, or did his wife just dump him and move on?

Kylo slammed on the brakes and got out of the car without putting it in park. I scrambled forward to yank back the emergency brake so we didn’t roll anywhere, and the left door opened. Rick shouted in protest as Kylo violently dragged him from the car and threw him into the dirt. I stayed in the car and shrank back against the opposite door, too terrified to get out. He was _really_ angry.

 “Where are the pictures you took?!” Kylo demanded, kicking Rick hard in the ribs. “ _Where are they_?!”

Rick tried to grab Kylo’s ankle and got a kick to the head instead. He groaned softly and rolled on his back, and Kylo straddled him and punched him in the face. He grabbed Rick’s collar and shook him, and blood stained the dirt. I covered my face with my hands and peered through my fingers.

 “WHERE ARE THEY?!” Kylo roared. He was trembling with rage, and slammed Rick’s head off the ground. “I have to have them—tell me where they are!”

Rick laughed as he coughed up blood. “They’re all mine. I’m not sharing Rey with you.”

It happened fast. Kylo withdrew a steak knife he’d brought from the diner and in a flash of steel and flesh, Rick’s throat was gushing blood. I turned away and held back vomit, but I could hear Kylo start furiously stabbing the corpse, and I almost lost my dinner. There was no other sound but the blade plunging into flesh and crickets chirping in the distance.

Eventually, that sound stopped, too. I tentatively opened my fingers to see Kylo still straddling Rick, panting and staring at the knife now lodged in his forehead. He rubbed his arm across his forehead and felt around Rick’s pockets until he found his wallet. His hands were covered in blood as he flipped through the wallet and took out three pictures.

Kylo looked at them briefly, then his black eyes flickered to me. “Open the trunk.”

I groped behind me, too afraid to look away from Kylo, and opened my door, spilling out into the dirt. I hurried to my feet and opened the car trunk to find a black bag with campfire fuel, matches, and pliers.

The sun was setting. I approached Kylo with the supplies trembling in my hands and he smiled at me. Blood had splattered across his suit.

 “I may have lost my temper,” he said, taking the pliers first. He yanked open Rick’s mouth and sighed. “Thankfully, I learned how to properly dismember a body.”

I flinched when he tore out one of Rick’s teeth. This wasn’t the Kylo I knew. This was the same one who almost killed his younger sister and turned on me like a rabid dog. I watched him rip out all of Rick’s teeth despite myself, mystified. The vicious psychopath side of Kylo wasn’t interested in me. He was hard to expose, but impossible to control when he did finally break free.

It was dark when Kylo was done. He stood up and started peeling off his clothes, throwing them on Rick’s dead body. I went back to the trunk without being asked to get him clean clothes, and when I came back, Kylo had emptied all the fuel on the pyre. He glanced over his shoulder at me as he struck a match, and smiled.

 “Do you feel better, Rey?” he asked. The match tipped from his fingers and the pile erupted into flames, leaping and snapping towards the sky. The fire glowed across his face, contorting his features until he looked like a demon. “I feel better.”

 “I… It happened so fast…”

Kylo pouted and nodded, offering me a hand. “I know it’s hard. You need some time to process your emotions. Come stand by the fire with me, my love. I’ll help you.”

 “I’m an accomplice…” I choked on my words, eyes brimming with tears. “I… I killed someone.”

Kylo gestured for me to approach again. I hesitated, but the desert was dark and cold, and I didn’t want to be alone. He pulled me against his chest and hugged me tightly, resting his chin on my head.

 “What do you do when a client brings in a rabid dog?” he asked.

 “…There’s nothing we can do. There’s no cure, and it’s dangerous. We euthanize it.”

 “ _Exactly_.” Kylo cupped my face in his hands, wiping away my tears with his thumbs. “We euthanize animals that cannot be saved—for their own good, and for the good of everyone else.”

I stared up into his dark eyes and swallowed hard. He’d wiped the blood off his hands, but I could still smell the rusty residue. Kylo smiled and kissed my forehead and told me to wait in the car. I was happy to. The reek of boiling skin and tissue was permeating the air and making me sick. When I opened the door and checked on him over my shoulder, I saw him tearing up the pictures from Mr. Mahon’s wallet and sprinkling them into the flames.

A long time passed before Kylo came to the car. The fire was out as far as I could tell, and he had wrapped up the teeth in a piece of cloth. He glanced at me sitting stone still in the passenger seat. I hadn’t moved much since getting back in the car. It was like the world was passing by me, and I couldn’t go anywhere. Mr. Mahon was dead.

Kylo shifted the car into park and released the emergency brake. “We’ll go back to the hotel to rest for a day before we leave for Louisiana. How about a bath, hm?”

 “…I can’t believe he’s dead,” I whispered.

 “I know. Give it time.”

My eyes dropped to my hands that were just as guilty as Kylo’s. “Why did you take his teeth?”

 “Dental records. It makes it more difficult for them to identify the body.” He squeezed one of my hands reassuringly. “But Mr. Mahon is mostly ash now. I scattered his bones—they don’t disintegrate.”

He kept his hand on my thigh the entire trip back to the hotel. I was still shaking when I got out of the car and Kylo helped me inside for a few steps before sweeping me up in his arms. He never carried me bridal style—always cradling me like a sleepy toddler, with my head lolling on his shoulder.

I was crying when we got back to the room. My emotions were all over the place; I couldn’t pin one down long enough to examine it. Kylo spoke soothingly to me and lowered me to sit on the edge of the bed. He brushed back my hair, standing over me, and kissed me on the forehead before leaving for the bathroom. I sat there miserably, feeling the yawning pain of guilt both for watching Kylo kill Mr. Mahon, and for the relief and happiness it gave me.

 “Tell me what you’re feeling, Rey.”

Kylo had taken his shirt off already. He knelt down in front of me and took my hands in his, once again back to the gentler demeanor he only saved for me. His dark eyes searched mine and I sniffled.

 “I’m scared,” I said softly. “I feel… terrible for letting you kill him, but I’m…” I hesitated and looked down at his big hands curled around mine. “…I’m happy he’s dead.”

 “That’s to be expected, considering what he did to you. Witnessing death can be traumatizing, but your guilt is unnecessary.” Kylo kissed my hands, smiling. “You couldn’t have stopped me.”

I stared back at him. “I should’ve tried. I shouldn’t sit here like this when you’ve been threatening to kill people just because they wronged me.”

 “What other options do you have?”

I freed my hands from his and got to my feet, biting my nails. “I don’t know. I mean, you’re my legal guardian now, but I could go back home with mom and dad. I think I’m getting better because you’re not drugging me all the time. But… mom and dad don’t know that. And with how I’ve been acting, I don’t think they’d even believe me if I told them. But they might.”

Kylo nodded and stood up, too. “They might.” He reached in his pocket for his cell phone and offered it to me, smiling. “Why don’t you try?”

 _What?!_ I blinked back at him, flummoxed. He was telling me to rat on him to my parents?

 “But…” I faltered. “But what will happen?”

 “They may believe you—probably not, but maybe.” Kylo tossed the phone in his hand so the screen was face up. “Your parents aren’t stupid, but I have convinced them quite thoroughly of your mental instability. I already have custody of you, further complicating matters, and you and I would be long gone before the authorities even consider arresting me. But… you could try, and cause your poor parents even more anguish over your wellbeing.”

I drew back from the phone like it was venomous. He was right. Mom and dad might believe me, but Kylo was slippery like an eel. He’d either convince them that I was having another episode, or he’d vanish before anyone figured out what was happening. It would just be torment for my parents.

 “The police will believe me,” I stammered. “They have to investigate.”

Kylo put his phone back in his pocket and sauntered towards me. “Yes, they do, but that will lead right back to your parents. You would be committed for a time until the trial, or until another psychiatrist can examine you for release.” He began unbuttoning my blouse, tilting his head. “And I know quite a few psychiatrists who will keep you right where you are.”

 “I’m not supposed to let you do this to people!” I sobbed, pushing him away. “It’s not right! It’s illegal, and it’s not right!” I turned and ran my hands through my hair, shaking my head. “But I don’t want to hurt my family, and I don’t want to end up in a psych ward.”

 “Of course you don’t. You’re a good girl, Rey.” Kylo grabbed my arm and spun me around to face him. “Stop languishing under the delusion that you can stop me. You can’t, and continuing to feel guilt for me being outside of your control is fruitless and damaging.”

I knew that, but it didn’t change how I felt at that moment. Kylo kept murmuring to me as he took off the rest of my clothes and guided me into the bathroom. Maybe I was a monster, too.


	39. She dances like a Bomb, abroad,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
> 
> Silas is supposed to look like Adam Driver, which... makes this kind of weird. Lmao. But that's my newest fic, where he's a retired SEAL who goes around killing pedophiles and human traffickers. He's more morally ambiguous than say, Seth, and has a much different personality. 
> 
> Wren, the protag, is a 23-year-old Lakota who's arrogant, rude, and kind of sheltered. She's finishing college (journalism) and also hates human traffickers. She was born on a rez (reservation for those who are not from the U.S., where my garbage government waits for the Natives to die out) and like many of them, it was stricken with poverty. Her father was murdered and she's on a lifelong quest to figure out who, what, where, when, why. She's kind of a huge bitch and I love it.
> 
> I LOVE it because they're both different from the usual formula I use, but it's 'racebending' for sure. It could translate well to this; I can post it if anyone's interested. But... Yeah, Silas is supposed to look like Adam so just like y'know... use your imagination for this chapter, lol.

  _“A local man, Luke Mahon, has disappeared in what authorities are calling suspicious circumstances. Mahon was last seen in a small diner near Ely, and police are asking for the public’s help in determining what exactly led to his disappearance. Anyone with information can call the Ely police.”_

A few days had passed since Kylo introduced me to Seth and murdered Mr. Mahon. We’d been out and about for the most part, visiting the small local museums and seeing the sights. We left Ely to stay in Las Vegas for another night before catching a flight to Louisiana to see Chris Reinhart, Kylo’s next patient.

We were getting ready to go out for dinner when the report flashed across the TV in our hotel room. It was nicer than the one in Ely, with mahogany accents and mood lighting and granite. I’d never seen anything quite like it. The bathroom had a whirlpool tub with a separate waterfall shower, and Kylo had already told me all about how we would “spend time together” in both.

I glanced up at him as I was putting on my heels. He was wearing a gray jacket that was open in the front with a white t-shirt underneath. His jeans were dark and slimming and he was putting on his watch, black eyes studying the newscaster. He glanced at me and smiled, gaze lingering on my lips.

 “The things I do for love,” he sighed.

 “Yeah… love.” I rose and tugged my short black dress as close to my knees as possible. “Did you get me any clothes that don’t make me look like a cheap hooker?”

Kylo turned off the TV. “Oh, Rey—I wouldn’t let you outside dressed like a prostitute.” He rolled up his sleeves to his elbows and cocked his head. “That’s for the bedroom.”

My thoughts drifted back to the purple bag. I hadn’t been exposed to its contents—yet.

It wasn’t far to the nearest restaurant. The streets were crowded with people flooding the casinos and I skirted a group of very drunk women around my age. Kylo held me close to his side as we walked, much more in his element than I was, and turned me around a corner to the door of a building with a burly bouncer guarding the door. There was a line of people waiting, but the man nodded to Kylo and allowed the two of us inside. I nervously tugged on my dress.

The music inside was loud and it was hard to see; definitely not the ‘restaurant’ Kylo had promised me.  The smell of alcohol and different colognes and perfumes hung heavy in the air and I stumbled along behind Kylo until we got to a table with high-backed black chairs.

A waiter immediately descended on us and Kylo ordered for me before I could even ask for a menu. He shrugged out of his coat and took mine and, surprisingly, left me unattended to go to coat check. I awkwardly folded my arms before going back to pulling on my dress. It barely came halfway down my thighs and I didn’t like being that exposed.

 “What’s a pretty thing like you doing all alone?”

A man with shaggy black hair down to his shoulders swung into the seat next to me with a beer in his hand. He was tall like Kylo and had a deep voice, too, but it wasn’t as stern and serious. His skin was a bit pale, making him glow under the strobe lights flashing overhead. He was wearing a black Yale t-shirt that accentuated his muscles and broad shoulders and dark jeans that didn’t quite fit in with the fancier dress of everyone else. He had a moustache and a beard on his chin and his eyes were light green. He wasn’t conventionally attractive, but his wide, engaging smile was alluring.

I scowled. “Waiting for my… uh… friend.”

 “Are you?” He took a drink from his beer and looked around pointedly. “And where is your friend?”

 “At coat check, and he won’t be happy when he comes back and finds you sitting here with me.”

The man laughed and leaned his head on his hand, openly checking me out. “My name is Silas. What’s yours?”

 “Silas—this is Rey.”

Familiar hands slid over my shoulders and squeezed. I smiled smugly back at the strange man, expecting him to be as terrified of Kylo as everyone else was, but he took another fast drink of his beer and got to his feet to offer Kylo a handshake. I glared indignantly as they sat down on either side of me as the waiter arrived with a scotch for Kylo and some kind of tea with an umbrella for me.

 “Good to see you, Ren,” Silas said. “Funny how I gravitated over here.” His warm eyes flickered to me and back to Kylo. “Is this the one you’re keeping?”

Kylo sipped his scotch and nodded. “Yes, this is Rey Kenobi. Rey, this is one of my other friends, Silas Cooper.”

 “Another—” I made sarcastic quotation marks with my fingers— “friend, huh? Are there any women in your clique, or is this more of a way for you guys to safely explore your homosexual urges? Don’t worry, they’re totally normal.”

Silas raised his eyebrows. “Well that’s not very nice.”

I shrugged and took a long draw of what I thought was iced tea, only to immediately find out that it was chock full of alcohol. Kylo and Silas chatted idly while I hacked and coughed after swallowing what tasted like pure poison and regret. It was awful. I grabbed a water Kylo had ordered and chugged half of it to wash the taste out of my mouth and the burn from my throat.

 “I’m going to assess Chris in a few days,” Kylo said, watching my dramatics with pity but talking to Silas. “Liev is in Colorado but he’s agreed to meet with us in Maine. Chris and Seth should be moved by the end of the month, and Pierre won’t go anywhere without Natalie. You and Liev should be more than capable of springing the other two from their institutions.”

 “Done it a thousand times.” Silas finished his beer and caught a waitress’s eye across the room. He winked and she blushed and skittered away. “After this shit is resolved, I have some business in Oregon. Move some cargo, pay a visit to some people who deserve it.”

 “Oh? Like who?”

This time I took a more tentative sip of my drink as the waiter dropped off our food. It wasn’t anything fancy, but I didn’t care. I gobbled down a few pieces of chicken before Kylo slid the plate away from me and yanked my chair next to his. He used a fork to break up a piece and offered me smaller chunks, then rested his arm around my shoulders. Silas watched, puzzled, as a waitress dropped off another beer.

 “Is she retarded?” he asked bluntly.

I bristled, mouth full of chicken, but Kylo spoke before I could.

 “No,” he said, “she just needs some guidance.” He glanced up at his ‘friend’ as he sliced up more chicken. “Which is what I do for a living. Some of us prefer to stay out of the black market.”

 “Woah, no need for the personal attacks!” Silas laughed. “Just an innocent question. You’re draped all over her feeding her cut up pieces of food. People are gonna think she’s retarded and you’re trying to fuck her.” He rolled his eyes, sipping his beer. “Helpful observation.”

Silas was nothing like Kylo or Seth. He was much more at ease, lounging in his chair like he owned the place and giving random women cocky grins. It was off-putting for me, dredging up memories of Ian acting like a complete ass every time we were out in public. I clenched my jaw and took another swig of my drink.

 “What do _you_ do for a living?” I asked with an edge in my voice. “Kill people?”

Silas rocked back on the legs of his chair, green eyes sweeping the dance floor. “I dabble. I kill people who deserve it, I know people who know people, move things that need to be moved. Didn’t go to preppy Harvard like your dad here.”

I scowled. “Well that’s vague.”

 “Silas joined the military out of high school,” Kylo said, happy to fill in the gaps for me. “He was a Navy SEAL, which is why he ‘knows people who know people.’ Eat more, Rey.”

Ugh. I wolfed down the rest of my chicken, curious to know more about this new person. He glanced between Kylo and I again like he was revolted and shook his head.

 “One of the kiddie diddlers from Virginia just moved there,” Silas said. “I’m going to pay him a long, painful visit.” He locked eyes with a woman and left the table without saying another word.

Kylo didn’t seem surprised. He checked my plate to make sure I ate everything, controlling as always, and finished the rest of his scotch. I watched Silas suspiciously and Kylo pushed the Long Island in front of me. It tasted like shit but maybe I’d be less miserable with my current predicament if I was a wee bit drunk. I took a deep breath and drank it as fast as I could. Eeuugh.

The waitress dropped off another and Kylo idly sipped a fresh scotch, watching me lazily, smiling. I took a few drags of my drink and blinked back at him. I should be used to the staring.

 “What?” I asked, rolling my eyes.

 “Nothing. I just can’t wait to bring you home and fuck you.”

Yeah, I needed more alcohol. I threw the straw away and chugged the drink while Kylo continued smiling and nursing his beverage. He offered me the rest when I was done and I tossed it back, coughing, then gestured for the waitress to get me another tea. That would get me thoroughly shitfaced.

And it did—quick. Kylo dragged me out to the dance floor and I stumbled, clinging to his forearms to support amidst the writhing bodies. He turned me around and pulled me against his hard chest and hooked his fingers over my hips, grinding into my tailbone with the thrum of the music. The room started spinning and I depended on him to keep me from falling on my face.

I kept drinking everything Kylo offered me. We wandered away from the crowd to a dark corner and he pushed my dress up a few inches and tugged down my panties to my thighs. My breath caught—we were in fucking public!—and I hear his zipper click down. Drunk people milled by in the light as Kylo pushed me over the edge of a cart and sank inside me. It rattled with each thrust.

 “Fuck, Rey.” He grunted and laughed. “Fuck. Good girl.”

Drunk as I was, my heart thundered from anxiety. No one looked at us. Kylo panted and strained until he swelled and finished, filling me up with cum. I tugged down my dress when he stepped back and he casually pulled my panties over my hips. His essence dripped out of me.

 “I gotta… pee,” I muttered.

 “No, no.” Kylo slipped his fingers down the back of my panties and swept his cum through my folds. “Keep it all.”

Silas was at our table with a blonde girl in his lap when we came back. He chatted with Kylo while she kissed his neck and Kylo held me in his lap, too, gently rolling his hardness between my thighs. The girl in Silas’s lap turned her head and smiled knowingly at me while he did the same thing to her. I blinked and gripped the edge of the table, stunned. Just when I thought it couldn’t get weirder…

The woman, who was very pretty and had green eyes like Silas’s, leaned back to smile at him. “Let’s get out of here.” She glanced at Kylo and I and her smile widened. “All of us.”

No—that wasn’t what I wanted. I squeezed Kylo’s thigh and he nibbled the side of my neck. He wouldn’t share me, anyway.

Silas interrupted, laughing. “Yeah, let’s not. I’m not remotely interested in seeing Ren’s dick.” He rose, carrying the girl with him, and set her on the floor. “But I will definitely get out of here with you. Want to stop for a taco on the way?”

He clapped Kylo on the back on his way past us with the woman swaying drunkenly beside him. I frowned after them and reddened when Kylo went back to grinding into me.

 “I think that’s enough harassment for one night,” I snapped, wriggling out of his lap. “Take me home.”

 “Don’t get so excited, Rey.” He rose and finished his scotch, then touched the small of my back, willing me towards the exit. “The contents of the purple bag you were so interested are still waiting for you. But, I suppose we both need our beauty sleep for our traveling tomorrow. “

Thank god. I stumbled my way out of the seedy club, head swimming, and puked in the bushes outside. Kylo patted my back and carried me the rest of the way home. I fell asleep on his shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH and I also would SUPER like to commission a drawing of my psychopath characters so if you guys know someone, pleaseeee refer me. Or them. Like six or seven of them and I will of course be happy to reimburse. I just want a drawing of them all chillin'. I don't know why.


	40. And swings upon the Hours,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is now caught up to the OF so slowwww updates from now on

The trip to Louisiana was much less exciting.

The climate was humid and oppressive. We were meeting Chris that same day and flying out in the morning to Colorado to see Liev, the next psychopath on the list. It’d be a welcome change from all the heat and sunshine. Last, we would visit Pierre in Maine and they would all gather in Vermont. I refused to be present for that. I wanted to go home to my family and forget it all.

We checked in to the hotel and went upstairs to drop off our luggage. Kylo dropped his sunglasses on the table in the mini-kitchen and ran both hands through his hair, scowling at the wall. I hated him and all his serial killer friends. I’d die before I spent time around one of them again.

I sat at the table, crossing my arms. “I’m not going with you to Vermont.”

 “Yes, you are.” He opened the blinds to look across the parking lot. “You’ll go wherever I tell you to go.”

 “No. I’m not going to be around them.”

Kylo stiffened and glared at me over his shoulder. “What would you like me to do, Rey?” He stalked over to slam his hands on the table, simmering with anger. “They know who I am. They can find me, and they can find you. Pierre spent his entire life in Washington murdering women in the _same spot_. Liev has assassinated world leaders—they will find us and kill us both.”

The part of me that was afraid of Kylo was even more afraid of a random man raping me. All of these men were unpredictable and I knew the deeper I went, the less protected I was. I hopped out of my chair and got in his face, arching on my tiptoes to meet his dark eyes.

 “You dragged me into this,” I hissed, poking his chest. “You knew the repercussions and even knowing what I’ve been through, you still dragged me into it. You really are a monster.”

Kylo looked like he wanted to slap me but once again, I read him wrong. He grabbed my wrists and gave me a bruising kiss, slipping his tongue in my mouth and dragging me towards the bedroom. There was no point in resisting, so I went along with it and fell into bed with him. It was frenzied, like he was trying to take possession of me again, and I figured he probably was.

I laid in the bed after, naked and sweaty. It was the first time I’d consented to sex since I found out what he was. Well—sort of, consented. Kylo rose and got dressed without looking at me. His shoulder blades flexed and I could see marks across his back from me sinking my nails into it.

 “I’m going to see Reinhart alone.” His dark eyes flickered to mine for a split second. “There’s no need for you to come along. I’ll be back by dinner.”

He was leaving me behind? I just nodded and didn’t say anything while he walked around and finished getting dressed, slipping on his watch and going to brush his teeth. I slowly sat up in bed and brushed my hair back. If we wasn’t making me go meet another psychopath, I wasn’t going to question it.

Kylo swept through the room but paused by the door. He still didn’t turn and look at me as I drew the sheets around myself and stared at the back of his head. After all this time and all the things that happened, he was still an enigma to me. There had to be something more.

 “I’m sorry,” he said, turning his head slightly like he wanted to look at me.

Then he was gone, leaving me staring blankly at the empty doorframe. I forgot to breathe for a couple of moments. Holy shit. Did he apologize to me?

 “God, this is sick,” I muttered, slipping out of bed to shower.

I scrubbed my hair and body clean and kept shaking my head while brushing my teeth. Nope. No. Kylo was still a piece of shit who deliberately pulled me into a dangerous and terrifying world and wouldn’t let me back out. He drugged me, tricked me, and raped me multiple times. I trembled as I spat out the toothpaste and rinsed my mouth out. No fucking way. Sorry didn’t begin to cover it.

The day was quiet otherwise. I sat and watched TV and stewed bitterly over Kylo, furious over the whole situation and my inability to control it. Meeting Silas just made it more real. I was going to meet all these depraved beasts and there was nothing I could do about it.

My gaze fell on the hotel phone resting by the window. Maybe…

I inched over to the edge of the couch and picked it up to dial out, trembling. Mom would believe me if I told her. She’d send the police and tell me to come straight home. Hell, she’d probably fly out and save me herself. So would dad. They’d both drop everything for me.

  _I already have custody of you… I know quite a few psychiatrists who will keep you right where you are._

My fingers hesitated.

  _Stop languishing under the delusion that you can stop me._

Swallowing, I set the phone back on the hook. What would happen? Kylo had already told me. If they believed me and he was arrested, I’d be transferred to another psychiatrist and he knew several who would keep me captive until he was released. If he was released. Kidnapping and assaulting a patient had to come with at least twenty years in prison.

The door suddenly opened and I jerked away from the phone. Kylo stepped inside, pushing his shades up on top of his head and talking on the phone with someone in a foreign language. I squinted—sounded Russian? Maybe German. It was harsh.

 “Ty v Kolorado, verno?” He looked irritated.

Kylo turned on speakerphone and gestured to the device, setting it on the table. I padded over with my arms crossed to listen to the newest stranger. It had to be Liev.

 “Yes, near Denver.” His voice wasn’t deep like the others. It sounded… normal. He had a slight Russian accent. “No need to come to me. I’ll meet you in Vermont in a few days with Holt. Penelope is coming along, but the children are elsewhere. And how are you, Rey?”

My spine prickled and I exchanged a glance with Kylo, but he was just as surprised. How did Liev know I was listening in?

 “Uh… good?” I said.

 “My wife is quite excited to meet you. She’s in her art room painting right now so I’d prefer not to bother her. I have children your age, Miss Kenobi. Well, one—Viktor.” Liev laughed coldly. “He’s not particularly friendly.”

 “Bummer,” I muttered.

 “Will Viktor be joining us?” Kylo asked suddenly, panic flashing in his eyes.

Liev clicked his tongue a few times. “Mmm… I’m not entirely sure. He’s had a penchant for children lately and it’s keeping him quite busy.”

My stomach turned. Kylo laughed along with Liev and his throat bobbed. Kids? One of them was doing these horrible things to little kids? I could’ve puked right there.

 “Holt’s daughter will be there,” Kylo said. “Silas also dislikes… ah… when people indulge in children. Perhaps it’s best for Viktor to steer clear.”

 “Probably,” Liev agreed. “I’ll advise him to find other ways to occupy himself. I never understood the appeal of raping children, anyway. I tried it once myself in my younger years and found the screaming to be a nuisance. So… high pitched. The bodies themselves are an issue, too. I nearly split my unfortunate victim in half. Left her there to bleed to death.”

Rage jolted through my bones. Kylo saw me clench my fists and quickly scooped up the phone before I could grab it and curse Liev out. What a sick fucking freak. I stomped my foot furiously and stormed into the bedroom, slamming the door shut behind me. I wanted nothing to do with any of them!

I paced the floor, scowling, then charged back out to go for the phone and call the police. Kylo must have been expecting me because he grabbed my arm as soon as I walked out of the bedroom and dragged me right back in, still chatting with Liev. I struggled to pry my arm free and petulantly dropped down to the floor so Kylo had to bend down to keep his grip on me. He spat something in Russian to Liev and hung up the phone, tossing it on the bed to seize both of my arms and wrestle me to the floor.

Kylo straddled my hips and pinned my wrists next to my head.  “He said it to get a reaction out of you. Get a hold of yourself, Rey, and stop wearing your emotions on your sleeve.”

 “I’ll punch him in the face when we meet!” I snapped.

 “Rey—Jesus Christ.”

To my great surprise, he got up and stalked away from me, running a hand through his hair. I sat up and leaned on the edge of the bed and glared up at him.

Kylo clenched his jaw. “Just fucking do what I say. Why is that so hard for you?” He paced, returning my venomous look.

 “I’m not your property. I don’t belong to you, Kylo.”

His scowl deepened and he slammed the bedroom door shut without another word. I watched as he unzipped his suitcase and pulled out the case full of medications and flipped it open. He began filling up a needle and my fear morphed into rage. I wasn’t his fucking pincushion.

I jumped on Kylo’s back and wrapped an arm around his neck, using the other to rip the needle from his hand. He tried to roll over to get me off and I shifted the barrel through my fingers like I did in school vaccinating animals. I curled my legs around his waist, crushed under his weight, and plunged the needle into his upper arm, right through his shirt. The fluid squelched into his muscle.

Kylo rolled off me and swore. I had no idea what I injected into him and I didn’t care. He hastily grabbed another filled needle and pinned me by my throat to forcibly inject me.

 “Fuck!” he spat. “Fuck me.” He threw the needle across the room and hurriedly locked up the other medications, then locked the door. “Rey, you gave me Ativan.”

I smiled as the med began to ripple through my mind. “Good.”

He disconnected the hotel phone and locked ours away in the medication case. Clearly Kylo was concerned about losing control of himself—and me. I kept smirking at him as he tried to get everything in order before the heavy dose of Ativan set in. It was really fast. Klonopin took half an hour before I could feel it blanketing my mind, but Ativan was almost instantaneous.

The med worked like usual for me. It was like my brain was being suffocated and I just laid there on the floor and stared at the ceiling, blinking slowly. Kylo sank down to the floor to lean on the door like he was guarding it and I let my head loll to the side so I could smirk at him. He glared back at me.

 “Something wrong?” I asked, raising my eyebrows innocently.

Kylo clenched his jaw. “All these things I do for you… and you still fight me.”

The Ativan kept me from getting mad. I laughed instead and rolled onto my stomach to get up on all fours and crawled to the nightstand to lean against it. We were ten feet apart, staring at each other, but only Kylo was resisting the drug. I was used to it by now. I knew there was no point in fighting back.

 “And you say _I’m_ crazy.” I kept smiling because it was pissing him off. “What’s it like being so deeply delusional? Do you know you are, or are you still trying to manipulate me?”

 “I love you, Rey.”

 “No, you don’t.”

We were quiet for a while. Kylo dragged his suitcase to him and began casually taking out the contents of the purple bag one by one, lining them up in a row. I knew he was trying to scare me and I rolled my eyes. It was all brightly colored rubber and handcuffs and clamps. He put batteries in a few things and didn’t look at me, gazing off into space while he worked.

 “There’s only three holes you can stick stuff in,” I croaked, trying to pretend I didn’t care.

 “I killed Mahon for you.” Kylo’s voice sounded kind of hollow. He kept arranging his things, staring at them. “I feed you, clothe you… I took you in. Devote most of my time to you.”

 “Kidnapped me, drugged me, raped me, lied to me.”

 “You won’t accept your place—or appreciate the things I’ve done for you, and the things I’ve protected you from.”

Ugh. Listening to Kylo try to justify being a monster was enough to make me puke. In fact…

My stomach lurched and I slapped a hand over it to keep from vomiting right on the carpet. I hadn’t had breakfast yet and I usually didn’t react to the medications. Groaning, I crawled across the room on my hands and knees to the bathroom and arched over to toilet to barf up bile. All the travel wasn’t agreeing with me. I wiped my mouth with a tissue and clawed up the sink to rinse my mouth out with toothpaste.

Kylo was watching me with one eye open when I came back.

 “Fever?” he asked.

I shook my head and crept under the bed sheets. “Being around you makes me sick.”

 “Funny.” He grasped the edge of the TV stand and wavered to his feet, stumbling towards me with a pink vibrator dangling from his fingertips. “I’m sure this will help.”

We were both slowed down by the Ativan but Kylo’s dose wasn’t as high as mine. He pushed back the sheets and easily pushed me on my stomach, draping himself across my back and nosing into my hair. I wasn’t scared and I didn’t make a sound when the buzzing vibrator nudged down my pants and between my legs. It was kind of like my animal brain took over and I rolled my hips, panting into the pillows.

Kylo kissed the side of my head and stroked the back of my hand with his free fingers. “I shouldn’t reward you after your little outburst, but… I just can’t help myself.”

 “Uh huh.”

He waited until I climaxed twice before turning me on my back and struggling to pull my pants off with his face buried in the pillows next to my neck. I arched my hips to help and he managed to get them down to my knees, then pushed up my shirt to sloppily suck on my nipples.

Pain jolted through my breast and I hissed, pushing him away by his forehead. Kylo blinked torpidly as I winced and pulled my shirt back down with my other hand. Ow—fuck! My nipples zapped again and I snapped out of my lazy reverie, squirming from underneath him. He leaned back on his calves, dark eyes hazy with lust and maybe some confusion.

 “That hurts,” I snapped.

 “…Oh.” Kylo lazily yanked off my pants and threw them on the floor. “I’m still going to fuck you.”

His phone rang from the medication case. He turned slightly, shifting his jaw, and got out of bed to answer it. I watched as he unlocked the case and slurred his words as he answered it. Maybe the medication was affecting him more than I thought.

Then Kylo’s face went blank. “Hello, Liev.”

Ick. I drew the sheets up to my chin and yawned, intending on taking a nap. Kylo put the call on speaker and paced while Liev rattled something off in Russian.

 “Viktor wants to meet Rey?” Kylo said like he was echoing Liev’s words.

I scowled and shook my head. No, that was the one who ‘had a penchant’ for kids.

Liev picked up the conversation in English. “She will be returned to you in one piece. Think of it as… initiation.”

My eyes widened. Oh, no. No, no, no.

Kylo glanced at me and struggled to keep his composure. “…Rey is very ill, Liev. While I appreciate Viktor’s interest, it would be dangerous for her health to be exposed to his sadistic tendencies.”

 “Is that your professional opinion, Ren? Or is there a bit of attachment influencing you?” Liev was amused. He was toying with Kylo; feeling him out. “Perhaps it would be beneficial for Rey to experience being fucked by a real man, hmm? For her health, of course.”

I stared at Kylo and my ears rang. His Adam’s apple bobbed, and he put on a fake smile. The situation I dreaded was unfolding over the phone. They’d be angry if Kylo left me behind, so he couldn’t hide me from them, and when I went there, they were going to use me to torture the weakest member of the pack. It wasn’t so much ‘initiation’ as it was sadistic hazing.

Kylo moved his lips like he was chewing on words. “Silas will not tolerate Viktor’s presence, Liev. It will create a dangerous—”

 “What eclectic décor.”

 “…Pardon?”

A door creaked across the phone. “I’ve always liked Maine. It’s a peaceful place—quiet.” The door closed and I heard a lock click. “Perhaps that’s why Jack and Helen decided to raise Rey here, on Orchard Street, not far from the beach. How lovely.”

My heart plunged through my stomach. I scrambled out of bed and seized Kylo’s wrist so I could talk right into the phone, thrown into a panic. Oh my god, oh my god—he was in my house.

 “Please don’t hurt them!” I begged, breaking down into tears. “Please—I’ll do whatever you want!”

Kylo hooked his fingers over my teeth across my lower jaw, dark eyes furious. “You’ll have to forgive Rey. She hasn’t had her medication yet.”

I bit down and he threw me to the floor. Liev laughed genially on the other end and a TV turned on.

 “Don’t fret,” he murmured. “I haven’t visited your parents yet, Miss Kenobi. But I do appreciate your… willingness. Viktor will, too. He likes compliant women.” He was in someone’s house… maybe mine. Maybe he was lying. “A bit of an oddball, though. He went through a phase of slitting the throat and fucking the corpse as it cooled, which I suppose is a touch of necrophilia. Hates screaming. He likes to draw blood and cause agony, but you mustn’t scream.”

Kylo had absolutely no control over any of them. He was packing quickly while Liev talked and threw my pants at me, jaw set tight. Trembling, I put on my clothes and held back tears.

 “Rey and I need to get to the airport,” Kylo said. “More traveling.”

 “Oh. Excellent.” Liev yawned and I thought of a sated lion. “Pierre and I will be waiting for you.”

We didn’t talk during the drive to the airport. Neither of us knew what to say.


	41. The Horror welcomes her, again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> liev was always my favorite because he's the biggest asshole lmfaooo

Talking to my parents over the phone wasn’t good enough. I had to see them in person to know they were okay, so I waited it out until we arrived back in Maine. Now Kylo was having a tough time keeping up with me as I rushed out of the airport and back to his waiting Audi in the parking lot. Liev wouldn’t hurt them—right? He couldn’t.

 “They’re fine, Rey,” Kylo assured me for the hundredth time, unlocking the car. “This is what men like Liev do. They play games and a strong reaction just signals weakness.”

I ignored him and slipped in the front seat. I’d retaliated against Kylo and was gaining confidence in myself after months of feeling like shit. We’d see what this ‘Liev’ character was like.

It was a quiet, tense drive home. Kylo and I were only supposed to stay for a week before heading out to Vermont to meet all the psychopaths at once, but it would be another week there before Silas and Liev broke Chris and Seth out of prison. I wondered how that was supposed to go down. Was it going to be like the _Ocean’s_ movies or a bit less dramatic?

Kylo pulled up to my house and I felt a weird sense of sadness. So much had changed since I’d last seen mom and dad. I’d learned what my psychiatrist really was, been attacked numerous times, drugged, and it felt like a small piece of me died in London. I swallowed hard and Kylo’s long fingers alighted on mine.

 “It’s okay,” he murmured. “None of them will hurt you.”

 “You will, though—so what do I care?”

I stared back into his dark eyes for a moment and left when he couldn’t give me an answer.

Mom was already running out of the house and my heart swelled with happiness. We squealed and hugged, dancing in a circle, and dad joined in, too. It was a big shock that they both had the day off work, but I remembered the money that was central to me going to London in the first place. It was like I sold my soul for a hundred grand.

 “Kylo!” Mom crowed. “So good to see you! Has she been difficult?”

 “Not at all. Rey has been a pleasure to work with.”

We all chatted politely and went inside for dinner. Mom made my favorite: chicken picatta with mashed potatoes and green beans. I looked around the familiar kitchen and was tempted to go check out my room but wasn’t sure if I’d like what I saw. Maybe they moved my stuff out.

Kylo sat next to me in the booth while mom gave us our plates. She was elated to have me home and chattered about how healthy I looked and how I lost weight. I smiled and ate my food, casting a furtive glance at my psychiatrist. What would he do if I told my parents right here and now? Probably tell them I’m having an ‘episode’ and shoot me up with Ativan or Klonopin or whatever.

Mom was so happy, though, thinking I was improving. It was insane, but I didn’t want to ruin that for her or dad. I’d been a thorn in their side since I was conceived.

 “Rey?”

I blinked and noticed mom’s smile fading as she watched me. Kylo touched my back, leaning over to look into my eyes, and frowned.

 “You’re a little pale, Miss Kenobi.” His hand twitched towards mine and I knew he wanted to feed me. “Your mother wanted you to stay here for the week—what do you think?”

He wanted me to say no and insist it was better to go to his house. So fuck him.

 “That sounds like a _great_ idea!” I gasped, smiling sarcastically at Kylo.

 “Yay!” Mom claps her hands. “I kept your room exactly the same, baby. Well, I bought you new sheets, and a TV, and we bought you an iPad for studying when you go back to school. Not much longer now! You’ll be safe and sound with Dr. Ren.”

Kylo glared daggers at me throughout dinner. I deliberately took my time while I ate, laughing along with mom and dad and pretending his ominous presence wasn’t looming over me. He grabbed my thigh when dad went to the bathroom and mom got up to put the leftovers away. I raised my eyebrows and smirked again, confident with my parents around. Go ahead. Try something.

 “You’ll be safer staying with me,” he hissed. “You’re a sitting duck here.”

 “You’re the lesser of two evils. I’ll take my chances.”

He growled irately and leaned back, clenching his jaw. I kept smiling at him while mom answered a phone call and enjoyed the sense of power I had. Not like he could force me to go. Well, he could, since he legally controlled me, but it wouldn’t be pretty. He had to stay in my parents’ good graces.

Kylo ran a hand through his black hair. “…If you come with me…” He paused, huffing. “I will not _medicate_ you, or… force you to do anything you don’t want to do.”

 “No drugs or—” I checked for mom and whispered “sex?”

He nodded tersely, searching my eyes. “None of it. At least, for this week.”

 “You’re that desperate for me to stay with you?”

 “…Yes,” he muttered.

Could’ve been a lie. If I went with him, I was sacrificing a week of peace with my parents. Part of me was curious to see if Kylo could act like a normal person.

I narrowed my eyes. “And what if you go back on your promise?”

 “Your parents are a few miles away. I can’t exactly keep you from them.”

 “You can and you will.”

 “Rey…” He rolled his eyes and rose from the table, pissed off by me questioning him again. “Liev will come straight to your house when he realizes you and I have been separated.”

Whatever. I got up, too, and went out to his car to get my suitcase. Kylo was full of shit yet again, trying to trick me into staying alone with him in his creepy cabin in the middle of the woods. I wasn’t going to fall for it. I’d spend a week of peace with my parents and he could go get the shit beat out of him by his pals. Good luck.

Mom helped me unpack and Kylo lurked around the house until it was socially unacceptable. He gave me another long look before he left, heading out into the rainy Maine night. I couldn’t wait to go to the beach without worrying about his eerie eyes checking me out.

 “Is Armie home?” I asked as we went out to the living room for popcorn and a movie.

Dad touched my shoulder. “Your friend is really sick, Rey. It’s better that you wait before visiting him.”

But Armie was there for me when no one else wanted to be. I chewed the inside of my cheek while we watched _Logan Lucky_. Kylo could help me arrange a visit but he wouldn’t want to.

It almost felt normal sitting there with my parents. I rested my cheek on dad’s arm and mom rested hers on mine and we all stuffed handfuls of popcorn in our mouths. I’d been so close to them my entire life. They were always there for me, making sure I had everything I needed, encouraging me to do my best. They never got upset if I failed a test and never failed to brighten my day. I loved them so much. I wished I could admit what was happening to me.

They would get me the hell away from Kylo and everything would go back to normal. Or not. Now there was a band of psychopaths on the loose who knew my name and where I lived. But how much more torture could I bear? How long would it go on before I snapped?

That night I showered in my own bathroom and brushed my hair with my own hairbrush. I scrubbed my teeth and stared at my face in the mirror, realizing I had lost some weight like mom said.

And I slept like a rock. It was quiet and dark and Kylo wasn’t right behind me whispering in my ear. Smiling, I dozed off into a dream about the beach, no longer tormented by his presence. It was only a week, but it would be the best week in a long time.

Mom and dad came to kiss me goodbye before they went to work. I groggily waved and slipped back to sleep in the early morning light. The front door was locked, Kylo couldn’t get in, and I was safe.

Until I woke to the distinct fear that someone was watching me.

My eyes rolled open to find a tall man sitting across my room in a chair by the door. He had brown hair and brown eyes and didn’t look very threatening at all. His features were soft and rounded, and his small smile didn’t have the predatory, intimidating edge that Kylo’s did. I slowly sat up in bed and his gaze traveled down my body, assessing me. He was in jeans and a jacket and looked a bit older than Kylo.

My heart hammered. “Who… who are you?”

The man cocked his head and I saw the first traces of something evil in his smile. He was a pro. He could hide it better than Kylo or Seth. His eyes drank me in and his smile widened.

 “What do you think Ren will do if I rape you?” he mused, like he was asking about the weather.

  _A strong reaction just signals weakness._

I steeled myself, glaring evenly back. “You’re Liev. How did you get in here?”

Liev rose from his chair. He wasn’t as tall as Kylo but they had a similar body type. I bit back my terror as he causally approached with his hands in his pockets to regard me with quiet curiosity. Then he reached for my face and I forced myself not to jerk away as his long fingers curled around my jaw so he could study me at a better angle. He clicked his tongue, brushing my hair back.

 “Hm… pretty, but not my type.” His hand drew back and he smiled. “My wife is a blonde. Picked her up when she was sixteen—I’ve always been partial to young women.”

Before I could blink Liev ripped open the front of my pajama top, exposing my braless self. He tilted his head like he was inspecting a used car and I squeezed my eyes shut when one of his hands curved gently under a breast. He did the same to the other and shrugged, turning away from me to continue prowling around my bedroom. I hastily rebuttoned my shirt when his back was turned.

 “Adequate breasts, I suppose,” he drawled, wandering to my dresser. He opened the top drawer and took out a few pairs, examining them and putting them back. “Lie on your back, Miss Kenobi.”

I stiffened. “Why?”

 “There’s one last part of you I’d like to inspect.”

Trembling, I slowly slid down in bed and laid flat, tears in my eyes. Why couldn’t I just fucking die? Why was this happening to me? Kylo said Liev and Pierre were both the most dangerous, so I couldn’t refuse and try to run away. I didn’t have my phone to call Kylo for help and… and…

Liev sat beside my legs, unsmiling. He nudged my thighs apart and casually slipped his hand down the front of my pants to sink his middle finger inside me. I bit down on my lower lip and he moved it a bit, poking around, then pulled it out and sucked off my essence. Nothing on his face changed like it did with Kylo. He didn’t look the least bit excited. It was like going to the doctor.

 “Young and tight—the usual. I’ve been inside so many pussies that they all begin to blend together.” Liev nodded towards me but didn’t meet my eyes. “Give me your panties.”

 “W-Why?”

 “Viktor wants a pair, but prefers they smell like you.”

Oh… God. I started to shake my head, finally at my breaking point, when I heard a knock on my door.

Liev glance up and smiled. “Kylo, please join us.”

And he did. My psychiatrist stepped inside the room, dark eyes hard and tight, and his jaw clenched when he saw me trembling in bed beside Liev. He smiled back faintly at his fellow psychopath and hovered near the door, staring at me and rubbing his thumbs on his index fingers.

 “Thank you for your message,” Kylo said coolly. “I worry about Rey like you do about Penelope.”

 “Of course,” Liev said. “It’s only natural.”

I sat there silently, tears welling up in my eyes. Liev stood and gestured for me to do the same, so I rose to my shaky legs and wished Kylo would fucking kill him. He was by the door, silent and glowering.

 “Viktor is very excited to meet Rey, but he wanted a memento.” Liev snapped his fingers and pointed down. “Your panties, please, Miss Kenobi.”

Trembling, I hooked my thumbs over the hem of my pajamas pants and stepped out of them to get my red panties off. Liev kissed the top of my hand when I offered them to him and I watched him bunch them up to fit in his pocket. He smiled and his gaze drifted down my half-naked body.

Kylo cleared his throat. “Rey needs to rest.”

 “You left your little pet unattended.” Liev’s soft brown eyes stayed on mine as he invaded my space and drew his index finger up my slit, then deeper through my folds. “ _Someone_ has to satisfy her.”

I closed my eyes again, trying to float out of my body, and Liev suddenly stopped. Hesitant, I opened one eye to see Kylo had grabbed his forearm and the two were glaring at one another. Well, Kylo was. Liev had a hint of a smile on his face as he again sucked my essence off his finger.

Kylo tightened his grip. “…Rey is very tired and she does not appreciate you penetrating her like a pincushion. We’ll see you in Vermont.”

 “Pierre and I would like to visit later,” Liev said lazily. He pulled his arm free and drifted past Kylo, shrugging. “We were very disappointed not to meet Rey in tandem, but I suppose we can drop by this evening. Make sure she’s well rested, Ren. She’s going to need it.”

That set Kylo off. He grabbed Liev’s arm again as I hurriedly put on new panties and my pajama pants, wiping away tears. His jaw shifted back and forth and Liev’s smile widened.

 “She is _mine_ ,” Kylo said in a low, cold tone.

 “Oh, Kylo. Don’t you know how to share?”

Liev left without another word.


	42. Non Compos Mentis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is everything i wanted it to be
> 
> liev was the worst in his heyday but calmed down as he got older, kept his distance from penelope so she could raise their kids in relative peace; now he's kind of bored of it all but still the baddest bitch & he thinks his wife is the bee's knees
> 
> pierre just loves taunting and being a bully but he's actually obsessed with his kids and his wife and he's resisting chillin' out like liev so he overacts to compensate & he definitely let maeva paint his nails
> 
> erik/kylo thinks he's a badass but he's not and torturing hannah/rey is eventually going to tear both of them apart & he's feeling guilt and it's confusing the shit out of him
> 
> silas just wants to live his life doing whatever he wants & killing pedophiles & really wants wren to punch him in the face again
> 
> my psychopath babies, together at last, grandstanding with their gals and kids; evil to the bone with little points of light <3
> 
> &penelope is angel group mom &basically natalie is like the veteran chain smoking in the corner of the bar ranting about 'Nam &hannah/rey is like where am i
> 
>  
> 
> ~*~*~*~*~THIS GIVES AWAY MAJOR PLOT POINTS FOR EUNOIA~*~*~*~*~

My parents were disappointed that I changed my mind about staying in the house, but I promised to come over every day and visit. There was no way in hell I’d risk one of Kylo’s psychopath friends breaking into my bedroom again or put my parents’ lives in danger. I’d suffer alone and keep them safe.

Kylo was a little too smug while he sat on the bed and watched me unpack my clothes into his dresser. I clenched my jaw while I put it all away and ignored his dark eyes following me bustling through the room. Last time I was here was when this whole fucked up twist in my life had first started. I wished I could go back and change everything; the same way I felt every morning I woke up next to Kylo.

Instead of coming on to me, which he promised he wouldn’t do, he lurked behind me, following every step I took. I went downstairs to sit in the living room when I was done unpacking and he drifted along behind me, smiling when I glared back at him. Somehow, it was even worse than a straight-up attack.

 “Would you like breakfast?” he asked innocently.

 “No. I’m still nauseous after meeting your pal Liev.” I curled up in the corner of the couch and turned on the TV, rubbing my stomach.

Kylo stood behind me and brushed my hair back, threading his long fingers through it and tickling my scalp. I squirmed away from him and he leaned over to kiss the top of my head.

 “I’m sure it’s because your stomach is empty,” he called as he walked into the kitchen. “Though I will be having a discussion with Liev’s wife when they arrive later on.”

It was bizarre that these extremely violent, depraved monsters were married to real human women. From what I understood, Kylo was demure compared to the rest of them, which was why they treated him like the pariah of the group. I shuddered and settled into my spot on the couch while my stomach kept twisting and turning at the thought of eating.

Soon the scent of eggs and bacon drifted out to the living room. This time my stomach didn’t just quietly protest—I gagged at the smell and scrambled off the couch, rushing to the bathroom just in time to vomit. Fuck. All the stress was wrecking my body. I slouched next to the toilet as Kylo knocked on the door before peering inside the bathroom.

He frowned. “Still feeling ill, Rey?”

 “Yeah, I guess so.” I flushed the toilet and dragged myself up to the sink to rinse my mouth out.

Kylo opened the medicine cabinet and offered me a toothbrush and paste. He pressed the back of his hand to my forehead while I scrubbed out the taste of puke and stuck a thermometer in my mouth when I was done brushing. We stared blankly at one another, waiting for it to go off, and Kylo broke into a wide smile. I narrowed my eyes suspiciously, worming the probe around in my cheek.

 “I love you,” he murmured.

The thermometer went off—98.6 degrees. Normal. I chucked it in the sink and pushed past him.

 “No, you don’t.”

We had breakfast and I managed to keep it down. Kylo rubbed my feet on the couch while I dozed off, and I ended up sleeping most of the day. He cast me a lazy glance when I finally managed to break out of my extreme sleepiness and sat up next to him, yawning and rubbing my eyes.

 “I must be getting sick,” I mumbled, slouching on his shoulder.

 “I’m sure all the travel has been difficult, too.”

Probably. I shrugged weakly and began falling asleep again. Those were the only possible explanations: sickness or travel adjustment problems. Kylo had a vasectomy a long time ago so there was no way…

My spine prickled like ice was sliding down my back. I slowly opened my eyes and stared at the sitcom playing, trying to remember my last period. Kylo never used condoms and I wasn’t taking birth control, but vasectomies were permanent and one hundred percent effective, right? There was… there was no way I was…

The thought of it made me nauseous all over again. The psychopath beside me stirred and kissed my forehead and murmured “rest,” and his long fingers curled across my thigh. I drew away from him, brushing my hair back, pulse pounding in my ears. There was no fucking way.

Kylo cocked his head. “Sick again, my love?”

 “When did you have a vasectomy?” I asked, rising from the couch.

The question threw him off for a second, but he laughed and watched me pace.

 “You’re not pregnant,” he said. “Statistically, it’s almost impossible. Come rest before you make yourself sick again.”

Yeah, almost impossible—knowing my fucking luck, I was the outlier. I shook my head and walked out to the kitchen to get a glass of water and Kylo followed behind me, hands in his pockets. He watched me turn in nervous circles and take small sips while I tried to convince myself that the worst possible scenario was not unfolding before me. I wasn’t going to be like Natalie or Penelope. Fuck that. I wasn’t going to marry this sick fuck and raise kids with him like everything was hunky-dory.

I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head. “No. This is not happening.”

Kylo’s dark eyes continued tracing my steps and his jaw shifted. He was considering it, too. It was _almost_ impossible. Almost.

 “I’ll be right back,” he said. “Stay here, and don’t let anyone inside.”

Then he up and left me as I gradually descended into a panic. Oh my god. Holy shit.

Time went through a vacuum. I was expecting to fly into an episode but I didn’t, maybe because Kylo wasn’t constantly poisoning me with drugs anymore. The anxiety was so bad that I went back to the bathroom and vomited again and I just sat in there and waited for him to come back. He went to get pregnancy tests. I’d know in fifteen minutes if my life was truly over.

No, not over. I could have an abortion. It wasn’t like Kylo could raise kids. But he made little comments here and there suggesting he wanted them and more than once whispered in my ear about getting me pregnant. It was just to scare me, though. Kids were too much of a commitment for him.

The doorbell rang and I wandered to answer it like a zombie, too stunned to remember Kylo’s warning not to answer the door. I hadn’t even brushed my teeth after vomiting when I pulled the door open to find a small group of people standing on the porch.

Liev was the first one I noticed. His brown eyes sharpened when he saw me and I imagined it was like a hawk zeroing in on a rabbit with a limp. I didn’t see much else, because a girl swept inside and took my hands in her cool fingers to lead me back to the bathroom. They talked, voices mingling together, and it was lost when the bathroom door shut behind us.

 “Rey? Rey, are you okay?”

My mind cleared a bit. The woman was tall and waifish, with long blonde hair in a braid and pretty green eyes, and she was wearing jeans and a pink blouse. She smiled when I looked at her and sat me down on the toilet. She looked about Kylo’s age and I remembered her name. This was Penelope. She was married to Liev—and she was the only one who looked happy in the pictures Kylo had.

She opened the medicine cabinet and rummaged around. “We’ll stay in here for a few minutes so you can get your bearings. Did Kylo give you medication or something?”

I shook my head, staring off into space. Penelope offered me mouthwash in a cup so I could get the taste of puke out and she crouched down in front of me, taking my hands in hers and smiling.

 “You’re so brave, Rey,” she said, gently squeezing my fingers. “I know how hard this is.”

Someone knocked on the door as I broke down in tears. Penelope went to check and allowed the other woman inside, who was noticeably pregnant and had a much different expression on her face. She was tired, dressed in loose maternity clothes with one hand resting on her belly. Her brown hair was pulled back in a ponytail and her blue eyes tracked over me. We looked a lot alike. It was Natalie, Pierre’s wife, the one who looked dead inside next to the cradle.

 “Kind of strange watching this go down from the outside,” Natalie said, eyeing me.

 “Is Kylo even home?” Penelope asked. “Silas will be here soon with Eric and Maeva so it’s best if he’s here, too.” She offhandedly rubbed my back but neither of them reacted much to me crying my eyes out. “Do you know where he went, Rey?”

I covered my face and slouched over. “I’m pregnant—my fucking life is over!”

The next intruder didn’t knock on the door, he just let himself in. He was tall, like all of them, with black hair like Kylo’s and eerie blue eyes that shifted straight to Natalie. She bristled and pushed on his chest, demanding he get out, but he grabbed her wrists and peered over her head at me. His features were all sharp and intimidating; he screamed ‘danger.’ Pierre.

 “Leaving her unattended,” he sighed in a distinct French accent. He started to push Natalie out of his way. “I suppose Liev’s visit this morning wasn’t a thorough enough education.”

Natalie held fast and shoved back. She was half his size. “ _Get out._ ”

 “I just want to inspect her, mon chou. You know how insatiably curious I am.”

There was noise from outside the bathroom and Pierre leaned out of the bathroom to look, then released his wife to go investigate. Natalie followed suit and Penelope pulled me to my feet, wiping my eyes while I tried to get a hold of myself. I was failing miserably.

 “Deep breaths,” Penelope said, gently cupping my cheeks in her thin fingers. “It’s okay, Rey. Natalie and I are here to help you.”

 “I want my parents… I want to go home.”

 “I know, honey. I know.”

The pitched sound of kids talking drifted into the bathroom and Penelope took my hand in her feather-light touch to lead me out of the bathroom. I hurriedly wiped my face and clenched my jaw to hold back anymore tears. It was all happening so fast. Who were these fucking people?

Natalie was sitting on the couch with a small boy, maybe two years old, curled up in her arms. He had brown hair like her but I couldn’t see his eyes because he was fast asleep. Pierre had an older girl with black hair and his electric blue eyes on his hip, but she hid her face in his neck when she saw me. She looked like she was five, maybe. Maeva? That was his daughter… who he offered to Kylo.

Pierre was talking to Liev, who was standing beside Silas Cooper, the guy I had just met a few days ago. His black hair was pulled back in a bun and he was laughing at something Pierre was saying. The hair stood up on the back of my neck. This was so wrong.

I felt like I’d faint—and then Kylo walked in the door.

It was like the room plummeted ten degrees. He didn’t have anything, probably because he noticed the cars outside and figured it was a bad time to let it slip that I might be pregnant. His dark eyes roamed across the room to me and he smiled when he saw Penelope, who waved and smiled back.

 “Hey, Kylo!” she chirped like the entire situation was normal. “Rey’s not feeling well. Want me to bring her upstairs?”

Silas snapped his fingers a few times, impatient. “Can we get this going? I met this really hot mean chick in Oregon and she’s only there for two weeks, so I need to…” He rolled his hand in circles. “Y’know, get the ball rolling.”

There were dynamics at play that I couldn’t begin to understand. I just wanted to cry. My lower lip trembled when Pierre set Maeva on the floor and she scurried over to hide in her mother’s ribs. Natalie wasn’t paying us any attention. She stroked her daughter’s black hair.

Liev cocked his head. “I see you decided to leave Rey alone again, Kylo.”

 “Can’t bring her in the car when she’s vomiting,” Penelope interjected sharply. She tugged me towards the stairs, unflinching under Liev’s gaze. “And, ah… _You_ left me alone multiple times.”

Natalie raised her hand and waved it around. “Same here, _Pierre._ Go get your daughter a snack.”

Both men were immediately distracted by their wives and Silas was groaning and staring at the ceiling like he’d rather be anywhere else. Penelope more or less passed me off like a baton to Kylo and he hustled me upstairs while she rolled her eyes at Liev and blocked his path. I trembled miserably as he led me down the hallway to his bedroom and shut the door behind him.

 “We’re lucky they brought their wives,” Kylo said, turning the lock. “Penelope has twenty years of controlling Liev under her belt.”

He produced a box of pregnancy tests from his coat and hesitated before offering it to me. I stared at it, cheeks cracked with dried tears, and was reduced to sobs yet again. His throat bobbed like he could actually feel human emotions and he tried to hug me, but I angrily shoved him away.

 “Get me out of this fucking place!” I hissed. I stumbled back, crying, slowly becoming hysterical. “This is so fucked up—I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING BE HERE!”

 “Rey, my love, please—”

I crouched and screamed, cutting off his bullshit about loving me, and covered the back of my head with my hands. Typically, Kylo would inject a benzo into me at that point to get me to shut up and calm down, but as he promised, he didn’t do it. He hovered a foot away with his hands outstretched to comfort me, but I wanted to throw him off his fucking balcony.

I’d never been so hysterical before. I crawled towards the glass doors, intending on throwing _myself_ off the balcony since I couldn’t kill Kylo, and he dragged me away when I reached for the handles. I flew into a frenzy, shrieking like a banshee and fighting with all my might to get away from him. He pinned me to the floor on my stomach with my wrists next to my head, kneeling between my legs.

The bedroom door opened and I saw what I dreaded. They’d all gravitated towards my screams like sharks smelling blood. Pierre’s blue eyes were bright and hungry and he hovered near the door beside Liev, who just watched me with a mixture of pity and amusement. Silas and the kids were nowhere to be seen, but Penelope shoved her husband and Pierre aside and descended upon Kylo.

 “Get off her!” she snapped, shoving his shoulder. “Fucking moron!”

Pierre picked up the pregnancy tests and dangled the box in his fingertips, smiling like the beast he was. “Little Rey is pregnant? How lovely.” His smirk widened. “Congratulations.”

Kylo let me go and I scrambled away from him, pushing my hair out of my face. Penelope snatched the pregnancy tests from Pierre and he exchanged a cruel smile with Liev.

 “All of you, get out!” Penelope commanded. She was skinny as a rail but had no problem ordering violent psychopaths around.

Pierre puckered his lips and furrowed his brow. “Perhaps the weak link little Rey is incubating would benefit from the presence of viable sperm that hasn’t managed to drip through Ren’s mutilated gonads. I would be very happy to offer my services. Or…” He shrugged, laser-focused on Kylo’s face. “We can scrape the gremlin out of her and carry on more useful bloodlines. Liev?”

None of Pierre’s taunting did much to Liev. He was older than the others and not quite as much of a hellbent sadist as Pierre. His brown eyes regarded me, indifferent as they had been when he casually told me my vagina and breasts were ‘adequate.’ His gaze lazily shifted to Penelope while Pierre eyed him, clearly expecting he’d join in on threatening to rape and impregnate me.

Liev turned away. “Her life with this fool is torture enough.”

Kylo glared after Liev’s retreating form and then looked to Pierre. I didn’t know how Natalie had fallen into the trap with him. He just _looked_ like a monster. Not ugly or anything; far from it. But there was something cold and hungry in his eyes, like a yawning chasm of screaming, writhing evil.

Pierre’s gaze flickered to me and his smile took a haughty edge. “I suppose Viktor can do the job well enough. Perhaps he can wait until her stomach swells and the little beast is turning about. You can tell all of us how it feels to watch another man cum inches from your sleeping child.” He raised his eyebrows, feigning innocence. “You know—for the therapeutic benefit.”

I couldn’t help it. I cried again. Pierre grinned until Penelope took a sharp step to stand inches from his face, glaring up into his eyes. His smile faded and he clenched his jaw.

 “Go back to hell where you belong,” she said in a low tone. “I don’t have to tell you what Liev will do if you ignore me.”

He scowled. “Oh, please regale me with—”

 “Hey, asshole!”

Natalie popped up beside Pierre with Maeva in tow. She had her thumb stuck in her mouth and shrank against her mother’s thigh like she was trying to hide. He growled and scooped her up, casting one last venomous look at Penelope before leaving us with his daughter on his hip, cooing to her.

Kylo stared at me with a strange vacant look on his face. I buried my face in my knees, crouched near the balcony, and squeezed my throbbing eyes shut.

Penelope spoke in a softer tone, like what she used with me. “I know you and Silas aren’t like the rest of them, even if you want to be. I’m not sure how you’re going to live with yourself if you keep pretending you are. Liev drove Terra to commit suicide—will you be able to sleep at night if you do the same to Rey?”

It was quiet for a few moments, then the bedroom door closed. I felt a hand on each shoulder and raised my head to find Kylo had left and both women were sitting beside me. Natalie smiled and took my hand in hers while Penelope offered me the pregnancy tests.

 “We’re going to help you, Rey,” she said. “But first, you need to know if you’re actually pregnant. Breathe, sweet pea. The world hasn’t ended yet.”

I nodded, trying to be brave, but my eye welled up with tears for the millionth time. Natalie and Penelope both hugged me and for the first time in ages, I saw a light at the end of the tunnel.


	43. Eye of the Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Pregnant.

A small piece of Kylo was rooting inside me, burying deeper by the minute. Penelope and Natalie sat with me in the bathroom while I cried over three positive pregnancy tests in the bathtub. I hid my face in my hands while Penelope drew her long fingers through my hair and wiped away some of my tears. Natalie rubbed her own burgeoning belly and stared into the distance.

 “Shh,” Penelope murmured, “shh. You’ll be okay, sweetheart.”

I didn’t want kids—not yet, at least. I wanted to finish school and find someone I loved and marry before getting pregnant. But now I was forced into it, pregnant by rape, and trapped in a house of torture.

 “Get it out of me!” I hissed.

 “Oh, they won’t allow that.” Natalie looked bitter. “Pierre babied me when he found out I was pregnant with Maeva, until he went to prison. Same with Penny and Liev.”

Penelope brushed my hair back. “Yes, they tend to become very possessive. Nikolai was the same way with Adel, which was difficult for Liev and his sister Viktoriya. But Liev kept his distance while I raised our kids. He’d visit occasionally, bringing money and such, and our daughter Marie was crazy about him. It was a quiet life… Nothing like Natalie’s with Pierre, or Adel’s with Nikolai.”

The thought of Kylo babying me any more than he already did was sickening. Soon he’d be spoon feeding me thickened liquids and chaining me to the floor to ensure complete control. Possessive. Could he be any more possessive than he already was?

 “Kylo isn’t like them,” Natalie said, touching my shoulder. “It won’t be as hard for you.” She exchanged a glance with Penelope but smiled at me. “You don’t have to worry about much.”

Penelope nodded in agreement. “Exactly. Kylo’s always been low-key. He won’t hurt you, Rey. He’s not an unabashed sadist like Pierre and Liev. Just keep quiet and do what he wants and you’ll be fine. Some of them like a challenge but Kylo wants you to obey him. He’ll let you finish school and have a job as long as you don’t fight back.”

 “I want to fight back!” I snarled. “I don’t belong to him!”

Both women smiled sadly. My heart skipped a beat.

 “Yes, you do.” Natalie touched her stomach and looked away. “You can run and hide—you can call the police and scream until you can’t breathe. There’s no escape.”

No. Fuck no. I clambered out of the empty bathtub, brushing past Penelope when she tried to stop me. Natalie watched me leave the bedroom and stumble down the hallway a few feet before her blonde friend grabbed my wrist to bring me to a halt.

 “Rey,” Penny said sternly, “stop. You’re going to cause yourself more pain. You need to learn how to manipulate him from the inside if you want to survive.”

 “I want to go home!” I cried. “I want this fucking thing out of me!”

The stairs creaked, and Kylo was at the top with his hands in his pockets. He clenched his jaw when he saw me and nodded to Penelope, who drew her soft hands away from mine. Natalie also left, blue eyes vacant, and I was standing in the upstairs hallway alone with the psychopath father of the baby inside my uterus. I glared at him, trembling with rage.

Kylo looked at the floor. “So… You’re pregnant.”

 “Unfortunately,” I snapped.

He shrugged. “You can have an abortion. I won’t force you to carry our child.”

What? I stared into his dark eyes, slackening my tight muscles. He… He would let me get rid of it? That didn’t seem like Kylo, both from what I experienced and what Natalie and Penelope said.

 “You… won’t?” I echoed.

 “No.” His Adam’s apple bobbed. “I won’t.”

I stepped closer to this anomaly of a man, frowning.  “Why?”

Kylo clenched his jaw and shrugged, gazing off into the distance, trying to blow me off. “I don’t need to use you as a broodmare. If you will be staying with me for the foreseeable future, I’d prefer our offspring be produced on your own terms—especially considering my procedure should have prevented this from happening.”

What the fuck? I wasn’t expecting him to be so reasonable about it. I narrowed my eyes and drew back towards the bedroom, but Kylo didn’t follow. He looked annoyed.

I scowled. “What if I want to go home?”

 “I can’t allow that, Rey.” He wriggled his mouth nervously. “I love you too much.”

 “We’ll see what my parents think when I mysteriously visit with a pregnant stomach after having only been around _you_ for months on end!”

Voices mingled downstairs. Kylo took another step closer, hesitant.

 “I realize what the fall out will be,” he said. “I’ve ‘ruined’ your life, so I suppose this is karma allowing you to do the same to me. My license to practice will be stripped, perhaps permanently, and I will lose the status I have in the mental health community. Your parents will sue me for custody, which they will win, and we will never see each other again. You’ll raise the child alone, perhaps, or Arnold will step in to help you. Sooner or later you’ll be able to return to college.”

He shrugged. “Or I can keep you hidden until the baby is born—here, of course—and claim she’s from a relationship and her mother left her to me. Your name can be kept off the birth certificate and only my paternity will matter. This situation can go many ways, Rey.”

I bristled at his threats. “Fine, then get this disgusting thing out of me.”

The stairs creaked and Pierre appeared around the corner, once again drawn to conflict like a shark to blood. He stepped up beside Kylo and tilted his head, eyeing me. I glowered back at him when he smiled and leaned over to whisper in Kylo’s ear.

 “Raping them is much more enjoyable when they’re pregnant.” Pierre’s gaze flickered down to my stomach. “Nine months of complete control, inside and out… Forcing them to think of us each day they wake up and feel the fetus roll around inside them. I was imprisoned during Natalie’s first pregnancy, but during the second she was on bedrest and too weak to move—I spent most of my time coddling her.” He shifted closer to Kylo, murmuring. “Isn’t that what you like, Ren? Pampering your little pet?”

My stomach turned at Kylo’s blank stare. Pierre really was a monster. He smirked at me and nudged Kylo with his elbow, nodding towards the stairs, saying something about a ‘long talk.’ I couldn’t believe it. Was he really trying to change Kylo’s mind? Was Pierre going to be the reason I had to have this unwanted kid?

I didn’t follow them. It was a losing battle. Instead I rushed into the bedroom to get Kylo’s case of medications from under the bed. It was locked with a combination code and I hissed furiously, abandoning it to check the medicine cabinet in the bathroom for something that could kill the parasite inside me. I frantically pawed through different bottles, flinging them to the floor with a loud clatter, and settled for a bottle of Tylenol. It would kill me, too.

Shaking, I opened the bottle and dumped a bunch of the white pills into my palm to swallow them dry. I didn’t care. I’d rather fucking die than spend another minute—

 “What the hell are you doing?!”

Silas covered my mouth first to keep me from killing myself, then twisted my wrist to force me to drop the pillows. I screamed into his palm and bit down and he hissed and let go so I fell into the mess of pills and bottles. Hysterical, I groped blindly for some Tylenol to shove in my mouth and Silas shoved his knee into my back to keep me pinned while using his hands to pry open my mouth and sweep out the pills.

 “Jesus Christ, kid!” He dragged me out of the bathroom and dropped me on the floor. “Overdosing on Tylenol is just going to fuck up your liver and get your stomach pumped!”

 “I don’t CARE!” I screamed, thrashing like a toddler.

 “You’ll care when you’re in a fucking coma and—”

A low whistle interrupted him. “This must be Rey.”

We both looked towards the door to find a newcomer standing there in jeans and a black polo. He was a dead ringer for Liev but had green eyes like Silas and wasn’t as tall as the others. My chest tightened. His expression was blank and eerie. He didn’t smile.

Silas stepped right in his face, hands clenched at his sides like he was restraining himself. “I told you I’d knock your teeth in if you ever showed your face again, Viktor.” He grabbed Viktor by the collar and slammed him into the wall beside the door. “You think it’s fucking fun raping kids? How about I rape _you_ up the ass, smarmy little prick?”

 “I’m here for the girl,” Viktor said tonelessly.

 “Why? Preying on kids before they’re even born now?”

Silas was a big guy and dwarfed Viktor. He was riddled with scars and had a big one up his left forearm and he was the last person I’d want to mess with. Kylo mentioned a few times that Silas hated pedophiles and warned Liev to keep Viktor away. Plus, there were kids in the house.

 “My father wanted me to test Kylo.” Viktor’s face was blank as he reached in his pocket to take out the pair of panties Liev took earlier in the morning. “She smells good.”

I stared at my underwear in revulsion. It was covered in obvious white stains and had been torn in a few spots and I gagged into my palm. Oh, gross. What the hell.

Silas swung Viktor onto the floor, looming over him, still holding his by his collar. Viktor stared back impassively and let my panties drop from his fingers.

 “You even brought something for me to fuck you in,” Silas spat. “The bitch dresses accordingly.”

 “That’s enough, Silas.”

Liev was there, quiet and still. Silas released Viktor and turned on his father instead, stepping close to Liev like he had with Viktor. They glared at each other.

Silas pointed to Viktor. “I told you to keep this piece of shit out of my sight. All of you do this shit to women—” He gestured vaguely in my direction “—and I turn a blind eye. My only fucking request is to keep your pedophile son on a leash and you parade him around in front of me. Now I’m going to kill him and cut his cock off, just like I promised the last time we crossed paths.”

 “Viktor is here for Rey,” Liev said, unmoved by Silas’s anger. “You may leave if you wish.”

Maybe Silas was the only one with a hint of a soul. He didn’t back down from Liev and I stared in terror as Viktor slowly sat up on the floor, turning his head to look at me. His green eyes were lifeless and cold like a doll’s. He rose to his feet and hung there limply like a marionette on strings.

Silas clenched his jaw. “I’m sick of dealing with all of you. You’re fucking animals.” He pointed at me. “If your child-molesting son touches her, I’ll let it slip to her parents. How’s that sound, Liev?”

Liev stiffened and his cheeks flexed. “Watch your mouth.”

 “I’m not afraid of you.” Silas seized the front of Liev’s shirt, twisting it around his knuckles. “I’m not some teenage girl who’s half your size and has nowhere to run.”

 “Don’t throw around empty threats, Silas. Or have you forgotten what _we_ know about you?”

Silas looked like he wanted to say something else, but instead let go of Liev and stalked out of the room, calling for Penelope. I wavered to my feet to return Viktor’s stare as Liev turned back to regard me. He glanced at his son and slipped his hands in his pockets.

 “Pierre is having a discussion with Kylo,” Liev said. “Why don’t we join them, Viktor?”

Penelope came barreling into the bedroom, blonde hair a mess, and she seized his collar. “Get the _hell_ out of here. Silas made it very clear—”

 “Viktor can go where he pleases,” Liev interrupted breezily. “Watch the girl, Penelope. We need to have a conversation with Ren.”

She glared up at her husband. “Kylo told Rey that she can have an abortion. I’ll be bringing her to the clinic before the three of you convince him otherwise.”

Liev smiled. “You’ll stay right here until he’s made his final decision.” Then his smile turned into a sarcastic frown. “You don’t regret any of our children, do you?”

 “Every single one.” She met his gaze, level and unafraid. “But I love them all the same. So, Liev… We’ll be leaving now.”

 “No, you—”

The door banged open and Silas popped up with Natalie in tow, who was holding Eric and had Maeva clinging to her thigh. She cast a caustic look towards Viktor and wrapped an arm around her daughter’s shoulders. Maeva stuck her thumb in her mouth and Viktor blinked, smiling down at her.

 “We’re going,” Silas said, scooping up Maeva when he noticed Viktor staring. He curled his lip and balanced her on his hip. “Then I’m going to fuck back to Oregon before my little bird flies away.”

They all started arguing, save for Viktor and me, as we stared at each other across the room. I considered going back for the Tylenol until Pierre entered with Kylo behind him and the tension hit a fever pitch. Kylo blinked at me a few times and I tried to convey all the fear and anxiety through my eyes. I didn’t want a baby. Not now, and not ever with him.

He furtively watched the others bickering before walking up to me, smiling tightly. “You don’t need to leave, Rey. I can bring you the pill.” His dark eyes shifted to Viktor, who finally smiled. “I won’t let you out of my sight.”

I stepped closer to him and hooked my fingers on his belt. My eyes welled up with tears.

 “…Really?” I whispered. “I don’t have to?”

 “Of course not.” Kylo’s throat bobbed and he slipped his fingers under my shirt to brush my stomach. “Admittedly, I would enjoy it, but… Penelope is right. I’m not like them.” He kissed the side of my head to bring his lips close to my ear. “Play along for now. For safety.”

Thank god. I nodded quickly and leaned into his chest, closing my eyes. For safety. Yes.


	44. Icarus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
> 
> this is sort of a soap opera

The argument simmered down after a while and we all went back downstairs. I stayed close beside Kylo while Viktor openly stared at me and Pierre whispered in Liev’s ear. Silas had to leave after a little bit so he could catch a flight back to Oregon and it felt like one of the only three voices of reason left the house. I stared at Natalie and Penelope cooing over the prior’s swollen stomach while baby Eric slept in his father’s arms. Maeva clung to Pierre’s leg with her thumb in her mouth, staring at me.

I peered up at Kylo. “So when can you go get the pill?”

 “Soon. You have until twelve weeks to take it without needing to see an OBGYN.” His dark eyes flickered to mine and he shrugged. “It would be wise to have an appointment, anyway, to see how far along you are and have a blood test to confirm you’re really pregnant. False positives happen.”

 “…I guess. I just don’t want to look at it.”

Natalie took Eric and Maeva to set them down for their naps. Pierre, Liev, and Kylo sat at the kitchen table to talk while I hovered around Penelope and chewed the inside of my cheek. She was making dinner. Apparently one of her many hobbies was cooking, which she had plenty of time for now that all her kids were out of the house.

I folded my arms, glancing furtively at the three psychopaths at the table. “Do you know why they all decided to get together?”

Penelope shrugged and put on some water to boil. “It’s hard to tell with Liev and Pierre. They like to have pawns, and Chris and Seth will be useful to them. Kylo’s always been under their thumbs. Last time Liev acted this way he was in some full-blown psychotic episode about a future dystopia and he ended up in prison—so it could be bad, or it could be nothing.”

 “…Oh. That’s terrifying.” I rubbed my upper arms and shivered. “Um… this is an awkward question, but—”

 “No, I won’t let Viktor touch you.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. Thank god. Penelope smiled and gave me a quick hug before she went back to making dinner. At least she wasn’t totally nuts, and she was with one of the worst ones in the group. I peered over my shoulder at Liev and his disarmingly friendly face and understood how she could’ve been drawn in. But Pierre? He just _looked_ like a demon.

 “How did you meet Liev?” I asked.

Penelope was stripping fat from chicken cutlets. She laughed. “Not how you’d think. My mom, Gwen, was a psychiatrist in the hospital he was sent to. I wanted to be a psychiatrist, too, so she let me visit him occasionally, figuring it’d be safe. Not so much. He ended up kidnapping me and dragging me across the country during his psychotic fit. Killed his sister, killed my little brother, killed his father, killed his mother, kidnapped his sister’s kid, kidnapped a Senator’s kid, and got me pregnant.”

Jesus _Christ_. I gawked, open-mouthed, and she laughed again like it was a funny old memory. She paused and looked at Liev and he seemed to sense it and met her gaze. He smiled.

She cleared her throat and went back to prepping the chicken. “So, I ended up raising Jasmine, Nick, and Marie alone for a long time. Viktor came right after Marie and Liev kept his distance. He’d visit sometimes; brought money so we could all live comfortably. He’s evened out as he gets older.”

Holy shit—and I thought Kylo was bad. I risked another furtive glance at Liev and found he was already staring at me, still smiling. He winked before turning his attention back to Pierre and Kylo.

Sure, Kylo drugged me and manipulated me, but… Liev was a straight-up _murderer_. He killed his entire family and picked up random kids like a cuckoo bird stealing nests. He even killed Penelope’s brother and she was so blasé about it. I watched her cutting up the chicken and thought of the picture Kylo had of her smiling by the stove. Was she seriously happy in her predicament?

I leaned on the counter. “What about Pierre and Natalie?”

Penelope curled a strand of blonde hair behind her ear. “They met when Natalie was… nineteen? He was a college professor at the time. Astronomy. She just ignored the red flags.” She leaned closer and lowered her voice. “Pierre has, um… mommy issues. Like, Oedipus complex mommy issues.”

Eww. I made a face but didn’t risk a glance at him. I had no interest in meeting his cold blue eyes. Kylo was sounding better and better by the minute.

Dinner was ready about forty-five minutes later and we set out plates after Penelope loudly declared she wasn’t cooking and serving. Kylo drifted towards me and we sat together at the island to eat our scrumptious chicken alfredo with broccoli. His fingers twitched like he wanted to feed me but he let me eat on my own, thankfully. It was creepy when he did that.

 “When are they leaving?” I muttered.

 “Soon, my love.” Kylo’s jaw shifted irately and he set down his cutlery to grab mine, too controlling to let me eat in peace. “They’ll be back in a few more weeks when Chris and Seth are free. I’m not sure if someone is collecting Genevieve and Charlotte, but I doubt it. Silas will come back, too, with whatever beach trash he’s chasing in Oregon.”

 “We should hide out in Europe. I mean, they can only look so far.”

Kylo offered me a chunk of chicken. “Maybe. I’m not particularly worried about Morrow or Reinhart.” He smiled when I ate and prepped another piece. “It would be interesting to see all of them together.”

I scowled. Yeah, right. Interesting like a heart attack.

 “Maybe you have _bigger_ concerns?” I asked, pointing at my stomach.

He twisted some pasta around the fork and raised his eyebrows. “Not if you’re having an abortion.”

 “Well what if Viktor and Liev decide they’re going to borrow me for a bit, hm? You’re okay with that?”

 “Penelope won’t let them,” Kylo said tersely.

Sure she wouldn’t. Kylo seemed to overestimate the amount of control she had over her brute of a husband. I obediently ate what Kylo offered me and eyed the two of them sitting together at the table. He twirled a lock of her blonde hair around his fingertip and watched her eat while she waved her fork at Viktor, who had just decided to wander into the kitchen. I suspected Liev only listened because he had some kind of genuine feelings for her, not because he was afraid. She looked like she could blow away in a breeze. He was obsessed with her like Pierre was obsessed with Natalie, and Chris was obsessed with Charlotte, and Seth was obsessed with Genevieve. It was super deranged.

Kylo kissed my temple and I shuddered. This wasn’t a club I wanted to be a member of. I wanted him to fixate on someone else and leave me the fuck alone.

We all finished eating. Viktor kept staring at me as I helped Penelope load the dishwasher and she charged over to him to slap him a few times with a kitchen towel to make him leave. Liev hovered by the doorframe leading into the living room and cast his son as sideways glance on his way past. His brown eyes roamed to me and he smiled before turning to follow Viktor.

Natalie came downstairs a few minutes later and engulfed enough food for three people. She had a hard time getting Eric to sleep and slumped over on the island after, groaning about the baby inside her kicking her bladder. It was weird knowing she was my age and on her third kid.

 “What’s his name going to be?” Penelope asked, leaning on the counter with a cup of coffee.

 “Augustin.” Natalie peered up at us and rolled her eyes. “Don’t ask why. I hate it, too.”

I shrugged. “It’s nice, I think. Did you name Eric after… uh… Kylo?”

 “Yup. Cute, right? That was a ‘gift,’ I guess. Kylo cleaned up after Pierre had a meltdown and dragged me to France.”

It seemed rude to pry, but I wanted to know more about what the fuck possessed Natalie to ever be in that position with him. I sat next to her and noticed Pierre eyeing us from the other room. She looked completely exhausted and flinched when the baby rolled again.

 “I don’t understand,” I said in as polite of a tone as I could muster. “Why don’t you like… call the police? How did you ever get to the point where he could drag you off to a foreign country?”

Natalie yawned, closing her eyes. “I was young and dumb, and I thought I could fix him. He’s like half-fixed at this point—he doesn’t call me mommy anymore and he stopped going out and killing random people. He’s totally obsessed with Maeva, too—watch this.”

She raised her head and sighed heavily, turning to face Pierre in the other room. “Pierre, I think Maeva felt a little warm when I—”

He was off the chair and ascending the stairs before she could finish the sentence. Natalie put her hands up in a ‘I-don’t-get-it-either’ gesture and went back to slouching over the island. Penelope exchanged a glance with me and smiled a little bit.

 “Granted, they’re only that way with their own kids,” Natalie mumbled. “Except Silas. I think he’d adopt every kid on the planet if he could.”

 “Seth _hates_ kids,” Penelope chimed in. “Chris is lukewarm about them. We all thought Kylo hated them, too, but here we are.” She checked the living room and leaned closer. “So? What’re you two doing?”

It wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have. I mean, I was going back to college to become a veterinarian, and I knew I’d get away from Kylo sooner or later. I wouldn’t go all Stockholm syndrome like the two women waiting for my answer. Penelope was a freaking sixteen-year-old kid when Liev kidnapped her and Natalie was only nineteen and clearly had some other issues beneath the surface.

 “We’ll see,” I said. “I have to go see the doctor first.”

Penelope nodded. “Right, right. Well, Kylo’s usually reasonable, so he’ll probably let you do whatever you want.”

I laughed uncomfortably, looking between the two women. “It’s not like he can force me to stay pregnant. There’s a lot of ways to cause a spontaneous abortion.”

 “None of them are the least bit pleasant.” Penelope sipped her coffee. “Trust me.”

My spine prickled. Why was I in the house of horrors?

Somehow, it got worse. They all decided to have a pow-wow in the living room and I wound up sitting in Kylo’s lap checking out my nails to keep from panicking. Pierre had Maeva passed out on his chest and Natalie was leaning on him under his arm with Eric breastfeeding. That didn’t bother me—god knew I saw it practically every day in my field—but Pierre kept staring at them and _that_ creeped me out.

Penelope was sitting between Liev and Viktor on her phone and Liev had an arm around her, idly running his fingers through her hair. It was eerie.

 “Morrow moves in two weeks,” Liev said after a long silence. “Reinhart moves in three. In a month we’ll meet in Bennington. Silas and I will get both out in the same night. We’ll procure Genevieve and Charlotte in a week—Pierre can assist me with that. Ren, we’re going to need a few doses of Valium and Klonopin to keep them quiet.” His brown eyes zeroed in on Kylo. “Now.”

Kylo had been touching my hair, too, and he paused. “…You want to carry around unmarked vials of controlled substances for a week?”

 “Yes, I do.”

I shifted off his lap so he could get up and go get the case from upstairs. It left me alone under Pierre, Liev, and Viktor’s pointed stares. I looked around the room and jerked to my feet.

 “Better go help,” I muttered.

Liev cocked his head and smiled. “Sit, Miss Kenobi. I insist.”

 “But—”

 “Sit.” His smiled tightened. “I insist.”

Penelope frowned at him. “What’s your problem? She’s just going to check on Kylo. Jesus.”

I took a seat again, stiff and anxious. Viktor’s grim mouth stretched into a smile and ice chilled down my spine. Penelope sat up a little straighter.

Liev rested his temple on his fist and studied me. “Do you know how we came to meet Kylo, Rey?”

Pierre kissed Natalie’s temple and murmured something to her. She raised her head, blinking sleepily, and gathered Maeva and Eric to bring them upstairs. Weird tension buzzed in the air and Penelope was more attuned to it than I was. Her blue eyes followed Pierre as he rose to his feet and casually followed his wife upstairs, exchanging a cruel smile with Liev.

I wrung my hands. “Uh… he said he was in college.”

 “Yes, he was.” Liev shrugged. “He was useful, to a degree, with the medications he could provide and therapy for Natalie and Penelope and the children. We spoke to him at length, of course, but there was very little we received in return. Soon we began to realize we were being used.”

There was a loud sound on the stairs and I turned quickly to find Pierre dropping Kylo to the floor, stepping on his back. He yanked off the cap of a needle with his teeth and spat it out, grinning at me as he leaned over to stick it in Kylo’s upper arm. My ears rang. I rose from the couch and stared in horror while Kylo struggled to get up and only managed to groan under his breath.

Penelope jerked to her feet, bristling. “Stop, Liev! Right now!”

 “Pierre, a dose for my wife, please,” Liev said offhandedly.

She knew where the attack would come from and spun around to slap Viktor across the face before he could grab her. I stood there in frozen fear as Viktor wrestled his own screaming mother to the floor while her husband took a syringe and jabbed it into her arm. Pierre’s evil eyes turned on me and I found the will to move again, backpedaling towards the door.

 “Going so soon?” he cooed.

Kylo panted on the floor. “Rey… run…”

I didn’t need him to tell me twice. Terrified, spun on my heel and flew out the front door into the Maine wilderness, less frightened of dying from exposure than letting one of them catch me.

But the weeks of drug-induced stupor and torture had left me weak. I made it to the cars before Pierre caught me and he threw me against a nearby black SUV, taking my breath and making me choke. He caged me there while I struggled to scream and land a punch and screamed back at me until I burst into tears. His grip was like being handcuffed and he easily dragged me back into the house.

It was madness. Liev was standing over Kylo, who had rolled over on his back, and Viktor was settling his limp mother on the couch. Natalie descended on Pierre when he dropped me on the floor and he grabbed her jaw, smiling, and pushed her up the stairs. I could hear Eric crying upstairs but Maeva was clinging to the couch, staring up at Viktor. He cocked his head and smiled at her.

I wheezed and scrambled the few feet to grab her around the waist and lock her in my lap. Viktor paused, scowling, and Maeva trembled and shifted in my arms to bury her face in my chest. I glared back at him, panting, and tucked my chin protectively over her black hair. If Silas wasn’t around to kill him, I fucking would.

Liev stepped on Kylo’s chest, sighing. “We’ve waited so long for you to find your own little pet, Ren. And when the others arrive in a few weeks, we’re going to rip her to shreds while you watch.” He leaned weight on Kylo and the latter gasped. “Think of it as your comeuppance for being such an insatiable little prick.”

 “I want Maeva!” Viktor snapped, coming to life.

Liev shot his son as icy glare. “She’s Pierre’s, you nitwit. If you touch her, I’ll cut your hands off.”

Shrill screaming echoed from upstairs. Liev jerked his head in that direction and Viktor left after giving me another cold look. I returned it tenfold and hugged Maeva tighter as Liev turned to face us.

 “Pierre is a bit busy.” He smiled and cocked his head. “Would you mind babysitting for a bit, Rey?”

I stared up at him, trembling just as much as Maeva, and hid my face in her hair. Oh my god… Someone help me…


	45. Character/Plot Summary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Character Summaries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is a brief summary of all the characters feeding into this story and a good place to ask questions

Okay so, _The Passion Paradox_ was the first novel I ever wrote and it is just not well-written. But you can follow my progression from being a totally awful writer to an okay writer! [Here](https://www.fictionpress.com/~malevolentreverie) is my FictionPress if you'd like to read the originals. PLEASE NOTE that storylines have been changed, characters omitted, ages changed, etc. Take it with a grain of salt. The first three in particular need to be massively overhauled so while you can read them to get a feel for the characters, don't look too deep into it. 

 **[The Passion Paradox](https://www.fictionpress.com/s/2850204/1/The-Passion-Paradox) – 2009: ** Nikolai Gunter & Adel Pathsia – Nikolai is Adel’s patient; he is a psychopathic serial killer who escapes and stalks her and ultimately impregnates her

 **[The Dark Triad](https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3114196/1/The-Dark-Triad) – 2011: ** Nikolai & Adel + Liev & Viktoriya Gunter + Felix LaRue + Terra – follows the growth of Adel & Nikolai’s children, Liev & Viktoriya, and Liev’s descent into madness

 **[The Mask of Sanity](https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3062873/1/The-Mask-of-Sanity) – 2012: ** Nikolai & Adel + Liev Gunter & Penelope + Viktoriya Gunter + Felix LaRue – follows Liev’s continued insanity and obsession with his distant cousin, Penelope, and Viktoriya’s relationship w/Felix

This concludes the original trilogy. Nikolai is 100% Russian, Liev is 50%.

 **[Eunoia](https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3169143/1/Eunoia) – 2013: ** Pierre Holt & Natalie Taylor – follows an astronomy professor in the Pacific Northwest who becomes obsessed with a student and tries to live out his Oedipal complex thru her

 **[Paranoia](https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3181203/1/Paranoia) – 2014: ** Pierre Holt & Natalie Taylor + Maeva Holt + Lucas – follows Natalie & Pierre briefly, then follows Maeva’s relationship with psychologist Lucas as he tries to help her younger siblings

Concludes storyline. Pierre is 50% French, Maeva is 25%.

 **[Primum Nil Nocere](https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3191513/1/Primum-Nil-Nocere) – 2014: ** follows Dr. Genevieve Nichols as she uncovers a strange breakout of rabies and gradually falls into the clutches of Dr. Seth Morrow

 **[The Quietest Evening](https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3227249/1/The-Quietest-Evening) – 2015: ** follows Charlotte Wilson and her struggles with the monstrous Specter, as well as her fight to survive afterwards with family friend Chris Reinhart. Chris is Southern.

 **[Something Wicked](https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3299708/1/Something-Wicked) – 2017: ** follows Hannah Everson after a mental breakdown that leaves her in the care of the suspicious psychiatrist Erik Kasparian. Hannah = half-African American w/British parents; Erik = half-Armenian

 **[Terrible Things](https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3318827/1/Terrible-Things) – 2017: ** follows Wren Michaels, journalist, who becomes tangled with playboy Silas Cooper. Even match. Wren = Native American

Felix Weiss will be featured later on in his own story. He is Hispanic.

Please feel free to ask questions!

 


	46. Inside Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no clue why i didn't post this

The babies were passed off on me. Maeva was quiet, just clingy, and she hung to my side like a burr while I tried to calm Eric down. Thankfully I was used to babies and I cooed until he stopped crying, sitting in an armchair and watching Liev chat with his younger son. I held Eric close when Viktor’s eerie green eyes turned on me and bared my teeth when he looked at Maeva.

Liev patted Viktor’s shoulder. “I have to leave at the end of the week to fetch Genevieve. Pierre will leave for Charlotte when I return.”

 “Don’t you trust me on my own?” Viktor asked in his hollow, creepy voice.

 “With Holt’s children? No.” Liev cocked his head and smiled at me. “Besides, you’ll need extra support. We’re going to have a house full of women soon.” He nudged Kylo’s arm with his foot.

Kylo was still passed out on the floor. Viktor rolled him on his stomach to handcuff his arms behind his back and carried him down into the basement. I stared after them and glanced at Liev. Kylo and I would bear the full brunt of whatever they were planning, and I had a feeling both of us weren’t going to make it out alive.

Penelope was unconscious, Kylo was going to be chained up in the basement, and Pierre was upstairs doing god knew what with Natalie. I was the only one in a position to do anything and I had two kids clinging to me while a confirmed serial rapist pedophile was lurking around the house. They were Pierre’s kids, yeah, but Viktor didn’t strike me as the type to really care.

 “Why the hell are you doing this?” I demanded.

Liev casually approached the couch to brush Penelope’s hair from her face and brushed her cheek with a long finger. She frowned in her sleep and his smile softened. It should’ve been a sweet gesture, but my stomach turned at the sight. Creepy.

He kept staring at her while he talked to me. “Have you ever taken a basic psychology course, Rey?”

 “…Yes.”

 “Then you probably read about my father—Nikolai. He’s a bit of a poster child for the psychopathic personality, though they’ve sanitized it to “antisocial personality disorder.” Liev leaned on the back of the couch to get closer to Penelope, still gazing at her. “I was their firstborn and I spent my entire childhood watching him torment my mother, listening to her screaming while Viktoriya and I did our homework in the kitchen. He was a beast—but so am I.”

Liev’s eyes flickered to me, cold and distant. “My upbringing made me a point of interest when I was imprisoned. Pierre’s unsavory childhood also brought him unwanted attention. I was poked and prodded and electrocuted, treated like an animal from a young age by people like Kylo Ren. When we met, I thought he perhaps understood us better than most. I allowed him to speak with my wife and my children, hoping to keep them from becoming psychological pincushions. I spoke with him, too.

“He began publishing his papers, keeping his notes… And I realized I was reduced again to a beast pacing in a cage, waiting for the next pill or shock and playing out a case study for his dissertation. The others—Seth, Chris, even Silas—did not grow up watching and experiencing what Pierre and I experienced. I watched my father rape my mother, while Kylo Ren’s father brought him to baseball practice. Pierre’s mother raped him in a closet, while Kylo _Ren’s_ mother helped him with his homework.

“Our suffering was again reduced to an interesting paper in a pseudoscience by a man who I made the rare mistake of trusting. He used me, my children… my wife. Yet he still doesn’t understand.” Liev straightened up, smiling at me. “I will give Kylo Ren a _thorough_ education on the meaning of suffering.”

 “Liev.”

I’d been so caught up in Liev’s words that I didn’t notice Pierre had come down the stairs. They spoke in low tones and Pierre snapped and pointed at the stairs. Maeva detached from me and darted up them without a second glance. I kept staring at them, confused and terrified. What were they? 

The basement door opened and Viktor emerged with a small smile on his mouth. He joined the conversation and I held Eric closer when he squirmed in my arms and yawned. Pierre glanced at us, did a double-take, and broke into an eerie, wide smile. He left the other two and walked up to me with his hands in his pockets, laughing when I shrank back under his shadow.

 “What’s wrong, Rey?” He leaned over me, grasping both armrests, eerie blue eyes riveted on mine. “Scared?”

The baby burst into tears and Pierre’s gaze flickered down. He cooed in French but didn’t move to take him from me or do anything else. Petrified, I just sat there while Eric cried and wriggled in my arms until Pierre suddenly grabbed my hair and yanked my head back. He stepped closer, looming over me, and pulled my hair until I hissed in pain.

 “The baby’s crying,” he said. “Aren’t you going to do something about it?”

 “He’s _your_ son!” I retorted.

Pierre dragged me out of the chair by my hair and pulled me along to the stairs. We went into one of the bedrooms, where Natalie was sitting on the bed with her ankle chained to one of the posts, holding her head in her hands. She glanced up and cried when she saw Eric and reached for him and I gratefully passed him off to her. Pierre resumed dragging me out of the room and I fell to my knees in the hallway, shrieking and clawing at his hand. Maeva watched from behind the door.

 “Ooo, making this fun for me?” He pinned me by my wrists, kneeling between my thighs, and smiled. “Struggle as much as you wish—there’s no one to save you now.”

Liev walked past us with Penelope draped in his arms. “Pierre, call Weiss. We’ll need his help if Silas has decided to grow a conscience.”

 “In a bit.” Pierre wrapped his long fingers around my throat and squeezed, watching raptly as I choked and clawed at his wrist. “I’m busy.”

Viktor stepped up beside him to watch with his head tilted, green eyes also drinking in my expression. Pierre strangled me until I heard my pulse roar in my ears and abruptly let go so I fell on my back, coughing and gasping for air. He got to his feet and took out a cell phone as Liev approached from Kylo’s master bedroom. I struggled to get up as he leaned over and injected me with something.

 “Weiss,” Pierre said in a clipped tone, “this is Holt. We’re moving things up. We’ll need your help with Morrow and Reinhart—Cooper isn’t cooperating.” He was quiet, then: “I suppose you could disable the security in the prison, but it’s much easier to strike when they’re en route.”

 “We’d need Silas, too, if we’re striking the prison itself,” Liev said offhandedly. “Viktor, put her in the last bedroom. I have to pay a visit to Ren.” His knuckles cracked.

Whatever drug he gave me was working fast, so I assumed it was Valium. Groggy, I could only swipe weakly at Viktor when he hoisted me off the floor and carried me a few feet down the hall into the last empty bedroom. I remembered walking by all of them when Kylo first brought me to his house and I stupidly thought he had my best interests at heart.

Viktor dropped me on the bed. I whimpered, blindly searching the room as it began to spin. Fuck. He pulled up a chair next to me and leaned forward with his face in his hands, staring. I stared back at him and fought my heavy eyelids, struggling to stay awake.

 “It’s okay,” he said, “I’ll wait. I like it better when you’re unconscious.”

Oh, god, _no_. I gagged and squirmed away from him as far as my leaden limbs would go. When I looked back he was still staring. Waiting, like a vulture. His green eyes silently searched mine.

Neither of us spoke for a long time and I kept resisting the urge to fall asleep in the soft pillows. I didn’t want to think about what he’d do to me if I fell asleep. The sheets shifted underneath me as I whimpered and blinked hard and slow and he kept on quietly watching me. I didn’t know how much time passed but it felt like an eternity. I was too tired to even cry.

A slimy smile touched Viktor’s lips when I couldn’t lift my head anymore. I fisted the pillows and caught a glimpse of him slowly rising from the chair, then felt his fingers under the back of my shirt. He gently rolled me on my back and I felt a manacle slap around my ankle.

 “Sleepy girl,” he cooed. “So tired. Rest. This won’t hurt a bit.”

I couldn’t even lift my arms. The last thing I saw were his bright green eyes staring into mine.

 “…Don’t get the appeal.”

A belt clinked as I came to, blinking, in utter darkness. Viktor was fixing his pants while Pierre and Liev were standing next to each other, looking at me. I rolled my head away to look at the wall and soon became aware of something wet between my legs, dripping out of me and onto the bedspread. My stomach turned and I shook my head side-to-side and started crying. No… no…

Pierre shrugged. “Neither do I. Ren is out cold again so I suppose you can do whatever you want with her.” He sauntered closer and stood over me, beaming. “Hello, Rey. How are you?”

I was completely naked, lying on my back, nauseous, and terrified. I kept sobbing and rolled on my side and he twisted my arms behind my back to cuff my wrists. I couldn’t remember any of it, but I could feel the pain and feel his essence leaking out of me like I was a fucking blow-up doll. It was worse than anything Kylo had ever done to me. I wanted to peel my skin off.

 “Not good?” Pierre turned me on my back again and stood over me, smiling. “Kylo isn’t doing well, either. You’ll see each other again—if he wakes up.”

 “What did you DO TO ME?!” I shrieked, flailing under the influence of the Valium. I looked past Pierre to Viktor’s vacant expression and screamed again. “WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!”

Liev blinked like my reaction was a huge surprise. “Goodness, it seems Rey is a bit upset. More Valium, perhaps?” He nodded to his son.

Viktor left the room and I went back to screaming and sobbing. I rolled on the bed, desperate to get _him_ out of me, and Pierre’s blue eyes idly traced down my body.

 “She looks loose,” he said like he was discussing the weather.

 “Tight. Nervous tension.” Liev approached to stand beside Pierre and they both stared at me impassively, like I was a painting in a museum. “We’ll have to ask Viktor how she was. I can’t indulge, unfortunately—Penelope won’t be pleased. What about you?”

 “Perhaps. Natalie’s pregnancy interferes with my typical ‘indulgences,’ and I am very much looking forward to seeing the expression on Ren’s face.”

Screaming from down the hall startled all of us. Liev moved first, clearly recognizing it. I gritted my teeth and glared into Pierre’s icy blue eyes and wished I could punch him. I took sharp breaths through my nose and squeezed my eyes shut, then reopened them to glower up at him.

 “I think I’ll burn you first,” he murmured after a beat of quiet. “Cigarettes leave lovely impressions in the skin.” He reached back and took out a pocket knife with a serrated blade. “Personally, I prefer cutting.”

 “Papa?”

It was the first time I heard Maeva speak. She had a sweet little voice and didn’t seem terribly upset to find her father leaning over a naked woman. He clenched his jaw and pushed away from me to go to her, and she reached up to curl her fingers around his.

I watched them leave and stared at the ceiling for a few minutes, swallowing back screams, then started yanking on the cuff around my ankle. I rolled around the bed and gritted my teeth before an involuntary scream ripped out of my throat and wouldn’t stop.


	47. Au claire de la Lune

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the most cursed thing i have ever written and i want to apologize to my mother and my lord and savior jesus christ amen

The next few days passed in a drug-fueled torpor.

I didn’t know exactly why they were keeping me so heavily sedated, because it wasn’t like I could run anywhere, but two or three times a day one of them would come in the bedroom and inject me. I’d lie there completely naked, now with my wrists handcuffed to the headboard and one ankle cuffed to the poster at the foot of the bed, and drift in and out of consciousness.

I was too weak to cry and there was no point. It had been days since I last saw Kylo and I didn’t even know if he was still alive. Sickeningly enough, I missed him. He had been my constant comfort for the past months and I always thought there couldn’t possibly be anything more dangerous than him.

 “Fuck… fuck…”

My heavy eyes rolled open to the breathy pants just next to my ear. I was lying on my stomach, slumped over into the pillows with fingers hooked around my hips and someone inside my body. Sometimes I’d wake up in the middle of Viktor assaulting me, but I usually passed right back out not soon after. He was usually dead silent during his attacks and expected the same from me.

This time he turned me on my back, green eyes bright with sadistic joy, and crept closer to try jerking off in my mouth. I didn’t open it until he pushed on my lips and rubbed the head on my closed teeth. I stared at him blankly for a second and opened my mouth.

Viktor nodded, panting. “Good girl.” He edged closer, hooking a thumb over the corner of my lips. “Swallow it.”

I blinked slowly back at him and abruptly bit down on his cock.

His eyes widened and he howled in pain, easily freeing himself from my jaw but bleeding all the way. I started laughing with blood spilling out of my mouth as he screamed and dropped to the floor with his mangled penis. I bit down as hard as I fucking could. I hoped it would fall off.

Pierre peeked in the room—Liev had already left for the first woman—and he whistled when he saw Viktor crying on the floor. His blue eyes swept to me and he smiled.

 “It seems Viktor grew a bit overzealous.” Pierre nudged him with his foot. “Get up. Go bandage it and hope it doesn’t shrivel up. Fool.”

I glared after Viktor as he crawled out of the room on his hands and knees, then turned my eyes towards Pierre. He sauntered up to me, casual, and placed his hands on either side of my head. I stared evenly back at him, fighting to stay awake, only mildly terrified of more torture.

His smile widened and he spoke in a low whisper. “I detest that little prick.”

Then he kissed me without warning, sweeping his tongue in my mouth and lapping out Viktor’s blood. I gagged into it and struggled into the pillows but Pierre didn’t take very long. He drew back and licked his lips, now tinged red, then licked my upper lip followed by the lower lip in a gentle, smooth line.

Pierre straightened, licking his mouth like a cat that had just eaten. “I think you deserve a reward, Rey. How about a shower?”

I nodded spastically and he freed my wrists from the headboard. They were dark, angry red and had crisscrossing scars. I rubbed them while Pierre released my ankle and he offered me his hand to help me out of bed, which I hesitantly accepted. My knees nearly gave out but I caught myself on the nightstand and teetered after him down the hall to the bathroom. They let me get up twice a day, but so far I was just drinking water and eating crackers, so not much was happening.

 “Ah, the cycle of reward and punishment,” Pierre sighed, closing the door behind us. “Natalie never quite got the picture, but Kylo told us that you understand it well enough.”

 “Yeah,” I said tonelessly.

He started the shower and gestured for me to get in when the temperature was appropriate. I sidled under the stream and shivered with pleasure, letting the water run across my face before I turned to wash my hair. It had been so long since I washed myself. I scrubbed out the remnants of Viktor’s sweat and cum until I drew blood on my thighs.

Pierre was leaning on the door when I finally stepped out of the shower. He offered me a towel hooked on his fingertips and I squeezed out the water from my hair and dried myself off. His eyes zeroed in on my bloody marks etched into my inner thighs and he raised an eyebrow.

 “You’re one of _those?_ ” he asked, gesturing at the scratches.

 “I’m trying to get him off me.”

 “Oh.” Pierre smirked and handed me a white robe. “Well I’m sure he’ll be out of commission for a while—perhaps permanently.”

My spine prickled, but I accepted the robe, happy to have something to cover myself. He led me past the bedroom and we could hear Viktor crying inside. Pierre took a deep breath and sighed happily.

I tapped my fingers nervously. “I thought you were friends with them.”

 “No,” Pierre said simply, “I respect Liev.” He descended the stairs, watching his own steps. “I see the way Viktor looks at Maeva, but out of courtesy, I ignore it. If he _touches_ Maeva, however… He will lose more than his cock.”

We walked to the kitchen, where Penelope was cooking something in a big pot. She turned and waved when she saw me but didn’t show much emotion. Pierre pulled out a seat for me at the island and I scooted into it, waiting for whatever would come next.

He ambled over to check on Penelope’s array on the stove. “Ooo, beef barley soup!” His blue eyes flickered to mine and he smiled. “Natalie’s favorite. Though I’m not sure if she can keep it down anymore. Augustin likes to roll about.”

 “I’m sure she’ll try.” Penelope spooned out a bowl and handed it to him. “Is Rey eating, too?”

Pierre appraised me, cocking his head. “Yes. She deserves it.” He sipped some of the soup off his spoon and leaned on the counter. “Your son shoved his cock in her mouth and she nearly bit it off. I’m not a particularly humorous man, but it did tickle me.”

 “Good,” Penelope said coldly. “I hope it falls off.”

Then he laughed and left the kitchen to go back upstairs to his wife, leaving Penelope and I alone.

Neither of us spoke. She ladled two more bowls of soup and stood there for a moment, gazing out the window at the rows of trees beyond the house. Her knuckles turned white.

 “I hate him,” she said quietly.

I blinked. “…Pierre?”

 “Viktor.” She was quiet for a while and bowed her head. “I called in a friend to help us, Rey. He should be here at the end of the week, so just hold on.”

My pulse quickened. Penelope turned and offered me a bowl and I practically inhaled the soup as I ate it. She stood across from me and stirred hers, blue eyes empty and sad.

I paused. “It’s… It’s not your fault, you know. You can’t control him.”

 “No, but I can call the police. I could kill him myself.” She took a trembling bite of the beef barley and her lower lip quivered. “Liev and the others never hurt children. Viktor is a _beast._ I knew he was a beast when he was a little boy and I found dead squirrels in his dresser drawers, but I raised him, anyway. I should’ve killed him in his sleep.”

 “Penelope—”

She wiped her eyes, rolling them like she could sweep the tears back. “It doesn’t matter. Felix and Silas will be here soon and get you out of here before Seth and Chris come back.” Then her eyes watered again and she clenched her fists on the counter. “I asked Silas to do what I can’t.”

Pierre swept back into the kitchen for his own dinner with Maeva trotting along behind him. She smiled faintly when she saw me and waved, and I waved back, struggling to return the smile. Then she bounced on her feet until he handed her a bowl and he said something stern in French. She nodded and carefully carried the bowl to the island with both hands, offering it to me so I could hold it while she climbed up.

Her hair was deep black like her father’s and she had the same electric blue eyes. She beamed, strangely friendly, and started scooping soup in her mouth. Penelope leaned across the counter to wipe her mouth once or twice before Pierre sat beside her and took over. Maeva climbed into his lap to eat her dinner and I stared at them, still perplexed. How had my life come down to this?

When they were done, Pierre rose and motioned for me to follow him. Penelope mouthed ‘hang on’ as he led me right to the basement door.

I stiffened. “…I’m going down there?”

 “Of course.” He opened the door and frowned. “You miss Kylo, don’t you? He misses you.”

There was nowhere else to run. I nodded and Pierre gestured for me to go first before shutting the door behind us and walking down the steps behind me into the dark, musty basement. Then he flicked a switch and everything came into perfect focus.

Kylo was bound to a green and white beach chair by the looks of it, arms tied down to the armrests and ankles attached by the base. He had briefs and his Cambridge shirt on but they were torn in some spots. His arms and legs were riddled with gashes and burns and his black hair hung in his face. He raised his head slightly when he heard us and I noticed a blindfold over his eyes and a piece of fabric tied through his mouth to gag him. He looked… small.

 “Kylo!” I called before I could stop myself. “It’s me!”

He perked up and the chair rattled. Pierre smiled and dragged me to a mattress by the wall, where he attached me to the wall with big, imposing manacles around my wrists. I had a few feet to move about and I lunged for his legs, drawing a laugh and his long fingers through my hair.

 “Let’s not end on a bad note, Rey,” Pierre cooed. He wandered over to Kylo, circling the chair like a vulture. “See? She’s still alive. You didn’t think we’d let you miss out on the main event, did you? She’s been upstairs in a Valium haze and Viktor sometimes wanders in and does what he pleases.”

Kylo’s knuckles turned white on the armrests, but he didn’t react otherwise. Pierre seemed disappointed and took off the gag and blindfold.

We stared at each other, breathless, and Kylo’s gaze raked down my body. He clenched his jaw as his dark eyes shimmered like he was about to cry, then he stiffened when Pierre stepped in front of him. Pierre tipped Kylo’s chin on his index finger and raised an eyebrow.

 “Liev left to fetch Genevieve first. They’ll be back in two days—and I’ll leave for Charlotte.” He shifted his grasp to encircle Kylo’s jaw, squeezing. “Then we will free Seth and Chris and you get to watch the four of us torture her to death. How exciting. Perhaps Silas and Felix will join in.”

Kylo swallowed and his voice came out raspy. “Pierre… please… Her parents are already looking for her.”

Pierre held up Kylo’s phone. “No, they aren’t. Any _more_ lies?”

Neither of them spoke. Kylo glanced at me and drooped in the chair, bowing his head, and my chest tightened when he started quietly crying. Pierre grinned and pocketed the phone, then grasped Kylo’s cheeks and licked away the tears streaming down his face in a long line up past his temple. I stared at them in shock, expecting Kylo to have some witticism or comeback, but he kept crying. Holy shit.

 “I love her,” he choked. “Please, Pierre—I never meant to use you.”

 “Mhm.” Pierre tilted his head side to side, appraising Kylo, and he pushed him upright by his forehead. “Liev wants to use acid to blind you when we’re through with her. I’d prefer to scrape out your eyeballs with a melon baller.”

 “Please… Please let her go…”

Pierre rolled his eyes and I watched, eyes widening, as he unzipped his pants and seized Kylo’s jaw. I blinked in shock as Pierre casually reached down the front of his pants and turned away and closed my eyes when I heard Kylo struggling in the chair. My wrists weren’t bound together so I could cover my ears and curl up into a ball, but I could still hear too much.

Kylo coughed and Pierre took a sharp breath. I stuck my fingers in my ears until it stung, squeezing my eyes as tightly closed as I could. He’d done it to me, so why did I care if someone did it to him?

The ordeal went on for a long time before I felt the mattress shift. I glanced up to find Pierre there and he casually forced his first two fingers in my mouth that were coated with a familiar taste. I gagged and nearly vomited when he drew back.

 “In my defense, I told him to swallow all of it,” Pierre said. “But perhaps he thought he’d share. How droll.”

I retched as he left Kylo and I behind in the basement and shut off the lights on his way out.


	48. Torn Asunder

 “I love you, Rey.”

We lapsed into silence for a while; me from rage and Kylo from sobbing too hard. The basement was so dark that I couldn’t see his face, even if I fucking wanted to, and I sagged in my chains on the mattress. I spat out the taste of Pierre’s cum and sat cross-legged. I hated all of them. I’d never hated so passionately—I learned to love when I was in vet school—but now I was full of pain and rage.

I coughed. “Go fuck yourself.”

 “I’m so sorry…”

 “You weren’t sorry when you were doing it to me!” I snapped. “You tortured me! At least Viktor had the decency to do it while I was asleep.”

Kylo’s voice broke again. “I know… I know. I like it—the power and control.” The chair scraped on the floor. “But I’ll never force you to do anything against your will again. I love you too much to put you through it when I know how it feels.”

What the fuck ever. I didn’t care if he was forced to give Pierre a few blowjobs. Kylo raped me and threatened me and drugged me against my will. He deserved whatever he got.

We lapsed into silence. The basement was completely silent and Kylo was done trying to make me feel bad for him. I sniffled and wiped my eyes on the back of my hand and curled into a ball. Penelope was orchestrating things for our escape. I’d go straight home to mom and dad and never follow a single thing Kylo ordered me to do ever again. They could throw me in the loony bin. Fine.

I wanted to go home and see Leah and Arnie again. How was he? I’d have to apologize for everything that happened and try to repair our friendship. Hopefully he’d understand.

 “I’m going to tell your parents everything, Rey.”

I barked a laugh. “Yeah?”

 “I’ll be sent to prison, but I’m going to leave all of my money and possessions for you.” Kylo’s voice was empty and distant, like he was resigned to his fate. “It doesn’t fix anything; I know. It should help, though. You can move away when you finish college and live comfortably. Return to therapy, marry, have children… You’ll be happy again.”

 “You ruined my life and you can never fix it. I’ll never let you forget it.”

The quiet returned. I didn’t want any of his crap. I’d build my own life up from the ashes without relying on the beast sitting a few feet away from me.

Feet moved upstairs and I peered in that direction. I settled down, jangling my chains, and a sick curiosity came over me. I had to know. It would make me feel better in my own suffering.

 “What did they do to you?” I asked.

 “Hit me, cut me, burned me.” Kylo took a trembling breath. “Pierre uses sex as a weapon. I remember the day I first met Natalie—”

 “Tell me _exactly_ what he did to you,” I interrupted.

It was sadistic of me to force him to relive it, but I didn’t care. My heart thundered with anticipation. I wanted to hear the pain and fear in Kylo’s voice; to know that he hurt just as much as me. He cleared his throat and breathed through his teeth and I knew he was trying not to cry. Good. I wanted the lights to be on so I could see the emotions on his face while he dredged up the painful memories.

Kylo made an agonized sound. “…She was recovering from a stab wound and—”

 “SAY IT!” I screamed, suddenly coming to life. I scrambled up on the mattress. “Tell me what he did to you! I want to hear you cry while you think about it!”

He did just that, bursting into sobs. “I can’t, Rey—I’m so sorry! I’m sorry that I hurt you!”

The door banged open and I heard muffled screaming as multiple sets of feet started down the stairs. The lights came on and I could finally see Kylo, head bent forward while he cried and felt sorry for himself. I gritted my teeth and ripped my gaze away to see Liev approaching with a woman who had her arms bound behind her back. Pierre lurked behind, smiling at Kylo.

The woman had auburn hair draped around her shoulders and green eyes and she was about my height. She was pretty, too—athletic and all sharp, intense features. Liev shoved her down on the mattress beside me and she spun around lashing out with her legs, making him smile as he chained her to the wall, too. He glanced at me and raised an eyebrow.

 “I hear you maimed my son.” Unsurprisingly, Liev smiled. “Good job.” He stroked the woman’s hair while she panted and glared at him. “This is Genevieve—she’s a psychiatrist, too, so you’re all in good company. She will be reunited with Seth very soon.”

Genevieve snapped at Liev’s fingers as soon as he took the gag off her mouth. He squeezed her cheeks in his fingertips and she glared defiantly up at him.

 “Where’s my dog?” she hissed.

 “Playing with Maeva.” Pierre tipped Kylo’s chin on his fingertips and smiled. “Do you want more cum before I leave, Ren? I thought you’d be full by now. Is your woman a cumslut, too?”

Liev looked over his shoulder at Pierre with thinly veiled distaste. “That’s enough, Pierre. Get your family ready for the trip. We need Charlotte before Felix arrives at the end of the week.”

Kylo’s dark eyes brightened a bit at the sound of Felix’s name. He glanced at me and I nodded once. Help was on the way, yeah. His shoulders relaxed like he was sighing with relief and stiffened again when Pierre turned his blue eyes back on him. Pierre squeezed Kylo’s jaw and stepped back, irritated.

 “Very well,” Pierre said tersely. “We’ll be back in a few days.” He slapped Kylo across the face and pulled his hair. “I can’t wait to make you sob like a woman again.”

Liev grabbed Pierre’s arm and roughly shoved him towards the stairs. They exchanged a heated look before Pierre ascended the stairs and shut the door behind him. Liev followed right after and the three of us were left in the basement with the lights on.

I glanced at Genevieve, who looked like she could kick ass like Penelope. She clenched her jaw and turned her eyes on me. I felt like she was way above and beyond me in willpower.

She glared at Kylo. “Kylo Ren, huh? How’d you end up here? I was booked for your symposium next month, but I guess that isn’t happening. Aren’t you the foremost authority on psychopaths?”

 “Yes,” he muttered. “These are the risks you assume when studying them. I followed your encounter with Seth Morrow quite closely. Congratulations on exacting your revenge—though I heard you never found the copycat who killed your father. What a shame.”

 “I will.” Genevieve’s steely gaze turned away. “And Seth will help me.”

I frowned, tentatively talking to her. “Um… isn’t he a big bad guy like the rest of them? I met him and he didn’t seem very nice.”

 “He’s not, but his hands are useless. He can barely hold a pen.” Genevieve glanced at me with pity. Yeah, she had the same strong vibe that Penelope gave off. “But he’ll want to stalk me, so I’ll drag him along and force him to help.”

Well, it made some sense. I’d seen firsthand that Seth could barely hold a pen. I knew very little about Genevieve or her life but Kylo said that Seth had held her captive for months and tortured her. It went beyond being sexually assaulted—he sterilized her, forced her to help him give people lobotomies… It was a lot worse than anything I had been put through.

Thankfully we were no longer subjected to Pierre. Penelope came downstairs as soon as he was gone and rushed over to unchain me from the wall and give me a fierce hug. She helped Kylo drink a glass of water and readjusted Genevieve’s chains so they didn’t bite into her wrists. I watched in shock as she freed Kylo from his restraints completely and helped ease him out of the chair.

Dumb as I was, I went over to help him stand up, too. He grabbed me, staggering, and buried his face in my neck. I patted his back and fought back tears.

 “Liev is oddly happy about you biting Viktor,” Penelope said. “So Kylo can come upstairs until the others arrive at the end of the week. Genny, we have another spare bedroom for you, too. Seth won’t be happy if he sees you festering down here.”

The two women chatted and Kylo kept squeezing me and started crying. Trembling, I clung to him, too, and nuzzled into his chest. He smelled terrible, but I didn’t care. I hated him—but I didn’t.

Kylo quivered. “I’m so sorry, Rey. I never meant for the pregnancy to happen. You have your entire life ahead of you. Don’t waste it with my fucking baby.”

Penelope escorted all of us upstairs, where Liev was standing beside Viktor. The latter cast me a dirty look and jerked forward, but Liev blocked him and smirked as we walked past. I turned and chomped my teeth to add insult to injury until Kylo needed my support to get up the stairs. He was weak.

We went in the bathroom to shower with Liev talking quietly to Penelope outside. I helped Kylo strip off the torn, dirty clothes, like he did with me a thousand times, and he stood there and made no move to touch me. I figured I could use a second shower and took them off, anyway, stepping under the warm spray of water with Kylo’s hand in mine.

He was riddled in bruises, burns, and scars, and he’d lost weight. Bones poked out of his ribs and his already thin face looked gaunt. I pretended not to care while I helped him wash the grime off. Kylo didn’t move. He stood there silently and stared at the floor. He was deeply traumatized.

Dirt dribbled in the water. Kylo leaned on me while I washed his hair and I peered down to see his penis had cuts on it, too. I shuddered at the sight and began to feel a bit of sympathy. He never did anything like that to me. It was all Pierre. He was the most sadistic of the bunch and ironically, he had the most kids. How was that possible? How was Natalie still alive?

 “I can’t forgive you,” I admitted, scrubbing under his arms.

 “I know.” He wrapped his arms behind my back. “I’m so happy to touch you again. I worried about you and the—fetus.”

I shrugged. “I worried about you up until Viktor started raping me while I was passed out. Then I decided it was all your fault and I fucking hated you.”

Kylo was quiet for a while. He held me while I cleaned off his back and nuzzled closer.

 “Pierre raped me,” he said in an empty voice that I’d never heard before.

My spine prickled. I stayed still, not speaking or moving, and Kylo cried again. He never showed emotion before, but whatever happened had ruined his façade. I hesitantly brushed his black hair and found I didn’t want to know more. I didn’t need to feed off his trauma.

 “I want to claw my skin off, Rey,” Kylo warbled. “I never thought he was capable of it, but… Pierre is a beast. Even Liev refused to watch and left the basement. It hurt so much.”

I nodded and he devolved into sobbing and dragged me to the tub’s floor with him. Penelope peered inside, curious, and drew back when she saw me holding Kylo and comforting him. What the fuck was I doing? Why should I care? He was getting what was coming to him. She glanced over her shoulder, speaking to Liev, probably, then stepped inside and shut the door behind her.

Penelope sat on the toilet and cleared her throat. “Silas and Felix will be here soon, Kylo. I’ve tried talking to Liev over the years; tried to explain your intentions, but you know how he is. I told him what Pierre has been doing since he left, too, and he won’t allow it anymore.” She looked at the floor. “I’m sorry, Kylo… and Rey. I wish there was more that I could do.”

I tried to smile as Kylo cried into my chest. Penelope smiled back, sad, and left the bathroom without another word. I ran my fingers through his black hair and leaned on the edge of the tub so he could cry and relay what exactly happened. No one bothered us.


	49. Don't Give Up The Ship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY

The few days we waited for Pierre to return were peaceful.

Liev was quiet and concerned himself with Penelope for the most part, following her around the house like a dog on a leash. They had the strangest dynamic of the group. He’d hover on her periphery, pretending to be interested in other things while she cooked or cleaned, and I’d catch him staring at her when she turned her back. She noticed, too—she rolled her eyes to me one afternoon while he hung near the kitchen and examined the doorframe.

Kylo stayed upstairs in the same bedroom where Viktor had assaulted me, and we laid there silently for hours on end. He would gaze at the wall, sometimes not stirring if I touched him, dark eyes wide and empty. I’d listened to his story about Pierre’s assault and felt too sick to enjoy the revenge. Other people’s suffering didn’t make me happy—even if it was Kylo.

 “I’m sorry, Rey.”

His long fingers were curved over mine, just resting there. I kept staring at the ceiling.

 “I know.”

Screaming broke our reverie. Kylo blinked and propped up on his elbows and I sat up all the way. It sounded like a little girl…

We heard the scream again and I slipped out of bed before Kylo. He followed close behind me, still nervous being left alone, and we descended the stairs with our fingers loosely linked. Where the hell was the help Penelope called for? If we didn’t get out soon, Seth and Chris would come and…

 “Pierre, _stop!”_

I peeked around the stairs and saw Pierre wrestling a woman to the floor. She had brown hair and eyes and shrieked and thrashed under him. She was watching Penelope kneeling before a blonde-haired girl, maybe a bit older than Maeva, who was sobbing and hiding her face in her hands. This was the last sacrifice—Charlotte. I felt nauseous looking at the child and wondered if she was for Viktor.

It was a mad house with so many people present. Genevieve was restrained in one of the other bedrooms but Kylo and I were free. Liev ripped Pierre off Charlotte and shoved him away, letting Charlotte scramble to her knees and hug her daughter. Pierre and Liev glowered at each other as Maeva rejoined her mother and the two sat on the couch. Eric whimpered in Natalie’s arms. Everyone was talking at once, but the two biggest egos in the room remained silent. I shrank back towards the stairs with Kylo.

Pierre’s steel blue eyes flickered to us. I shoved Kylo up the stairs and he left without another word. Pierre glanced at the group before sauntering over to me with his hands in his pockets. He smiled and I smiled back, barricading the stairs with a hand on the wall and a hand on the railing. The little girl’s crying had turned into sniffles and coughs and Penelope was busy berating Liev.

Pierre stepped to the stair right in front of mine, looming over me. “I see Liev is letting the hostages scurry about. Where has your little boyfriend run off to, Rey?”

 “Away,” I said. “He’s tired. Don’t you have townsfolk to terrorize?”

 “Holt!”

Liev’s sharp, deep voice cut across the room. Pierre clenched his jaw, closing his eerie blue eyes, then backed down the steps and went to the group. I edged into the room to see Penelope helping Charlotte and her daughter into the kitchen. Natalie seemed to be asleep and Maeva was tiptoeing after the newcomers with her thumb in her mouth. Viktor lurked nearby, studying the children. I skittered after Penelope and felt Viktor watch me the entire way.

Maeva took my hand in the kitchen and we sat beside Charlotte and her daughter. Charlotte trembled as she sipped tea and her daughter had her face buried in her mom’s arm. Maeva tapped the girl a few times until she looked up and offered to play with her upstairs. I followed, unwilling to leave them alone with Viktor roaming around, and passed by Liev and Pierre having a heated conversation. Viktor glared at me and I bared my teeth.

 “…The drop is tonight,” Liev said in a low tone. “Felix is here and he has more important shit to do. You can have your revenge tomorrow after Seth and Chris are gone.”

 “What about the girl?” Pierre asked. “She has to die, too. She’s incubating Ren’s seed.”

 “And she will—when the others have gone. A cabin full of psychopaths and their favorite victims is hardly a place I’d like to be for long.”

I followed the girls upstairs and they chose to go into Genevieve’s room. She was sitting on the bed reading with her ankle chained to the post and raised an eyebrow when she saw the girls. Genny was the calmest of all of us because her psychopath stalker had fucked up hands that wouldn’t help him much. She smiled when the girl introduced herself as Scarlett and the three sat together on the bed. I hovered by the doorframe before heading down the hall to see how Kylo was doing.

He was curled up on the bed under the sheets, shivering. I stood at the door for a minute and stared at him, wondering how the psychopath who cut me off from my family and assaulted me had been reduced to this. Not that it wasn’t better—but it was kind of sad to see.

Kylo turned over when he felt the bed move and pulled me into his arms. I clung to him, just as nervous about what would happen, and buried my face in his neck. We didn’t talk much anymore. Neither of us knew what to say, or maybe we’d said everything we could.

Dinner was served a while later. I walked downstairs with Kylo under Liev’s icy stare with Viktor lurking on the periphery. Penelope bright Genevieve dinner in her room and Liev circled the island to watch the rest of us eat in silence. Natalie was at the table with Eric, looking exhausted as usual. Maeva was still upstairs with Scarlett and Genny.

Charlotte still looked rattled. She slowly slipped her soup, trembling under Liev’s eyes.

He smiled. “Charlotte Wilson, hm? Charlie?”

 “…Yes,” she muttered.

 “Chris said you nearly killed him.” Liev leaned on the island to search her eyes. “You don’t look like you’re capable of murder.”

Charlie stared at her food. “He was going to kill me.”

 “Ah. Self-defense.” Liev nodded. “Well, you won’t be killing Reinhardt this time around. He’s very excited to see you again—and Scarlett. I told him we picked up a spare and he’d like to keep her.”

She leapt out of her chair at Liev. He shoved her to the floor before she could attack him and yanked her up by the hair. Kylo grabbed my thigh as we watched Liev dragged the shrieking Charlie into the basement, and the door slammed shut with an ominous bang.

 “She’s gone soft,” Kylo mumbled.

I glanced at him and rolled my eyes. “Or she’s worried about her kid. Nice to hear from you again.”

He shrugged and went back to his dinner.

Penelope came downstairs with Scarlett and Maeva and passed them off on Natalie. She frowned when she noticed Charlotte was gone and scowled as her husband reappeared from the basement. Viktor hovered near Natalie, smiling at Scarlett’s curious glance in his direction. I bristled.

 “Where the _hell_ is she?” Penelope demanded. “Bring her up here right now!”

Liev huffed. “She attacked me. Little witch. Chris will be collecting her tomorrow, anyway. Pierre left to assist Felix with the drop.”

They launched into an argument. It was bizarre standing in the midst of so much dysfunction with nowhere to go. Kylo and I finished eating and went upstairs again, floating around the others like two specters. I just wanted to go home, but I was afraid to walk out the front door. Someone would catch me, whether it was Liev or his evil son.

Kylo closed the door behind us and we stood in silence, staring at each other. Voices drifted up from downstairs but neither of us budged. He blinked, then leaned down and kissed me chastely on the lips.

I edged closer and did the same, arching on my tiptoes to kiss him back. Kylo tentatively took a step toward me, deepening our kiss, and slipped an arm around my waist. I grasped the front of his shirt as he yanked me to him and our bodies fit together the way they always did.

We didn’t take much off. Kylo laid beside me and unzipped his pants while I pushed my jeans just past my knees. He wrapped an arm around me and pressed his fingertips to the small of my back as I strained closer to him.

Arguing carried on downstairs but our bedroom was quiet, save for the rustling sheets. Kylo tried to keep his voice down as he guided his head between my thighs, but he let out a muffled moan into my hair. I hitched my thigh on his hip and rolled my hips slowly to help him along. I wasn’t anywhere near ready but I felt kind of desperate. My body cooperated after a few minutes and Kylo gradually pushed inside me.

I rested my chin on top of his head and he pushed my shirt up to get to my breasts. He yanked my bra out of the way and sucked my nipple a little too hard, but I didn’t care. I threaded my fingers through his hair and buried my face at the crown of his skull.

We managed to keep from making much noise. The bed creaked occasionally, and we didn’t make any fast thrusting motions. Kylo ground into me until I squirmed my way to climax, pulling his hair instead of gasping like I wanted to. He finished right along with me and grunted into my chest as he came. It made more noise than I wanted but no one came running upstairs. We both laid there for a second with our bodies bound together and panted. Fuck.

Kylo swallowed. “…I love you, Rey.”

 “Yeah, easy to say after you just got off.”

 “That’s when men are _least_ likely to say it.”

We lapsed into silence again. I found myself combing my fingers through Kylo’s hair, gazing off into space while he dozed off. What was I going to do when I got out of the house of horrors? Go back to school? Have an abortion? Tell the police all about Kylo and his pals? Yeah, I’d do all of those things as soon as I was home free.

Again, the house was peaceful without Pierre around. The next day passed in relative quiet, though Liev kept me away from Charlotte and Genevieve. Maybe he didn’t want us getting attached. Maybe.

Kylo and I were sitting in the kitchen with Penelope when Pierre returned with the rest of the coven. She was just as nervous as we were, especially because Silas was supposed to show up, too. I hoped Viktor would get his throat slit.

Pierre walked in first, flanked by two men I didn’t recognize. The first was short compared to the others, with tawny skin and wide, expressive dark eyes. He had a beard and curled black hair and wore plain clothes: a zip-up hoodie and jeans. He didn’t scream ‘psychopath.’

The second was a bit taller with neatly parted blonde hair and blue eyes. He had the same softer features that made Liev seem harmless at first glance. But he had a horrible scowl and kept drumming his fingers.

Last came Seth, gray eyes bored and scanning the room for Genevieve. He ran a hand through his wavy brown hair and shut the door, waving off Pierre when he tried to start a conversation. His hands were still a mangled mess and he hid them in his pockets.

Kylo squeezed my hand. “The short one is Felix Weiss. Chris is the blonde. Silas… should be here.”

 “I kind of want to puke,” I muttered.

Penelope patted my arm as she walked past me. “Don’t we all. Hey there, Felix!”

Felix blinked and beamed when he saw her. They hugged like old pals. Kylo stroked the top of my hand with his thumb.

Liev descended from upstairs with Scarlett trailing behind him. She had her thumb jammed in her mouth and shrank away when Chris turned to look at her. He hesitated, then crouched and offered her his hand. I stared at them and wished I could intervene.

 “Can’t save everyone,” Kylo muttered.

 “Yes I can—and I will.”

Chris took Scarlett’s hand and led her towards the basement. Natalie was joined by Pierre on the couch for their bizarre mockery of a relationship and Liev gestured for Seth to follow him upstairs. I tightened my hold on Kylo when Felix noticed us, but he didn’t get the same eerie look the others did. He followed Penelope to the kitchen and shook my hand.

 “Nice to meet you, Rey,” Felix said. He clapped Kylo on the shoulder. “If you need somewhere to relax for a bit after this bullshit is over with, Third Eye has plenty of room.”

 “No,” Kylo said tonelessly, “I promised Rey I would go to prison.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Ah. I see. Well, Cooper is tied up with some extremely irritating woman he picked up in Oregon. She’s pregnant, and you know how he is about _that_. We may be on our own.”

 “He’s supposed to take care of Viktor,” Penelope snapped. “Typical—”

The front door busted open.

A tall woman strode inside like she owned the place, black hair braided and resting over her shoulder. She had on a baggy Bayside t-shirt with skin-tight black shorts down to her thighs and enormous black sunglasses. Her hands were on her hips and she tapped a foot with a  pink bunny slipper like she was mildly inconvenienced. She was… flawless; almost unnaturally beautiful.

The woman blew a bubble as Silas walked up behind her, muttering under his breath and cocking a pistol. I stared at her in dumb shock as she pushed up her shades and smacked her gum.

 “Alright,” she barked in a loud voice, “where are the women who need liberating from their own stupid fucking decisions?”

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Bruised Egos](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15395910) by [ema69](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ema69/pseuds/ema69)




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